I really am dreading Valentine’s Day this year …

140211_Fuck Valentines Day

Valentine’s Day is usually not a big day in my calendar.

I think Kennith and I were whoop-di-doo into it for the first few years.  But then it just got naff, and turned into Woolworths dinners brought home.  And then after time, even that sort of faded away.  It’s also jammed in right after Xmas, and right after Kennith’s birthday.

I am not a bit Valentine’s Day person.  I am not going to burden you with the usual moaning stance of “it is such a retail hyped day” and and and …..

The brilliance about being in a long term relationship is you can sort of be a bit snide and blasé about the whole V-day thing (valentines day, not vagina, one can never be blasé about vagina day).  Because you are in a relationship, and you can sort of a be a bit “oh, we don’t have to worry about that sort of thing…” and watch Valentine’s Day kind of shift past you, and hardly raised a well defined eyebrow at the entire thing.

As divorce looms, and the idea of being a 42 year old single mother with three children appears to be my potentially new Facebook Status Relationship update, the fact that Valentine’s Day is coming around on Friday does make the bile in my gut sort of sneak out my sphincter muscles.

Both sides.

Valentine’s Day is just another day on the calendar, but this year it sort of marks the “first Valentine’s Day” in two decades where I have had to feel a bit “spare” on a holiday/retail hype day/Friday.

It does mark the beginning of a road of “days” where I am not quite sure how to deal with it, or how to prepare myself for it.  Uncharted territory shall we say.

Today is Kennith’s birthday – again the first birthday in two decades where we have not celebrated his birthday together.

He did invite me to dinner with the kids and his family, but I can’t do a polite dinner when I feel there is a huge freaking elephant in the room, and I just cannot smile that long ….

There will be my birthday, the children’s birthday, Christmas and every other holiday and high-day that I have always known where I will be, and who I will be doing it with.

Right now I feel a bit sick at the thought of this new journey.  Every one of these stupid days that will be the sign post of this new life, called Divorced, or Soon to be Divorced, or Nearly Divorced …. or Reluctantly Divorce … or “yes, it’s all a bit of a fuck up” … choose the term that you feel the most comfortable with.

I am still trying out various version of each, and haven’t quite found “my one” yet.

I really would like to hide under the covers, watch back-to-back seasons of Games of Thrones, and hide from the world.  With a large bottle of wine, and an equally large bag of Chuckles.  But I need to wear my Big Girl Panties, and actually just get on with it.

But it’s Valentine’s Day, so I just may go and work at the school’s fete and butter rolls for hotdogs.  That is actually an option open to me at the moment.

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10 Comments

  1. I went through the same thing when I got divorced a few years ago. I still remember that first Vday, first kids birthday and the awkwardness in front of family and friends. The first Xmas by myself was terrible and I literally ran away, jumping on a plane to fly to Geneva to visit my best friend. But, it does get easier, I promise.
    All the best!

    Reply
    • Thank you — it is not easy right now. I had a big ugly crying jag today whilst driving – I had to pull over, I had snot bubbles, I was actually taking those gasping breaths where you can’t actually say anything.

      I am not fine — but I am doing my best to attempt to look like I am fine.

      Reply
      • It is okay that you’re not fine. It is part of the process you have to go through. It is really a crap thing to have to go through. And one day you will be pretending that you’re fine, and you will realise that you are fine. Thinking of you!

        Reply
  2. I stumbled across your blog on the day you announced the D word. I feel for you so much – I don’t have words. I divorced my ex after 29 years of marriage (30 years together) – 5 years ago – when I had a phone call from the other woman in another country. He denied everything but I knew it was true. I lost virtually everything and am still struggling with the maintenance courts (over a year and 6 postponements already) to get my just desserts! Please just ensure you have a damn good lawyer (mine was kak) and take care girl!

    Reply
  3. Hilary

     /  February 12, 2014

    OMG! What the hell? I’m gone for a coupla months and then come back to this shocker (sad face). Oh no Celeste. I have a lot to catch up on. I hope this is not the end of your blog. I’ve been following you since jonks i.e. Pampers Forum days. All I can say is sterkte!

    Your ever loyal fan.

    Reply
  4. We have also always ignored V day because of it’s proximity to our anniversary. This year, for reasons other than divorce, I will also be hating/dreading V-day. I would vote for bed, TV loads of wine and chuckles. I would not put yourself through a school fete if you can help it!

    Good luck, thinking of you!

    Reply
  5. Carol Hutchinson

     /  February 12, 2014

    I am devastated for you Celeste, and I have not stopped thinking about you since you first broke the news. I love your blog, you have an amazing talent and you are a fantastic person. I am with Coco on this, wine and chuckles sound like a really good idea. Take care x

    Reply
  6. Coco

     /  February 12, 2014

    F@#k Celeste this is just k@k, sorry but nothing, not even sprinkles on a pile of k@k will be able to disguise what you must be feeling. Chin up and soldier on and bed, TV, wine and chuckles sounds like a good idea.

    Reply
  7. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  February 12, 2014

    I’m sorry Celeste! I know that must sound trite and of no comfort but it is what it is and I am sorry that you are going through this… all the uncertainty.
    Lots of love!

    Reply
  8. Cathy

     /  February 12, 2014

    I have been reading your blog for a while now and have never commented because it feels like I know you… And yet we don’t know each other. I kind of get where you come from (I have 3 kids). I’m really sorry about this huge THING you’re having to cope with and so badly want to reach out and help you in some way. I love your blog and think you are fabulous and awesome as a mom and a person.

    Reply

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