So last night I went out for dinner with my mate Judith and Sue B – we get together about once a month for a chat and a laugh.
It seemed Judith had other plans, and it turned into a surprise almost-bride party with friends and too much alcohol.
I was dressed in the traditional veil and horns, the garter belt, and the customary learner bride sign – it’s what all the nearly-brides are wearing this season.
I also had a wand and a large ring with a flashing light on it – which has definitely become my favourite piece of bling – I think I might have promised to wear it on the 17th!! I had a large while butterfly (not real) stuck on my head that was reminiscent of a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s birds, but might also be joining my favourite accessory pile soon.
Wine was ordered for me, we had shooters – which Alice struggled to get into her mouth. Shooters can sometimes be difficult for pretty girls. Instead she opted to pour it randomly on her face and neck and hope that some was absorbed through osmosis.
I had some wine, followed by some wine, and then some more wine, you know how this all goes, and I was feeling great.
The girls were funny, the conversation took a few twists and turns and it was all quite jolly.
Alice was trying to convince me that a brazillian wax is just the sort of surprise Kennith would enjoy – really! I thought. He would enjoy knowing I lay spread eagled on a bed while a woman named Vera poured wax on me and then pulled it off really quickly to take the hair outta my bum crack?
How about he have the brazillian first, and then once he stops crying he can let me know how it goes and whether he would recommend it to for me.
Sue S then explained that she has committed to a brazillian but only got half way, then had to tell the wax lady to stop as it was too sore, so went home and just shaved the other side – I thought that was brilliant.
Alice insists I should have my bush waxed in the shape of a pink heart!
I really do not know why Alice is so fixated on my hairy nether regions. I wonder if when Kennith is out with his friends they talk about grooming their twig and berries?
It really was a fun evening …. until well, it wasn’t.
I can’t quite recall the chain of events, but it ends with me, in the bathroom, literally hugging the toilet and well camping out there for the rest of the night. I had friends taking turns rubbing my back and holding my hair – what good mates I have.
But I just could not stop retching – I do not recall drinking that much – bear in mind my body is a fine tuned wine-drinking machine. I can look at least two bottles of wine in the eye without seeing double, so I have no idea what happened.
So as not to miss out on the action everyone then moved to the bathroom and stood around making conversation while I retched and cried in between – such good times. What I was crying about I do not recall, it might be because I was on my hands and knees retching in a public place .. that could have been it. There is little to beat the likes of a stylish soon-to-be-bride!
Someone was taking group photos, which I thought would make great mementos of the evening. Eventually they managed to frog march me to the car and drive me home.
I will confess to having to puke some more on the drive home - so if you pass something on the N1 that looks vaguely unsanitary and has now splashed up on the side of your car, let me take this as an opportunity to sincerely apologise .
Eventually I got home and Kennith was waiting – bless his cotton socks. He helped me get my jammies on, poured me a large cold glass of Oros, and made me a hot water bottle.
He is such a good egg, and I have such good mates for taking care of me as they did!
Bits and pieces of the rather insane conversations keep coming back to me, I seem to recall arrangements being made about going to a sokkie-jol after the wedding? I might even have suggested it, oh heavens!