So, one of my issues (several) is that I have started slipping further into cyberspace and further out of reality.
I began to dodge real-life things so that I could spend more time on-line in blogs and on forums, and just cruising around the net.
I got really irritated with the kids because if they would just stop demanding time from me I could herd them into their beds, and spend more time on-line in blogs and on forums.
It became extremely important how people in cyberworld viewed me. CRITICALLY IMPORTANT IN FACT.
Their comments lifted me up as well as smacked me down. If I did not get recognition for it in cyberspace then it did not matter.
I would read, re-read, and re-read my comments to ensure that it sounded right in my head. It was not unusual for me to read one of my comments 12 – 18 times before pushing send/reply/publish and often changing it several times over.
Each time I read it, I would read a more critical tone into the wording. I would read the way other people would hear (read) and then I would pre-judge myself (before they did)
Any comment made or given in reply was fraught with angst. I always read the worst in to what anyone said to me or about me, or as a comment to me.
I would push the refresh button constantly on the look out for the response. I literally would hang on waiting and waiting for the response. As much as I dreaded a critical word, I would hang and wait for it.
I would be devastated when my comment would hang there in cyberspace without a reply comment. My worst feeling was being the last person to comment on a thread. I felt like I was Jane-no-mates and had killed the conversation when mine was the last comment.
This of course fed into my sense of “rejection” and “I did not matter to anyone.”
Real life and cyber life started blurring around the edges. I felt that real life was a bit too tricky to remain present in, so the blur of cyberlife became much more appealing and much easier to navigate.
In cyberworld I did not feel as awkward as I did in real life.
In cyberworld I did not feel as self-conscious as I did in real life.
In cyberworld I did not fret over my every word and action as I did in real life.
In cyberworld I did not feel so unpopular and such a misfit as I did in real life.
I felt I was knowledgeable, liked and respected in cyberlife, while in real life I was everything but.
I did not think people had ulterior motives as I felt they did in real life.
Until I did.
Sooner or later, unfortunately I followed me where ever I was.
Sooner or later, I started to feel as awkward, as self-conscious, as guilt laced, and wracked with self-doubt on blogs and on forums.
Every word uttered by everyone was judged according to what I thought of myself. It was always seen as judgemental/critical and pessimistic, no matter how “jolly” or “supportive” the writer tried to be.
Fortunately I am not a gamer or a gambler. I have no real interest in throwing large sums of hard-earned money at an imaginary world where I buy cyber-cool brands and furnish my cyber-home and purchase a cow.
I am just not that into that side of it. Fortunately.
But I will admit that my fixation on blogs and forums and Facebook and googling-random-things did get totally away with me. It became all-consuming and I totally allowed it to get away from/with me.
It allowed me to hide further away from some of my real issues. At the same time it fed into my irrational feelings and judgement about myself, and escalated the negative light in which I see myself (and several others around me.)
In short, it skewed my perception of reality.
I really missed my blog, so I have cautiously started lurking around here a bit.
I do miss several other blogs and forums that I used to read/follow religiously. Right now I just needs a bit of time to “get my shit together” before I start lurking through other people’s lives.
I apologise if I have not been by to visit. Please do not take it as a personal insult or slight on you. Right now I just need a bit of space to find myself, or at the very least not loath myself.
But onwards and upwards. Right?
<I thought this was quite an interesting tool. http://www.keepmeout.com/en/ >