I am hoping that when you read this I am skipping around Franschoek, and trying to forget that I am forty-fucking-one.
It is all a bit frightening. I am closer to being 60 than I am to being 20.
I have no pearls of wisdom to share. Happy birthday me! I will stab the next child who calls me “tannie” ……
Posted by reluctantmom on May 9, 2013
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/happy-birthday-er-to-me/
Mother’s Day. A treacherous time of year. Gift wise.
The stores are overflowing with trinkets, slippers and mugs with bears saying things like “The Best MOM Ever” and similar shit.
There are promises of Mother Day Lunches, which throw in a free glass of wine, and a red carnation. It is all a bit blegh and worrisome.
I am not exactly sure that the definition is of trinket verses “something I would actually like” but it is fair to say that if it has the word MOM printed anywhere on it, it is not going to be a good gift.
If there is a red heart anywhere, and the hint of a carnation, you can be certain it is just shite and should be avoided.
It is probably not something you want to give or receive.
I am fairly sure I will get a home made card from Isabelle’s school, and even a macaroni necklace. I quite liked last year’s one — I kept it for some time, but maybe a bracelet this year or macaroni ear rings would be a nice add on gift.
The possible only exception with gifts that include the word “MOM” would be Mommy Juice Wine
I know that the idea is when you get a shockingly bad gift is to say the mantra: “its the thought that counts” – to which I say I tend to be thinking “what the fuck were you thinking??”
At the end of the day what is it that moms want? Here are a couple of ideas of good gifts:
1. To go to the toilet uninterrupted. I could not think of a better way to spend a day, than Kennith coming up with a bag of all my favourite Woolies treats, making me a cup of tea, p0uring a bag of chuckles into a bowl, putting this on my side table and saying: “I am going to take the kids out for the day. You relax, sleep, go for a shit, flick channels on the remote, go wild – we will see you at 17h00. Enjoy the day by yourself in the house. Oh I have done all the washing up, the kids rooms are clean, the house is in ship shape order. I even got Connor to clean up the dog shit – have a great day by yourself reading your book and dozing!”
That there is the perfect gift.
2. To read a book in the bath uninterrupted. Mine usually ends up with a small person coming and either getting in to the bath, or better yet sit on the toilet take a giant crap, and then tell me “Us finished” so I have to get out the bath to wipe their bum. Toilet paper on wet hands, and looking at your child’s chocolate starfish whilst you are trying to soak yourself in the wonders of a Body Shop bath oil, is sort of lost in this exercise.
3. A day at a Spa. Not to be confused with a day at the Spar. Which is similiar, but is not one of those instances where you go “ah, well just semantics hey!” Not just being given a voucher, but it being planned for you. Again revert to point 1. Driving you to the spa, saying hey I got the kids, you enjoy your 6 hours of relaxation – I will catch you at 16h00. Enjoy.
4. A box of goodies from the Body Shop. I adore the stuff from the Body Shop. Those guys can seldom get it wrong. I loved the “gingerbread” range that came out over Xmas. Still using it, adore the Body Shop.
5. One hour time out. Three fresh croissants, fresh butter, some divine cheese, honey, a pot of tea, the newspaper and an hour to read and enjoy it all.
6. Lovely jammies. Not ones with hearts, not ones with “My MOM is the best” just lovely cotton or warm winter jammies – again aim for Woolworth. PEP not so much! That’s a good gift.
7. Exclusive Books Vouchers - and being dropped off for 90 minutes to shop and choose books, then to meet your husband (kids need to be somewhere else) for a divine lunch!! That is a great way to spend Mother’s Day.
8. Godiva Truffles – here buddy, you just cannot go wrong!
These are a couple of ideas of shit not to give:
1. Appliances – I know a 4 slice kitchen toaster looks like a really good idea. I bet she has even said something like “shit balls we need a new washing machine.” Mother’s Day is not the day or the time to present anything that can be plugged in to a wall socket. In the kitchen. (this obviously excludes vaccuum cleaners and irons, which I assumed would be a foregone conclusion, but let’s add those in the interests of sanity)
2. A gift that is actually for you – this might include lingerie, a fishing rod or golf clubs, a new tv remote, new wii that sort of thing.
3. Anything available at 21h00 on a Saturday night – if you had to stop at an Engen or BP Quick Shop to buy it, well then odds are it is not the best buy you can make.
4. Artificial flowers – A definite must if you plan on being wacked in the head with them, and your Facebook status being changed to “it’s complicated.”
5. Robot flowers – if you are purchasing flowers from the guys at the side of the road on mother’s day, then ask yourself why? If you don’t know the answer, then hit your head against the steering wheel, and repeat exercise until you black out and the man at the traffic lights steals all your money (for those who appear baffled, in South Africa we refer to traffic lights as robots — hence the heading). Do not buy flowers at traffic lights/robots – are you too lazy arse to stop at Woolworths at the very least?
6. Gym membership – For the love of gd this is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this. She will hear “you are fat and you better go exercise” – you will hear the slamming of doors, and then you will have to go and buy a back up gift to say sorry, and still continue to service the gym membership for 24 months even though she is not going to be using it.
7. Lingerie – A mediocre to tacky gift on Valentine’s Day – but wow, just bad on Mother’s Day.
8. Deodorant masquerading as perfume!! Hells bells, my guess is you are in the aisle at Clicks. Stop yourself, put the tacky box down, leave the store. Go and get a drink, think it through again. If it still looks like a good idea, order a large fucking drink.
9. Heart bears, heart anything that has stuffing. Unless it is a stuffed chicken and you are serving it for lunch, then you can put an heart on it anytime!
10. Slippers. How many slippers does any women need? One pair that is how many. One pair. If you or anyone you have known have bought a pair in the last dozen years, then cross this piece of shit off your ‘stuff to get mom’ list.
11. A membership to Weight Watchers or a mountain bike (see point 6). Both kinda say that you are starting to get a bit chunky, and we need someone to bring in the big guns.
12. An electric egg boiler. No, just say fucking no!
13. Soap that has bigger wrapping than the soap. This is a visual trick to make you think you are buying a fabulous gift, but really it is a bar of soap and enough plastic and shit to fill your plastic recycling bucket.
14. A puppy. A kitten. A rabbit. A hamster. Fantastic another mouth to feed, and more shit to pick up. Do not buy pets as gifts —you can buy pets as meals. Chicken great for Sunday lunch, rabbit makes a good stew, and so on.
15. Re-gifting. Regifting is super funny, but not for mother’s day, because odds are you are going to fuck it up and give me the shit I gave you at Christmas. This behaviour is just too risky, unless you have a fantastic spreadsheet-of-keeping-a-record-of-who-gives-you-stuff system.
Posted by reluctantmom on May 7, 2013
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/good-and-bad-gift-ideas-for-mothers-day/
I had not been to Franschhoek before last year.
True fact.
Kennith and I stayed over for a night and walking around the town, and had lunch, and dinner, and ate chocolates, and I found a metal Scottish Terrier doorstop.
It was a really lovely day. I firmly realised that I do love Franschhoek.
Been promising to get out there again, and we just have not got there. Story of my life.
My birthday is coming up – 9 May, and I am treating myself to a day in Franschhoek and a little stay over at a guest house. I have booked a guest house – not quite sure where the kids will be, but those are details I can sort out between now and then.
I have booked dinner at Mange Toit – not sure if it is pretentious good, or we can put wine in our ice without the wine waiter shitting in his pants.
I plan to spend the day ambling around, strolling along through the shops and maybe a drive to a nearby wine estate for a walk around/glass of wine.
Sounds like a slice of heaven! Exactly – this people is what heaven would be like, and then I might start believing in it.
I have booked lunch at Bread and Wine Restaurant which is at the Moreson Vineyard.
I drank a bottle of their Miss Molly wine last year and I think I had a religious experience {chances are if someone told me it was served in heaven I might well get on board with this heaven and hell malarkey.) I plan to buy a box of Miss Molly at lunch. Not necessarily drink it all at lunch, but make a heroic dent in it would do.
I believe the restaurant is brilliant, so I am writing that in my diary in ink. With a giant heart and a note to starve myself for three days to really get the full experience. I am so not used to going anywhere that does not break into the the Spur “it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday” with all the waiters-who-could-not-get-away-fast-enough singing along.
I am sure it will be fine. I will bring my own sparkle and put it in my ice-cream, just so I do not forget the unfortunates who are eating at the Spur on my fine day.
I usually do not get excited by my birthday, but this year I am. 9 May, look out, I have your number.
Posted by reluctantmom on May 3, 2013
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/franschhoek-you-sweetheart-wait-for-me/
I know that “rite of passage” to mommy-hood is being able to pinterest the crap out of your child’s upcoming/planned/anticipated birthday party.
I think I have commented before that I am a bit less excited about my own children’s birthday parties, because they overwhelm me so much.
I get stressed right at the planning stage. By the time we move to the RSVP’s and the parents who do not respond by the indicated date, I am about ready to throw back 10 Zolofts and wonder about the sanity of it all!!
Birthday parties are not happy occasions for me. They are stressful and I usually just want to count 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi, 3-Mississipp until it is all over.
I have no idea how moms who throw parties manage to look so composed and that they are enjoying it all. Eleven years in, and countless parties, and I still find a pap smear more enjoyable.
Connor has his birthday in December, so he is almost guaranteed hot and sunny weather. Except on the dates where we plan an outdoor party that is weather dependent then sure as nuts are sweaty, it will rain or be windy, as it has for the last three years – except the movie party, because on that day it was sunny and 36 degrees.
I have passed the torch of ”Connor’s birthday parties” to Kennith and he has been organising these for the last three years. Though granted he forgot to get a cake last year, but let’s not hold that against him.
June is the birthday month for the girls. Sadly Isabelle has never actually had a birthday party – she is overshadowed totally by her sister every year without fail. This year will be no exception.
I was planning on using an indoor venue for Georgia’s party this year, but she is turning 8, and she is at that age where indoor venues are a bit young for her.
I then thought I would look at a Pamper Party for her, but nothing I have seen fills me with much hope. To be honest two of the potential party places never got back to me, so I am not exactly filled with hope and exaltation when we can barely get out of the starting gates.
Third plan was to have her birthday party at the Aquarium, and do a mermaid party. But if you have 15 kids, it might just be cheaper to buy a live shark and put him in your pool and then the kids can throw fish at him.
Right now we are back at the idea of having a home party.
Georgia is at the age where the kids are drop off and go. It is great on so many levels. I do not have to cater for the parents, and to this also means a reduction in awkward small talk. Right now I just need to prepare to say “hi there, lovely, wonderful, see you at about 16h00 okay?”
The rest of the time at least the only social awkwardness is me and a room full of eight year olds. But if it is a late afternoon party, then at least I can drink wine, and that sometimes helps.
I had to first explain to Georgia that we were no longer doing the mermaid party. I had hyped it up a bit to sell her on the idea. That was a bit of a challenge and an exercise in disappointing a seven-year old, but now she seems to be on board with my new idea. More or less.
My new party plan (for this week, check in at the end of March for a revised new plan) is that we will throw a “Born to be an Artist” party.
Kids will do canvases and painting and stuff ….. I have no idea yet, but that is the rough overall picture at the moment, and that is pretty much all I have got.
I am thinking of painting a portion of the floor in the garage with chalk paint and the kids can draw on it. I am thinking we can “frame” one wall in the garage and the kids can paint that too. The options are endless, as long as it stays in the garage!
I am off to pinterest as soon as I finish this post.
Posted by reluctantmom on February 27, 2013
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2013/02/27/party-planning-step-one-decide-on-a-party-theme/
On the 10 December we left for a road trip – it was the first holiday we have taken with the kids. We tend to go away without the kids, and when we do go away with them, we tend to head anywhere that is no more than 2 hours from home.
Mainly because at some point around day three we will just want to go home.
We drove to Bloemfontein, and then stayed over for a night – just so Connor was not going to be in the car for his birthday.
We had actually had a really cool surf party for him on the 8th. 10 of his friends doing a surf lesson and then surfing/falling at Muizenburg Beach.
I sat on the beach freezing and trying to keep Isabelle warm, thinking this is the coldest and grimmest birthday every – the wind was howling and it was freezing – only to be told by the boys that it WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!
Shows what I know. Children appear to have no thermostat and a high tolerance for lips that turn blue, and wind that makes you bend at the ankles.
We left Bloemfontein with stars in our eyes, and all the excitement one would expect when aimed towards Sun City.
I have never been to Sun City, so the idea of it was quite lavish, fun-filled, and included hours lazing around a pool with a large glass of Chenin Blanc and maybe a small packet of pistachios from the pool bar!
Sun City sounded very cool and we were “surprising ” the kids. They only realised where we were going when Connor started reading the SUN CITY sign.
We are in the hotel and I am all excited about the fact that we are at SUN CITY. We are taken up to our room by a porter and I am all WE ARE IN SUN CITY, WE ARE IN SUN CITY.
We walk in the room – bear in mind I have been stuck in a car for two days, so the room is like heaven. I walk in. It is big, it is clean, it does not smell of old food and feet like the car. T\here is a big bed with crisp sheets and large pillows. Oh heaven. Wake me quick!
I am so “I am going to lie down with my book and a cup of tea” and I then I realised “hey where are the kids’ beds?”
“Where is the interleading door to the kids rooms?
I glance behind the tv cabinet.
I look under the bed.
I peek behind the curtain.
I ran my hand along the wall in the event it had one of those “secret” spring lock numbers.
I get annoyed because clearly we are in the WRONG ROOM. I pivot around to Kennith and tell him we are booked in the wrong room, as where is the inter leading door to the kids’s room?
The porter indicates the red/orange couch with a bit of a flourish.
I knew he was saying something but I could not hear him, as the voices in my head started screaming at about that point.
I say a little louder (because I have learnt this from my kids, if you keep saying something over and over again, in a louder voice, sometimes you get that thing that you were not going to get in the beginning) voice: “WE ARE IN THE WRONG ROOM. WE ARE MEANT TO BE IN THE FAMILY SUITE. THEY HAVE MADE AN ERROR WITH THE BOOKING. WHERE IS THE KIDS ROOM?”
Porter guy showed us the roll out bed — which rolls out from the couch — where he suggests we are going to put three kids. To sleep.
More importantly when he rolled out the bed, the room did not get any bigger.
We then were 5 people with 5 over sized bag, whose contents was thrown around in the room, squeezed into a room suited to 2 people. 2 people comfortable. 5 people a bit less so.
Shall we just say the glamour of SUN CITY evaporated right there!
I do not in any way wish to take away the magic that is SUN CITY. But “family suites” appear to be not dissimilar from camping. You have bags all around you, and you spend much of your day scratching around in them for items of clothing, and some more time trying to shove everything back into them.
If sleeping 5 in a room was slightly “what I did not expect” – 5 of us using one bathroom really took any trace of magic out of the equation.
By night two, Kennith ended up on the roll out couch’s mattress transferred to the floor.
Connor on cushions made from those that came off the couch, and I slept in the big bed with the two girls.
Not quite what I had expected, I will confess.
Posted by reluctantmom on January 12, 2013
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/road-trip-story-1/
I had Georgia’s party this weekend at Bugz Playpark – the downside is that you cannot bring anything to the venue, the upside is that you cannot bring anything to the venue …. the result is you have nothing to stress about, as the elves take care of all the bits and pieces on your behalf.
Totally winner winner chicken dinner stuff.
You tick a few things off on your list, and then you give them Kennith’s credit card, and then you enjoy the day.
The rest is taken care of.
The only thing I had to do on the day was go and collect the cake, the remainder of the day was pretty much easy sailing. Of course about an hour before the party I start to feel that manic feeling that overcomes me when ever I am hosting/attending a party {social phobia much?}
I arrived at Bugz Playpark, and everything was set up. The food was better than I anticipated. They made party packs, there was cooldrink, there was Smarties and Jelly Beans. The venue looked really sweet (I have not used Bugz Playpark inside venue before)
There was really absolutely nothing for me to do, other than stand around and appear useless.
The party hostess set up, she fetched things if I asked, she put everything out, she face painted, she cleaned up … bless her cotton socks.
In keeping with my love of birthday parties and RSVP’s, there were two moms who cancelled on the day as thier girls were sick, and there was one child who arrived who had not RSVP’d … but I took this all in my stride. Honestly I did.
My cousin decided on the last moment to come through with her three kids, and all I did was ask the friendly and efficient hostess to add an additional party pack – sorted!!
I would like to tell you how good I was that I did not stress out, and that I did not swear and cuss, but I do have a small confession, I had Mommy’s Little Party Helper in the form of a beta-blocker.
Basically medication that supresses your body’s reaction to anxiety and stress. You still feel anxious and stressed, but you do not break out in sweat, your heart does not race, and your breathing does not become rapid and shallow (all three standard for me) so I stood around being cool and calm, no matter what was happening.
I realise it is an absolute “cheat” but right now I admit that there are a lot of things I cannot handle, and any bit of assistance I can get, I take. {I have a very limited supply of the beta-blockers so have enough for 5 events/functions/stressful situations where I feel I need a Get Out of Jail Free Card}
It was a great party, the kids ran around and had fun. We actually ended up not having time to even cut the cake. I also do not think anyone could have fitted any cake in – there was just too much food for both adults and children.
I loved when the one little girl said: “This is the BEST party I have ever been to, EVER!”
Bless her. The cheque is in the mail.
It really was a good, easy party – and other than the RSVP thang, everything else was all quite lovely.
Happy almost Birthday Georgia!
{Georgia’s birthday is on the 20th of June and her and I are going to have a spa afternoon after I collect her from school. Can you say bliss?}
Random photos from the day, I actually forgot my camera at home, so we had a use a mik-and-druk camera}
Posted by reluctantmom on June 17, 2012
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/another-party-over-mommy-has-a-lie-down/
I love your children’s birthday parties, but I truly do not enjoy the planning and co-ordination that goes into a birthday party for my children.
I would love for them to have a truly spectacular birthday party.
I would love it more if I have absolutely nothing to do with the planning, and just come as a guest. I want to be rich enough to employ a party planner, and then give them a large wad of cash, some basics outlines and walk away from the entire matter.
For one, I procrastinate.
I do not get all pinterest and make a huge album of great ideas for birthday parties.
I also think that kid’s birthday parties have lost touch with reality – moms go all out to prove they can throw the best party, either to indicate how much they love their child or to show up moms who cannot order a Happy Meal without forgetting the toy.
It is just all gone on so overboard. The end result is that you also need to up your game or your party just looks like 2 cupcakes and a cheap candle!!
I barely get in under the wire to book a suitable venue and order a cake on the right day.
Then as I think I am getting some sort of momentum, I put together the invites, and this is about the part where I truly lose what is left of my very delicate mind, and my very thin level of ability to like other people.
What the helvetica is it about parents (yes moms) who cannot RSVP timeously? Get the invite, decide if you like the child enough to go, check your diary, make a decision, rsvp – easy as shite.
I supply an email and a cell number, so in no way does the person actually have to speak to me. You can sms or email me anytime. Even at 2 am.
Really, just a “howzit, see you at the party” or “howzit, sorry won’t be at the party” – less than 144 characters, decision, push and send response should use up less time than it takes you to change a tampon.
But, each and every birthday party is the same shite. Send invites. Make it very clear in the best possible language you would appreciate it/love it/offer free blow.jobs if they just rsvp by the date you have indicated.
Usually in bold uppercase, and if you are feeling slightly pissy then you would add italics as well – I have considered attached a LCD light so the date and time that I am begging for an rsvp for flashes. Repeatedly.
Even with all of this more than 1/2 the stupid and rude parents do not rsvp.
So, I am stuck wondering if they are just not “rsvp people” and I should still plan for them to be there – you know cover the cost per child, order a party pack and all that, as if they arrive.
It is not the parent who is going to feel like a right chop, but the kid who is going to stand there like “orphan annie with no party to go to” as I go “hey what I surprise, did not realise you were coming, errrrr…………..” , or do I assume that they are “not rsvp people” an dnot coming, but are just rude as fk not to tell me.
Am I the only person this happens to?
Should I take this as a personal slight? Are my children that unpopular, that parents do not RSVP in the hope that they hold out to see if they get a better invite for the same day?
Every year this crap annoys me, and this year is no less annoying.
Next year Georgia/Isabelle/Connor will be having a “take my two best” friends to a movie and a lunch – pick two friends, and bring them, that is all.
Fk this dozen kids shit.
Do I sound a bit annoyed? You have no idea!!! Just RSVP for cheese and rice, what the hell is wrong with you?
<<official club badge, I am president, busy looking for an executive committee, if interested please let me know ….. >>
Posted by reluctantmom on June 14, 2012
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2012/06/14/have-i-told-you-how-much-i-hate-birthday-parties/
