Pee on a Stick why don’t you?

For those who don’t know me, it’s okay, I often wake up at night wondering if I know myself.  I do often wonder how I managed to get myself into this position – the position of being mom to three children.  When the number one issue is that I don’t actually like children (sure I like my own now, but I never played with dolls, and really tend to cringe back in terror when a young snotty happy faced short person runs towards me), and more importantly number two, I was very sure that I never wanted children.

My partner – Kennith – wanted children from the get go, I was very very reluctant and every time we had the conversation would wrap it up by saying “next year” knowing full well that next year was not going to be coming.  Six years into our relationship we had reached a cross-roads/an impasse and I fell pregnant with our first child when I was 28.  It was a totally planned endeavour.  This did not stop me sitting in the bath and crying like a knocked up 15 year old.

I do wish to place some blame on our friends Mike and Anita (names have not been changed to protect the innocent) – as they had exposed us to their child and it all seemed like such a jolly good idea from our vantage point.    I’ve never told them that they are to blame (if only partly), so hopefully they suffer sufficient guilt to bring me something great from the U2 concert that they are travelling overseas to go and see.

So there I was 28, unmarried, pregnant and frightened beyond measure …..

Leave a comment


  1. DestanyPate

     /  November 9, 2015

    I can say I am the exact opposite of you, and I thoroughly enjoy your blog and the way you present yourself and emotions in your writing. I wanted to start at the beginning, like I do with every blog that I follow. I am glad I did. I can’t wait to read more.

  2. Renita

     /  January 30, 2014

    Just stumbled across your blog (it was that dreaded Pick n Pay story, the first one!) and decided to start reading from the beginning. Let me just say, the way you felt when you realised you were pregnant was my exact reaction!

    I was 26 when I got those 2 pink lines and I was in utter shock! My best friend was so happy for me and all I was thinking was, “I need lots of vodka right now” which preceded with, “Darn it, I can’t have any vodka!”. And, like you, I have never been a fan of kids and never wanted them. My fiance’ was all for having them even though I told him it will be a bad idea.

    2 years on, I love my little girl with everything that is in me but I’m still not a fan of other people’s kids.

    Can’t wait to read more. I have a few years to catch up on.

  3. 1nked

     /  April 21, 2011

    OMG! i want you to knw that i absolutely love your Blog! 🙂 reading the previous articles on your pregnancy ,including this one sort of eased up my fear of falling pregnant! My partner and i have been together for 5 years and just like what happened with your first pregnancy , we always postponed having kids, and during the past years,i fiercely protected myself from falling pregnant,by going on very strict contraception methods . every time we would talk about having kids we always ended deciding that we really weren’t ready to have kids,we needed more time to ourselves,i had a bachelor’s degree to complete ,i had dreams and plans that are supposed to materialise before i have kids , we wanted to travel together,most importantly marry first . Now i am 25 , He is 32, and i have realised that the longer i postpone the more ‘stale” my eggs will get,so i have decided to cash in on the fresh eggs now!lol! …we have been trying for a baby the past three months …no luck…il be seeing my gynae again in 6 weeks time,we are going together because we need to find out why we cant conceive, he blames himself . But i think its me,because of my previous history of contraceptives……i personally just like you,have always been “terrified” of kids ,i always stayed away from them,gave every excuse in the planet to not babysit for a friend or relative or even hold one. But one thing i know, i am absolutely going to love my kids some day!

    • reluctantmom

       /  April 21, 2011

      Hey there – I feel you, you are the much younger pre-child me!! I think we do judge ourselves when we think about having children, because it appears that so many people run into it with reckless abandon, and you wonder why you stand there and are too afraid to even consider it. I totally get that.

      I hope the OBGYN appointment goes well, odds are you will be told to go off and have sex for a year then come back. Often it takes 3 months of contraceptives to work out of your body before your cycle returns, but I also think it is good to align yourself with a good OBGYN, who understands infertility and the warning signs – not that I am saying you IF, but I can’t think of any thing more hearbreaking that wasting your time with a doctor who does not listen or assist in a problem, because it is not their area.

      I do however think (if you can afford it) to request that both your husband and you are checked out – and not wait the 12 months, I personally would rather know now than bang away only to find out in 12 months, that we were banging all wrong – I mean if you are looking to bang-for-an-outcome and all!

      I struggled for more than a year to fall pregnant with Isabelle – my third. It really came down to the fact (for me) that I did not understand when I ovulated. Simple solution resolved that, I hope yours is as simple.

      I think the illusion is that motherhood is easy, we all fall into it and love it, and because it is all so darn natural we are all natural mothers. We aren’t and it doesn’t. I love my kids with a fierceness I cannot describe, and I think I am not a totally sucky mother, but I still struggle with it most days. There is something about it that feels like it does not fit on me – like wearing a really pretty party dress, you know you look good in and everyone comments on, but something makes you want to rush home and rip it off at the end fo the evening and put your old demins and t-shirt back on.

      It’s a bit like that.

      I would love to hear from you – let me know when you go past your OBGYN and what the outcome is. Good luck, chat soon xxx

  4. mums-love

     /  June 23, 2010

    haha! only just read this post when going through your ‘been there blogged that’ stuff 🙂 lol ‘knocked up 15 year old’ lol i kind of felt the same when i first got pregnant. Even though i was well over ‘of age’ i just felt guilty! lol as though i committed a crime…. And just like you, it was planned too… i guess the moment you are pregnant and the rest of ‘your world’ gets to find out the news, it is confirmation of the ‘dirty’ do that was done! lol

    • reluctantmom

       /  June 23, 2010

      So true – I know suddenly I felt “guilty” like I had done something wrong and now had been caught out. I was still “embarrassed” even with my third. Clearly I am a psychiatrist’s wet dream with all the issues I need to work through!!!

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