The one benefit of knowing that Kennith has known me for nearly two decades, is that he knows what he is getting in to. He really cannot throw his hands in the air, and deny that he knew what he was getting once all the circus make-up is wiped off and I have freed myself from the corseted dress.
He knows me with an acuteness that I can honestly say no one else does, or probably ever will. He knows what makes me tick, he knows that makes me smile and he knows what makes me cry. He sees into my soul.
I really do not have to try and market myself or sell myself as something I am not – he knows me too well to be fooled by a lick of mascara and a boob job.
I know Kennith and have no delusions about what life will be like post-17 July 2010.
We literally know each other’s warts, skin tacks, spiky unshaved legs and sometimes-we-forget-to-flush-the-toilet and wet towels being left on the bed – by now we know it all, but we still have decided that right now there is no other place we would rather be.
After the 17 July, we may have some gifts, we will definitely have some great photographs, but we will still be the same people we are now – that will not have changed.
The reason I am jotting this down today, is that today/right now I am feeling at a very low place.
It may be all the stress of planning the wedding, dreading the day on a certain level. It might be the stress at work, it might be my ambivalence about getting married and what this will actually mean as we forge our road ahead. It might be the after shock of the pre-nup and that process and all it conjured up in my head.
I am not sure. My head is literally screaming with a dozen voices and I feel exhausted and want to just seek the darkness and the quiet of my duvet, and let it all just drift away.
The “big” issue we have – well it is big to me – I am sure for Kennith he may have other issues that are equally big – is the issue regarding a fourth child and/or looking at adoption.
I always take cognizance that this is my blog. I get to say things from my point of view, and express reality in my voice and from my perspective. I never deem to speak on behalf of Kennith – I sometimes say what I think he thinks, but it really is from my perspective. His real thoughts and his real motivations are left to him to put out there if he wants.
So that being said ….I am not sure if three children is enough for me – Kennith was pretty set that two children was enough for him. He feels he went along with a third child more for me wanting a third child than him wanting a third child. I had covered this issue under an earlier post, so I will not go into this again on this one.
In terms of considering a potential of a potential fourth child, I also felt that I really did not want to go through another pregnancy.
They were great, they had their moment, and I would recommend them to others who are keen to explore this alien-possession experience. But I do not feel my body will make it through another pregnancy unscathed. I am too old and too exhausted to survive another pregnancy – the last one was a strain of diabolic proportion, with too many “I think I am dying” moments.
I digress … back to my point … I feel strongly that I need/want/have to adopt a child – I can’t explain it in rational terms. I will post a better explanation another day when maybe I am feeling a bit more composed and slightly more in control – today, not that day so much.
This urge in me is stronger (sorry I realized I sound like Luke Skywalker there) than the urge to pee or eat. I think the “want to adopt” has always been there, in the back of my mind, and something happened – I don’t know what – that triggered this urge into over drive.
I discussed the idea with Kennith several months ago – by then it had already been feeding and growing in my mind.
Kennith initially thought the idea had merit. He was not wild about it, but he was willing to let the idea be bounced around a bit – as just an idea.
I am sure he could sense I was “super keen” and probably did not want to come out and sound like the bad papa bear and say “no” straight out. He probably figured we would talk about it, idea would maybe run out of steam and we would go out for dinner and that would be the end of it.
Unfortunately for me the “idea” became a burning passion and took on a life of it’s own – taking over my life in certain areas.
I spoke to several wonderful people who were either adopting, or had adopted a child, contacted agencies and social workers, and was well on my way in throwing myself into this process. I was just running with all guns blazing!!
The problem (for me) is that Kennith has had more time to think about it, and he feels now is certain beyond any doubt that he does not want a fourth child. Whether it be from his loins or through the adoption process. He feels our life is chaotic enough, and the stress of another child might be more than we can manage, and more than I can manage, knowing how I already struggle … some days.
He has never led me along a false road of delusions and allusions.
He has always been very clear on his thoughts on the matter. I however have chosen to hear only the “hope”, and have literally put my hands over my ears when ever I have sensed there might be a “no” coming.
I realise that this decision has to be made by both of us – we need to be equally invested and committed to adopting a child. It cannot be a project that I take on whether he supports it or not – I realise that (I had been toying with just arriving with a child and going “Can Oscar stay..?” but realised that maybe that might not work out as well as it did in the advert I saw.)
I also realise the implications to our entire family of adopting a fourth child. Kennith is possibly able to look at it’s impact with less emotion and possibly more “future projection” than I am able to – I realise that too.
I can think of twenty seven reasons of what the negatives will be, and such a short list of the positives of taking on a fourth child. It does not make it any easier to accept, it does not make it any less painful to hear and to bear.
So this week, my “hopes” were dashed, and I am crushed to the bone, at the realization of what Kennith’s decision is on the topic of adopting a fourth child – it is an absolute no-you-cannot-put-your-hands-over-your-ears-and-humm-loudly “no!”
I can’t be angry with him as he never lied or lead me along the “garden path” but I can be devastated, and that is probably the only word I can use to describe how I am feeling right now, and of course I am disappointed with him … I can’t say I am all accepting and grace.
As much as I do want to put this post on my blog, I also do not think I can bear the platitudes of “trust in God and he will make it happen” and “if things are meant to be they will be” and so on, I really really can’t right now …
And that is how I am this week … sad and a little bit very shattered …