I really feel that I am failing on so many levels at the moment.
My biggest issue right now – tomorrow I will have a new one – is that I am failing with Isabelle.
I am just not available for her at the moment. I either leave for work in the morning, and she has not woken up, or I spend 20 minutes with her between me getting ready and her waking up, and then I abandon her as I rush out the door.
Most days I home at about 18h30 or later and she goes to bed at 19h00.
I have noticed she has got very clingy and very whiny around me – and insists she is near me, or I hold her hand.
She takes my hand and leads me to where she wants me to sit or stand. She pulls at my clothes if I am sitting down and she wants me to come with her. Then if I try to leave the area, she throws a mother of a thrombie! She gets visibly distressed and the tears run down her chubby little cheeks.
I feel guilty. I feel disappointed and then I feel angry.
And then I take my anger and frustration out on Kennith, because who else is available?
When I am with Isabelle I am aware of the short time, and I start dreading the end. When I leave for work, she cries, and hangs on to my hand, and I have to hand her to Pepe while she makes those dramatic “mommy grabby arm” movements …. more heart wrenching it does not get.
When the night ends and I put her in bed, she goes ballistic.
So even when I am with her for the precious little time there is, I am already dreading “the end” and knowing that the inevitable parting must come. Then instead of delaying it, I decide to shift it up a gear and do it a bit earlier, as I am dreading it so much I want it over with – of course this cuts down the time I spend with her, but increases my guilt.
No, but I seldom do.
I enjoy work, I like my job, but it is not the kind that lends itself to flexibility of hours.
The good side is that I start at 9am, so I can drop the kids off at school in the morning, with less of the “tuck and roll out of a moving car” that I used to do in the past.
If Connor reminds me that he needs something for school – as he did at 7am this morning – it is not a panic. I can stop on the way to school and get it for him – the morning madness is still madness, but it is not overlayed with me stressing about being late for work.
But I can’t spend more time with Isabelle as I still need to leave the house in time to get the kids to school.
I just feel sh&t and well not-good-enough right now.
My thinking is that I will put my head down and get through this year. I will suck it back and just get through it, and make a decision in December on how to tackle 2012.
Next year Georgia starts grade 1, Connor will be in grade 4 and the pressure of school and homework will escalate. I need to find a way to be more available and be able to offer my kids the support they need.
I know I often make remarks about how I outsource their needs to staff, but you do get that I am being flippant and that I do care deeply that they are provided for on all levels?
I worry that I am doing Georgia a disservice. She needs more attention right now to get her speech up to scratch and general assistance so that she gets through Grade R confidently and then gets through Grade 1.
I do not want to be a stay-at-home mom, I really do want to go work, I just need flexibility – but I am quite attached to my pay-check, so would like flexibility and a paycheck! < which is the lament of most if not all working mothers I would guess>
I do not want to attend every school hotdog-stand day or bake-a-cake-sale, but I do want to pick one or two to do a year, and right now that is just not working. So this year is not quite going as I had originally pictured it, but maybe it is, and I just chose not to be realistic about the picture.
This year – and I know it is only April – I have felt like I have missed so much with the kids. I always appear to be in catch up mode, and that is not my most comfortable default position.
I am looking forward to this long weekend and just to spend time with the kids.
I do not have to do hard-core arts and crafts with them or anything, but I just want to sit near them, be around them and smell them and hear them laugh and make fun of each other – I have been missing that!