Your email address has just won you £1 Million British Pounds Sterling

Fabulous it seems I am a 1 million pound lottery winner.

I know, I can barely believe it too.  I thought I would get this quick post in, as no doubt I am going to get really busy after I start cashing in on my good fortune

I just have to fill in this quick form, bank account details and the like, and then tah-dah, I am set.  Won’t take me but a moment.

I also have to answer another email from my good friend Mr David Mark.

David, it appears, is the Auditor for the Bank of the North International, Abuja – he is having a little problem too that only I, his new friend can assist with.

All I have to do is give him my bank account details, and I will be rewarded with a percentage of the 12 million US $ that he is having a little problem getting out of the country – it seems easy enough.

Listen he sounds helluva honest.  He has already referred to me as his friend on several occasions – sure he has spelled friend incorrectly twice in the letter, but no doubt David is busy, and he has other things to concern himself with.

So that is what I have planned for my evening, I will let you know how it pans out.

Mondays should just start later ….. or not at all

This morning was an exercise is total chaos.

On Saturday Connor was playing with his cousins and hurt his arm.  It was still really sore yesterday, so I took him to Panorama Medi-Clinic and it seems he has broken a bone in his wrist.   They put his arm in a splint and that was that.

This morning started with damp school clothes, and Connor not being able to get into his clothes by himself, and then not being able to get his shirt/jersey and jacket  over his cast.  So he started to get upset.

I was still trying to come out of my drug induced sleep and focus, so I told him to just put on his black polar fleece and his black polar fleece jacket.  I was sure that could go over his cast.

Connor is a very “the rules is the rules” kind of boy, and the idea that he was not dressed in his school clothes to go to school got him very upset, and actually a tad hysterical.

He is crying and pleading for me to phone his teacher.  Of course this highlights that fact that I actually do not have his teacher’s number – the ineptness of some parents!! I tried to lie and say that I did not want to wake Ms S, but he said, it was no problem as she would be awake.  Damn it.

Georgia on the other hand is giving me a blow by blow questionnaire of every piece of clothing I have packed out for her.

Besides the Connor’s thing going berserk in his room, which is now spilling in to mine, I have Georgia dancing around asking me questions about things and I can’t even understand her questions.

She has sock issues. I did not realise I had put one sock out instead of a pair, so this of course has given her fresh ammunition and she is going on and on about her socks or sock if you want to be specific.

Instead of her just walking over to her cupboard, opening the door, and getting a flipping pair of socks out – she kept asking in this repetitive voice:

“Mommy, what must I do with this sock?”

“Mommy, what must I do with this sock?”

“Mommy, what must I do with this sock?”

Of course mommy has a classic answer as to what she should do with the sock, but feels it will be lost on a five year old, so I need to bank that comment for later.

All the while Connor is climbing the walls about not wearing his uniform.

I think Kennith was also prattling off about some piece of wisdom, as he gets himself ready to leave.

Bear in mind, I have barely woken up properly. I have not put in my contact lenses. I am still smarting from Georgia telling me my bum is hanging out of my panties … because my bum is too big…. this nugget she threw at me as she went past to use our bathroom earlier on.

I have not had a cup of tea, I am struggling to stand up, or string a sentence together.

I march down the passage with my ass hanging out, because the effort to find jammie bottoms was too hard last night, and this morning will be excruciating.  I figured Pepe has just had an increase, and this should cover this minor infraction on good manners.

I go to Connor who is like a child possessed.  Try to calm him down, tell him I will write a letter and I will walk him in to school and go and see his teacher, it will be fine.

Go to Georgia and solve her sock dilemma – granted she is telling me that I am a Mommy Queen which helps me feel not so bad about my arse hanging out and it being too big for my panties.

I glance at the time – 07h20 = LATE. (Kids need to be at school latest at 08h00, my work starts at 08h00)

Head for the shower.  Figure I will skip going to the toilet as I really do not have time.  As I step in to the shower I hear my phone ring.  I know it is probably Kennith.

Kennith has the inate skill of always phoning me as I am either with my fingers inside a poo nappy, or trying to hold Isabelle down as I disentangle pke out of my hair, or when I am leaning over the toilet wiping poo of someone’s bum – usually not mine – but when ever I am in a position that does not lend itself to answering a phone, I can pretty much guarantee it is Kennith on the other end of the line..

I hear my phone ring twice, but I am already in the shower and trying to shower, brush my teeth, wash my hair, get dressed, and get out the door before 07h30.  I figure they can leave a message and I can deal with it later.

I am in the shower, conditioner on, brushing my teeth – I need to combine tasks to get myself out the door.  I hear this almighty knocking on the bathroom door.  It is not so much knocking as the sound of an 18 kilogram child throwing themselves against the door to get it open.

Georgia rips back the plastic curtain and hands me the house cellphone.

I am naked, my sense of humour has officially left me.  I am in the shower.  I have conditioner leaking down the left hand side of my face into my eye that I am trying to keep closed.  I have a mouth full of Aquafresh toothpaste and most of it is running down my chin as I have been screaming to “leave me alone” every time I heard the thud against the door.

But there Georgia is handing me the cell phone.  You know the only way it could be worse is if it was Pepe handing me the cell phone.

I am thinking – this had better be fucking good!

It is Kennith on the line.

Am I surprised? Not so much.

I attempt to put the phone near my ear.  Can’t actually put it on my ear, as I have conditioner and water out of a shower head spraying on to me – so I go “yes… ” in the most polite voice I can muster – again spitting toothpaste everywhere – I am a charmer I am!!

Kennith then goes on to explain that Connor is really upset about going to school without his school jacket, and maybe I can fit it on his good arm and then sort of drape it over his crippled arm!  Seriously – he calls me now, to impart this gem of advise?  What the hell does he think goes on in our household in the morning?

My initial reaction was to scream at Kennith and tell him is that seriously his best idea and did he need to phone me three times to impart this brilliance – instead, I opted for, “sure great idea, really need to go now!”

Did I ever tell you the time, I was in the shower and Kennith handed me money he owed me …. I was in the shower …. where does he think I will be spending it or putting in … I am in the shower.

What a fek’n morning.