The cake, the cake, the damn cake ….

I am about at the end of my tether with this entire “find a wedding cake” business.  I could seriously walk in to a cake shop with a semi-automatic and just order a slice of cake and refuse to pay for it!!

Initially I thought cool, keep it simple get a wedding cake – a simple cake rather than a “koek”.  Then the more I thought about it, I really did not want to do the cake cutting thing, and putting cake in each other’s mouths and the ribbon tied around the knife.

If you did that at your wedding, I am glad that it rocked your world, but I really could not imagine trying to be happy cutting cake and shoving it in either my mouth or Kennith’s mouth.  I like to cut and eat my own food, and get quite aggressive when someone puts their hand near my plate, so I just felt this cake cutting and cake eating business probably would not work out well.

I thought great, try wedding cupcakes …those look nifty on their little stand … and then no one has to cut anything … that lasted for about 12 minutes … the idea, not the cupcakes.

I then thought, goody, I have it, we will do a “bridal couple treat/sweet jar.” Loads of jars filled with all the things we like.

Excellent idea, but will require me to shop around for jars and those metal scooper things.  Then I will need to fight with Kennith that we cannot have a jar with biltong and we definitely cannot have a jar with liquorice!  I projectile vomit at the mere whiff of liquorice.  Feel free to test the theory by bringing some near me some time.

I then started making contact with some places with week – one place wanted to charge me more than R3 000.00 for a cake – not a huge-I-am-the-biggest-whitest-cake-you-have-ever-seen cake, a normal cake-cake!!

Listen, I can talk Kennith in to many things by offering him sexual favours, but I think that getting him to agree to pay R3 000.00 for a cake might be pushing it past my available skill set.  (We would still need to pay extra for the brownies and the cup cakes …)

Here we are – less than three weeks, no cake, no cupcakes, and no frik’n (sorry Georgia) idea of what to do.

I got quite stressed (about cake, yes I do realise how totally ridiculous this sounds) and decided to discuss the difficulties I had with solving this problem and finding a cost-effective solution, and decided to approach my bridegroom-to-be as the person to discuss this and who may be able to find a viable solution to my dilemma which I have been grappling with for several weeks now.

Sidebar: My solution is actually to phone up Charlie’s Bakery and say “Let me have a huge chocolate cake, dripping with chocolate, big square, let me have say two dozen decadent brownies, and while you are there, throw in two dozen so-much-chocolate-I-am-going-to-puke cupcakes” … but Charlie’s aren’t known for their cheap prices and Kennith is not a big Charlie’s fan, so I am trying to make another plan taking him in to consideration.

I am standing in the kitchen explaining my problem to Kennith.  I am explaining the running around I have done, and that the first cup cake person is just not really making nice cupcakes. He disagrees and says they are “fine.”

I disagree and say I have now eaten three dozen of them, and they are nice, but not great and I do not want them at our wedding.

He goes on to remind me that people do not remember the details about a wedding, what is important is that he just have a good time.

He tried this test on me to prove his point “I bet you can’t describe the chairs we sat on at Steve and Kalinka’s wedding.” We were at their wedding about three years ago, it was a great wedding – huge amounts of fun, but Kalinka had the details down to a fine art – everything was just right – I noticed these things.  As a matter of fact I could describe the chairs – and then went and found a picture to prove that my description was pretty accurate.

Girls remember this shite, boys only remember if there were available single women and cold beer.  Our DNA’s are just designed differently when it comes to weddings.  I did not choose to be this way, it  just is!!

I mention Charlie’s – Kennith pipes up that they are too expensive and repeats he does not like them.  I acknowledge that I recognize this, hence the reason I am exploring dozens of other avenues.

He then pipes up: “Remember that chocolate cake we had with Anita that she used to buy – remember the one with the hole in the centre? That one was great, go and find who made that cake, that is the one we should get.”

Then he turns to continue making his sandwich/coffee/what ever as if he has solved my problem and all is well in suburbia.

Second sidebar:  Anita has not lived in Cape Town for more than 8 years, so though I know where she got the cake from, the place has long since closed.  The fact that Anita now lives in another country makes me deeply suspicious that, though she is fond of the cake with a hole in it, she is undoubtedly not going to have kept track of the maker of said cake.

At this point I lose the plot – like explode!  I start calling Kennith a variety of unsanitary names and I might have even made reference to his genitalia and what I think he should do with them.

I know I then said something along the lines of: “Do you think because I have a uterus and mammary glands that I know about F U K ‘ N (kids were sleeping, I can swear as much as I like) wedding cake than you do?  Do you actually think that?  How the F U K (I was feeling quite rev’d up at this point) am I meant to find a F U K ‘ N cake from 8 years ago with a hole in it?  I came to you so you can assist me, not offer a stupid F U K ‘ N  solution – what the hell is wrong with you, you idiot!!”

It was something along those lines, memory fails me right now.

Geez Louise I was annoyed – I mean really!  The boy has an MBA and this is how he helps me?  Honestly, how much stupid did he have for breakfast this morning?

I am not sure if I said anything more.  I might well have, the spittle was sort of pooling out of the corner of my mouth at this point, and there is a good chance I was gesturing wildly.

Aaaahhh wedding planning is such a happy time, and brings a couple so much closer together.

Kennith, realizing that things have gone too far, suggests we meet the next day to go to Charlie’s!  Shame, you know that boy really tries – even in the face of a totally psychotic lost-her-mind-long-ago-almost-bride, he tries to wave a white flag.

Bottom line, still no cake, still no idea, but I have some people to call tomorrow.  I am solving this by Friday – I am ticking this off my list.

If all else fails I am going to get my friends to bake me a stupid cake and cupcakes on the evening of the 16th!!  If you are a wedding guest and RSVP’d you are coming, do not make plans for the evening of the 16th, bring 6 eggs, a cup of sugar, 2 TBS of cocoa, I will sms you where we are going to meet, it’ll be fab.