And then there were two ……

Kennith has always admitted that I did not exactly agree to him doing the MBA.  I just did not say “no” loud enough, so he took it as a yes, and went off and enrolled.  I have heard the MBA referred to as the “divorce course” by several people, and I will be one to vouch, that if your relationship can survive an MBA, then it can probably survive an affair and an appearance on the Jerry Springer show.

In no way was I opposed to Kennith going off to further his education and make himself more marketable in the work place.  What I was opposed to was being left alone – again – with a 1-year-old, when I was clearly struggling.

For two years Kennith removed himself totally from our lives.  He worked, left work and went to classes.  If he was not at a class, then he was doing group work, if he was not in a class and doing group work, he had readings to do.  He was UNAVAILABLE to the extreme.

I am not an insecure person, nor do I need company all the time.  I think if we were a childless couple, I would have no problem with this arrangement.  However we had a child, and I did not sign up to be a single parent – this was exactly what I had been afraid of, that I would be left alone to raise this child.

I had also returned to working a full day at a new job and was literally rushing from one point to another at breakneck speed every day.  I had Connor at home with a nanny which was a relief, but I still needed to get home to her as close to 5:30 so she could leave to get to her home before it got dark.  It was mad mad mad!!

To add to the joy and jubilation, we decided to buy a new house and I also changed jobs again to a job that was even more chaotic than I had before.  I loved my new job, it was back in print production, but it required long erratic hours, unbelievable pressure and chaos.

I had no support as we did not really have family close by. I was really on my own in a very stressful situation.  I always think of how much of a community you feel when you are pregnant and people seem to be cheering for you, but when you have a baby, you just seem to be alone and have to cope with so much that is often more than one can deal with at any given time.

I recall having deadlines at work that would be sprung on me at the last moment, and phoning Kennith to please get home to be with Connor.  Most of the time I could not reach him as he was in meetings, and when I could, he would say no as he had other commitments.

At this point I would be at the end of my tether.  By the time I had called him I had already exhausted any other avenues I had – so he was a last resort and I was desperate.  To be told no by him, would often leave me so angry I could scream.  I would then dash home, collect Connor and bring him back to work with me so I could work late.  It was all too dreadful for words.

Of course my stress, and my impatience at Kennith would be redirected towards Connor and I would get very stressed and impatient with the poor little guy. I became angry, resentful and very depressed and I was becoming the mother I hated being.

My childhood had taught me that I could only rely on myself as anyone else would let me down time and time again.  I had always had Kennith, and now when things were so desperate, I felt that my worst fear was becoming a reality.  I was being abandoned and left to cope on my own – again!!  I learnt that I could not rely on anyone, especially Kennith.  The learning of this lesson made me bitter and very resentful.  Our relationship was crumbling and things were looking very dire.

I also did not have the means to express this to Kennith in a constructive manner.  I do not think he could really see the repercussions of what he was doing.  He was never available and even when he was at home, he was not really present, so it was a very lonely two years.

Things really were horrible – but we kept up appearances for all and sundry, and though people knew Kennith was busy, I don’t think anyone really knew what was going on.

I started to slide down a very dark hole of despair and frustration – and struggled to cope with Connor.  There was nothing wrong with him, and he was a very good little boy, but I could barely cope with me, let alone him.  My behavior became erratic and I was in a state of crisis, with nowhere and no one to turn to!

I have never felt so lonely in all my life than I did then.  You know that feeling when you are lonely even in a room full of people.  You are trying to hide the fact that you are really breaking down and crumbling, but on the outside you are smiling and nodding and trying to look like a normal functioning human being?  I was drowning and there was no one who was listening or available to throw me a life buoy .

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