So last night Kennith asked me what was wrong.
He noticed I just was not “there” – and he wanted me to explain to him why I was feeling a bit down/low/removed.
I answered that I really do not know, but I might have lied.
It was not a hard lie, it was more of an untruth, as I had not allowed myself the time and space to really think about why I was feeling to “just not there.”
About two weeks ago Kennith and I had a conversation. We really need to stop having conversations in the kitchen. They just never go well. When ever we have a conversation with a fluorescent light above our heads, it normally ends in my crying or me being really angry.
Kitchen = not great places if someone starts with “we need to talk…”
Without dragging it out, as only I can do, the short of it is that Kennith wants me to stop with any ideas/further motion that surround surrogacy/adoption/fourth child or anything that can be related to these issues – in a nutshell – as some would say.
I stood there and took congnisense of what he was saying and really nothing he said could be argued against with logic.
However that did not make me feel any better.
I immediately started to feel like an insolent six year old who was being told off by her father and being warned that behavior in this regard would not be further tolerated.
Kennith however was very calm – some may say calculated – and stated his facts cleanly and without emotion – some may say coldly. His case was crystal clear “there is no benefit to us as a family unit, and the risks are too large” so cease and desist. Okay, he did not actually say cease and desist, but you get the gist.
I was immediately angry/disappointed/crushed/emotionally bereft – in equal and immeasurable quantities – that what I wanted to do was being controlled/stopped by someone else when I felt totally different. (listen we can labour the point of the family unit and how we are all one and all the crap later ….)
I realized that there was no point in making a further case for any of these issues, as Kennith had already made up his mind. His were logical reasons while mine were purely emotional.
He had not made up his mind in a rash moment of anger, or because the day had been a bad one. He had given it thought, and weighed the issues up and decided that he wanted to tell me how he felt – and decided that the kitchen was a good place and the timing was just right.
Unfortunately it was a bit (well very actually) too crushing for me and I was unable to respond in an effective or emotionally mature manner.
When I feel “attacked” or “under threat” I immediately start to “baton down my hatches,” so to speak – and retreat into myself. I chose to say as little as possible, because I felt I was screaming inside and that never translates well in adult conversation.
I know that nothing will be gained by swearing and screaming and fighting against the decision.
I know that nothing will be gained by drafting a funky presentation using Photoshop and PowerPoint to dazzle him.
I know there is nothing to be gained by falling on the floor and begging and pleading whilst I hold on to his pant’s leg and cry in a loud whining voice.
There is nothing to be gained.
There is nothing to be gained no matter what I do.
There is nothing to be gained so I feel ineffective, useless and just a little bit (very) crushed.
There is nothing to be gained so I feel resentful and angry and hurt.
I realise that my reaction is probably not the most mature.
I realise that my reaction will only further alienate Kennith.
I realise that there is nothing to be gained from feeling like I do, and by not just getting over it. But there is nothing to be gained.
I realise all of this, but I still feel like ..
I am just not ready to hear the no, when in actual fact it is resounding, I am not ready to give up, but I must or I will drive myself to distraction, and hate Kennith for it. I am angry that I do not get to make this decision by myself (insert angry six year old girl stamping her foot here). I am angry, I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am angry, I am so very very angry, I am so very very hurt…
Will I recover? Of course, don’t we all recover eventually given enough time.
How long do I need? Not sure, really not sure today, but tomorrow or next week is another day, but I am just one of those that do not bounce back quickly ….