The next person who ….

The next person who tells me …

to believe and it will be … will seriously get a smack in the face.  With a wet macoroni. I believe it will be “dishes done” – I believe that I it will be “me sleeping until noon undisturbed” … I beleive, it does not MAKE it happen, now bugger off with your khumba-ya-m-lord thinking, it is exceedingly irritating.

to cherish every moment … will be sentenced to fetching my kids from school for a minimum of seven weeks. They can fight over lost juice bottles and who is sitting too close to each other.  If you think that you seriously would like to cherish EVERY freaking moment, do not hesitate to drop me a note and we can work out a pick up and drop off kids schedule.  No worrries. Email now, or forever stop your ridiculous happy bleating.

to just be happy …. will get a rusty spade between the eyes. Fk you and the stupid unicorn you rode in on.  Some times this shit is not happy, and stop making me think everyone is happy — really stop.  Life he is not happy.  Life happens.  You make a plan.  That is the way it is.  Some moments make you smile, some make you cry – you cannot just “be happy” ….

think they are so fkn happy on Facebook and keep giving us sunny updates…. I am so sick of your happy-go-lucky-life-is-super Facebook updates, that I am seriously done.  FB is not actually that much fairy dust, get a life, get a reality check and start status updating that your husband is not as happy as you think/that your child is wetting the bed and they are nine/that your child ran with a limp at the last sports day, or really that you woke up this morning and you were not as sunny as you keep telling us - for goodness sake, do you actually think we believe this amount of “how freaking happy are you” crap?

that good mothers are made …. okay seriously now I am going to ram your head into my venter trailer.  Good mothers are cultivated with great wine and promises of everlasting life, no one, but no one enjoys looking after small children all freaking day long.  It is a fairly repetitive, fairly thankless and actually does not challenge you IQ at all.   Bad mothers are born every day.  We are all crap, and it is about time we started admitting that it was not all wine and roses, but we do what we can with what we have got.  And some days get it right and some days, not so much,

wake up and choose to be happy … will undoubtedly have to swallow 25 of my ante-depressants with two quarts of Captain Morgan, and see if they can call me in the morning.  Now go and be happy somewhere else.

that motherhood is a joy … needs to come the shit over and wipe poo off the side of the toilet seat and argue with a six year old as to why the blue toothpaste is as good as the green one, for the twentieth time this week.  It is not a joy.  It is hard and thankless work.  And it tests you every day as to why you should not run your head through the wall.

I am so sick and tired of these stupid pinterests and facebook status updates that keep telling me how freaking good this deal motherhood.  How good life is.  How happy it all is.

Accept that motherhood is frkn hard.  Accept that some days ramming your head into a wall might be better, or at the very least give you about 8 seconds of silence before the screaming starts again.

It is not all that wonderful, no matter how many happy baby/toddler/couple pictures you post.

Can I please have a shout out from the moms who do it, and think it sucks lemons, but still do it – each and every day – we get through it, and it suck, it sucks rocks, but we get through it, because there is no “do not pass go, do not get collect $200.00″ card …. fkn hell - February is a hard month – or is it just me?

To forum or not, that is the question ….

Just wanted to check – are you ever going to join us back at Moomie, or have you completely closed that chapter in your life? I miss your wit.

I have been asked this question a few times as of late.  I left the last sentence on “ I miss your wit” for no other purpose that to stroke my feathers of vanity.

I am shallow like that.

The reality <and short answer> is “no … I am choosing to opt out of forums … for my own sanity… really”

I do miss Moomie.  It was a great forum for me.  It is run well and most of the girls there are so nice.  They give selflessly of their time and energy.  While I was part of Moomie I often started a conversation in the real world with “We were talking on Moomie about …..” because the forum became part of my life.

There are clusters of people I really liked, almost loved.  There are clusters of people who I would rather reverse over with my car, in the dark, while drinking a McDonalds Caramel Chocolate McFlurry.

The problem with forums, is that it is like standing at a cocktail party.  Yes, you will chat to your own little clique, but you still need to be polite and civil to everyone.  Sometimes you end up in a conversation with someone who really is not lucid or sober.  And who constantly misunderstands you and sort of spits when they talk.

Inevitably you say something you should not have said, and then all hell breaks loose.  Then one starts to argue.  On the Internet.  With people. Of no consequence.  Who you probably would not have spent time with in real life.

My poor judgement caused me to start thinking that a forum was safe and “private” – and that I can speak freely and I was cushioned in a kind of bubble.

I crossed the imaginary line between what is probably good judgement and then just being stupid.

If you put it on a forum, expect it to come back and hit you in the face.  Much like a shit covered spade. Repeatedly.

Without the aid of clever emoticons and smiley faces, people can sometimes take things out of the context they were meant (me included).

I tend to read comments with a “voice” – sometimes a whiny voice, sometimes a screaming voice, sometimes with a Parow accent or a nasal Johannesburg accent – it all depends on the personality which I have attached to the owner.

I associate a personality to each person – and in reality, many of them I have not met.  My perception of them is that they are an entire person, which I have created, in my head.  Based on a few vague conversations, I have created an entire functioning human being – and they in turn think they know me because they know a slither of my life. < the similiarities between forums and blogs are not totally lost on me….>

Kennith says my “social filters” are lacking.   They are, my doctor agrees.

The more nervous I get, the more my ”social filters” fail me.

The more personal I think the space is the more my  “social filters” start to disintegrate.

Add nervousness and alcohol, and the entire process needs some psychiatric care or at the very least a name change and a membership to the nearest witness-relocation-programme.

I learnt that forums aren’t that safe and not really a good idea (for me.)

I learnt that some people are wankers, and you can’t actually change them.  They really need to just let them go off and be wankers, and not waste your energy trying to de-wanker them.

I learnt that I am a bit of a douché-bag and really should spend my energy not being a douché-bag as opposed to try to make other people see my point of view.

I learnt that I do not have the amount of energy that one needs to be able to deal with that many people, that often, in my personal space.

So I have stopped on forums.  I seldom read blogs.  I stop in on Facebook maybe every one or two weeks. Briefly.

Social media did push me that little bit too far over the edge of where I really could safely go.  Forums <my ability to interact on them> were not the cause of my demise but it was a contributor.

I realised that I am not really “able” or “ready” to communicate on a forum and be able to heed the “boundaries” that I should set in place.

Every now and then I see a comment on Facebook from one or two people from the forum-space, and it always makes my blood run cold.  The experience was quite jarring for me, and clearly I am not all “forgive, forget and skip through the daisies…” material.

The best thing, for me, was to remove myself from social media, and right now I tread carefully.

The first two or four weeks left a gaping wound, and I would often hover my mouse over the icon to click-through and go and lurk.

Strange thing happened, people who I really missed realised that they could communicate with me via email, sms or skype, and did not have to wait until I appeared on a forum to say “hi!”  Bless them.  When I felt really lonely and alone, it was a real comfort to have little notes pop up of people who I did miss, who made the effort to stalk me and make contact.

I think I was desperately looking for something there that I needed.  But it was not the space to get it.

Without getting all Freud/Jung on your arse, I really need to look internally to fix my shit, than run around forums and hope someone there can fix me or offer me insights that resonate with me.

I wish Moomie all the best – and really want it to go from strength to strength.  Really.  It is a wonderful forum.  Deja who runs it is so awesome she makes me weep.  She has developed a wonderful place for women to chat and make friends.  Really.

<< As far as forums dealing with moms and for moms, I think Moomie is the best one around.  As for me,  Moomie has had some great spill overs.  I do however still feel an overriding urge to get my car out and reverse it over a few people, but I am in therapy so am working through those thoughts.>>

The fat lady still needs to sing …. SA Blog Awards 2011

It is all over, barring the fat lady and the singing.

SA Blog Awards 2011 Public Voting is over.  Now the cool guys with calculators and an abacus work out the numbers, it goes to …. actually I have no idea where it goes to be verified.

Based on that the top three bloggers in each category are handed over the <mystery> Judging People.  They in turn lurk around and make a decision and award something to the winner of each category.

I really have no idea of how it works.

I must confess that I have some doubts about how the SA Blog Awards are run/managed.

It does always appear to be this last-minute rush, a website that is not updated until about 2 weeks before things get started – which irks me considering the medium it is trying to promote ….

Bloggers do not seem to always know what is going on – or maybe it is just me – the final nail in the coffin of questionable behaviour is that the SA Blog Awards website always has SPELLING ERRORS, which annoy the crap out of me.

I am allowed to make spelling errors, they are not.  That is just the way it is.

I raised the issue of my doubts about how effective the SA Blog Awards appear to be run.  The person suggested that maybe it is not being run as a business for now, so there is no real buy in and “push” for it to function well, so there is no business model.  No profit incentive to make it work.

Maybe.

Anyway, congratulations to all the blogs who are shortlisted, nominated and who win.  Really.  I am sure there will be sour grapes no matter who wins and loses, but there we go.

I would be excited if three guys at a Parow Fish Shop named Jan, Theuns and Willem created an annual blog awards and gave out some props for blogs and bloggers – I would be equally thrilled.  If they threw in a packet of slap chips and a 500ml coke light, it would make me all kinds of happy.

I am easy to please that way.

SA Blog Awards 2011 … er about that ….

The SA Blog Awards is/are upon us.

There will be the usual bitching, moaning, sighing and hair pulling (and that will be just from me) this year.  There will be winners, losers and disgruntled bloggers and followers.  Everyone will have an opinion.

Nominations closed on the 31 October 2011.

I noticed I did not get a nomination badge.

I will not lie. I felt a bit hurt and rejected.  I was quite bleak actually. I tried to appear like it was “no biggie.”

I filled the void by eating a McDonalds Egg-McMuffin-Sausage Breakfast meal.  I was still a bit wounded come the afternoon, so I bought myself two bottles of wine for dinner.

This came on the back of me NOT WINNING my office “best dressed Halloween competition” when I thought I was a shoe-in (is that the right term?)

This evening I was cleaning out my “junk mail box folder” and lo-and-bebold what should I see there? Oh my giddy aunt, a little badge.

I will not lie I squealed.  No I did.  Yes, it is a bit sad.

It made me forget all about Kim Kardashian and her ridiculous 72 day marriage.

I personally am a bit shocked it lasted that long.  Seriously, once you see your large arse in a white bikini with Mrs Humphries on the back, the doubts will creep in.  It must. Mrs Humphries?  I think Koekemoer (tribute to you Anita) might only be worse than Humphries, but only marginally.

Sadly this is the part where all self-respecting bloggers lose all self-control.  All sense of dignity and starts running around like a rabid dog begging-pleading-smiling insanely to get you to click on the nominate/vote button.

I really really wish I could tell you I was above this sort of thing.

I would like to say it with a smug indignant look on my face, like I was above all of this hoopla, but the sad truth is I am not.

Anyway, there it is, click if you can, sigh if you must …. yes I am shameless.

Note from my persecutors:  Members of the public can vote for their favourite blogs by clicking on the vote badge.

The <desperate request for voting from the> public vote phase will continue until 9 November 2011. Upon completion of the public vote phase, the top three blogs in each category will be handed over to a select panel of judges to determine the winners in each category. 

When child services are called ….because of a blog …. no really ….

I may be coming a bit late to this party, I do not read as many blogs as often as I used to, but none the less, I do eventually get there, albeit it a bit later.

I saw this on blogher and of course, it made me a bit nervous, and apprehensive.  I raised a need-an-appointment-for-waxing eyebrow in suspicion, and asked “What is really going on here …?”

I went along to read the original story and unless I am missing something: – a son sold his calculator for Pokemon merchandise, his mom thought okay, that is fine, you do what you must, but you will need to earn the money back to pay for the calculator, which you do need for school – and oh, seeing as you sold your calculator it appears you will not have one for your maths test.

Sorry for you!

You sold/swapped the calculator = You suffer the consequences = Seems like good parenting.

Possibly I am further on the scale towards “free range” parenting, than say “helicopter” parenting.  But I personally have no problem with this concept.  (In truth out of guilt I may have stopped en route to school and bought my son a calculator, but good sense would have told me to allow the lesson to be taught and granted if I bought him a calculator now, what would stop him from swapping his duvet for a cool skate board tomorrow?)

The child in the blog post is eleven.

Eleven you can work out a few things, including you will not have a calculator for a maths test if you swap it for Pokemon merchandise, for instance.

I figure, if you can’t work this out, well then maybe you need to be kept back a grade anyway, whether you pass the maths test sans-calculator or not.

I do think as a parent we struggle to give our children everything, and balance this off against a sense of entitlement (the child’s) and a sense of their place in the world (the child’s) and guilt (ours as parents, which seems to arrive at the same time as the child).

I know far too many children who are catered to, and who have no idea what a consequence is.  They do as they please, and mom and dad, pretty much smile and nod and the child merrily skips through life thinking their sh*t does not stink.

These are loving parents, but for some reason they perceive discipline=hate my child, and they just can’t discipline, or choose not to.

I do think it is wonderful to be a child and be given toys and no restriction on rules and sleep time and all of those wonderful things.

It sounds like Disney Land every day.  Great for kids, maybe not so great for parents, or society.

I sense that by not setting boundaries and a sense of consequence we will affect how our children go through the rough (and trecarious) teenage years and thus develop in to responsible adults.

I may be wrong, but I will update my blog in about 5 – 10 years and let you know how that works out.

I am not sure what the result is of “giving in to everything our children want” being “restrictive about what we give our children” and I am sure for everyone there is a happy medium.

Yours may be very different to mine.

I try my utmost not to judge other parents, as really you have no idea what they are faced with, and how much sleep they have had, but I do roll my eyes.  Inside. Quietly, so they don’t see.

Have I told you the part where we made Connor pay for a second tennis racket we had to buy for him. (We bought the first one, because we are good parents who encourage sport and involvement, but we draw the line at kitting out the same child for the same sport a second time.)

Because he had lost the first one.

And we explained the value of looking after your possessions.

Then I found the tennis racket in a box.  I had put it in to.  After I had cleaned out my car …… yes, CPA anyone?

Breast Cancer Awareness …. awareness is not enough …

So it is October, and it appears to be Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I think that is great – its a relevant subject and more awareness can’t hurt, right?

Okay, so I am aware of Breast Cancer – so now what?  I can join a Facebook group and update my status profile picture, but really what does that do?

The call to action here should be “Get your arse off the couch, and make an appointment and get that frkn mammogram you have been promising to get and never got!  Go now!”

However I find that does not translate well into a tag line or slogan.

I suggest if you are reading this you pick up the phone and give your local hospital a call, ask to speak to the X-Ray Department and make an appointment for a mammogram.

The test takes about 15 – 30 minutes (assuming you have the benefit of private hospital care) and is somewhat uncomfortable, but hardly as uncomfortable as a pap smear.

Medical Aid covers it (again if you have it) but no doubt you can book it at a public hospital as well.

Once done, you get to skip off and know that you have done a bit more than “be aware” you have got your sh&t together and got a test. Or you are aware that there is an “area of concern” that needs some attention.

Either way, at least you are being an active participant with your breasts, your life and your health.

My challenge today is to knock this message through to 5 bloggers, they in turn get tested – and then knock this on to 5 bloggers they know.

If they have been tested in the last two years they pass it on, as awareness (and hopefully get-off-your-arse-motivation to other bloggers, and readers alike!)

It is like a chain-mail but without the benefit of a promise of a large dollar pay-out, or a veiled threat at the end.  It is what it is – get the test, nothing more, nothing less.

You do get a cool x-ray of your boobies that you can look at, which is almost as good.

The 5 Bloggers I nominate to pick up this challenge are (in no particular order):

Sharon at I believe in Miracles

Laura at Harassed Mom.

Natasha at Raising Men.

Margot at Jou Ma se Blerrie Blog.

Wenchy at The Noctural Wenchy.

Questions (you can answer if you feel like it):

When did you have your first mammogram?  November 2010

Does anyone in your family suffer from cancer?  No, not that I know of.  My mom had a sprinkling of cancer on her skin, but it appeared to be related to sun damage.  I do pop down to a dermatologist once a year, and do drag myself kicking and screaming to a pap smear once a year.

Why have you not gone for a mammogram? I initially ignored all warnings, and figured it ‘would never happen to me” then I listened to a radio interview on CapeTalk and the presenter was interviewing a woman who went from ‘having no breast cancer’ to a full mastectomy within 6 weeks, that is how fast her cancer spread – and she was not even 30!  I poo’d in my pants a bit that day and made an appointment, pronto.

What were your mammogram results?  I had an x-ray which was free from any issues, and then I had a sonar scan, just because I wanted one – and then after a little rub and push from a doctor, was told all is fine and I should come back in two years.  Of course you never know if they have missed something, or something might appear within the two year window …. insert paranoid face here …… I know I should be doing self-examination as well …..

How bad is “going for a mammogram” on a scale of 1 to 10?  Probably around a 2, I’d rather do a mammogram exam than go to the dentist or have a pap smear.

When is your next appointment? I will make it for mid-2012, as the doctor suggested I not do it under two years (he might have said five, but I am sticking to two.)

Do you know anyone who has had breast cancer?  No, I don’t think I do. Unless I do, and they have not told me.

What is my point?  Maybe by bloggers talking about breast cancer and going for mammograms we can encourage other bloggers to make an appointment and readers as well ….. just maybe.

Acknowledge source of image  – David Jay Photography – and huge props to : http://www.thescarproject.org/

SA Blog Awards 2011 are upon us …. insert happy face or not ….

Surprisingly I won the Best Parenting Blog in 2010.  No really I did.  NO REALLY!!

I was as surprised as you presently are — trust me.

I could not make it to the Award Evening/Announcement of Winner-and-Losers as I was holidaying in Zanzibar at the time sans children (I love the sound of that.)

Good times.  Relaxed times.

I sent my lovely friends David and Alice to the Awards Evening in my stead.  Bless them.

I won!!  Yay for me.

Alice stumbled up to the stage and collected the little perspex/glass award for me.  She might have used the old but never forgotten speech of: “You like me, you really like me…” which I would have gone with, had I been there.

I did not see images from the night, but I saw this one earlier today, which was great. Olmeca Tecquila was a co-sponsor …..>

The 2011 SA Blog Awards have got started, a tad late, I might add.

But hey, I am not having to organise it, so really I leave it to others who are suitably qualified, and who like the feel of the last minute rush and the chaos that ensues.

There are far fewer categories this year.

Parenting Blog Category has been axed and so too have several others – we could argue the merits of that, but really I don’t want to.  It would be a case of lamenting something I have no control or influence over, and really just getting my big girl panties in a knot.

The present blog categories for the 2011 SA Blog Awards are:-

• Best Business / Political Blog
• Best Entertainment / Lifestyle Blog (I was suspicious as Lifestyle was spelt incorrectly on their website, not a good omen)
• Best Environmental Blog
• Best Fashion Blog
• Best Food & Wine Blog (It annoys me when an ampersand is used, when in other instances the word “and” is used ….. anal much?….. yes I am a bit)
• Best Music Blog
• Best Photographic Blog
• Best Science and Technology Blog
• Best Sport Blog
• Best Travel Blog

So there we go.  It appears I fit into none of these categories, though I may make a play for “Best Wine Blog.”

Drinking copious amounts of wine whilst blogging does not equal a wine blog, it seems.  Which I think is just a technicality and shows a narrow-mindedness very early in the competition.

If you like a blog enough to spare a few clicks, pop along and see if they are there, and then cast a vote.

The public voting phase opens on Monday 31 October 2011 and runs until Wednesday 9 November 2011.

The 2010 SA Blog Awards were a bit controversial.  People moaned, people complained, people beat their chests in anguish and not everyone was happy with most of it.

I found the process a bit odd and really had no idea what was going on most of the time. Clearly I was somewhat pleased with the outcome, as you would expect.

Winning is a bit like that.

There were a lot of bloggers who had some less than complimentary things to say about the way it had been dealt with (nomination + voting + judges decision) and how it had all run.

Lots of bloggers were annoyed and voiced this on blogs, tweets and on Facebook, and basically shot the awards down. It was my first year, so I had no comment as I did not know any better.

I guess this year will be similar, and already there is a bit of a huff about the categories and the fact that right now “quite popular and much in need of a night out with a bit of dress up and the possibility of an award” Mommy-Bloggers are excluded, or not included sufficiently.

Mommy Bloggers are hardly going to be “right” in the Best Entertainment / Lifestyle Blog Category.  And as mentioned the Best Wine Blog Category is not right either.

Mommy Bloggers float in the abyss, or throw their hat in the ring with Entertainers and see how that rolls.

Motherhood often does requires an ability to fake an interest in sex, all things poo and how-much-does-your-baby-weigh related, and you must appear truly excited when you unwrap the macaroni-painted-necklace again ………. so at best we are fantastic thespians … just with a limited stage and not so much in the way of ticket sales.

Hence we might make it into the Entertainment and Lifestyle Category …. and then Mommy Bloggers are being compared to 2oceanvibe - I mean seriously!!!?

Ah well, such is life.

I think it is great to have a Blog Awards.  It’s cool to be ranked with the cool kids. and it is also nice to have a bit of “props” for something you think is pretty phenomenal.

But at the end of the day, you blog because you like the sound of your own voice, and you like to write about your own sh&t, and you get to cyber-meet some really interesting people.

Does an Award make you a better blogger?  Doubt it. Is it always the best blogger who wins? Probably not – it is subjective and probably not always as “fair” as we would like to think.  Does blogging become a bit of a please-for-fk-sake-like-me-and-vote-for-me? Of course.

Granted it is a nice badge to have, and I was super thrilled in 2010.

Good luck to all the bloggers for 2011.

Maybe Living and Loving or Pampers can run a Best Mommy Blogger of the Year Award …. I would so get on board with that sh&t …… just saying.

I’m off to London Baby! No really I am.

Odds are when you read this I will be doing one of the following, or several, or none:

1. Dead in an airplane disaster.
2. Lying at the bottom of the Thames, a victim of random violence and thuggery.
3. Wandering around the London subway system and minding the gap.
4. In a high state of anxiety as I meet “new” people from my company and my client portfolio.
5. Exhausting my credit card at a Hatchards in London.
6. Sitting in my hotel room Tower Hill, congratulating myself on having control of the remote and doing star angel shapes on the hotel bed.
7. Crying on the phone to Kennith, because I miss my bed/Isabelle/lavendar/bottle of Chenin Blanc and I am unable to find a substitute in London for any of them.
8. Trying to mentally work out the exchange rate between rands and pounds and whether I could buy that piece of “totally awesome” at suckuk.
9. Wandering around Walmart for several hours and wondering how I could possibly need so much crap, but convince myself it is a necessity.
10. It’s a work trip, so I will attempt to be professional, and smile, wave and nod at all the right intervals.
11. All else fails I will be dropping my daily allowance at a neighbourhood wine bar.

Work trip was sprung on to me with very short notice.

Then I had to get a visa.

Do you know a UK Visa (for 2 years, multi-entry) cost just short on R4 000.00 – yikes.  They must really not want us in their country.

I am travelling sans kids, sans Kennith and am totally reliant on my wits and common sense.

Hhhhmmmmmmm …..I get lost at Century City, so this might not bode well.

Speed dating for Bloggers …..

On Thursday, 6 October there is a blog hookup in Cape Town.

It is a bit like speed dating for bloggers.  But with wine.  And prizes.  But without the pressure of having to put on clean underwear and shave.  I have my doubts whether there will be much in the way of the anticipation of se.x later in the evening.

But it is my first blog get together, so I have no idea how these things usually play out.

Kodak, Canderel, Braun and Pringles are supplying awesome giveaways. Cape Town’s leading digital design Academy (Friends of Design) will be giving away part-time courses (I so want one of those)!

What’s not to love?

I am excited to my proximity to wine.

I am excited to see some folks who I have spent many an early morning stalking while I could not sleep.

I am excited that I might win something.

I am a bit nervous to physically meet people in real life.  I am a bit of a social retard, and I feel high anxiety when I encounter new people, or a large group of people.

My mind goes into overdrive and it usually ends with me saying something inappropriate and awkward.  A certain measure of self-flagellation is also standard course of affairs.

I keep asking myself:

“What if they don’t like me? What if I am not as funny and endearing as I appear on-line? What if it is like the popular girls at school and I don’t quite fit in?  What if they run out of wine before I get there?  What if there is karaoke? What if I trip and smash my two front teeth out?”

I am really excited and I am so glad that other bloggers have got their shit together sufficiently to organise something like this, because god knows that right now I can’t organise anything.  So big ups to them.

I am experiencing excitement and anxiety in equal proportions.

I really hope other people go straight from work.  If other bloggers look like they have gone home and had a shower, and spent 3 hours on their hair and make-up then I am definitely going to look like the Ugly Duckling amongst the swans.

I hope they have nice wine.

Hello ….. my name is Reluctant Mom and I am an internet addict …….

So, one of my issues (several) is that I have started slipping further into cyberspace and further out of reality.

I began to dodge real-life things so that I could spend more time on-line in blogs and on forums, and just cruising around the net.

I got really irritated with the kids because if they would just stop demanding time from me I could herd them into their beds, and spend more time on-line in blogs and on forums.

It became extremely important how people in cyberworld viewed me.  CRITICALLY IMPORTANT IN FACT.

Their comments lifted me up as well as smacked me down. If I did not get recognition for it in cyberspace then it did not matter.

I would read, re-read, and re-read my comments to ensure that it sounded right in my head.  It was not unusual for me to read one of my comments 12 – 18 times before pushing send/reply/publish and often changing it several times over.

Each time I read it, I would read a more critical tone into the wording.  I would read the way other people would hear (read) and then I would pre-judge myself (before they did)

Any comment made or given in reply was fraught with angst.  I always read the worst in to what anyone said to me or about me, or as a comment to me.

I would push the refresh button constantly on the look out for the response.  I literally would hang on waiting and waiting for the response.  As much as I dreaded a critical word, I would hang and wait for it.

I would be devastated when my comment would hang there in cyberspace without a reply comment.  My worst feeling was being the last person to comment on a thread.  I felt like I was Jane-no-mates and had killed the conversation when mine was the last comment.

This of course fed into my sense of “rejection” and “I did not matter to anyone.”

Real life and cyber life started blurring around the edges.  I felt that real life was a bit too tricky to remain present in, so the blur of cyberlife became much more appealing and much easier to navigate.

In cyberworld I did not feel as awkward as I did in real life.

In cyberworld I did not feel as self-conscious as I did in real life.

In cyberworld I did not fret over my every word and action as I did in real life.

In cyberworld I did not feel so unpopular and such a misfit as I did in real life.

I felt I was knowledgeable, liked and respected in cyberlife, while in real life I was everything but.

I did not think people had ulterior motives as I felt they did in real life.

Until I did.

Sooner or later, unfortunately I followed me where ever I was.

Sooner or later, I started to feel as awkward, as self-conscious, as guilt laced, and wracked with self-doubt on blogs and on forums.

Every word uttered by everyone was judged according to what I thought of myself.  It was always seen as judgemental/critical and pessimistic, no matter how “jolly” or “supportive” the writer tried to be.

Fortunately I am not a gamer or a gambler.  I have no real interest in throwing large sums of hard-earned money at an imaginary world where I buy cyber-cool brands and furnish my cyber-home and purchase a cow.

I am just not that into that side of it.  Fortunately.

But I will admit that my fixation on blogs and forums and Facebook and googling-random-things did get totally away with me.  It became all-consuming and I totally allowed it to get away from/with me.

It allowed me to hide further away from some of my real issues.  At the same time it fed into my irrational feelings and judgement about myself, and escalated the negative light in which I see myself (and several others around me.)

In short, it skewed my perception of reality.

I really missed my blog, so I have cautiously started lurking around here a bit.

I do miss several other blogs and forums that I used to read/follow religiously.  Right now I just needs a bit of time to “get my shit together” before I start lurking through other people’s lives.

I apologise if I have not been by to visit.  Please do not take it as a personal insult or slight on you. Right now I just need a bit of space to find myself, or at the very least not loath myself.

But onwards and upwards.  Right?

<I thought this was quite an interesting tool.  http://www.keepmeout.com/en/ >

The best feeling in the world is when ….

 

<and the worse is when you get b&tch slapped severely … but let’s leave that for another day>

When I started blogging, I though I would read my blog, and Fred, a nice but unemployed man in Ysterplaat might log in when he gets some free time at the internet café.

That is pretty much how I had it pegged.  And at the time it was enough for me.

When I started blogging – I thought I was unique.

I was the only mom who blogged. I had never read a blog.  I did not realise that there was an entire community/sub-culture out there.

I emotionally vomitted several times.

Then when I thought it was over, I stopped blogging.  You know, I thought I had got that shit out of my system.  I said what I felt I needed to say, to get me through my “little episode” after having Isabelle.

And I thought, that I had also enough and Fred had probably stomached all he could.

Then I had dinner with Mike Shaw – and Mike asked how the blogging is going.  I was a bit surprised as Mike was clearly not the “unemployed Fred in Ysterplaat” so I was surprised he read it.

Then he told me a few things about what he had got from reading my blog, and maybe understanding some of the “difficult” times his wife had gone through.

I left the Spur, feeling a sense of heaviness in my stomach from the Goodie Burger I ate, but at the same time maybe to rethink this blogging malarky.

If it was not for Mike Shaw I might never have got started, again.

Today is my + 10 000 hits anniversary (100,027 at the moment…)

Or one guy who logged in 10 000 times, which ever way you want to look at it. or 5 fans and 9 995 people who hate my guts.

The statistics are difficult to interpret, and really spreadsheets do not excite me – in the least.

My busiest day was the 15 September 2010, with 2,986 views, so that was pretty good.

I realise that 300 – 500 people might read this blog every day, and only 5 agree with what I say, while the other 295 – 495 tsk-tsk and promise to send me hate-mail as soon as they are finished vaginal-birth, breast-feeding, co-sleeping and arts and crafts with their little loves, as well as making a healthy casserole for their husbands.

I have embarrrassed myself more times than I can count on this blog.

I do not blog for you. I blog for me.  (Well I keep telling myself that.  I also keep telling myself that I do not care what people thing.  But clearly we all know now I am a bald faced liar-liar-pants-on-fire!)

There is something in it for me, even when I PUBLICALLY humiliate myself.

Part of it is that I get to out myself first instead of worrying what people are going to say.  I admit to the fart, even if I did not fart, just so that I do not have to blamed and people snigger at me.

Which I do quite often. The casualties are Kennith and the kids who get dragged into this blog, against their will, often.

I have said some things that I do not always regret saying, but I often regret that someone was hurt by it, and considerded it insensitive – that was never my aim, and then I regret posting anything that made anyone feel funny (bad) and not always funny (good.)

I do often look back with my 20/20 hindsight and realise I posted something while being emotional – and one learns one should not send emails, update your Facebook status or post blogs posts while very emotional.

It seldom goes well.

I love every solitary comment I get – some make me laugh, some make me cry, some make me alert the police.

This was my first post about fnding out I was pregnant the first time (though it was a get pregnant on purpose, but I was still horrified)

I did a post about Mommy and Baby groups and I still think it is pretty good.

Not a happy post, but one I really “enjoyed” because I was expressing what depression was to me, when i tis such a difficult concept to explain.

Do you know?  Yes, learning exercise.  That JK Rawling based her characters in Harry Potter, the Dementors on how she experiencd depression.  The fact that they are these dark forces, that can find you no matter how hard you run and how far, and they literally suck the energy force out of you, until you are left alive but dead.

I do laugh at some of the crap that falls out of my mouth, but for some reason this post made a lot of people laugh with me, rather than at me, which was a delightful change.

I would like to give a shout out to Mike Shaw, because if it was not for him, I probably would not have carried on blogging.  (Granted if it was not for Mike and Anita, and how “cute” Matthew seemed, we probably would not have had kids either.)

I would tell him personally, but he ignores my emails, so maybe his wife will read my blog and pass on my thanks to him.  So this is a bit like those ridiculous Facebook status updates which someone posts, but the person it is aimed at is never on Facebook.

Thanks Mike!

I got a forum b*tch slap, and it stung …..

Kennith often talks to me and tries to remind me that blogging and forums are not reality.

Kennith is a spreadsheet guy.  If you can put it on a spreadsheet, hook it up to a pie chart and point to it with a laser pointer, he really gets turned on.

Emotions and “soft skills” are not his forté.

He is not unemotional – he cries every time he looks at images from the 1994 Rugby World Cup (he saw the advert last night for “team of a million” and I am sure I saw a tear run down his cheek).

He just does not feel an overriding urge to talk about “what is on his mind or how he feels”.   For what ever reason, he is able to process his stuff internally and quite successfully.

I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with him because he prefers not to chat about his stuff with a few dozen strangers.

I am suggesting we are designed differently.

I like blogging.  I like forums.  I like chatting about my stuff.

I like listening to other people chatting about their stuff – however I do draw the line at your child’s teething patterns, and your lack of sleep because you do not want to implement a workable sleep routine …..

The rather over-used cliché of “it is cheaper than therapy” does apply when it comes to blogs, and especially forums.

I use forums as a daily tool.  Sometimes to my benefit.  Sometimes to my detriment.

Sometimes I have a total po&s collapse and behave like a tw&t – sometimes, but on most occassions I try to behave well and comment with respect.

One of the problem with forums is that (me included) are not experts or professionals, and we are not dishing out “scientific” advise.  We are dishing out opinions based on our experiences.

About three weeks ago I had a real desperate moment.  Like the type that needs chronic medical intervention, and possibly a man with a large needle that gets plunged directly in to your heart.

My way of solving these problems is to take it to a forum.

My ‘normal’ forum really just was not geared up for the type of chat I needed to have because, well, it really is just not that kind of forum.  (It is a lovely forum, and I really heart it a great deal.)

But I needed something different, or maybe just a different level of input.

I found another forum which is an international one and really geared more towards people with mental illness/depression/stuff.

I really should have been a bit more weary when the word “crazy” was used in the forum’s name, but being blindly unawares I merrily stumbled into this forum, and had my little “breakdown, and someone please offer some assistance based on what you have been through…..”

At no point do I want to slate this forum as it really is great, and no doubt has assisted a lot of people not to swing from a rafter or jump off a building.  It is crammed with people with sage advise, and people who need it.

… the thing with forums is that there are newbies and there are people-who-have-been-there-too-long.

Newbies are all bouncy with energy and are all chatty and often a bit melodramatic, and granted often need a slap to bring the sense back to their rather over-inflated sense of worth.

On the other hand the Oldies/Dinosaurs on this particular site, have probably seen it all, heard it all, and taken every script available (as have most people who have been on a forum for a long time, you kind of start becoming the cranky old granny who lives next door who complains about dogs sh*tting on your lawn ….. you sort of sigh rather weakly when a newbie comes along because, well, you have seen it all …..)

Let’s just say they are just a bit well, jaded, and maybe “do not suffer fools or newbies or people on the verge of having a total break with reality” well and do not really take cognisance of the tag “handle with care…”

I came out with an issue that for me was a huge issue – you know when you know that it is a problem, and at no point are you trying to deny the issue, but maybe someone else had been through something similar and can offer something in the way of guidance.

Fekn hell!

To say I got ripped apart and stomped on might be an understatement.

I might also be a tad over sensitive …. I might.

It felt like I had literally been hit in the head with a spade.  I physically felt attacked.

My ears were ringing.  My heart started racing, and I felt absolute dread, as a few posters had taken my situatino and my need for a possible solution/guidance and turned it into a field day.

I try to console myself that they were trying to be truthful and not hurtful and actually just mean.  I try to console myself.

My normal forum is all “cyber hugs” and “smiley faces” – this forum was “The Omen” meets “The Terminator” and in case you turn your back we will give you a bit of “Scarface” they don’t do frkn cyber hugs.

I actually cried – but bear in mind I am feeling quite low and totally “naked and vulnerable” right now, so i do actually cry when the milk is spilt.

I learnt a very quick lesson in forum etiquette and not running where angels fear to tread.  Another was, er, keep your head down.  Do not step out without a helmet and a filled script of ante-anxiety medication on standby.

Do not assume people care about your sh&t because really they have more crazy sh*t going on, and they are actually on medication.

I really stood there in cyber space whimpering and I had a good cry – in my toilet cubicle at work – magic moments those.

I was quite traumatized, and then this lone little voice in the distance stood up and said:

“I admire **** for sharing what is, by all appearances, a very sensitive, painful aspect of her life – a longstanding one in which she’s sought help and is actively seeking further therapy.

I won’t name names, but several members crossed the line from helpful and/or constructive, to antagontistic and just plain, well, douchy – imo.

Anyone of us could, if we chose (I know I certainly could – I can be witheringly  sarcastic and mean spirited when the mood strikes me – it’s sort of what I’m famous for in real life) enter into any topic and tell (insert member name here) to just grow the fuck up and stop doing “x” – but I don’t think that’s the point of this website, or, at least I didn’t, I could, of course, be wrong.”

Clearly my need for affirmation is rather huge right now.

I really really can’t tell you how much it buoyed me to have this lone voice standing up for me, as opposed to what felt like I had just been beat up by the school bullies.

It has not been the huge declarations of support and encouragement that have struck a chord with me as powerfully as the very small, yet sincere ones that have made my soul <sigh>.

So my lesson today is : If you think someone needs a bit of support, stand up and offer it, do not sit there quietly and think “it’s cool, they will be fine” — they just might not, and sometimes your little “hey chick, thinking about you” can mean the world.

<I know this is not a well worded blog post and a bit scattered.  Third week of new meds, I am feeling very scattered at the moment.>

Johannesburg envy …

I seldom get envious that I do not live in Johannesburg.

Actually.

I do not think I have ever said “I wish I lived in Johannesburg..” but this might be one of those times.

Okay, maybe I did not actually wish to live in Johannesburg.

Maybe I just wished I had a Fairy Godmother who handed out wicked air tickets on a wing and a prayer.

The gorgeous Raising Men and her merry troupe of bandits, are planning a little soiré in Johannesburg for anyone who blogs and anyone who wants to specifically stalk bloggers.

Actually blogging is option, you just need to like cake, tea, and be able to read ….. a bit ……… the rest they can fill in for you on the form provided.

Even if you do not want to stalk bloggers, or stand next to cardboard cut-outs of them (I am sure there will be cardboard life size cutouts to pose with), there are some really yummy-I-am-so-jealous-and-I-am-glad-I-am-on-Alzam-or-I-might-start-feeling-really-anxious-right-now prizes as well.

Spot prizes.

You do not have the be the prettiest or the cleverest, you just have to show up - dude, that is easy pickings.

I mean really …… no getting 300 of your closest friends on FB to vote for you, just show the freak up!

Yes, we have not 1 but 2 Kodak digital cameras (RM – I think I fell over when I swooned) and 3 x ghd Iconic Eras of Style handbags and a YEARS supply of Pringles (RM – oh my giddy aunt, I could die happy, rolling around in Pringles … we are talking about the chip and not the leisure wear right??)  and a Living & Loving pampering  hamper and 5 x Snack Factory gift bags and 5 x Canderal gift bags and finally a  months free coffee at Wolves.

So get your blogging hats on and come say hi to us on the 13th of July at Wolves Cafe on Corlett Drive. It all starts at 6pm

I am really jealous right now …….. the only way I could be any more envious right now is if they had white wine with the cake  …..