A day does not go by where I do not think about a blog post.
I run the idea of what I want to post about, or more importantly what is running around inside my head and think of the words I will use to get it out.
Then I sit and stare at the screen.
Right now I need blogging — it is my life raft in what appears to be a rather chaotic ocean.
The default thought that overpowers my thinking is “divorce.” I do apologise as this is going to be a recurring theme of this blog moving forward. I can’t tell you when I will stop bleating about it.
If you can’t bear to watch, then please click away.
Kennith was hoping we could discuss the details about us parting company like adults and be amicable about the entire thing. My guess is a spreadsheet and the possibility of a pie chart of some sort would be what moved across the table.
I realised that is just not going to be possible. Even with the best hope in the world.
And I love a pretty graph or pie chart.
The problem with a partner of 20 years who asks you for divorce, is that you are thrown into a situation where the person who was your best mate, your partner through it all, the person who was always looking out for you, is no longer THE person who is looking out for you.
Their agenda, their focus has shifted. It has to. We are both trying to survive this and get to the other side with as little damage as possible to ourselves and our children. Kennith’s desire to cut his ties with me, does not mean that he is reaffirming his need to remain connected to me forever.
He is looking at ways that we can be independent of each other – and that unfortunately flies in the face of what is good for me, or in my best interests.
“Divorce” or “being divorced from” has become a constant in my day – a feeling of rejection, of concern for my welfare, worry whether my children are going to be okay, worrying where we will live, what form our lives will take from here on in and and and …
There is an overriding sense bit of humiliation because I could not make this work. I failed.
This is not what I had planned and FUCK YOU UNIVERSE!! THE UNIVERSE IT APPEARS DOES GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN ACTUALLY DEAL WITH.
I wake up and it is the first thought that rolls through my head, and the last thought as Morpheus takes me away somewhere quiet.
Sitting across a table with Kennith and working out how the next few years of our lives will pan out is not something I think he is the best qualified to decide on. Admittedly I lost my voice a long time ago in this relationship. So maybe I might not be the best person to make the BIG decisions either.
I don’t think Kennith is a bad person, or a person who plans badly.
Nope, I think he is jolly good at looking at something logically and divvying up a home and making plans in a very logical and calculating manner.
The problem is that nothing in this process is logical. It requires me to negotiate with someone who is no longer my ally, and who emotionally is just not on the same page as me.
He is not the person I can trust in my darkest hour. He is not the guy I can run to when I have had a scary day. He is the guy who asked to leave the island.
I know he says he will look out for me and the kids, and you know I believe he believes that he will. I do. I believe he believes that.
But he has not been through this divorce.
I have had a little over 60 days to absorb : a divorce, my partner who I have lived with for nearly 20 years will no longer be living with me. Every plan, every goal I have needs to be revised. Every way I saw 2014 going will no longer be heading in the direction I thought it would. Every solitary aspect of my children’s lives with be altered, revised, and changed and possibly change again.
Everything I know being broken down in some way. I am feeling under constant threat.
Someone asked me last week what is the thing I fear the most about getting divorced and I said “being more broken ….. making my kids broken people…” and then I cried so many snot bubbles I could not finish my thought or the sentence. I needed to move along as people were staring at me in the fruit and vegetable aisle at Pick ‘n Pay.
I cannot and will not get into a discussion with Kennith about how we should decide our lives from this point on wards.
I cannot afford a divorce lawyer.
I have asked Kennith that we use a mediator and facilitator, who was recommended to me. He met with her and has agreed that we will work through her.
I am not suggesting that mediation will be pretty and lovely and have rainbows shooting out of unicorns, but it seems like the best option right now.
Next hurdle – Kennith moves out at the end of the month.
How the fuck did we get here so quickly?
Please note : I appreciate that this process is one that Kennith and I are both going through. Please be gentle and careful with your comments. I am not painting Kennith as the villain and me as the superhero.
I think we will have different hats to wear throughout this relationship – and some days we will be the dog’s bullocks and some days the shit on the sheep’s arse. No doubt we will take turns with who gets to wear the white hat.
What I share here is “public knowledge” to a large degree, and I would also appreciate it if you would be as kind and as gentle as possible.
I need this blog as “my place” – I have thought about having a private blog, but that is just not the way I can do things — and all of these things are part of who I am and how I got here, or where I will be going. I need this blog right now.
I am not talking on behalf of Kennith – this is my blog and this is about how I feel on a particular day. I reserve the right to be selfish with my feelings and to write about what concerns me most – my perception may be blurred by the fact that I see things from my own perspective.
Nothing here is in Kennith’s words – and he is free to disagree with me on all and everything. He is quite entitled to those thoughts. This blog is written for me, by me and about me. Kennith gets to tell his own story, when and how he pleases.
Please play nicely on this blog – no shit talk, no slandering and no being a dick. Please, I really do not have the energy for trolls rights now.