Of wine and toilet bowls …

So last night I went out for dinner with my mate Judith and Sue B – we get together about once a month for a chat and a laugh.

It seemed Judith had other plans, and it turned into a surprise almost-bride party with friends and too much alcohol.

I was dressed in the traditional veil and horns, the garter belt, and the customary learner bride sign – it’s what all the nearly-brides are wearing this season.

I also had a wand and a large ring with a flashing light on it – which has definitely become my favourite piece of bling – I think I might have promised to wear it on the 17th!!  I had a large while butterfly (not real) stuck on my head that was reminiscent of a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s birds, but might also be joining my favourite accessory pile soon.

Wine was ordered for me, we had shooters – which Alice struggled to get into her mouth.  Shooters can sometimes be difficult for pretty girls.  Instead she opted to pour it randomly on her face and neck and hope that some was absorbed through osmosis.

I had some wine, followed by some wine, and then some more wine, you know how this all goes, and I was feeling great.

The girls were funny, the conversation took a few twists and turns and it was all quite jolly.

Alice was trying to convince me that a brazillian wax is just the sort of surprise Kennith would enjoy – really!  I thought.  He would enjoy knowing I lay spread eagled on a bed while a woman named Vera poured wax on me and then pulled it off really quickly to take the hair outta my bum crack?

How about he have the brazillian first, and then once he stops crying he can let me know how it goes and whether he would recommend it to for me.

Sue S then explained that she has committed to a brazillian but only got half way, then had to tell the wax lady to stop as it was too sore, so went home and just shaved the other side – I thought that was brilliant.

Alice insists I should have my bush waxed in the shape of a pink heart!

I really do not know why Alice is so fixated on my hairy nether regions.  I wonder if when Kennith is out with his friends they talk about grooming their twig and berries?

It really was a fun evening …. until well, it wasn’t.

I can’t quite recall the chain of events, but it ends with me, in the bathroom, literally hugging the toilet and well camping out there for the rest of the night.  I had friends taking turns rubbing my back and holding my hair – what good mates I have.

But I just could not stop retching – I do not recall drinking that much – bear in mind my body is a fine tuned wine-drinking machine.  I can look at least two bottles of wine in the eye without seeing double, so I have no idea what happened.

So as not to miss out on the action everyone then moved to the bathroom and stood around making conversation while I retched and cried in between – such good times.  What I was crying about I do not recall, it might be because I was on my hands and knees retching in a public place .. that could have been it.   There is little to beat the likes of a stylish soon-to-be-bride!

Someone was taking group photos, which I thought would make great mementos of the evening. Eventually they managed to frog march me to the car and drive me home.

I will confess to having to puke some more on the drive home  – so if you pass something on the N1 that looks vaguely unsanitary and has now splashed up on the side of your car, let me take this as an opportunity to sincerely apologise .

Eventually I got home and Kennith was waiting – bless his cotton socks.  He helped me get my jammies on, poured me a large cold glass of Oros, and made me a hot water bottle.

He is such a good egg, and I have such good mates for taking care of me as they did!

Bits and pieces of the rather insane conversations keep coming back to me, I seem to recall arrangements being made about going to a sokkie-jol after the wedding?   I might even have suggested it, oh heavens!

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21 Comments

  1. mandyhall

     /  July 19, 2010

    I waxed the day I went into labour with my son, he suprised me and decided to come that night 3 weeks early…The waxing was “almost” as bad as the labour. I honestly sweated more during the waxing than whilst in labour !! 🙂

    Reply
  2. JB

     /  July 8, 2010

    How does the shaoe of a pink heart differ from any other colour? – “my bush waxed in the shape of a pink heart”

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 8, 2010

      Your fixation on this is a bit disturbing … but in the interest of TMI – Alice suggested I get a wax and a colour …. to pink!!!

      Reply
      • JB

         /  July 8, 2010

        The wax, a good idea. The colouring, not so much!

        PS – were those your “flirty eyes” in the pictures?

        Reply
  3. JB

     /  July 8, 2010

    so, the friends that you claim are so great to you coz they looked after you once you were wasted, are these the same friends that fed you the alcohold? Gotta love good friends…. I recall at Liesl’s hen party, the girsl were more wasted than the guys….

    also, how does teh shape of a pink heart differ from any other colour? – “my bush waxed in the shape of a pink heart”…. just asking.

    Reply
  4. Jems

     /  July 8, 2010

    Must of been those shooters that did you in. Post a pic of the flashing ring please.

    Reply
  5. Hen parties can be hectic almost always. At least you won’t forget it 😉

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 8, 2010

      Problem is I can’t remember 3/4 of it …..

      Reply
  6. alet2020

     /  July 8, 2010

    Sounds like a night you will definitely never forget! And just the way a hen’s party should be!

    Hope you are feeling better today 🙂

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 8, 2010

      I have finally recovered, last night I was still feeling very bleak … but so far so good.

      Reply
  7. Mandy

     /  July 8, 2010

    Sounds Fabulous! except for the feeling ill part of course. Sometimes these things just happen and you don’t even need to drink that much. It’s just the nice company and chit-chatting with your girls and lots of laughs that makes you relax and then “KAPOW!” it creeps up on you and kicks you in the face. Hate it when that happens. Stick to the wine rather with only 1 shooter…if you can…..difficult I know! Show us the flashing ring!! can’t stop laughing at that.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 8, 2010

      The problem is I seem to have committed to wearing the flashing ring on the 17th, which does pose a problem, but I will fit it in somewhere.

      Reply
  8. I always take a couple of painkillers before a Brazillian. But if you do go for it don’t wear thongs/ g-strings for at least a week after wards. The chafing is horrendous.

    To change the subject somewhat. Have you seen this http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 8, 2010

      Thanks for the link back to the article – it is a great article, I had heard parts of it, but never read the entire thing – read 2 pages now, will read the rest as soon as a gap opens.

      Great!!

      Reply
  9. Sounds divine – just what every bride to be needs before she gets married. Would love to see the ring!

    Sweet man you have – at least it was your friends who had to do most of the hair holding whilst you were talking to the big white telephone!

    Reply
  10. Joyce

     /  July 7, 2010

    It really was very funny, especially if you were not the one hugging the toilet… do you recall your friends driving you home and thinking that you were being followed by a hijacker (which turned out to be Judith)? Do you recall promising to sing “Die Byeboerwa” from the “FAK sangbundel”?? And then there was Rags doing a full demonstration in the bathroom about how her jacket repells water whilst Judith was studying the Durex advert and you shivering and moaning on the floor with a can of Coke and a toilet roll. I must say, the bathroom floor was quite clean, seeing that it was where I spent 3/4 of my evening and missed Holland’s last 2 goals… Did I mention that the bathroom was about 3 sq meters big?? It was a great evening!

    Reply
  11. O my, hope you feel better. Next time stick to the wine and pass the shooters to the person on your left OK 😉

    PS. I hope the ring fits in with the rest of the wedding colours.

    Reply
  12. Kennith

     /  July 7, 2010

    Bless Alica and her great ideas…

    Celeste really was quite dignified by the time she arrived home and then she started explaining to me that she really did not have that much to drink, while sitting on my side of the bed, semi-crouched upon herself with this big ring which flashed a bright blue light…a convincing scene.

    Reply
  13. Happy hen -party! Sounds like you had a (relatively) good time. It’s those shooters, I tell you. Gets to me every time.

    Reply
  14. Sue

     /  July 7, 2010

    Early to bed tonight for the Porcelain Princess!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 7, 2010

      Today has been the longest most unproductive day of my working life ….

      Reply

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