What screws us up most in life …..

A day does not go by where I do not think about a blog post.

I  run the idea of what I want to post about, or more importantly what is running around inside my head and think of the words I will use to get it out.

Then I sit and stare at the screen.

Right now I need blogging — it is my life raft in what appears to be a rather chaotic ocean.

The default thought that overpowers my thinking is “divorce.”  I do apologise as this is going to be a recurring theme of this blog moving forward.  I can’t tell you when I will stop bleating about it.

If you can’t bear to watch, then please click away.

Kennith was hoping we could discuss the details about us parting company like adults and be amicable about the entire thing.  My guess is a spreadsheet and the possibility of a pie chart of some sort would be what moved across the table.

I realised that  is just not going to be possible.  Even with the best hope in the world.

And I love a pretty graph or pie chart.

The problem with a partner of 20 years who asks you for divorce, is that you are thrown into a situation where the person who was your best mate, your partner through it all, the person who was always looking out for you, is no longer THE person who is looking out for you.

Their agenda, their focus has shifted.  It has to.  We are both trying to survive this and get to the other side with as little damage as possible to ourselves and our children.  Kennith’s desire to cut his ties with me, does not mean that he is reaffirming his need to remain connected to me forever.

He is looking at ways that we can be independent of each other – and that unfortunately flies in the face of  what is good for me, or in my best interests.

“Divorce” or “being divorced from” has become a constant in my day – a feeling of rejection, of concern for my welfare, worry whether my children are going to be okay, worrying where we will live, what form our lives will take from here on in and and and …

There is an overriding sense bit of humiliation because I could not make this work. I failed.

This is not what I had planned and FUCK YOU UNIVERSE!! THE UNIVERSE IT APPEARS DOES GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN ACTUALLY DEAL WITH.

I wake up and it is the first thought that rolls through my head, and the last thought as Morpheus takes me away somewhere quiet.

Sitting across a table with Kennith and working out how the next few years of our lives will pan out is not something I think he is the best qualified to decide on. Admittedly I lost my voice a long time ago in this relationship.  So maybe I might not be the best person to make the BIG decisions either.

I don’t think Kennith is a bad person, or a person who plans badly.

Nope, I think he is jolly good at looking at something logically and divvying up a home and making plans in a very logical and calculating manner.

The problem is that nothing in this process is logical.  It requires me to negotiate with someone who is no longer my ally, and who emotionally is just not on the same page as me.

He is not the person I can trust in my darkest hour.  He is not the guy I can run to when I have had a scary day.  He is the guy who asked to leave the island.

I know he says he will look out for me and the kids, and you know I believe he believes that he will.  I do.  I believe he believes that.

But he has not been through this divorce.

I have had a little over 60 days to absorb : a divorce, my partner who I have lived with for nearly 20 years will no longer be living with me.  Every plan, every goal I have needs to be revised.  Every way I saw 2014 going will no longer be heading in the direction I thought it would.  Every solitary aspect of my children’s lives with be altered, revised, and changed and possibly change again.

Everything I know being broken down in some way.  I am feeling under constant threat.

Someone asked me last week what is the thing I fear the most about getting divorced and I said “being more broken ….. making my kids broken people…” and then I cried so many snot bubbles I could not finish my thought or the sentence.  I needed to move along as people were staring at me in the fruit and vegetable aisle at Pick ‘n Pay.

I cannot and will not get into a discussion with Kennith about how we should decide our lives from this point on wards.

I cannot afford a divorce lawyer.

I have asked Kennith that we use a mediator and facilitator, who was recommended to me.  He met with her and has agreed that we will work through her.

I am not suggesting that mediation will be pretty and lovely and have rainbows shooting out of unicorns, but it seems like the best option right now.

Next hurdle – Kennith moves out at the end of the month.

How the fuck did we get here so quickly?

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Please note : I appreciate that this process is one that Kennith and I are both going through.  Please be gentle and careful with your comments.  I am not painting Kennith as the villain and me as the superhero.  

I think we will have different hats to wear throughout this relationship – and some days we will be the dog’s bullocks and some days the shit on the sheep’s arse.  No doubt we will take turns with who gets to wear the white hat.

What I share here is “public knowledge” to a large degree, and I would also appreciate it if you would be as kind and as gentle as possible.

I need this blog as “my place” – I have thought about having a private blog, but that is just not the way I can do things — and all of these things are part of who I am and how I got here, or where I will be going.  I need this blog right now.

I am not talking on behalf of Kennith  – this is my blog and this is about how I feel on a particular day.  I reserve the right to be selfish with my feelings and to write about what concerns me most – my perception may be blurred by the fact that I see things from my own perspective.

 Nothing here is in Kennith’s words – and he is free to disagree with me on all and everything.  He is quite entitled to those thoughts.  This blog is written for me, by me and about me.  Kennith gets to tell his own story, when and how he pleases.

Please play nicely on this blog – no shit talk, no slandering and no being a dick.  Please, I really do not have the energy for trolls rights now.

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20 Comments

  1. Alexandra

     /  March 4, 2014

    Don’t know what to say except keep writing and I’ll keep reading. Sending lots of hugs your way.

    Reply
  2. Cheryl Patel

     /  February 26, 2014

    I Have never been married, I have always said that, Marriage is where dreams go to die, but I might change that one day and is quiet a happy 37 yr. old single mother of two. A 20yrs old and a 4yrs old…. I know I was so close and yes you probably did the maths, (Mined you I still feel that young) I blame it on a Kinky Afro party and a lot of drinks later… But yes my life has been riddled with (dare I say) mishaps… but I took it in my stride, and after a hell of a lot of meltdowns, this is where I am today… I really don’t trust men, but do love them to bits after I read the Fifty Shades Trilogy.

    And the interesting thing is you opted for mediation and a lot of people don’t know that there are options like that, and maybe that is what is needed… For the kids sake, your mental state and a appeal to your soon to be ex’s compassion to be kind to your fragile state. However, there is an organization that deals with Retributive Justice and first time offenders called Khulisa Social Solutions, (and yes I work for them, ok) they offer a Justice and reconciliation programme (JARP) where they deal with counselling and mediation between married couples, which is funded by the European Union… and I must say this programme has work well in disadvantaged areas like Mitchells Plain, where violence has taken place, so yes why not do mediation and facilitation, and it should be a requirement when you say I quit on my marriage so I want a divorce… and if not, why not for the kids sake, because we facilitate first time offenders and most of them are angry that their parents are divorced, or not around, or just a whole lot of issues around blaming the parent…

    anyhow with that said, I just wanted to say, you probably handling it better than most people and do have a meltdown in Pic n Pay or McDonalds, or the fitting room of Foshini… It’s ok… Although I have build a resistance to crying (n that’s my story and I am sticking to it) You know, and I know that it going to turn out to be pretty ok, just the matter of “time heals all”

    Reply
  3. Divorce sucks. For everyone involved. You could probably use a hug, so … *bear hug*.

    Reply
  4. Hilary

     /  February 25, 2014

    Yes please do write away. We are definitely not going anywhere, that’s for sure. One thing no one can take away is your talent as a writer – you have a way with words and a sense of humour that always brightens my day. My thoughts are with you and the kids. After reading your blog for so many years I feel as if I know you personally and I must say I feel a great deal of sadness for you and your kids. Sterkte vrou.

    Reply
  5. Keren

     /  February 25, 2014

    Celeste, my heart goes out to you. You know, my husband always says that this is a tuff part of live we are in (working on careers, raising kids, trying to keep everyone as undamaged as possible, worrying about finances), and sometimes I wish one could just give a partner who wants to ‘out’ a glimpse of life when everything has settled down a few years down the line. I hope this is not insensitive.

    I think what I’m trying to say is that an upside-down life, not having all your ducks in a row, losing it more often than not, (being on meds! :-) ) and constant chaos are parts of ‘normal’ right now for this stage of our lives. And that I HOPE that you don’t think that it is just you or that you should have handled life better/more perfect than you have. You are great, you have your children’s wellbeing at heart and you WILL get through this.

    Maybe you don’t want to hear this right now. But I am looking forward to your future, Celeste. You are the person that will create a life for yourself and your children, find happiness and make a success of life. You will have adventures and be fulfilled no matter who walks besides you. I’m saving this picture of you in my head even if you don’t feel like it right now.

    xxx

    Reply
  6. Coco

     /  February 25, 2014

    Celeste there are no winners in a divorce… sometimes it is a necessary evil. In my job I am still astounded as to what it does to two individuals who used to love one another. You have done good to appoint a mediator. Chin up, chuckles in hand and wine on the bed stand you will, have to, and can get through this!

    Reply
  7. Divorce may be the same word to many people but it means something different for each person who has been through it. Messy divorces, easy divorces they all have one thing in common…. and that one thing happens to be no bodies bloody business except for the the two individuals involved. I wish I could send you a giant hug! (Stranger and all but sometimes you need a random hug from a stranger). You have no idea how strong you are. I used to say “You don’t know who you married until you divorce them”, but I think I am changing that to “You don’t know who you really are(or how strong you are) until you go through a divorce” .

    Strongs!

    Reply
  8. I feel very special that I have walked most of the 60 days with you. One thing I can tell you, as someone twice divorced (one I asked for, the other I was asked for) – you never know anyone until you get divorced.

    Take your meds. Cry if you want. Don’t feel guilty to laugh, however fucked up it may feel. 10 minutes at a time if you must and know that I am here….. for whatever you need or I can help with.

    You are such a special woman. I am so blessed to have met you.

    Reply
  9. write away. I’ll be here to read your posts. I guess you’ll always love Kennith, but you’ll love him in a different way.

    Reply
  10. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  February 24, 2014

    I think you have done an amazing job in blogging (to this point) through the trauma of your divorce without being disrespectful to Kennith in anyway, I certainly hope that all the commenters take note of that and stick with comments that are supportive and respectful.
    I’m sorry Celeste, I’m sorry you’re all going through this, I cannot imagine how insecure and scary this must be for you.
    xx

    Reply
  11. I am so sorry for what you are going through. But you sound like a very strong person, if my husband said he wanted a divorce i would not be able to stay in the same house with him without killing him. And even though this is going to be hard you will be able to get through it. The only thing i can offer is a distraction so if you want you can come over to my blog and read about my issues mommyx4boys.wordpress.com good luck and i will be praying for you and your family

    Reply
  12. Your honest and brave accounts of your life has given me strength on many a day when the world seemed to be a bit more bitchy than what I felt I could handle. So if this is the medium best for you to express then go for it. I am sure there are many out there that will be happy when you are the dogs bollocks and we will try and send many virtual hugs and support for the days you are on the bad end of the sheep.

    Reply
  13. I feel queasy! I can’t imagine… Much love!

    Reply
    • Just to let you know – after reading your blog for so long I wait in anticipation for your next blog post. I just want to know you’re still truckin’ in Celeste-style…I’ll never call your erstwhile husband a karton-boxie because you loved him and he was good to you for many years and that hasn’t changed. (Unless you want me to – then drop me a line… I have enough expletives to make a hooker blush! xx)

      Reply
  14. Katrina

     /  February 24, 2014

    It is a shame that after sharing your heartbreak that you have to ask people to be kind because I sort of feel like that should be a given. People should see you are down and not see that as a chance to push you down further. I am not divorced, I don’t pretend to know what you are going through but my daughter did have a heart attack and my friends did tell me that we would be fine and if not, it was okay because I had another daughter. Sometimes people say dicky things when they think they are being supportive. I haven’t written anything before now because I like to read but not make this about me normally but I feel like I should say something supportive. I am sure I will try to say something supportive and it will come out dicky so imagine something comforting and heartfelt and that was what I meant to say but didn’t have the right words for it xx

    Reply

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