Epic fail …. there is just so much wrong ….

There is so much wrong with this tattoo, that I think it is hard to really find the right place to start.

After about the third take you realise what it is — and then realise you thought it was something else.

But then you realise “shit that is such a bad tattoo …” and even with your really innocent mind, you still saw it, and now it is burnt into your eyeballs, and then you blink a few times and hope that maybe if you squinted your eyes it will look like an innocent baby finger tenderly grasping it’s mommy’s finger …. but then you realise that it doesn’t.

Holy crapsticks, it is just so very bad, and suddenly those horrendous tramp stamp tattoos don’t look so bad.

Saturday morning adventures …. and mishaps

Saturday mornings with kids are filled with soft lighting, pillow fights, children presented breakfast to their parents as they wake up from a good sleep, everyone happy, shiny and just happy to be alive.

Well that is what the print media or ad campaigns will have us believe <<the image above is in no way an indication of how my family looks when it greets the big bad world in the mornings>>

The reality in my house bears a stark contrast to this rather “fantastic” image I have always held on to.

This morning Kennith left early for a cycle.  I think he was up at about 5 or 6 – it did not really matter as Isabelle had woken up at 3am and thrown up in her bed, so we brought her to ours.  She continued to do a few more hurls.  We then tried to turn the light off curl up and get a few hours more sleep.

Cuddling sleeping children is always a bit wholesome.  Cuddling sleeping children and sleeping deeply do not always go hand in hand.

So not much in the way of sleep between 3 and 5 or 6.  Georgia then woke up and came to get into the bed.  We attempted to lie there and few more minutes.  I put on CBeebies and thought I could squeeze another hour of me lying there and them watching television.

Ah, the fantasies that we all make ourselves believe.

But that fantasy came to a screeching halt when Isabelle threw up all over the bed, her doggie and herself.  Isabelle then screamed hysterically as she wanted to cuddle her dog to make her feel better, but that was tricky as doggy was covered in globules of vomit.

She screamed as a pulled all the bed linen off, and tried to put her doggie in the washing machine.

In the end I had to run a little dog bath in the basin, and hand wash her dog as if it was alive (keeping its head about water, talking to it, soothing it..) all while Isabelle stood next to me crying with snot running onto her top lip.

I thought I would finish it off by cleaning up the dog poo – it appears my dog has a runny tummy …. again!

Nothing says runny tummy and you really are having a crap morning, than the moment that you try to pick up dog shit and it flicks itself up and lands on your upper arm.  Then you start to dry heave. Your child starts to cry because they want you to come and get their doggy off the line as it is hung up by its ears and she wants it now, and then you heave some more as you realise the shit might have flicked in to your hair.

I do love Saturday mornings – thank fk there is only one Saturday a week, I may not be able to deal with more than that.

Everyone needs a friend named Dave ….

I have this friend Dave, I like to think of him as Captain Dave!

You know how in the hero cartoon, the key character always manages to be in the same place as where the bank robbery takes place, or the aliens arrive?  Dave is like that.  Action/fatalities/crime/car accidents attract and attach themselves to Dave, in a measure that I can’t even begin to hint at.

So Dave tells me this story yesterday:

So we drove back from Knysna to Cape Town via Oudtshoorn, and about 40km from Oudtshoorn we came across a miracle, right after it happened. The man you see below was really able to ‘Dodge the bullet.”

The driver was proceeding from George towards Oudtshoorn and a KUDU suddenly sprang from the bush (afterwards we were able to find its tracks and the actual launch spot) and jumped right before the car. It was killed on impact.

<<these images may disturb sensitive viewers, especially if you have an issue with faeces, and kudus inside Toyotas….>>

 

Not only did it hit his car, it smashed the windscreen, tore a section of the roof away and flew right through the car, blowing open the rear hatch.

The driver ducked instinctively as it happened and was able to avoid most of the carnage. He also held tightly onto the steering wheel, suffering only slight injury to his one hand and a whack to the face from the airbag.

When he lifted his head he was on the gravel on the ‘wrong side of the road’ where he was able to stop the car without losing control.

The KUDU went right through the windscreen, leaving an awful mess on the way. The impact blew the hatchback as the KUDU left through the back of the car…

Fortunately there were no other passengers or they would be covered…

The KUDU left some of his lunch in the boot … and also his large colon …..

KUDU escape route ….

 very lucky man, who probably will not look at KUDU biltong again in the same light ….

The morale of this story:

1.  I could drive down a thousand roads, and I would never see this shit, David will always see this sort of thing.

2.  A KUDU is not to be trifled with.

3.  Seat belts do not save your life, it would seem eye-ducking co-ordination is all the rage this season.

4.  If he did not have a hatch back where would that KUDU go?

5.  I liked the idea that this guy was prepared for all emergencies, but the Booster Cable in his boot helped him not at all.

Incredible – he could have glanced away from the road to change the channel, adjust the air-conditioner and it would have been a totally different story.

Epic Fail Chirp —- American Idols

I am watching American Idols.  Girl walks on stage – she is giraffe tall, but absolute stunning.  She is 15 years old.  Clown sized feet, giraffe tall, but spectacularly beautiful.

Conversation goes on, turns out her father played/plays for the Cardinals, and then she goes and gets her dad, her mom, her sisters, her friends, and the entire crowd are standing in the audition area.

She is in the center, belts out her song, lovely voice, she is cool and moves around with confidence that far exceeds her years.

Everyone says “Yes.”

Steve Tyler goes <<or something in this vein>> “It is hot, humid and happening in here, just like your daughter!!”

Screeeeeeecchhhhhhhhhh …. halt moment!

The girl is 15.  It’s her father standing there.  Steve Tyler is everyone’s future ex-husband.

I do like Steven Tyler as much as the next girl,but if I 64 year old man made a rather “come hither” chirp about my 15 year old child and I was proficient with a baseball bat, I may well walk over and smack him against the side of the head.

Total fail chirp.  Well, I thought at any rate.

Epic Fail … Parenting # 3

At least the baby is getting a bath.  Baby is being monitored whilst in the bath - mom can watch every move in the mirror.  She can, I am trying to show that it is not as bad as it seems.

Mom is wearing a hat to keep her modesty in tact.

More importantly, how freaking big is that toilet roll?  I mean seriously what the hell do they get up to in their bathroom? I am feeling a bit toilet roll inadequate after seeing this.

And who knew you could bedazzle a white belt, and still make it look stylish …. who knew?

Epic Fail … Parenting # 2

Not much more you can say regarding this image …..  except I hope she got a great new status update picture for Facebook …. and a newer phone …. and maybe some family planning …. and maybe her son found a friend who has a really nice mom who has him over in the afternoons ….. so mom can do what ever it is that mom is doing by the hour …..

Epic Fail … Parenting # 1

I am not sure why I like Epic Fail images, I just do.

I also like “planking images” so sometimes there really is no rhyme or reason to the stuff that makes me smie or any semblance of taste ……. but I thought I would drop some around here every now and then.

These are images I have seen and phrasing that makes me snort or just grimace ……