Auditioning for Lord of the Rings ……

I have noticed some disturbing trends of late … hair in abundance in places I would prefer it not to be ….

I have reasonably light features but somehow my hair growth makes me look like an extra from Gorillas in the Mist.  I am not referring to Dian Fossey and her research crew, more the gorillas who were actually in the mist.  Right now I could extra for that show with very little makeup.

I have always detested shaving.  It is such a thankless brain-numbing task.  As soon as you are done, you need to be searching for the next new razor blade to pretty much start the job again.

Then you shave and shave, and you end up wearing long pants all week.  So at some point you start to reason, hell, who will notice if I skip one or three months? I mean, who will know? Right?

I tried waxing – initially I tried waxing myself.  This was back in the day when you had a pot and a large globule of brown wax that had a similar consistency to Wilson toffee.

I won’t tell you the part where you put the hairy wax back in the pot to make it hot again so you can re-use it … I will wait a while until you have finished gagging.

Feeling better?  Should I carry on?

Being the impatient personality type I am, I would always figure that making the wax hotter and spreading it in larger areas will cut down my effort and increase my results in a shorter period of time.

The problem is that when you spread a 30 x 20cm square of boiling hot brown sticky wax on your leg, you always realize as it is going on, that it is so hot that it is burning your skin off.  But there is nothing you can do once boiling wax is being lathered on your leg … by you!!

The wax eventually dries and cools.  You realize you are now faced with the next step of the operation – you have to rip it off.

Wax like plasters, does not work if done slowly.  One has to grab the corner, brace yourself and just rip it off.

One of the many problems with using wax that is too hot, is that it has now burnt/melted/adhered the first few layers of your skin to the wax.

You know this, as you can already feel the sensation of the “sunburn” under the wax now that it has cooled … but you need to rip it off.

You do toy with just leaving it there, putting pants on and hoping in time it will slowly fall off, but if you have tried this in the past, you realize there is no easy option to the dilemma you are now facing.

So you bear down and rip the wax off.

It takes the skin off (as you predicted) and because you are about to faint from shock, and have not ripped the wax in the correct direction, and inevitably you leave half the hair behind.

You are left with a third degree burn that is so sensitive it is starting to blister, and patches of hair that did not come out with the wax.  Sweet plan this, execution however has been left wanting!

It is all very demoralizing, and makes you start to think being hairy is not as bad as they say.

For several years I reverted back to shaving and then using chemical hair removal stuff.  The problem with Immac/Veet or No-Hair is it usually smells like toilet disinfectant.

You have to lather it on your areas that you wish to be hairless – certain areas you wish to be hairless, while in certain areas you wish to well, retain some, well bush – the result is that you are left standing in a prone position in the bathroom lathered like a toffee apple, and then have to remain spread eagled for about 5 – 10 minutes while your growth is being dissolved.

It is all a bit humiliating and again you start weighing up how bad too much hair actually is on  girl.

There are few moments where I am ever left undisturbed in the bathroom.  The chances of being lathered and left alone spread eagled in my bathroom for 10 minutes, is a sweet sweet dream, but not realistic.

I returned to waxing, but paid someone money to hurt me.  This relationship worked well for about a year, but it really is just not fun.

I also take exception to someone working in my pubic area without at least buying me a bottle/glass of wine first.  So that relationship ended, and all the hair grew back, and it brought some more hair with it.

I have reverted back to shaving.

Which brings me to my next problem – ever tried shaving with three kids in the bath with you?

I am not even going to comment on the obvious hygiene issues and the slightly off-putting hair floating on a sea of oil in the bath.  But there are logistics constraints that need to be factored in.

The result is that shaving has stopped being a standard bathroom procedure and instead has turned in to an occasion, and event shall we say.

When the hair on my legs starts to overlap on my socks then I realize that possibly I need to schedule some shave time.

But that being said, that is actually not the main gripe  of my post today.

I have a lovely ring which I like nothing more to show off and have people gush adoringly at.  The problem is that while showing off my ring I realized I have tufts of hair on that section of my finger between my knuckle and the first finger joint.

What the hell?

Never noticed it before, but there we are – I have tufts of disturbingly dark hair that in some cases are long enough to fall ON TOP OF THE FEK’N DIAMOND!!

I am sure that people looking at the ring have noticed and have decided not to mention it … a bit like when someone you are speaking to, spits at you and it lands on your bottom lip.

You know it is there, they know it is there, but there is just not a polite way to address it.

Pretty much like my hairy finger tufts … I thought I would shave them off to solve the problem IMMEDIATELY.  But the sane part of me did reason that this would of course cause a slightly larger problem in 3 – 6 days.  So I am going to go and have the fekkers waxed.

I am a bit embarrassed at how I am going to ask for it … I might end up getting a Brazilian wax just to not make it awkward when I ask her to wax my fingers.  I mean if I can lie there like a porn star, then finger tufts should definitely be less of a problem – right?

I realize that I should not be blogging about tufts of hair on my hands that make me look like a cast member from the Hobbit, but there you are I am nothing if honest – which brings me to my next problem.

Why, why, why in Darwin’s picture of evolution or your version of creation, would women have hair around their nipples!!?

Is there any purpose to these stray hairs that start off rather insignificantly and then next thing you look they are long and thick and even starting to curl a bit like ribbon on a present … it is all disturbing.

The other day I had to pluck a granny hair off my chin … surely it is only a matter of time before I start having to use that little gadget-that-cuts-your-hair-in-your-nose-and-ears thing.