Sometimes your decisions are not yours to make ….

So last night Kennith asked me what was wrong.

He noticed I just was not “there” – and he wanted me to explain to him why I was feeling a bit down/low/removed.

I answered that I really do not know, but I might have lied.

It was not a hard lie, it was more of an untruth, as I had not allowed myself the time and space to really think about why I was feeling to “just not there.”

About two weeks ago Kennith and I had a conversation.  We really need to stop having conversations in the kitchen.  They just never go well.  When ever we have a conversation with a fluorescent light above our heads, it normally ends in my crying or me being really angry.

Kitchen = not great places if someone starts with “we need to talk…”

Without dragging it out, as only I can do, the short of it is that Kennith wants me to stop with any ideas/further motion that surround surrogacy/adoption/fourth child or anything that can be related to these issues – in a nutshell – as some would say.

I stood there and took congnisense of what he was saying and really nothing he said could be argued against with logic.

However that did not make me feel any better.

I immediately started to feel like an insolent six year old who was being told off by her father and being warned that behavior in this regard would not be further tolerated.

Kennith however was very calm – some may say calculated – and stated his facts cleanly and without emotion – some may say coldly.  His case was crystal clear “there is no benefit to us as a family unit, and the risks are too large” so cease and desist.  Okay, he did not actually say cease and desist, but you get the gist.

I was immediately angry/disappointed/crushed/emotionally bereft – in equal and immeasurable quantities – that what I wanted to do was being controlled/stopped by someone else when I felt totally different.  (listen we can labour the point of the family unit and how we are all one and all the crap later ….)

I realized that there was no point in making a further case for any of these issues, as Kennith had already made up his mind.  His were logical reasons while mine were purely emotional.

He had not made up his mind in a rash moment of anger, or because the day had been a bad one.  He had given it thought, and weighed the issues up and decided that he wanted to tell me how he felt – and decided that the kitchen was a good place and the timing was just right.

Unfortunately it was a bit (well very actually) too crushing for me and I was unable to respond in an effective or emotionally mature manner.

When I feel “attacked” or “under threat” I immediately start to “baton down my hatches,” so to speak – and retreat into myself.  I chose to say as little as possible, because I felt I was screaming inside and that never translates well in adult conversation.

I know that nothing will be gained by swearing and screaming and fighting against the decision.

I know that nothing will be gained by drafting a funky presentation using Photoshop and PowerPoint to dazzle him.

I know there is nothing to be gained by falling on the floor and begging and pleading whilst I hold on to his pant’s leg and cry in a loud whining voice.

There is nothing to be gained.

There is nothing to be gained no matter what I do.

There is nothing to be gained so I feel ineffective, useless and just a little bit (very) crushed.

There is nothing to be gained so I feel resentful and angry and hurt.

I realise that my reaction is probably not the most mature.

I realise that my reaction will only further alienate Kennith.

I realise that there is nothing to be gained from feeling like I do, and by not just getting over it.  But there is nothing to be gained.

I realise all of this, but I still feel like ..

I am just not ready to hear the no, when in actual fact it is resounding, I am not ready to give up, but I must or I will drive myself to distraction, and hate Kennith for it.  I am angry that I do not get to make this decision by myself (insert angry six year old girl stamping her foot here).  I am angry, I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am angry, I am so very very angry, I am so very very hurt…

Will I recover?  Of course, don’t we all recover eventually given enough time.

How long do I need?  Not sure, really not sure today, but tomorrow or next week is another day, but I am just one of those that do not bounce back quickly ….

Leave a comment


  1. Bonnie Bauman

     /  September 23, 2010

    Hi there,

    Just found your blog; thank you so much for being so open and honest and sharing your journey with the rest of us; what a generous, beautiful soul you are!!! I look forward to reading your blog regularly. I’m 37, and like you, not really gung ho about hanging out with children; don’t have any kids, and am torn about whether to take the plunge or not–I’m married one year now. I’m the only one I know who admits to feeling this way, so it’s so nice to have found your blog!

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 23, 2010

      Hey Bonnie – what is surprising is that there are more women like you (and me) than you think.

      At a certain point you do start to wish you did not have to make this decision, but there are also time issues that come into play … and then you start thinking that if I do not make this decision now, then you may not have the option to do it later.

      I felt that I had Connor because Kennith wanted a child, not because – at the time – I really wanted a child. Of course as time has gone by things have shifted – and now I am like super broody without a handbrake …. but you will maybe not be so surprised to find out how many women there are who maybe want kids but at the same time do not …. unfortunately the stereo-type persists that we are all dying to be mothers and love being mothers, when reality is a bit darker than that.

      I appreciate your stopping by and leaving your comments Bonnie.

  2. This is a very personal matter and you are brave to air it in public. Of course, no one can help you but yourself. There is a popular song for every emotion we feel. Many will be apposite and suitably crumby. How about. ‘Count Your Blessings while you may.’

  3. Janine

     /  September 15, 2010

    I have been following your blog for a while now and I have to say, your posts always evoke some kind of response in me … laughter, lumps in throat, smiles, etc. etc. So thank you for your honesty, humour and insight.

    I completely get the “6 year old girl” feeling! I get that every so often, I mean who dares to tell me what to do or indeed what not to do!? Even if they are possibly right or have thought out their opinion more rationally than I have! I also get that it takes a long time (sometimes longer than others!!) to get over the hurt and frustration that inevitably comes with the 6 year old girl aftermath. So I wish you well and I hope you get to that place of acceptance / understanding very soon.

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 15, 2010

      Thanks Janine – I definitely often feel a raging six-year old on the inside, however I try to channel a mature 38 year old on the outside, but I do often fail miserably.

  4. bethjane

     /  September 15, 2010

    Hi Celeste, I’ve been reading your blog for a while and a lot of how you feel is similar to how I feel, and yet also very different. I suffered from Infertility but in a rather different way to most people. Yes, I did have a happy ending, but actually it was more like a happy beginning and then I had to deal with the unhappiness.

    As a 15 year old teenager I was diagnosed with bone cancer. In those days the treatment was amputation and heavy chemo, and not a very good long-term prognosis. After my leg amputation and chemo treatment, I had to have regular checkups, and it was discovered that my cancer had spread to my lung. The prognosis was even more very dire now, the surgeons wanted to operate immediately and my oncologist wanted to start another very intensive course of chemo. My then boyfriend and I decided that we wanted to get married first cos if I was going to die, we wanted to experience being marrried first. It was a month before I was turning 17, but I wasn’t a typical 17 yr old, cancer had matured me and made me grow up very quickly.

    Somehow my parents agreed, I suppose when your daughter is dying you aren’t exactly going to deny her anything. So, in 2 weeks we had planned the whole thing, a beautiful wedding for 200 guests! The surgery had to wait two weeks, we went away for a two day honeymoon and then I checked straight into Groote Schuur for my surgery! (in those days there were no private cancer hospitals)

    I eventually walked away from the chemo treatments, I couldn’t take it anymore. My Oncologist couldn’t tell me how much more I would need, and I started hearing about all the terrible long-term side-effects. I was so sick, hugely anxious, and basically couldn’t continue to live ruled by chemo treatments.

    Amazingly, the cancer stayed away, even though I never went back for any checkups, I was reasonably healthy so assumed everything was ok. Psycologically I was a wreck, but only dealt with all that years later. In those days, the docs treated the cancer, cut yr leg off, but never once offered any form of counselling to help one through all these traumas. My husband was amazing, I really believe I would not have survived if it wasn’t for him.

    After a few years I decided it was time for a baby, I managed to get pg without any assistance, and had my son, who is now 21. Two years later I had a daughter. I was a very young mom, and made a little pact in my head that I would have more kids in about ten yrs.

    Well, along came my 30th birthday and I managed to convince my husband that we needed to try for one more baby. Well, by then, unknown to me at this stage, I had very severe endometriosis, as well as very damaged ovaries due to all the chemo that I had had. We tried for about 2 years on our own, then moved to IUI’s with my gynae. Still nothing so had first lap, where my endo was diagnosed, and my gynae referred me to a fertility specialist. Did another 3 IUI’s with him, then made the decision to move onto IVF. Amazingly got pg on my own while waiting for IVF cycle to start. So happy, and then so very devastated to miscarry at 9 weeks. World fell apart around me, all the traumas of cancer came back, and I finally started to deal with all the issues I had surrounding my disability, and my cancer, and why bad things were still happening to me.

    After sortof getting my head right, we started our first IVF, not a great response, and had a negative result. Onto IVF no 2, only 4 eggs retrieved, but nothing fertilised, tried rescue ICSI, but still the embryos didn’t look great. Transferred 2 on Mothers Day but again a negative.

    By this stage my husband said, enough is enough now. The fertility specialist believed that the chemo damaged my eggs, and that the next step would be donor eggs. I had to have a long, hard look at my life, and agree to stop trying, to be happy with what I had in life, and with my two beautiful children.

    It took me years to find peace, I think the fact that cancer had taken so much from me – my youth and my mobility, and now here was yet something else that it had taken, my fertility and the decision of how many children I would have. I resented my husband for a long time for “making” me stop trying. I was prepared to try anything and everything – donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption. He felt we had to focus on what we had and not keep spending vast sums of money on my dream.

    I am beyond thankful for the two kids that I do have, somehow, someone was looking out for me when I had kids so young, if I had waited much longer the damage to my eggs and ovaries would have started, and then who knows where this would have ended?

    I ended up having a hysterectomy due to the endo last year just before I turned 40, which has been the final stage in my healing, strangely enough. Now that I know there really is no hope, I have made my peace with my journey.

    Sorry, I’ve written as essay! I think you are wonderful to even consider being a surrogate for an infertile couple. In many ways my infertility journey was even harder than my cancer journey was, and we need more women like you in the world!

    Take care of yourself.

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 15, 2010

      Now look what you did …. you made me cry …. thank you for sharing your story with me …. I think at the end of the day your wisdom of “finding peace with your journey” is really where I hope to be. I know I am lucky/blessed/should be satisfied, and I know that Kennith is doing nothing more than taking care of the best will of our family … but still having to close a door when maybe I am not ready, is not easy and not always logical.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story … really thank you xxx

  5. Hi,

    It gave me such an elated feeling of being a woman while I went through your story. There was a warmth which tugged at my heart about the mom in you.

    If at all you believe in intuition and the existence of supreme forces above human life, I would like to add what I feel. If your longing for a child is that deep, which your writing shows, probably you are nearing the time when you are supposed to meet that new entry in your life. Whether to put it across as your destiny’s call or as your soulmate connection, I do not know. But the depth of your sadness says it’s a longing beyond time, beyond human bonding.

    As men are mostly logical minders, your husband is right in his thoughts. Yet what your heart longs for cannot be satisfied with rational equations. I can understand the difficulty you are put through. I only feel that the true and strong love you have for another child will for sure bring him/her into your life. Love is the strongest force Ive ever felt.

    Love your family pictures, your lovely kids! God bless!

    Nandhini (

  6. usgirls

     /  September 15, 2010

    Ughhh I get it I get it I get it!
    We at “mezclados” (the name of my blog) do all of our lovely discussions in the living room. Ive read the comments and see people asking why you want another, and I can attest that sometimes you don’t know why.

    But I also wanted to send hope, when my spouse does this SUPER NO thing (which is SSOOOOO not feminist) I back off. Because in the end HE is the highly emotional creature hiding in a testosterone suit.

  7. From the freshly pressed WordPress page I starting reading your post on ‘decisions’. The more I read the more I was reminded of decisions having to be made in my home. My wife and I have 3 kids. First pregnancy, back problems with hosp. bed rest; some post natal depression. Second pregnancy, lots of hospital and me a ‘single’ father. Third pregnancy, even more hospital, prescription drug addiction, depression, and total fallout under our roof which changed everything from then to now. Medical advice to my wife was to not risk a 3rd pregnancy. She had her tubes tied. That was the ‘logical thing to do’. Emotionally it was the most difficult thing for her to do. Tubes were untied and she fell pregnant; very lucky. Despite our family life never being the same again, she hasn’t regretted our 3rd child. Neither have I. Fortunately, the question of a 4th child never really confronted us. That was good because honestly, me, the husband and father, the provider, the tough guy, the strong and dependable, the rock etc, just couldn’t do it again. Emotionally, for me, it had been almost too much. I have certainly been a reluctant father at various times. Even after the last, born 13 yrs ago, I cringe at the thought of those black times and hope never to see them again. In a family, as you know, one members decision usually affects all members, including your kids. Our kids all had to go through tough times and hopefully won’t be screwed up by them. It’s a tough job being a grown up; wonder how things will work out for your family? Your writing shared your emotion and reminded me of ours. Good post.

  8. I am glad you realize that you acting like a child. You are blessed with 3 beautiful children already. You have a beautiful family. I can understand your want for growing your family, but if your husband doesn’t want that then there is nothing you can do. All you can do is appreciate what you have in front of you. I know I am young, and inexperienced, but if my mother was so upset over not “being allowed” to have more children, I would feel like an inadequite daughter. I would be thinking to myself, why am i not good enough? Why can’t I make her happy? I am not trying to be rude, but I think you should focus on the wonderful children you already have and be glad you have them in your life before they grow up and it’s too late.

  9. I know you’re feeling crushed and disappointed right now. I hope you can help him understand how much his blatant refusal is hurting you, but if time goes by and you are at this same point with your husband, remember that you have three beautiful adorable gorgeous children. That’s what matters.

    • Kennith

       /  September 15, 2010

      Hi Jessica,

      One point I want to put out there for all readers, which I am sure Celeste will admit to, was that this was not a blatant refusal. I have spent months hinting and preparing Celeste on the way I feel, and in a related conversation we were having in the kitchen it was clear that Celeste was still hoping and I relayed that it is something I know I do not want it as much as Celeste knows she does.

      I am not withholding anything from her, merely stating that I am not willing to accept this additional responsibility onto myself and my existing 3 kids – the part of our family unit I can influence.

      I love Celeste dearly but I also have a responsibility to myself and my 3 kids.

      Anyway, that is the other side of the coin. Celeste’s emotions are all real and I do not want to take anything away from that, she is crushed and I wish I could make her feel better. I realise I can not, so I need to wait for her to accept the situation and hopefully the damage to our relationship is manageable.


  10. Hi,

    I just stumbled upon your blog through Freshly Pressed and feel compelled to weigh in, despite not really knowing much about your situation. I do, however, know very much about feeling like you’ve got some ‘nebulous feelings’ bottled up inside, and to release them would only result in a giant tantrum. That’s been the story of my life, in terms of emotions – and creates one of the only sources of stress in my otherwise happy relationship. I find it always stems from a communication issue — your husband makes you feel one way, like, you find his responses “cold” and “calculating,” but you respond placidly. Would it be wrong to say something like, “I understand your point about the family not being able to handle more stress, but the way that you’re saying it really hurts my feelings.”? The only “problem” comes from leaving things completely unsaid; it breeds resentment where there once was only mild anger that could’ve been cut off at the head. If that doesn’t make sense: a friend of mine, an attorney/mediator, told me the other day about how she was on the phone with a colleague, they were engaged in a conflict, and he said something like, “you better be careful, this argument could ruin our relationship!” (UGH.) So, she responded: “actually, it could strengthen it, because we’ll see that we can have a conflict, move past it, and still be friends.” I’m a conflict-averse person, and hearing that advice really helped me to understand that simply engaging in one conflict isn’t going to “ruin” anything — it’s actually making it stronger, because the two parties are engaged in honest communication. And, like you said, you didn’t feel authentic or honest in dealing with your husband (although you didn’t tell a “hard” lie.) But, I’d imagine that’s not ideal (in-authenticity), you obviously want to feel like you can communicate your thoughts and feelings to him, and that he’d respond respectfully.

    Whenever I need my boyfriend to just listen to how I’m feeling without arguing, I say, “can you pretend like you’re my psychiatrist and just sit and listen without responding?” I know it sounds silly, but it gives me permission to say things I may not normally say, for fear of hearing his (probably negative) response right off the bat. When I’m describing my feelings objectively (the way I would to a psychiatrist) it limits my emotionality — which can tend to get way out of control. That way, I’m just saying things like “when you said this, I felt this way, and this is why…” and that way, things don’t escalate into total chaos. I’d approach your husband like that — I mean, if it’s okay for him to say “we need to talk” in the kitchen, it’s permissible for you to say (coolly, calmly) “I need to talk to you and I need you to just sit and listen,” and then, rather than making it about the possibility of having another child, just address first and foremost the way he made you feel by ambushing you in the kitchen. Bite things off in little chunks until you feel like you’ve said your piece & gotten everything off your chest.

    You’ve already articulated your feelings so well on your blog, so you have nothing to be afraid of — you know what you’re feeling and you know how to express it. It’s okay to just say “I felt angry, I felt powerless to respond, I felt crushed.” That’s the truth. Your husband’s got to value the authenticity in your relationship, even if it means the potential for an argument. Honest communication only makes us stronger.

    Anyway, I didn’t mean to overstep any boundaries by getting involved in a situation that I’m not familiar with. I just know I’ve felt similarly and wanted to offer some encouragement and advice. Being a woman is so tough and we’ve got to stick together. 🙂

    Best of luck,

  11. I just found your blog – You are incredibly well written. I have flagged this for follow up.

  12. I am single and have never had any children, despite the fact that it was all I ever really wanted from life. While I am still hopeful that I will someday meet the right man, children are no longer a possibility.
    I am not writing this to chastise you for wanting a 4th child. I am writing to tell you that we can learn to live happily without having what we want. I do.
    It has been a long and complicated process to reach this place, but in a nutshell, the key is to practice gratitude for what you do have and acceptance with what is.
    Every time I find myself revisiting the hole in my heart where my family was supposed to be, I bring myself right back into this moment and focus on all of my blessings, and it is clear from your beautiful photographs that you have very many. It takes time, but it works.
    Wishing you many blessings,

  13. Hi Reluctant Mom,

    I have no idea who you are. You blog – this post- happened to show up on my feed reader and I happened to read your post. I wanted to leave a comment so here I am.

    I am not very old – not a wife, not a mom either. But I have felt what you described – when you are faced by such sheer crushing helplessness when the other person knows what they are about and want to get it and your reasons are all, as you say, emotional.

    Again, I am not sure of the background – why you want another baby, why you want to adopt – but I don’t care. You want to. That is all there is to it. A person in your life who cannot understand the emotional impact of wanting such a presence, needing it, cannot really ‘get’ you from what I can see.

    To be so cold and detached when it is ‘you’ at stake – is it fair? I thought it was not, and hence this comment. Your needs are yours, your desires are yours. No one has the right to throw cold water on it, much less people in your life, who probably value you and care for you in other ways. If I were you, I would let them know that this was not how you would wish to be treated – like a six year old girl who wants to scream because she feels helpless about the lack of support.

    I am sorry if I crossed any boundaries here. Just felt like sharing it. Thanks.

  14. I’m so sorry you feel low about this. I can not begin to understand but can empathize. I am at the start of this mummyhood journey and have only ever wanted one. Of course now he is here I want eleven.
    Hopefully you will come to terms with this in the future. Your husband sounds like a good man. A good stubborn man. A good stubborn loving man. Your children are beautiful and you are a wonderful writer. Best wishes x

  15. After reading your “about” page….I wonder if Kennith doesn’t want more kids because he doesn’t want to go through all the “depression and anxiety” again? Just a thought. After reading that page I had to ask myself why you even want another kid.

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 15, 2010

      Unfortunately not an answer I can give easily …. I really struggle to explain it, it is just this thing that is … I also worry about the depression and the anxiety … it is always a concern for me … however is being handled better than it has been.

  16. I read your blog with a profound feeling of sadness, wondering why your decisions are not, in fact, yours to make. As a wife and mother of two little ones, I often come to a similar predicament: why does the negation of a decision by a spouse ends up being the final say on any matter? In other words (and of course I do not know the context of your discussion/dangers/situation for considering a fourth child), when one spouse negates the desire of the other, it ends up that that other spouse is making the decision all by himself! And that is not fair.

    Ideally, it seems that all decisions are to be considered final only when they are made by both partners, together. And these should include both the decisions TO do something (“Let’s go on vacation to Spain!” – “OK – let’s do it!”) as well as NOT to do something (“Let’s not try for that fourth child”…”Well, OK, it hurts, but I understand that this is the best option, both logically AND emotionally”).

    I don’t mean to add fodder to the fire, but also it seems to me that “logical” reasons are no more important as “emotional” ones. So your emotional need/want/desire/hope for a fourth child has as much validity as your husband’s (or even your own) laundry list of logical, thought-out reasons why you should not. Your emotional reasons were “felt-out”. This is tremendously important.

    Sending encouragement to you, and empathy, as this issue and struggle is certainly not yours alone.

  17. Isn’t it great being a woman^^ (six year old rolling her eyes over here)

    Oh well, we all just have to deal with these lovely hormones -oestrogen and progesterone.

  18. You have a beautiful family Celeste! Be patient. Sometimes we feel the need or want for things and as time passes that want or need turns out to be a void we were trying to fill, or simply it wasn’t in the cards for us.

    Consider yourself blessed and that everything is how it should be. Besides, you never know… things could turn out better than you could have ever imagined 🙂

    Good luck and congrats on getting freshly pressed.


  19. Your post resounded with me. I just recently wrote almost exactly the same line as you about feeling like a 6-year-old, wanting to stomp my feet and cry.
    I want a child. I’m 25, married for 2.5 years, and currently childless. I want to have a child before I’m 27. My husband (the accountant) says we cannot afford it, that it’s not to be thought of for at least 4 to 5 years, and that if we do have a kid it would require moving 4 hours away from all my friends and family.
    Perhaps his reasons are logical, with his analytical accountant mindset, but doesn’t change what I want, nor how I react.
    So, I understand, to a degree. And you are entitled to feel however you want.. You should never have to apologize for that.

    Found you off Freshly Pressed.. You have a beautiful family.

  20. It’s ironic that your nick is reluctantmom yet you want a 4th kid =) Just pointing out the funny!

    I’m sure Kenneth only want the best for you and the family, which is why he’s putting such discussions on hold for now. In fact, I would think the idea would be an exciting prospect when your 3 bundles of joy have grown up. It would (hopefully!) be less hectic then!

    I’m all for adoption. Somewhere, someplace there is a child crying out for love. And I hope to reach out to one when I settle down. When I do so, I hope this post comes back to mind. =)

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 15, 2010

      Yes, it would seem the humour is that I am so reluctant, yet somehow I do not seem to know where the stop-valve is …. years of therapy in that no doubt ….

  21. lovely blog.

    I have also held the opinion that fluorescent lighting makes people behave oddly.
    raising a family in this century is a very tricky thing to do. regardless of the number of people/children involved. Just the fact that Ken has trepidations should show you that he his concerned not only for himself, but for everyone in your family, including you. Granted I don’t know any of you, but it has always been my opinion that when someone acts as he did, they are doing it out of love.

  22. What an honest and soul-revealing piece. Cudos for writing about something so personal that break one’s heart. I wonder if your husband felt that way when you brought up wanting a fourth child and took a long time to say what he really wanted.

    Really, who knows what is right for the whole unit. I had a fourth child unexpectantly who would be sorely missed but what if he never was? Would our family still be running as well as it does? The answer is probably. You just never know and that can be killing.

    Congrats on being freshly pressed.

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 15, 2010

      Thanks for those comments, really appreciate where they are coming from.

    • slowoodworker

       /  September 15, 2010

      I am that 4th “accident” Six years younger than my next older brother. (4 boys — my grandmother reportedly cried when I wasn’t a girl). Would I have been missed? No.* Was I appreciated & loved? YES.
      I was the son who lived near Mom and saw to it that she got her Chocolate fix every few days, went by and visited on occasion and listened to the same stories over and over again.
      I wasn’t the greatest of sons, but I was there.

  23. This is a beautifully written post, and I imagine it took some courage to put this out here. I would have to whole-heartedly disagree with many of the commenters. How dare you tell her what she should and shouldn’t want to do with her own body, with her own family, with her own aspirations and hopes, goals and dreams? Just because she already has a beautiful family, I think it is completely unfair to try to pass judgement on someone you don’t know because you think your decision would be different or because you think they are being selfish or greedy or whatever. Everyone has a right to their own opinions and thoughts and feelings, and I would say the old adage must be remembered … if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

    Thank you for having the courage to share this story. I know that there are many people (both with and without families) that feel the same way, and it is probably incredibly reassuring to hear someone voice the words they have in their heads.

  24. Your family is beautiful and your writing is too. How brave of you to let others behind the curtain to see how your mind works.


  25. Carm

     /  September 14, 2010

    Oh Celeste…I may have found a kindred spirit in you. Of course, this is the first of your Blog entries that I’ve read, and by the looks of things it’s going to take a month with some steady focus to catch up on everything you’ve written…but I intend to get to know you slowly but surely.

    Having said this…in times like these, I find that sinking back to the foundation of my existing family and being completely enveloped in the love that it provides me and the comfort of knowing that my husband and I built what we have *together*, it fills me with a sense of calm and living in the moment. Perhaps not looking at what I don’t have, but more focusing on what I do. When I reflect this way…I go inside myself and find myself grateful for all the wondrous things we have gained and acquired as a family. I find peace in that. I find selflessness in that.

    And about the whole feeling “attacked” stance. GIIRRRRRRLLLLLL…I feel ya! I do the exact same thing. I’ve been married for 19 years. I’m almost 39 years old. I grew UP with my husband. I put him through college…and let me tell you…he sounds a LOT like Kennith. Calm. In control. Deep thinker. Stable. Smart. And sometimes I wonder…how on EARTH did he get so much wiser than me when I’ve been here the whole damn time?!?!?! I HATE/LOVE that about him. It’s rather infuriating!

    I plan to subscribe now. Thanks for the BLOG. 🙂 ~ Carm

  26. You have a beautiful way of articulating your feelings. Best wishes.

  27. Esperanza Perez

     /  September 14, 2010

    One question? In all I read and maybe I need to read further back into your blog but there was a main question that I seem to be the answer to.

    Why do you want another child?

    I can see your beautiful babies and know that as a mom (your job is going great) they are in the best of health and look to be well adjusted children but in all this last post not once do you say why you want a new child.

    I can see that you give your little ones the best you can as a mom and that is great but why now do you want or need a new child? I ask this not to say having more children is not good but in raising children we give as much as we can and then give again.

    Me and my husband raised six children, or lets say I raised them as he paid for the how to raise is just now as we are enjoying our grandchildren that I see the loving man again..we tend to get lost in the raising our children aspect with real life in the how to pay for them to be with us. I have been married for over 32 years and know exactly the words and emotions that you are feeling because I was there for many years. I would not give up one moment of our life but maybe do think back and see that six was a bit much.

    But who to take away is and was never an I ask again..why a new child..thanks. Maybe if you look at the need and touch on the emotions you will find answers that will not hurt to discover..keep up the blogging.

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 14, 2010

      Thanks Esperanza – I can’t always explain in an easy way why I feel a need to pursue surrogacy/adoption or even the outside idea of a fourth child – I have covered these issues to a degree in earlier posts, and I cannot always explain it in a nice easy parcel.

      I too wonder that I should be grateful for what I have and call it a day – however at the same time I consider that in five or ten years time I do not want to look back with regret and go “I wish I had …”

      I realise three kids is probably the limit, but right now – for me – I have other emotions regarding keeping the door open or considering other options that I feel very pained to just let go. I appreciate your insight though as you have been through this to a degree and can look back with more wisdom (and understanding) than I have right now.

      • You clearly have a lot of love and care to give if you already have 3 children and you are considering having more. I wonder (and you have probably already considered this) if it might be good for you and your family to consider fostering children who need the kind of love and care you have to give.

        Beyond an extra outlet for you, it would potentially be a service to the children you chose to foster, their families and the community as a whole. And foster care does often lead to adoption.

        What do you think? Bad idea?


        • reluctantmom

           /  September 15, 2010

          Hi Crystal – thanks for the comments. I think fostering would be a similiar road to adoption however less permanent – I also am not sure that once I opened my heart to a child, whether I would be able to let that child go back to his/her family without dying a little inside … it is something I have considered …. however may be something I will relook at maybe when I am a bit older and wiser ….

  28. Love the pics of you and your family! Being able to write always helps me air out how I feel so that I can later look at a situation with less emotional attachment. Of course, for many woman having a child is very emotional.

    I am sure the two of you will work it out…good luck. Also, Congrats on Freshly Pressed! LB

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 14, 2010

      Yes, having a platform to say out loud what runs in my head really does help …. sometimes it does help me work things out … sometimes ….

  29. Phoenix

     /  September 14, 2010

    Hello. Although I’m no one to speak here, first time reading your blog and too small to say that I understand your feelings but, seeing the pictures you’ve put up I’ll say you’ve no right to complain something like this. I mean, you’ve got what I see a caring husband and THREE of god’s wonderful gifts one could ever receive! There are people in this world who have none of these.

    Anyways, just go to your husband, have a big hug, think why you married him and say with your heart “I Love You Dear”. I’m sure that’ll make you feel better.

  30. Nice Post! Thanks for sharing the story, it was really inspiring and definitely good to read.

  31. I am a mother of three also, dealing with everyday crap. Although I do not work, I am fighting medical battles that take most of my strength. I just had this arguement not too long ago. I felt like you wrote this from my perpestive. Instead of arguing with my husband, however, I was arguing with my own body.

    I wish you the best and I hope we both are able to recover in a timely fashion.

  32. You have articulated your feelings so well. And I’ve heard other women express thoughts like this. I wonder whether everyone considering marriage should sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart about how many children they will consider, and under what circumstances. I don’t know if that’s the answer, but I do know that very few people I know ever really broached this topic before getting married.

  33. Your children are just precious. I wish you the best in your life’s journey.

  34. Mandi Earl

     /  September 14, 2010

    Celeste, this could’ve been me writing this blog…you just wrote it for me!

    I feel those exact same emotions and dissapointments when Ron has said ‘no’ to a 3rd child! I also want to rant and rave and throw myself down on the floor! I also want to swear and scream! I also want to plead and beg! But I know that it’ll probably get me nowhere…so I smile, shut down and go my merry way.. but oh boy, it hurts!

    But still….I hang on to that little bit of hope..that little glimmer…that some day, somewhere he will come to me and say…let’s try for a little girl! I just pray that that some day comes soon…my biological clock is ticking!

    Take care, my friend…hope you feel better soon! xx

    • reluctantmom

       /  September 14, 2010

      Kennith has taken to introducing our kids as “this is number one, this is number two and this is the last one…”

      Thanks for that Mandi – I do know how you feel, Kennith also initially said “no” to number three and I decided to just leave it until he decided to come around.

      But it is hard when someone else tells us something that we want to do … and no matter what they say or the reasoning it still hurts …. (we are in Jhb next weekend on the evening of the 24th, any chance of us seeing you before we fly off) xxx

  35. I completely understand you feeling “like an insolent six year old who was being told off by her father and being warned that behavior in this regard would not be further tolerated.” my husband provokes the exact same emotional response with me.

    Unfortunately I every so often throw a tantrum that would earn me an oscar but mostly I also just put up those barriers, make myself emotionally unavailable and sit in my shell and mope for days.

    There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I hope you feel better soon though xx

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