I am one of three. I am not submitting that as a defense, but possibly a source of explanation.
The key issue to remember is that I never played with dolls as a child. I really do not like children much. The first baby I ever really held was my own, so you can see my exposure on this subject was limited to say the least. “I really want a baby” urge was quite foreign to me.
Connor was a planned baby that I felt I had given in to as a decision to a large degree.
Kennith and I were at a sort of crossroads – an impasse one might even say. I felt that if I did not get on the baby-train at some point, there was a good chance that I was going to be travelling solo. We were heading towards late twenties, Kennith had been wanting a baby for years, and the truth of the matter was I would rather get a puppy!
I did eventually decide to give in to the idea, but it was not because I thought it was a good idea, I just did not think it was as bad an idea as I had initially thought it was. Strange motivation, but there we have it.
I do wish to clarify that at no point did Kennith threaten or cajole me into anything. He patiently waited and I think hoped I would eventually change my mind. I did keep saying “maybe next year” knowing full well that next year was never coming. I think he also was aware of that, but decided to be ever hopeful and ask each year. Kennith – bless him – is such a patient lad and clearly ever optimistic!
With Georgia, my second, I just felt this primal urge to have a second child. It really was beyond any reason that could be described as sane.
My life was in such turmoil and chaos, but something in me – a bit like a light in an oven – just went on – and no matter how much I jiggling the door, that is what I wanted. So Georgia was conceived purely as a need to fulfill a feral urge for a baby. It really was a total abandonment of thought and reason an absolute surrender to “I want!”
Many of our friends have either got married late or have very edgy careers that have put them in a position where kids in their twenties was not on the cards. Most of our friends are in their mid to late thirties and many have decided that they want kids. Socially we are surrounded by people talking about kids and wanting babies.
I am not sure if this added to my frame of mind, and I should blame peer pressure. But at some point I started thinking that maybe I wanted a third child!
Sidebar: Still not really fond of children, barely coping with two.
I think the issue was again, I was not sure if I wanted a third child, I just was not sure if I did not want a third child. Listen even sober, my logic sometimes makes me want to lie down and take a much needed nap.
Our relationship was in good shape (tick that block), we were living in a large enough home, and generally life was looking pretty rosy. We were enjoying the two we had – though we were still exhausted by their endless energy. We were also thankful they could wake up in the morning and make their way down to the tv room and leave old mom and dad to just try and sleep for another hour!!
Kennith and I spoke about it, and he was very clear that he wanted to start doing big person things that did not require a nappy bag. He just did not want to go through it all again and be weighed down by another child. I agreed – slightly disgruntled – and as I did not feel very strongly for or against, I decided that I was going to let the issue slide, and not make it one where I was the absolute driver and he was the reluctant passenger.
I am not sure at which point things began to shift. Kennith had mentioned it a few times, and though he was not exactly running out to take fertility pills, he seemed more open to the idea.
We had purchased a new house, and when we went through the house deciding which room was going to be used for what. Kennith started to refer to the room closest to the main bedroom as the baby room. I really felt that was the beginning of where he had more buy in to it than I did at that stage. I think at that point, we then decided that yes, this is what we were going to do, we were going to try for a third.
So bizarre to think of how much of a 180 degree shift was from where we had been about a year before, when things were so severely bad, and now we were talking about extending our family.
I am not very philosophical about these sort of things – and do not get all Hallmark card about it, but it really was an incredible journey we had been on to find ourselves at this new point in our lives when it so easily could have gone the other way.
We weren’t exactly running out to renew our vows or anything – as we still were not married, but we could have been those bitter people arguing about child support and visitation rights!