So last night the kids are all having a bath together and I think that this might be a prime moment for that little sex education lesson I have been putting off. I also had a large glass of Chenin Blanc in hand, so that did give me a smidgen of Dutch Courage.
Me: “So Connor what do you call a boy winkie and a girl winkie? What is the proper name?”
Georgia: “A moomfie.” Sort of screaming it a bit.
Connor: “An inside winkie and an outside winkie.”
Me: “Okay, you are sort of right, but the proper name for a boy’s winkie is a penis, can you all say penis.”
Connor and Georgia in unison: “PENIS!”
I pray at this point that the neighbours are far far away, as I would hate to be standing explain this little didi to child services.
Me: “Okay so boys winkies are called a penis, what are girl’s winkies called?”
Georgia: “A M-O-O-M-F-I-E !” with a little more emphasis now, in case I did not quite hear earlier
Me: “Girls winkies are called Va-gi-nas.”
Connor – squealing with laughter: “Pyjamas – why are they called pyjamas – do you climb in to them and wear them to bed?”
Me – really trying not to use my rather off beat brand of sarcastic humour here. So I correct him and then we are all sounding out “VA – GI – NA” with relish in the bathroom.
Me: “So Connor how are babies made?”
Connor: “Theres a small thing and it ….. …… it grows.” Oh the self-control I have to muster not to comment.
Me: “It is sort of right, there is an egg from the girl and the sperm from the boy – and when the sperm meets the egg, the cell starts to divide and get bigger and bigger and that is how a baby is made.”
Of course I am dreading, dreading the “how” part …. which you know is coming. But I have my friend Chenin Blanc for morale support.
Me: “Connor all animals need an egg and a sperm to make a baby – so it does not matter if it is a human baby, or a lion, or a mouse or any of the animals you see on Discover they all need the same ingredients – understand?”
Connor: “Yes ….”
Me: “Connor how do you think the sperm gets to the egg?”
Connor: “The boy lies on the girl and then …. his penis goes in ” See I knew he read that book I put out, that is already a great start.
Me: “That’s right Connor – and the same thing happens with people and animals … pretty much.”
Connor: “No, the lion does not lie down does he?”
Me: “No, he stands behind the girl lion….”
Connor: “ How does his penis reach? Does he stand on top of her or behind her …?”
Me: “Well sort of behind, and on top ….. er …. like really close – haven’t you seen this on Discovery Channel?”
Connor: “Do people also stand up or do they only lie down?”
Me: “You know, either work quite well I believe – it’s all the same Connor, animals and people are pretty much the same. So what ever a cow or a pig or a lion does is all pretty much what people do – more or less.”
Me, thinking I am nearing the finish here and it has all gone swimmingly well …
Connor: “Where does the sperm come from – and do I have any?”
Fortunately Connor is out of the bath, so I point to his abdomen and explain where it’s made and that it comes out of his penis.
Connor: “Like wee?”
Me: “Yes, pretty much.”
Connor: “How do you control it?” – honestly I don’t make this stuff up!!
So there I am explaining to my son about wet dreams and that he should not be embarrassed and so on and so on. He admits that he sometimes does wake up with a stiff winkie - so I explain that it is natural, and he should not be embarrased, and as he gets older it will change, and happen for a different reason.
I try to encourage him that there is nothing to snigger about and find silly – it is what it is. He seems okay, and goes and gets dressed.
He promised to ask me if he had any questions and said he was not going to ask his friends as “they probably don’t know the right answer!” Clever lad!
We had a high-five moment, and he merrily went on his way. I gulped the last of my Chenin Blanc and watched Georgia playing with the animals making them safe from farm invasion. Isabelle continued to eat the sponge oblivious to the hallmark moment we had just been through.
Sooner or later I am going to be sitting with a sanitary towel and a tampon having a very similar conversation with these two. Maybe Kennith can do that.
Me, off to pour more wine.