Happy Birthday Isa-Bubbles …

It’s a big day for me today, Isabelle turns one.  Well she turns one at 16h25 to be exact.

This whole week I have been reflecting on the fact that one year ago I had this little person inside me and she was moving around and how much I miss that closeness.  You can’t explain to someone unless they have had a baby moving around them – how miraculous it is, how strange and how fantastic all at the same time.

I have spent much of this week holding my hand on my lower abdomen just remembering those moments and missing them terribly.

I also take this opportunity to reflect over the year and how much has changed from last June 2009 to now.

I was facing the c-section that I was quite afraid of.. it went fine.

I was very nervous about staying in a general ward, I really wanted a private room, but we could not afford it … but it was fine, just something more I fretted about.

I was worried about how we would cope financially with the four months of unemployment … but Kennith made a plan, and it was fine.  Sure it was a financial hill we had to overcome, but it was fine.

I was worried about how I would fare at home on maternity leave – well there was something worth worrying about.  I did not fare well at all actually.

Once the initial week or three passed I really started to feel frustrated and unhappy being at home.  I am like duck out of water at home, and really do not know what to do with myself.

The days gaped before me – they were black, empty and dark – and terrifying!!

I got stressed and anxious with the dawn of each day.  I took that stress out on Kennith the minute he walked in the door.

I felt totally lost and a drift at home with a new born baby.  It was not as if I had nothing to do. I had the other two kids who had school and all of that, I had my freelance work, and of course I wanted to spend the quality time with Isabelle.  The problem was that it just did not feel comfortable, it just did not feel nice!

I felt this pressure that I was meant to be fulfilled and happy being at home and gazing at my baby, which I dearly wanted and clearly adored.

But then I realised that I was not fulfilled, I was not happy – I was unhappy and concerned that maybe there is something wrong with you.  Why was it not enough to be at home and with my new born baby?  Why could I not cope with what seemed to come second nature to thousands of women each day – what the hell was wrong with me!!

At some point I started to feel a little out of control – actually a lot out of control.  Isabelle was also a crying clinging new born, and I felt I was permanently holding her and rocking her to keep her quiet – which I found exhausting and stressful.  I do have space issues, and find the constant touching of anyone – children as well – very stressful after a certain period of time.

I did start to fantasize about hurting her.  The fantasies usually involved me flinging her across a room, and the quiet and peace I may experience as she was moving through the air.

I did realise that once she hit the immovable object of the wall and slid to hit the ground, the quiet and peace would no longer exist and I would then be faced with another set of problems.

I know I should not be so honest about what I was thinking and what I was feeling, but that is really how I felt.  I thought about it several times a day.  When I started thinking about smothering her as that would be a good way to get peace and quiet – I realized what ever I was doing was not working.  I did not want to get all hysterical, but the alarm bells were clear to me, and I was still able to hold it together.  Waiting to see if it got worse might not be the best solution in this regard.

I found a psychiatrist and could get an appointment the following day.  I went over for a visit and a few meds, and just being there made me feel better.

I realized that maybe it was not her that I was not coping with, it was the fact that I was at home and that is what I could not deal with.

I contacted my employer and asked if I could come back early – they all but came to fetch me, which I am deeply grateful and forever indebted to them  for.  I went back on a part day flexi-arrangement basis and it did more for me than all the medication and psychiatrist visits in the world.

I was able to nip home during the day at about 11h00 to breastfeed Isabelle and spend an hour with her.  I would leave work and get home in time to feed her again before 17h00.  I realized how much I absolute loved and adored her – and how much being away from her made me better and  a more caring, affection and better mother to her.

Of course I am embarrassed and very sad that I could not be happier with her at home.  That she was not enough to keep me there, I really wish I could stay at home with her, but I couldn’t and can’t.

I am a better, more stable, more sane mother going to work each day.  Sure I worry about my children, and I miss them.  Especially Isabelle, I miss her smell, her soft squishy skin, her gummy smile, but right now I know the best I can do for me and them, is to pack them up in the morning and for me to go to work.

But today is my baby’s birthday and I am looking forward to getting home and helping her blow out her first candle on her first cake!  I love that little girl more than I can ever express!!

Posted by reluctantmom on June 10, 2010

https://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2010/06/10/happy-birthday-isa-bubbles-%e2%80%a6/