Kennith moved out today ….

donotgoToday was easily one of the most difficult days of my life.

Kennith moved out today.

Tomorrow will be the first day that I wake up without him as part of my every day life, which has been a constant for nearly 20 years.

I realised today that I have not fully absorbed the “emotional” side of this process.

I have been so busy with the logistics.

How we will divvy up the house.

What happens with the children and what happens financially for the children that I have not really “sat” with the emotional fall out.

I am really good at ticking off the blocks, making lists, and ensuring that things get done in an organised efficient manner.

I am not always so good at dealing with the “emotional stuff” – I avoid it and defer it until it all hits me in one giant mother of a smack against the side of my head.

I have been so focused on the “details” that I have not had a chance to really take this process IN.

I have had two instances where I sobbed.  Where I cried like a lunatic.

The one I sat in my car and I cried with snot bubbles and that silent scream that you do when you are on the edge of insanity.

Then I stopped crying because I have shit to do, and stuff to get sorted.  I do not have the time to lie in a heap on the floor with a pack of Kleenex.

I have the odd tear, and sniffle, but I have not had a cry.

I chew it back.  I nod and say “I am fine” ….. I just do not have the time.  I am afraid and I barely have the energy to hold my shit together.

I am too afraid that if I start crying that I will not be able to stop.  Ever.

And then the world will come to an end.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a new psychologist.

I think it is time to meet a new man.  Sit on the couch and have a good all-fall-down.  Then pay him as I leave for listening to my problems.  Sounds almost like a date, just no possibility of a split bill.

I “feel” like I am “okay” but I have learnt a long time ago that actually that I am pretty awesome at constructing and maintaining facades of sanity.  If you need someone who puts a “chin up” on anything, please contact me – I have it so taped, I could give classes.

I realise I need to get a good psychologist in my corner — because at some point this is all going to crack.  Going to break.

And then all the king’s horses and men will not be able to put this Humpty Dumpty together again.

Today is not a fun day.

My guess is that tomorrow is not going to be any better.

I wanted to say “any fucking better” but then I decided I should really try to stop saying “fuck” “fucking” or “for fuck sake” so fucking much.  Then I decided, well fuck that.

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20 Comments

  1. Maddi

     /  March 4, 2014

    Now is not the time to stop swearing, for fucks sake! I am in a different boat altogether, I wish I had the courage to up and go. But I keep putting it off. I think I also need to go find a shrink and get my head sorted out. I kind of feel as if I’m going to fall apart any second now just for different reasons to you. Wishing you lots of strength today and like someone said, give yourself permission to grieve this loss, because that’s what it is.

    Reply
  2. Wow, so painful. I don’t really know what else to say except I am sorry this is happening to you.

    Reply
  3. Alexandra

     /  March 4, 2014

    Hope you have a good session with the new psychologist and that he’s the one. If not move onto the next until you find a good fit.

    Reply
  4. It took me months to actual face the fact that I was getting divorced eventhough I was the one who left. I was so preoccupied with the logistics I ignore why I was having to organise lawyers etc.

    ((hugs)) I know it doesn’t mean much now but it gets better chick! I promise!

    Reply
  5. Jenny

     /  March 4, 2014

    I am so sorry Celeste. Try to stay strong for your kids and take it day to day.

    Reply
  6. Just want to say that I am sorry for your sadness. If it helps try to remember that one day you will feel better than you do now. Surround yourself with good friends, imported chocolate and definitely a good shrink.

    Reply
  7. CE

     /  March 4, 2014

    10 months ago I was exactly were u are. It gets better. The kids will be ok. U will be ok. Make sure u have support. Colleagues, family and especially especially girlfriends. Ones who will listen. Sending love and kisses. xxoo

    Reply
  8. Not much I can say, but thinking of you, and BIG HUG!

    Reply
  9. Hi C. I read this years ago and I live by it daily.

    We work hard to disown the parts of our lives that were/are painful, difficult, or sad. But just as we can’t rip chapters out of a book and expect the story to still make sense, so we cannot rip past chapters out of our lives and expect our lives to still make sense. Keep every chapter of your life intact, and keep on turning the pages. Sooner or later you’ll get to a page that brings it all together and you’ll suddenly understand why every page and chapter before it was needed.

    That ” It gets better with time” quote really sucks in situations like this, so let rip, blow nose bubbles and take it one step at a time.

    The End……………for now, at least.

    Reply
  10. Rene

     /  March 3, 2014

    It’s so hard been a grown up, never mind a married grown up. Your post made me weep as I realize you could be anyone of us and anyone of us could be you. This too shall pass, just don’t stop loving yourself x

    Reply
  11. You’re strong to make it this far. These days will appear out of nowhere for quite awhile. Strength to you…it DOES get better, but it takes time!

    Reply
  12. Yes. Fuck that. I can promise you there will be many more days that feel fucked up. Two divorces behind me, there is nothing left to learn for me. It is a massive amounts of Fuck….. I too am pretty awesome at constructing and maintaining facades of sanity. 

    Reply
  13. It shouldn’t be okay, that whole grief process and stuff. And so, when you get to know you without him and we and us and just… be… it can only get better. There really isn’t anyone cooler than you, that you’d want to go home with, on any given night. Try http://www.purposefairy.com sometime, whenever.

    Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

    Reply
  14. Finding ‘your’ shrink is like finding a gynae. I wouldn’t let any other head doctor in this mess of a mind except for my Margaret. (As I type this I realise I may have a problem).

    Margaret was not your conventional shrink, it was like having coffee with a girlfriend. She ooh’d and aaah’d at my stories and once actually agreed with me that my husband was an asshole. (yes, I might have paid her R600 an hour to agree, but she agreed all the same). I hope you find your own Margaret.

    I want you to know: It’s ok to cry, it is also ok not to. It’s ok to laugh about the ridiculousness of it all, and then to cry about the ridiculousness of it all.

    It is ok to cry in front of your children. They need to know that sometimes grown ups get hurt too. It is also ok to take the kids to grandma and grandpa and to drink yourself into oblivion with some friends or a good book and eat a whole box of chocolates.

    I thought raising a child was difficult, until I got divorced. I was 23 when I got divorced. I knew nothing about the world, I was dumb. And I turned out (semi) ok. If I made it you will make it. Wine in one hand, a keyboard in the other.

    Reply
  15. Sending you gobs of love and healing energy.

    Reply
  16. Just awful. I am so sorry.

    Reply
  17. Sending you loads of hugs.

    Reply
  18. Leigh Engelsman

     /  March 3, 2014

    My heart goes out to you Celeste, there are no words of wisdom or comfort, just try to hang in there. Being a manic depressive myself I can only imagine how hard it must be to hold your shit together right now, so say fuck as often as you like, do whatever it takes to get you through this, thinking of you, sending you so much love, take care, x

    Reply
  19. Tania

     /  March 3, 2014

    I remember that day like it was yesterday. The day had to pack up en entire house on my own. He had decided it was a good time to take a break & leave town, just as the house was to be taken over by the new owners. That day it never rained yet all my boxes & furniture was wet …wet from hours of heart wrenching tears… I have tears for you my friend… My heart is breaking for you…

    Reply
  20. this must be heartsore to deal with. Stating the obvious I know.

    I know its silly but can’t help wishing that you both change your mind and you both ride off into the sunset etc. But in my experience life is not a Mills and Boon.

    have a good cry tomorrow with your new “boy”. Its so healthy to cry. and seriously you sound so mature and level headed about everything that I think a good sob fest will do you the world of good.

    wish things were different for you. but when one door shuts another one opens etc ….sorry for the cliche, but I didn’t know how to convey my support and end this comment.

    Reply

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