The one about the Clinical Psychologist …..

We have received such great advise from the Clinical Psychologist who is acting as a mediator and facilitator and that is in short — and really not verbatim was – “kids are kids, and kids are moody, and things happen — do not assume every time your child does something wrong, or does badly at school or misbehaves that it is because you are going through a divorce.  Kids will continue being kids, and things will happen.  Treat them the same.”

That alone is almost worth the gazillion rand owed on the statement she emailed through earlier.

I think the knee-jerk reaction is that every time one of my kids throws a wobbly, Connor is upset, the kids fight at the dinner table, the kids slam a door, or they ignore me to go “aaawwww shame, it is because we are going through a divorce” – then I experience the guilt, the {sigh} of resignation that I am breaking my kids, and start to think whether they should start therapy soon.

The reason that kids throws wobbly, Connor is upset, the kids fight at the dinner table, the kids slam a door, or they ignore me is that they are kids, and this is what kids do.

Divorce or not.

I think the Clinical Psychologist was trying to tell us in better phrased words to just “calm the fuck down when it comes to your kids and this process of kids growing up – don’t overreact.”

Sane words.

She did not actually say “calm the fuck down” but that was sort of what she indicated my the tilt of her head and the knowing look in her eyes.

Connor has been a bit more “sensitive,” Georgia has been a bit more “weird” and Isabelle has learnt the value of a really good thrombie throwing which includes doors being slammed.

At this juncture I wish to remind you that Isabelle is 4 – and that I will be blogging soon about her being a problem teen – she is as strong willed as I would think endearing in other people’s children, but for me she is a handful — and she is only 4.  She beats the crap out of her siblings, she is always getting her own way, and she does not take being disciplined well.  I gave her one smack on her bum last night for lying, and she cried and screamed for about 30 minutes.  I had to keep reminding her that I actually only gave her one smack —- I think she thought I had ripped her leg off by the way she was acting.

I would have been quick to send them off to play therapy or some other therapy — but my guess is they would have been doing this even if we weren’t playing “breaking up a family.”

The best advise here is “carry on like normal” if we start treating our kids differently, they are going to act differently.

Otherwise, carry on as you were – have a good weekend, and all that stuff.

free_to_choose

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  March 10, 2014

    Kids are also smart little f*ckers and will quickly pick up on how to manipulate you if they sense your weakness.
    Keep on keeping on Celeste!

    Reply
  2. Great advice, we are always too quick to assume any bad behaviors is because of a fault or oversight on our parts. Kids are FAR more resilient than we realise, and will easily slip into new routines as long as they are consistent. Zoe has had various access arrangements and changes since she was 16 months old. She is now 9 and so easy going, she will just pack a bag and head off wherever she needs to be!

    Good luck on this journey – keep communication free and open between mom and dad, and between kids and folks

    Reply
  3. Yip! That,s the best way. Be honest, explain the new visiting rules and then carry on as normal.

    Reply
  4. Karen

     /  March 7, 2014

    This is perfect advice, regardless of the situation. I’m guilty of assuming ” I am breaking my kids” as you said, every day, for a host of reasons. The tough part is to deal with our own emotions about adult things while still having to be the parent and deal with all that stuff in a logical, rational way. There’s a quote I think of now & then, goes something like “Do your best – but remember that your best is going to change according to what situation you’re in/what you’re going through”. So, if only the mommy guilt would eff off and let us believe in that. Kids need to be loved, they need to be fed and they need to be safe. Kind of a motto I go back to often. Take care. K

    Reply
  5. Jenny

     /  March 7, 2014

    Brilliant advice. Because the truth is if kids now start to realise they can get away with murder and make you feel guilty to boot, of course they are going to start manipulating the entire situation to suit them. The boundaries have to stay in place – to me that is the best security you can offer them right now! Sterkte Celeste.

    Reply
  6. Alexandra

     /  March 7, 2014

    Sounds like you’re getting some really good advice

    Reply

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