50 Shades of Grey ….. meet me out in the shed

The only positive thing I can say about 50 Shades is that it did for adult reading what Harry Potter did for everyone else.

No one read.  No one posted comments about books they had read. Ever.

50 Shades was released.  Every hausfrau known to man, every woman with a pulse was taking photographs of herself reading 50 Shades, or posting updates on Facebook about her reading 50 shades of grey.

I can stumble through shit books as much as the next person.

I made it through about 623 pages of Shantaram before I decided that if he was going to climb a mountain with some unknown  dudes. I decided I was starting to side with the mountain lion.  It is not a spoiler alert.  There was no mountain lion.  I seriously would re-read a rewrite that included a mountain lion who ate Lindsay Ford - there is a good chance I would give it another go.  Shantaram is the biggest waste of my time, if you exclude the time that I have spent trying to synch my new ipad (still not synched — damn you apple gods, damn you)

50 Shades of Grey is probably only good if you need about 3 – 8 minutes of light fiction so you can mas.turb.ate (yes I said it) but other than that, the book is trite shit, and just bad-ly bad-ly written.

But a few key quotes from that tomb of bad reading:-

Her curiosity oozes through the phone.  {sounds very similar to a call center operator asking me if I am having a nice day — the key is that it is going to get less nice because you just called}

Feel it baby.  {I do think in sex it helps to remind your partner that they should actually feel something …. other than say rigor mortis}

He’s my very own Christian Grey popsicle.  {I am guessing sorbet was no longer on the menu!}

Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel.  {I have been in several hotels, I do not think I have ever girded my loins —  but maybe I have been in the wrong hotels.}

Suppose he returns with a cane, or some weird kinky implement? {A cane OR a weird kink implement??  I really am not sure what I would think if  ***** arrived with a cane …. limp much?  Seriously, what are you meant to say?}

Anastasia when cuffed to the bed posts: ‘Holy cow, I cannot move my arms.  {Anastasia – who has for the record just spoilt my favourite name — yes, that is pretty much what happens when you are handcuffed to anything – if you can move, then pick up the box and re-read the instruction because your handcuffs are no longer working.}

50 Shades 0f Grey is really a kak read.

I am suggesting that there are thousands of women (and several very happy partners/husbands) who really enjoyed the book and no doubt Book Club pass it along must have soared.  I am not judging you for reading (or benefiting) from the book. The book is crap, you are not necessarily crap.

The only reason I am mentioned 50 Shades of Grey, is because I have become a fan of 50 Sheds of Grey.

Now that I like!

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Terrific!

I spent Sunday with Tertia Albertyn …

On Sunday morning I finished “The Poisonwood Bible” by Barbara Kingsolver – what an incredible book.

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I am stealing a review from Amazon, which is exactly as the book is:

I read Kingsolver’s earlier “Pigs in Heaven” and “Bean Trees.” I picked up “The Poisonwood Bible” on impulse to read while on vacation. Once I started reading it, I found it hard to put down.

I have never had much interest in African history, but this book made me want to find out more. Her characters, as in her earlier books, are very well realized and fascinating.

The story begins with the arrival in the Belgian Congo of Nathan Price, fire and brimstone Baptist preacher, and his reluctant family. The family’s story is told by Nathan’s wife, Orleanna, and their five {Reluctant Mom – error here, there are four daughters, unless I am missing something} daughters – shallow teen-age Rachel, twins Leah and Adah, and five-year-old Ruth May.

The voices of the characters are authentic and believable.

Other reviewers are correct in their assessment that this is, in a sense, two books. The first is about Nathan’s clumsy and ill-advised attempts to fit Africa to his fundamentalist beliefs, and the family’s attempts to fit their lives to Africa. The second is about the way a family tragedy marks its survivors and the different ways events in Africa mark them as well. I don’t agree that Kingsolver should have “stopped writing” at the end of the first part.

I was absolutely spellbound by the way the voices changed and the way they stayed the same from the first to the last of the book.

One believes in the characters, they change and grow as the book progresses. Other reviewers found Rachel grating, but I think that was the point. Her shallowness brought home the points that Kingsolver was making even more effectively than the earnest preaching by Leah. I got the sense that in her own way, Rachel understood the events perfectly well, but that she did not care.

I felt very complete when I finished the book. It was a satisfying experience

Source:  Amazon reviewer.

Finished the book, took a look around and thought, I really need to read another book.  So Close by Tertia Albertyn was lying on my study table.  I picked it up, thought, okay, I will give this a gander.

And that was where I spent my Sunday.  I started at about 09h30 and finished it at about 16h30.  There was the usual shopping, kids, making lunch, trying to stop the kids arguing about whose turn it was to change the channel — all the normal Sunday stuff in between.

I am not sure why I have not read this book earlier.

I was captivated/engrossed/sucked in/ignored my children totally from page one.

I have never met Tertia, but I felt like I was sitting next to her, and her mom, through each scan.

The book made me cry, makes me laugh, made me smile through the snot in certain places.  It made me hold my children a bit closer (when I remembered they were there), made me shake my head and wonder how infertiles manage to survive to face another day.

I did not like the book.  I loved the book.

It is an easy read, it all feels familiar – strangely so.  It was like I was sitting with a girlfriend and having a long lunch, with lots of wine and she was telling me her story.

Tertia writes in such a genuine way, you do not feel like she is trying tooo hard, or that she is so hopelessly painful that you prefer not to look.

Her story is incredible.  Her story is human.  Her story is pain and pain, and hope, and then pain, and repeat as many times as necessary.

I cried for Hannah.  I sobbed for Luke.  I tjanked for Ben.

Would I recommend the book to you to read?  Yes, most definitely.  Tertia brings with her an energy, a humour, and a spirit that you cannot but admire.

I am in awe of her. I am in deep adoration of someone who can survive that much, and still has the energy to get out of bed.

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I have a slightly used version of the book.  Would you like to read it?  Let me know, and I will send my copy to you.

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Blogging Sisterhood of the Travelling Book

Because every sisterhood needs an image.

Feel free to use it.  Feel free not to use it.

Pass books on, it’s a great way to get us talking about books which are not 50 Shades of Grey.

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The Sisterhood of the Travelling Book ….

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I have agonised over this — really I have.

I am a people pleaser at heart, though I do come across as a total douché bag and then you wonder: “really a people pleaser, really?”

But I do.

I was earnestly contemplating how I would go out and buy 5 books and send them all out.

I really think that it is unfair to subject only one person to the happiness that is Jenny Lawson.  Really.  This is the kind of happiness that makes you fart you laugh so hard.

Unfortunately Jenny (the bloggess) has totally fkd it up for the rest of us.  Seriously if you are a blogger, and thinking about writing a book, how in gds green earth do you even start when you are faced with the book that is “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” ? As much joy as the +331 pages brought me, it also saddened me to know that Jenny has made it impossible for mediocre bloggers to even think about putting ink to paper.

In the greater scheme of things, a small price to pay.

I do want us all to hold hands and sing happy songs around a camp fire, as we get drunker and drunker, and then we can all start talking trash talk about someone who is not at the fire, with us.  That sort of everyone getting together and being part of how wonderful this book is.

Starting fires in suburban parks without the right permits is frowned upon, and with a 5 litre box of wine does bring more boys to the yard than when I make milkshakes.

I really love Jemina’s idea of making it the Sisterhood of the Travelling Book – and it would be very cool if “the book” (said with the right amount of back music to make it sound quite dramatic) is passed along to someone else as well.

I am going to slip my slightly used, but much loved edition of  ”Let’s Pretend This Never Happened {A Mostly True Memoir} by Jenny Lawson The Bloggess” into a white padded envelope tomorrow and send it off to Countess Kaz who blogs over at The Fat Dairies!

I think it would be great if she would read it, sign it and send it on to another Jenny Lawson Stalker – I can’t dictate to CountessKaz where to send the book, as she might get a list off her blog.

Enjoy the book CountessKaz – I hope it brings back a bit of your mojo.

It is brimming with mojo and all sorts of other good stuff.  Laugh hard, snort harder, and got to bed with a smile on your face — think of me!

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Let’s Pretend This Never Happened ….

While over at my local Exclusive Books, I stumbled across “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened {A Mostly True Memoir} by Jenny Lawson The Bloggess.”

I have not read many of her posts, but the one about Beyonce the Chicken stuck firmly in my mind.

I laughed and snorted out loud to that post.

If I am feeling a bit down in the dumps I always think about Beyonce the Chicken, and it perks me right up.

I am always looking for the sister/brother to Beyonce the Chicken, because I can’t think of a purchase that would make me happier.  Well, other than the biker mouse I saw on e-bay yesterday.

I thoroughly enjoyed The Bloggess’ book “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

She really is hysterically funny, and has this dry “there is nothing to see here” style which I adore.  Enjoyed the book thoroughly.

There were so many bits of this book that I snorted at – here are two – hopefully I do not get cited on a copyright infringement :

“Anyway, my dad had just finished cleaning the deer when I made a reckless fast, ninja-turn U-turn to avoid getting tagged by my sister, and that’s when I ran.  Right. The Fuck. Inside the deer.  It took me a moment to realise what had happened, and I stood there, kind of paralyzed and not ninja-like at all.   The best way I can describe it is that it was kind of like wearing a deer sweater.  Sometimes people laugh at that, but it’s not an amused laugh. It’s more of an involuntary nervous giggle of what-the-fuckness.  Probably because you aren’t supposed to wear deer for sweaters.  You’re not supposed to throw up inside them either,but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

“Then I drove myself to work and I almost passed out from a combination of the pain and the not-breathing, and when I got there I hurt so much I couldn’t even move my mouth to talk, so I wrote ‘I HAVE BROKEN MY NECK,” on a Post-it, and my bewildered office mate drove me to the hospital.  Turns out I’d herniated a disc, and the doctor gave me a pamphlet on domestic abuse and kept asking m whether someone was hurting me at home, because apparently most people don’t herniate their discs simply from brushing their hair too hard.  I prefer to think that most people just don’t brush their hair as enthusiastically as I do.”

I enjoyed this book.  Every page of it.  Loved the photographs.  Loved the captions.

I sat and read this book in about a day and a half.  Best time ever in bed.  With a book!

So, listen, I loved the book, and I am sure you will love the book as well.

If you would like to read “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened” by Jenny Lawson, and would like a signed copy.  Signed by me.  Not by the uber talented Jenny Lawson I am afraid, then just let me have your postal address.

I have one-previously-read book that I will send on to you – I think this is the type of book you should share with anyone who needs a lie down a giggle.

What would be really cool is if you could read the book, you comment on it on your blog, you sign the book, then you pass the book on to the next person.

How does that sound?  It’s like a game of play-it-forward-fuckness in all its beauty.

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The only downside is Jenny will not be getting royalties as there is only one book doing the rounds.  But I am sure she will understand, or not.

If you have not fully experience the totally fucken hilarity that is Jenny Lawson, then this will be a good day for you.

Want the book?  Leave me your postal address — please only in South Africa.  I only have one book, so this is not an Oprah give away where everyone finds something under their seat.

Happy reading, and laughing, and all kinds of warm happiness.

Rush Home Road by Lori Lansens …

Another book that has been lying in my book shelf for ages, collecting dust and I have been meaning to read.

Book Title:  Rush Home Road

Author:  Lori Lansens

What’s the book about?  Addy Shadd is a seventy year old woman who lives in a trailer park (out of choice) and circumstances conspire that she is put in the position to take care of Sharla Cody who is a five-year old little girl living in a nearby trailer, with a somewhat unavailable mother.

The story is about how Addy and Sharla change each other’s lives, and as the book progresses, the story of Addy’s life unfolds.  There is nothing jarring or frantic in this book – though the characters and experiences are told with empathy and a real sense of “it was like I was there” quality – the story flows easily and you get carried along on its current.

The jacket describes the book as “Rush Home Road, the story of a seventy-year old woman’s journey through the unbearable sorrows of her past, in order to save an abandoned little girl, is a first novel of exquisite power, honesty, and conviction.  Its portrait of how much has changed, and how little, over nearly a century, in the realms of race, love, hate and loss, is nearly without flaws.”

Who told you about the book?  No one, it is one of those where the cover had some sort of appeal, but I was not sure what or why.

What resonated with you about the book?  The book is not a story with a beginning, middle and an end.  You feel you have stumbled into the lives of Addy and Sharla, and you get to walk a bit with them on this road they are on.

Time needed to read? 387 pages, 1 1/2 line spacing, not a huge commitment, probably took 3 – 4 days of reading a bit before bed each night.

Where did you purchase the book?  Books Galore, which is a discounted book store at Plattekloof Shopping Centre.

Would you save this book, pass it along to a charity store, or pass it along to a fellow avid reader?  My initial feeling was to toss it, but there is something haunting about this book.  I have it lying next to me right now, and I keep glancing at it, and the story does sit with you for a long time.  I would probably pass it along to someone – probably my mom.

Rating out of a possible 5:  3 1/2 – not a must read, but a “quite a good read.”

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Street Kid by Judy Westwater …. just read

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One of those books that have been lying in my book shelf for about three years, and I have been meaning to read it but never quite got there.  Now that I have finished Game of Throne {I cannot wait for the next installment}, and have been committed to that series since October 202.

I really did need to read something else and my eye stumbled on this book I had borrowed from a friend ages ago and just have not got to yet.

Book Title:  Street Kid – One Child’s Desperate Fight for Survival

Author:  Judy Westwater

So what’s the book about?  A child has parents who can only be described as dysfunctional on the best of days and the parents go through a divorce.  The psychotic spiritualist father {who is the perfect candidate for a bit of mob justice} takes his youngest daughter, more as a means to spite his wife than his overriding urge to be a good/even mediocre father and decides to raise her.

He is a horrendous father.  His new wife/girlfriend is abusive and hates the little girl on sight.  The “new mom” treats the little girl a bit worse than you would treat a dog with mange – and Judy spends much of her childhood locked outside in the backyard, which may not be bad if you lived in sunny South Africa, but in rather cold and grim UK it becomes an exercise in survival just to make it through a day in the backyard and survive to be let in at night.

The book is a true story based on the author’s experience.

It is obviously a fairly grim story, with very little in the way of characters to redeem it or make it likable   I was constantly amazed by this little girl’s ability to survive and to overcome.  It did remind me a bit of Dave Pelzer’s story, titled “The Lost Boy”  which I read back in 2000.

It did make me think of the incidents of abuse and neglect that must be happening within 100 meters of us every day, and not necessarily in some isolated informal out of the way place.

Who told you about the book?  No one, I had actually never heard of the book, and have not seen a review on it either.

What resonated with you about the book?  I kept comparing her age to my children, and being amazed by her ability to adapt and survive.  I think she shows that the human spirit is so resilient, and the power to overcome is often more powerful than the urge to crawl into a corner and give up.

Overall Impression?  I was not swept away by the book.  I found something about the tone, and the way it was written a bit rushed.  I did not get into the real feeling of Judy.  It did feel like I was looking at this as a third party and the details were being glissed over with very little emotion, but maybe that was the way the story was meant to be – a chronicle of her journey, rather than an in depth expose on how she coped.

Time needed to read?  A fairly thin book, so I got through this in one day over the weekend.

Where did you purchase or obtain the book? Lent to me by a friend.

Would you save this book, pass it along to a charity store, or pass it along to a fellow avid reader?  I would probably add it to the charity store pile, but in reality I need to return it to Joyce who lent me the book about three years ago.  It is not a bad book, but it is not something I would remember in 6 months time, or recommend to someone if they asked me for my top three books in the last year.  It’s sort of okay …. yes a rather lukewarm review I am afraid.

Rating out of 5 stars : * * *

Game of Thrones …. slight obsession ….

I had a few Exclusive Books vouchers from my last birthday.  Kennith also found a voucher that was so old, it was almost worth more keeping and framing.

Even though I am charging my Kindle and wiping the dust off the screen and I have great ambitions to use it  - primarily so that Kennith does not get more upset about buying me digital things that I just never seem to use – I really still feel like I am cheating on my paper-and-ink books when I read a digital book.

Even with the guilt of “I must start using my Kindle more” I trotted off to Exclusive Books and bought some delicious books.

I do love bookstores – I could while away a day there quite happily.

I saw Series One and Series Two of Game of Thrones on DSTV, and was hooked — like dribbling at the mouth, dilated pupils hooked.

There was nothing I did not like …. well I did not like that it ended and sort of left me hanging with a 1/2 a glass of wine and an unfinished bag of Chuckles.

I usually do not read books if I have seen the on-screen version.  I like to be able to picture the character and his/her voice without having the “visual” forced on me by a tv series of a movie.

Game of Thrones has become the exception.

I bought Clash of Kings by George RR Martin (it is the second book in the series, and more or less runs at the same pace as Series 2 of Game of Thrones) –  holy mother mccreadie it is brilliant.

I don’t do books I have seen the series/movies of.

I don’t do books of the genre “fantasy”.

I broke both of those rules.  I opened the book, and it was a bit like the scene from Jumanji where the drums start in the background when they open the game.  Of course it was that do-do-do-doooooo sound track from the Game of Throne series, and I could hear their voices (the wildlings always speak in an irish accent in my head for some reason).

I loved the book.  Love might not be doing it justice.

I will confess that I might not have been able to follow the book without having seen the series on television – there are a lot of characters, they have long names and each chapter jumps to a different character/kingdom.

The books do not always move in chronological order, and sometimes run side by side to an earlier book. If you are not awake and all your brain cells functioning, these books can get a bit confusing.

The book order for George RR Martin’s Game of Thrones book order runs like this:

A Game of Thrones, Book 1

A Clash of Kings, Book 2

A Storm of Swords, Book 3 – Part 1 – Steel and Sow

A Storm of Swords, Book 3 – Part 2 – Blood and Gold

A Feast for Crows, Book 4

A Dance with Dragons – Part 1 – Dreams and Dust, Book 5 

A Dance with Dragons – Part 2 – After the Feast, Book 5

The Winds of Winter, Book 6 – Not released yet

A Dream of Spring, Book 7 - Not released yet

There are a shit load of character and no one is named Bill or Shawn.  They are all Cersei Baratheon, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, is the wife of King Robert Baratheon and after a while the names start to wash over you leaving you a bit dumb, and you stop worrying who individual people are, and get swept away in the story.

I tried to stick to remembering the key characters, and nodding in ignorance when I read anyone who was not the 10 or 20 I had committed to memory.

I picked up Clash of Kings which is pretty much Season 2 – it was brilliant.  I could barely contain myself and I scampered off  to purchase the next book in the series.

I keep thinking, well these books are thick lumbering fantasy epics – I am sure I will get bored …. it has not happened yet.

I am busy reading A Dance with Dragons – Part 1 – Dreams and Dust, Book 5 at the moment, and it is totally engrossing.

The thing that carries me through the last few weeks of hectic work, and the running around is that at the end of it all, once all is said and done, and I have a shower and brush my teeth, I have Game of Thrones waiting for me even if it is for 15 minutes or two hours – however long I can stay awake.

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Like Game of Thrones?

I am a bit of “take it or leave it” television sort of gal.  There is little on television – I only refer to DSTV as television, anything less than that is a bit of a sad state of affairs.

My two favourite series are without a doubt the BBC Sherlock, I cannot get enough of the series, which is a tricky as there is a bit of a limited supply.

The other is Game of Thrones.

Oh my giddy aunt I adore like verging into obsessed about the show.  The characters, the story – my favourite character is Tyrion Lannister – generally described as the clever dwarf!  After I was retrenched I lay on the couch for a month and watched Series 1 and 2 of Game of Thrones and loved every moment.

Recently I stumbled across A Clash of Kings by George RR Martin.  I picked it up at Exclusive Books, sort of got the gist that it was The Game of Thrones author and took it along to the cash register.

Anyway it turns out it is the second season of Game of Thrones.

I am loving the book – it is written EXACTLY like the show, granted I am only a few dozen pages in.  But it is gorgeous.  If you liked Game of Thrones at all, grab the book.  Divine.

Jodi Picoult made me cry snot bubbles ….

I used to be in a book club.

The book club members tended to dash into Exclusive Books/Wordsworth at 4pm on the day of the book club meet, with the result that we often ended up with Douglas Kennedy and Jodi Picoult books – what ever was popular and available, and recommended by the person at the help desk of Exclusive Books/Wordsworth.

I felt peer pressure and even bought a Jodi Picoult book – My Sister’s Keeper – for the book club to read.

I never read it.  I had read three Jodi Picoult’s and sensed a trend/writing formula, and unfortunately was able to easily gauge the story by chapter 3 in each case.  This made the stories interesting in concept, but highly forgettable in execution.

The result was that I built up a fair loathing for Jodi Picoult and her work.  I cannot argue that she has many fans and I am in no way saying she is not a great wordsmith, but her books have zero appeal to me.

On Friday I was doing some work, and flicked the television on – I saw My Sister’s Keeper was the movie and it was starting.

I thought, well that is fine I have work to do, so I will leave it playing in the background.  You know, glance up at it from time to time.

Great plan – again, great in idea, not so much in the execution.

To say I cried would not be doing it justice.  I did ugly-mouth-agape-in-gulping-crying whilst large pools of tears ran down my face.  I stopped working and just sat there engrossed and wiping snot up my shirt sleeve.

My water-resistant mascara and eyeliner proved once again it was water-resistant and not water proof.  I did panda-bear eyes.

I missed the end as I had to dash to a meeting, but I cried for about 45 minutes after I had turned the movie off.

Today I flicked the television on, and caught the last 20 minutes of it.

I had snot bubbles coming out of my nose within minutes.  I think the last time I cried so hard was when I lost a tampon and knew the only way to retrieve it was to visit my GP.  Who was a male!

It really was an epic cry!   It was a totally get caught up in this family sort of movie.  I cried for all of them, I cried all the time.

How do people cope when a child of theirs is dying, and they are powerless to change it?

I say a quiet prayer in hope that I will never be faced with this experience.  I have no idea where parents (and siblings) find the strength.

PS:  Jodi Picoult if you had anything to do with this screen play or the writing of this movie, I apologise for thinking your books were crap.  I seriously misjudged you.

I love books, and have just discovered the Library!

I prefer to buy my own books.  I browse bookstores for hours, I can hang around kalahari.net like a troll for hours and choose books.  I love reading almost as much as I love finding and purchasing books.

Having a birthday or other festival and hoping for a gift – expect a book if I have anything to do with it??

I have tried libraries. I have found, in the past, that libraries do not like me.  I can read a book in a day, but the moment you apply pressure to me that I must read a book by a particular date/time then it is like the kiss of death.  Then I develop reader’s block and I miss the 2 week deadline, and next thing I am receiving window envelopes from the library reminding me of the cost of replacing the clutch of books I have been holding for 4 months and change.

I have been “expelled” from too many libraries to count, and that is fine as I love buying books, so have just had to rethink grocery shopping to allow the bulk of the money for bread and snacks to go towards books. Easy enough.  So now I buy books, and then I buy groceries with the money that is left.

Sorry kids, no horse riding lessons or braces this year, Mommy needs to buy books.

I went along to Bellville Library and was AMAZED by how large and well stocked the library was.  I stood on the blue industrial carpet and clapped and squeaked like a demented seal amazed.

The real prize for me, was that they have Audio Books. I love Audio Books, and if you have ever tried to buy any you will realise it is cheaper just to pay someone R60.00 an hour to read the book to you, slowly!

Audio book are ridiculously expensive.  And Bellville library have a ton of them.  I joined the library and was so proud when they handed my little laminated card over to me. It was like keys to the chocolate factory.

I have been wanting to read “Company of Liars” by Karen Maitland - it is a real block of a book and every time I pick it up for some reason I just cannot get started on it.

It is set around the 1348 Plague in England.  Excellent book, but a reading commitment.  But no more – I picked up the Audio Book – 16 CD set of unabridged version, and I have been listening to it in the car for the last two weeks.  Brilliant, brilliant – well read, enthralling story, and I get to listen to this instead of listening to the radio.

And the “hidden benefit” is that the kids go quiet when they get in car so they can listen to it — no screaming, no fighting, we all sit in silence listening to an audio book.  It has made me look at collecting the kids from school with an entirely new enthusiasm, and especially if you add the fact that I run the car heater on MAXIMUM.

Warm car + a person reading you a book.  Heaven freaking heaven!!  With my library card, I get to take out books, audio books, movies and CDs – I am so delighted with this find.  Well done City of Cape Town for a rocking Library system.

{above image with actual book title “When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth?” by David Feldman ……. I am so hooked, so expect me to drop pearls of wisdom quite soon}

Little Face ….

I have read two books from Sophie Hannah and they were brilliant.  She writes brilliantly, and the best thing about her books is that “I don’t see it coming.”

I have been wanting to read “Little Face by Sophie Hannah” for some how never seem to see the book at a bookstore.  I saw a copy yesterday at my local “cheap and cheerful” bookstore and grabbed it. Cost R59.50.

Started reading it yesterday, and to say it was briliant would be a key understatement.

The short of it {no spoil alert needed} is a first time mom, Alice, gives birth to her baby following a complicated labour, and an emergency caesarian section.

Within the first two weeks of Alice being home with her new daughter Florence, she walks in to the nursery and a nightmare presents itself.

The baby lying in the cot is not Florence.  It is not the daughter Alice delivered. Alice is trying to convince her husband, her mother in law, and the police that her baby is missing, this usurper is not her Florence.

Cheese and vegetables, this is a great book.  I am not going to give anything away, except that this is a chilling, fast paced book.

Before you know it you are swept up in this gripping story.  The characters are a bit two dimensional, and I did feel the “police backstory” took away from the main story – and the characters were a bit extreme to be realisic, but this withstanding, it is still a great read.

Short’ish book – 357 pages, so you can kick it in a day or two and once you throw yourself in to it, you will tend to stop eating. drinking, using the shower until you have finished this book.

I dropped the kids off this morning, and had the book in my bag.  I had the last 27 pages to read, and I parked outside of Isabelle’s school after I dropped her off, and sat in my car absolutely soaking up this book.

Yike a doodle, it is a good one.

We need to talk about Kevin …

I read this book several years ago in book club.

Actually it was me who brought the book to bookclub.  I liked the book jacket, and I liked the blurb.

What I did not like was that it was written in first person and in a diary entry format.   And once I flipped through the book, I was reluctant to read it.

The result was it lay in book club, and no one touched it.  Finally I picked it up – like an unloved child – took it home with the other 4 or 5 books, and thought: “I might get to it if I have a gap ….”

I read the book …once I had got past the first few pages, and the character of Eva, the mom started to unfold, I was gripped.  She was the quintessential ”reluctant” mother, and strangely I started to see certain aspects of me in her, which made the story feel more familiar.

The story strongly debates the age-old argument of nature versus nurture.

Did Eva’s lack of affection for her son shape him into the sociopath he was to become – or was his fate predetermined from birth?  Could she have “saved” him by being a better mother?  And what makes a mother, better, if you just don’t have the maternal gene?

The book looks back on Kevin’s life, his mother, Eva describes her coldness toward her son and his strange behaviours, in gripping detail.

The book does not open with a sucker punch, but slowly starts to unfold.  The entire time you are not quite sure what to make of the characters – so you reserve judgement, or at least try to.

Eva starts to question if her son is normal.  She sees and experiences him and something in her starts to question him.  Her son is alert and intelligent, and even as a toddler soon starts to get the upper hand in the relationship.

She is a first time mom, and totally out of her depth, so she is not sure if she is making assumptions because she is inexperienced, or because there is really something just a bit off about Kevin.

The book was TRULY brilliant.  Even years on, it is still one of the most powerful and thought-provoking books I have ever read.  It was a story that really sat with me, long after I had handed the book back to bookclub.

No matter how many books I read, and I do read several, this one still tips the scales as being the story that just sits with me.

I am not suggesting it is an enjoyable read.  It is very unsettling, but the characters feel real and the author shapes this family so well, that you can’t help finding yourself lost in the fiction.  .

I heard there is a movie coming out soon-soon, which I believe is brilliant, so very keen on going to see that.

If you are going to see the movie, try to read the book before you buy popcorn and a move ticket …..

We Need to Talk About Kevin

A Novel by Lionel Shriver

2003 / 400 Pages

Alice in Wonderland …

I finished reading the original Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.

I have not researched Lewis Carroll, and do not know his lot in life, but I can only assume that Lewis was not your normal run of the mill lad in the late 19th century.

I think even by today’s standards if he came out with this little gem, people might have tapped the glass on the side of his medicated syringe, and said soothing things like “It will be alright Lewis … just have a little sleep…” and then given him a large shot of anti-psychotic straight into his neck.

The most memorable part for me – and no doubt if I read it again, I would find another nugget to take with me – Alice meeting the Duchess.

The Duchess’s baby sneezes constantly and the reaction of the Duchess.  One can only conclude he has probably suffered quite a bit at the Duchess’s hands. Taking pity on him, Alice spirits him away, only to find that he has transformed into a pig.

It is never explained why this happens, but Alice looks on the bright side, concluding that while the baby wasn’t a very attractive baby, it makes for a good-looking pig.

I enjoyed the story.  I do not think it is something I would read to a child and then try to explain it.  I may well end up trying to explain this one for longer than the actual story progresses.

Makes me feel that maybe I am a bit more sane than Lewis, which is great if you are in people-who-are-nuttier-than-you mode.

I do love the Tim Burton movie – probably one of my favourite movies.  I adored Johnny Depp as the MadHatter in it and the divine Helena Bonham was fantastic as the Queen.  But it is one of those things you watch, and just try not to wrap your mind around too tightly.  Because then your head starts to hurt.

I probably liked the representation of the Cheshire Cat the least in Tim Burton’s movie – it was probably because for me he is such a strong character in the story, but I did not like the way he was represented/rendered in the movie.

The Cheshire Cat has so many great lines throughout the book (and the movie), one of the ones I like the most are:  “Every adventure requires a first step. Trite, but true, even here.”

I saw this cartoon by the brilliant SeeMikeDraw and thought it was a suitable alternate outcome to the trials and tribulations of young Alice …

Acknowledge image source: http://seemikedraw.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/i-found-a-strange-bottle-labelled-drink-me-so-i-drank-it-when-i-awoke-id-drawn-this-cartoon/

Princess and the Penis ….. real book title …. honest

I like books, I really do.

Sometimes I read the odd book that is out of my genre of choice.

I love Alison Weir, Agatha Christie and Bill Bryson. I adore books about Sherlock Holmes and anything that deals with British Monarchy.  Right now I am reading a British Monarchy history dealing with the “War of the Roses” and also a Sherlock Holmes book.

Kennith suggests reading British Monarchy History it is like watching ENews, but with Lindsay Lohan as the Village Tramp and Paris Hilton as Queen Anne …. I don’t disagree.

But I find history books quite enthralling, and I do understand why other people fog over when I tell them about the plot, so I tend not to blab about my books too much …. any more.

<I also like movies set in World War II for some reason … and I “enjoy” reading books that have the holocaust as a backdrop ….>

I once even read a Chelsea Handler book, so I do think I am pretty open-minded regarding books and ones I pick up and “try” even though some times good sense should intervene.

I draw the line at Jody Picoult (hate, really I do) and Sidney Sheldon (hate it more, probably the seventy-seven paragraphs rambling about the scenery) and my personal cringe is Danielle Steele.

I am not suggesting you do not read them, please do.  Buy as many of them as you can.  The more you purchase increases my luck of them being sold out, and then I do not have to see them on the shelves.

Possibility of pure joy moment.

Yesterday on Amazon under Kindle e-books I saw “The Princess and the Penis…” its a book, and it costs $0.99.

I went to look at the reviews, as I was not quite sure if I had read the title correctly or this was a case of a really bad typo.

But it appears it is quite an “enjoyable read…” and “fast paced….”

The product description is described as: A beautiful, chaste, and completely naive princess encounters a strange lump in  her mattress. The lump soon morphs into a shape familiar to everyone but her, triggering her curiosity and her father’s greatest fears. He frantically tries to intervene, but having a large phantom phallus in a curious maiden’s bed is never a good combination.

I loved this excerpt from the one reviewer, which really at the end of the day sums up many romance novels:

After reading about 14,952 romance novels, a few things become clear. No matter what the story is about–a duke, a werewolf, a football player, a Carpathian vampire, a steampunky swashbuckler, a baker, a lawyer, a candlestick maker, or even an Orca shapeshifter–the real star of the show is actually…the p*nis. Yes, this is in fact true. It gets tons of attention, pages and pages of highly detailed description, and often saves the day.

So that is it at then end of it all.

Princess Amelia and her lumpy mattress and the relationship she forms with the mattress.

I am not sure if you left me for 100 years with a pen and a sheet of paper, or a keyboard I would have come up with this particular slant on a rather aging-but-classic tale…

Now who amongst us had not woken up before with a lumpy mattress in our back?

I can’t say I feel like a Princess at the time, but there we go, time to shift your thinking…… or get a double bunk.

If you want to download the book on your Kindle, pop down to: http://www.amazon.com/The-Princess-the-Penis-ebook/dp/B005ORR6HE/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1319525373&sr=1-1#_

Hansel and Gretel – child services should have got involved earlier!

A discussion recently reminded me of how much I “enjoy” classic fairy tales.

I really get intrigued by‘traditional fairy tales’ and what we are teaching our kids when we read to them – or just the message that comes through.

I think I enjoy them more as an adult than I did as a child.  They are by far more interesting to me now.

To be honest I really do not think kids hear the stuff we hear in these tales.

We can have hours of conversation about subliminal messages - but really - I am more scared of clowns than I have ever been of wolves.

And clowns never featured in fairy tales.

I listened to fairy tales as a kid, and I can’t say I thought very hard about the troll under the bridge or how the wolf managed to eat the gran in one bite and then how the woodcutter could get her out, it all seemed quite ‘normal’.

The stories seemed to have the ingredients to make them exciting, with the good little girl/boy; the wolf who you know is going try and eat someone; the woodcutter, who always appears available to chop someone’s head off with one stroke of his large blade; the evil and mean stepmother; the good looking prince, who is always needing a wife – and happy to setlle for a commmoner.

The sense I get is that  middle century Europe must have been a very dark and foreboding place for “well meaning” adults to come up with these stories as bedtime tales for kids.

No doubt there was always an element of warning in them – to counsel children to remain on the path (Red Riding Hood strayed – but granted she had been sent a long distance by herself, through a dangerous forest.  Where were the protective adults in all of this I wonder?)

I was thinking about Hansel and Gretel.

Hansel and Gretel’s parents left them in the woods twice!

Hansel and Gretel returned home to them – knowing full well the same parents had purposefully abandoned them in the woods with the hope that they would get eaten by wolves or what ever else lives in the forest.

I mean exactly how many times do you have to leave a child nd they get lost before they really learn the lesson, and not come home?

I think the quick lesson here might be - do not go picnicing in a remote area with your parents.

If you have no other options, picnic, but do not fall asleep after lunch under any circumstances.  Kids, write that down!

Possibly this is why I fear camping.

Hansel and Gretel, awake – realize they have fallen for the same “let’s go for a picnic and abandon you “ trick.  Right there one must question about how much Omege 3 and 6 they were getting in their diet.

They stumble off to find the nearest gingerbread/sweetie house and start gnawing away at it.

Of course I wonder if a witch has the power to turn a house into edible confectionary, surely she can conjure up a child as a meal easily enough if she just popped off into the local village.

It does seem very complicated she would use such a ruse like a sweetie house, in the middle of the forest, where few people walk past to lure little kids in.

It just seems odd, and unlikely.

I think she must have had a huge ant problem.

Hansel is captured and the witch tries to fatten him up while using Gretel as a house slave.

I am not sure exactly what the “hidden message” is in this rather dark, yet popular fairy/folk tale.

Possibly it is optimism?

Hansel the little scoundrel, remains optimistic.

Though he has been abandoned twice.

Has been “captured” because he tried to eat a house, and he has been locked in a cage, and his sister is held as a prisoner and a servant –  but somehow our little scallywag manages to “trick” the witch that he is still
a bit skinny (in case you are not familiar with this part, it is because he  holds out a chicken bone when the witch asks him to put out his finger so she can judge if he has fattened up sufficiently for the pot).

This little guy perseveres.

Of course it does paint Gretel as being a total dunce – or at the very least a rather helpless little fraulein.

She managed not to do anything to really help the situation.

We know the old crone was blind – so really it would not take a genius to dig a hole and push her in, or say hit her  in the head with a chair and free her brother.  Agh, maybe it was the Stockholm Effect, or maybe the witch was particular cunning.

Gretel instead stands around rather helplessly while her  brother is in a cage.

But at some point there is a large fire and a witch involved (Gretel’s starring role incidently) – here again it seems to be okay for kids to not knock someone out, but to actually throw them in a fire, is encouraged.

No calling 911 here!!

The kids – who are really lost waifs who have been captured by a murdering cannibalistic maniac who lives in an edible house –  then manage to find an inordinate sum of gold (not sure exactly why the witch is living in a remote area of the forest if she has this much gold at her disposal…. but maybe she has a bit of OCD combined with some hoarding issues).

What do our little Hansel and Gretel do with it?

Dude, they head straight home to the parents who LEFT THEM ALONE IN THE WOODS ON PURPOSE twice.

Of course the question is, if they  could find their way home then, how come they did not do it after the picnic – when they were lost the second time and had probably walked to the spot in the woods?  How long does one walk to a picnic spot before getting suspicious that your parents are going to leave you behind?

If I left my kids in the woods even by accident – even once – there would be nothing I could say to get them to go to the woods again.  Suggesting ANOTHER picnic, would really not fly with my lot.

I have no idea how Hansel and Gretel’s parents got them to go for the second time.

When the two finally get home they find out that the father was  so “heart wrenched” since he “purposefully lost them the second time” that he  has now abandoned the horrible step mother.

Fabulous – might have been good had he done that before he “agreed to lose” his kids for the second time.
Instead of agreeing to it.

But these kids are clearly forgiving.

Which really paints the father as a workless, pennyless, good-for-nothing dad, who is willing to abandon his kids for any woman who comes along, and who at the same time does not appear to make good judgments of women if he married a step mother who wanted to kill/abadon his kids.

Granted he does suffer some remorse.

But what really happened to that stepmother?

I think if the dad could “lose his kids at a picnic” there is a good chance that some “cadaver sniffing” dogs might find a few locations of interest around that log cabin.

I just think that from the beginning child services should have been involved after the first picnic.

These kids really need to be in some sort of therapy for their abandonment issues.

CSI needs to be called to check out the rest of witch’s cottage.  Clearly Hansel and Gretel weren’t her first crime, she seemed to have a taste for it, and it seemed well orchestrated.  Who has a cage in their kitchen, big enough for a child?

The only lesson I can pull out of this story is “stay optimistic even when Ted Bundy locks you up” and “if you ever get a pot of gold  run straight home to your parents and share it with them, no matter how shockingly they have treated you…”

That’s all I have out of this story.  Not sure if there is another moral there that is wasted on me?

Go the fuck to sleep ….

Finally a book that caters for the mother in me …. initially I thought this was one of those slightly clever photoshop things. 

Someone scanned in the original book in, edited the text a little, and then when it was really funny, saved the file and spammed it around a bit.

Lots of guffawing when you open the attachment, but we all know no one is actually going to say this out loud, let alone write it down, and find a publisher to publish it.

I mean really, where is the decency?

Being the sceptic that I am, I used the fine and not-undying art of google to look around and see where this came from.  True as nuts, there is the book and if you want the original you can pop along and purchase it at: http://gotheftosleep.com/

I have never heard of Adam Mansbach, but I can say that this book has peaked my interest in him and I might be looking a little closer at Adam from this point forward.

I see that Kalahari has this book available http://www.kalahari.net/books/Go-the-Fuck-to-Sleep/632/41300290.aspx June 2011, so I have added that on my wishlist, and pretty much anyone who is pregnant of having a babyshower in the next few months will be getting one of these books as a present.

Anyway, this file is doing the rounds, and in case you have not seen it here, are a few pages for you – how brilliant is this book?

The illustrations are so divine, and this is such a cool cool book for your mommy-and-baby collection ….

<for the record, five people saw this and sent it to me saying “when I saw this I immediately thought of you….”)

The Slap ……

I completed a really interesting book last night – The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas.

I got it from bookclub, and that was of course just after the slight sniffing and the rather judgmental statement of “it is never right to slap a child….”  That being said, I was first to grab this little beauty off the “new book” pile.

The basic premise of the book is this: an obnoxious four year old child does something faintly threatening at a family barbecue, and the father of the threatened child smacks the child. Everyone is so upset by this that the barbecue breaks up in a hurry, and within a day, the parents of the slapped child have the slapper arrested.  (there is no need for a spoil alert, as this is plastered on the book jacket as well)

On reading the jacket blurb your mind will immediately start thinking about how this person slapped this child, and what if it was your child, and then your cheeks will get red in anger. 

However then your mind will backtrack to the last time you were at the Spur, and you can think of at least three children (neither of them yours, or maybe one of them was) who you would have felt quite justified for standing up and slapping.

Actually it might even be fair to say you would get back into your car now, drive to the Spur and slap that child right now.

Each chapter of the book is written from a different person’s perspective.  Initially I thought it might be about how they each saw the event, but it is about how the event (the slap at the braai) effected these individuals in their lives after the event.  (pre-slap vs post-slap)

The really great thing about The Slap is that it cannot be neatly summarised. The book is about exploring the inner lives of these eight characters, four women and four men, ranging in age from 18 to 70. And each of these characters is a sharp observer of those around him or her, so many more lives are illuminated as well from a different characters perspective.

The book is not written from the standard American angle, of event, middle with lots of action and then closing where the good guy is vindicated.

The novel’s forward energy is unexpectedly overwhelming, you literally get sucked into the rather messy lives of these people, who at first glance seemed normal and ordinary.

You get to peek behind the facades and see how they are trying to keep their lives together while the sh&t is literally raining down on them.

No one is evil, no one deserves to be hit, or even judged negatively (but the reality is that we do judge, we might do it internally but we do judge).

Everyone means well, and everyone is doing the best he or she can; but then again, everyone is awfully angry, and everyone is just getting through thier days the best way they can.

I really enjoyed this book – it is not light and fluffy, but at the same time it is not a heavy brain drain either.  The characters and the flow is fast and furious  - I flew through this book, because I could not get enough of these people.

Excellent book!  (I dare you to judge the situation at the outset, like I did, and then review your judgment at the end, and realise that you have probably travelled a long road of understanding with these characters.)

Do I think it is right to slap a stranger’s child?  No.

Do I think that many parents do not adequately parent their children? Yes.

Do I think that many children become problems because they were not parented well, and did not learn the value of consequences? Yes.

Do I think Joan River’s show about her commenting on fashion on E Entertainment is hysterically funny?  Yes.

Is it correct to assume the last question has absolutely no relevance to the book? Yes.

The Book Thief – Markus Zusak

The blurb on the book reads:  “1939: Nazi Germany.  The country is holding its breath.  Death has never been busier.”

I think this book had tried to be introduced to my book club several times, and it kept getting bounced.

I personally wasn’t really putting my weight behind it to get it into book club either.  There was just something about the book that put me off reading it.  It might have been the fanfare regarding it – so many reviews had said it was a brilliant book and and and .. I started to feel pressure that this book was all hype and wow, but what if I read it and I did not like it.

The Life of Pi is my Achilles’ heel – that book strikes the fear of reading in to me.  I totally freeze when ever I pick it up and can’t get past chapter three.  The thing does not make sense, so I live in fear that there are more books out there that I might be too mentally slow to understand.

Rest assured, this is not one of those.  I took this book along with me when we did the Whale Trail earlier this year and I flew through this book in just over a day – it was gripping and brilliant.  At a certain point, I put it down as I did not want to it end.

The basic story is that Liesel, a nine year old girl is living with a foster family in Himmel Street.  It is in the midst of Nazi Germany.  You are either a Nazi supporter or find yourself off on a fully-paid holiday camp in Poland.

You get the sense that Liesel’s parents ticked the wrong block when being asked if they were communists and sadly disappeared from the story before even making an appearance.  So she ends up with the Hans and Rosa Hubermann – who seem to be Germans, but not quite Nazis.

Liesel is in this small town, pretty much everyone is dirt poor.  She is thrust into this family who are a bit strange but clearly love her, and express it in a variety of ways.

Liezel loves books and is not above a little stealing to get them.  It is one of those stories where what happens is not as important as how it makes you feel when it is happening.  The characters and how they react to an incident is what knits this story together.

I cried like a five year old when this book was finished, not only because it is so heart-wrenchingly sad, but because the characters and their emotions are so honest.  The story is so bitterly sweet it will stay with you long after you have closed this book and wiped your nose on your sleeve.

The magic of this story is quite simply the power of words to change people’s lives.  It is packed with grueling episodes of human cruelty and kindness, and the story is simple and will stay with you long after the tears have dried.

I really enjoyed this one.

The Well and the Mine – a novel by Gin Phillips

My book clubs is a conservative lot and when the opening line on the blurb for this book read “Carbon Hill, 1931: in a small Alabama coal-mining town, nine-year-old Tess Moore watches from the darkness of her back porch as a strange woman lifts the cover off the family well and tosses a baby in without a word.”

Right there it was decided that babies down wells do not make good reading for moms and moms to be, so the book got relegated to the pile not deemed suitable for selection.  Fortunately my friend Alice who was hosting is made of hardier stuff, and decided to veto the “communal” vote and purchased the book, which I quickly snatched up – good on you Alice.

I tend to run scared when I see a book has won an award or a prize (this one is the winner of the Barnes and Noble Discovery Prize).  I always think it’s going to be all pomp and flowery prose and far beyond my rather limited intellect,  but this book was brilliant and the characters quickly crept under my skin.

The Moore family, though very poor, grows food on their plot of land, so this saves them from the crippling poverty and near-starvation that besets their neighbours.

There is a strong current of community that serves this town.  The mines swallowing able men before light, spewing them back in the dark, coal-stained, to spend a few precious hours with their families.  In a home built on strong values, Leta and Albert Moore treasure their children.

This is a family nurtured on respect and hard work, the children basking in their parent’s solicitude and moral direction. It is this moral sense that confounds young Tess as she grapples with an unidentified woman’s motivation in tossing her child into the back porch well.

The book uses all five of the family’s members to unravel the tale in a mix of voices, each presenting their own take on events as viewed from their particular perspective, either recounting events, providing back-story or even, in the case of the youngest member, Jack, providing a retrospective view from his present day adulthood, highlighting just how so not very long ago those times really were.

Despite the shock of its opening and the dark theme which that promises, this book is, in reality, an absolute delight.  It shows how even in the darkest times, there is the hope of human decency, understanding and, above all, compassion for one’s fellow human beings.

Well recommended.

(I must confess to borrowing a few lines and turn of phrases from other reviewers when I wrote the review for this book – I felt they captured what I was grappling with much more eloquently than I could.)

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