Catch you on the flip side ….

We are off to Drakensberg to celebrate the wedding of John and Natalie.    We are so thrilled for them, and dead excited to be part of their wedding.

We fly to Durban in the morning.  Then we drive up to the Drakensberg (I have never been to the Drakensberg and my geography is pretty sketchy, so I am even sure I am 100% sure exactly where it is.  But Kennith seems to know and we have a GPS, so no doubt I can read my Kindle and not worry my pretty head about details like directions.)

The idea is to stay there and do what ever it is that people do in the Drakensberg, attend the fabulous wedding, and hang out with a group of friends who will be joining us there.

Next Friday we drive up to Johannesburg, and stay there a few days.  Seeing more friends and just hanging around sort of stuff.

On Sunday we get to squeeze into a stadium with a few thousand people screaming for Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen.  Of course I am sure that Bono will stare into the crowd, and see me back in row 175 and seat 54. and pluck me from the crowd so he can sing me a personalized version of “With or Without You!”

Nothing like a bit of delusional ism to keep you going.

The thing about this trip is we are doing it sans kids.

Usually there would be a split about now in terms of reaction.

Some moms are going to go: “Fabulous, lucky you, wish I could get a break from my set!”

Then there is the second set who are dialing ChildLine as they read this and thinking: ”Who does this woman think she is abandoning her children to go gallivanting all over the country side.  The scandal.   The indignation!”

Then there is a third set which would usually gasp a bit and go: “I could never leave my junior, I couldn’t be away from them for that long.”

I usually am okay with some adult time away from our kids, but I am actually not okay with it right now.  It is also a long time.  We leave Friday and we are back Monday after next.

It is too long, and I have been stressed and anxious this entire week, and right now I actually do not want to go.  I miss Isabelle too much already and I have not even left the house, so this week is going to be torture.  I appear to have moved from the first set of moms to the third set.

I felt out of sorts yesterday, and last night and this morning I have been totally out of sorts.

I woke up around 2am this morning and just could not sleep.  I just felt anxious and stress, and wanted to wake Kennith up and tell him that I was fine to fly to the Drakensberg to attend the wedding, but then wanted to fly home, and then I would fly back to attend the concert, but I did not want to stay away that long.

But I didn’t as I knew he would probably freak his bean, and then we would have a huge fight.

It wasn’t like I had not known about this trip 4 months ago.  I had.  I just had not paid much attention to it.  But it is here now.

My bags are packed, but I am loathe to leave tomorrow morning, but there we go, I am leaving, and it is meant to be this great week, but I am dreading it.    Listen it is a great week that has been planned, and actually I have had to do nothing.  Kennith has organized everything, all I am doing is arriving, but the problem is that because I know how much I am going to miss the kids – and how bad I feel being away from them – I think will take a bit of the smile off this week.

So there we go, I am out of here for a week.  I am going to miss my kids crazy, and especially  Isabelle.  Just tying this is making me feel even sadder.

As my penance I am going for a full body wax at 7am.  I thought I would do it without taking a Syndol just as punishment for abandoning my kids.

<just as extra penance, I was so out of it this morning, I put this stuff called AO Sept – which is like acid for your contact lenses – directly into my right eye ball this morning.

It burnt like a m*therf*cker.  I can’t actually tell you how much it burnt without the aid of profanity.

I thought my cornea was being dislodged from my eyeball.  We are not talking mild discomfort, we are talking silent-scream-while-you-bang-your-feet-on-the-floor-and-claw-at-your-eyeball pain!   I actually called my optom friend because I thought clearly it would require an eyeball transplant or something.

I spent the day walking around with an eye that is so blood shot it looks like I am bleeding to death – I have just started a new job, so that looked totally fantastic.  It was agony and I was in mild to severe discomfort for the entire day.

It is still pretty red and feels pretty grim – oh joy, possibly it will hide my crying tomorrow morning…>

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14 Comments

  1. Trish

     /  February 25, 2011

    Stumbled upon your website/blog and am LOVING it. I too am a mom of three (6yrs, 3.5 yrs, and 22 month old). I am in the thick of it and question my motivation and my situation EVERY day! Your anecdotes, stories, thoughts and reflections have made me smile, cry, laugh out loud and have made me feel less ALONE! This is the hardest job in the world. I work part time (but as a Speech Pathologist specializing in birth-5yrs, “work” means getting away from my own kids to spend time with (and often be nicer to…) someone else’s child/ren than my own! Then I come home, and the sh*t hits the fan and I pack them all in the car to get them out of the house so I can resist the very strong temptation to crouch in the corner and CRY 🙂

    BTW, just two weeks ago I did the EXACT same thing with the contact lense solution and was convinced I had shriveled my eye ball and permanently blinded myself. The first thing I thought –after I clawed my contact lense back out of my eye socket was “how in the world am I gng to keep after my three kids with one shriveled, blinded eye??”

    I understand you on so many different levels. Thanks!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 25, 2011

      Hey there – I am glad my stuff resonates with you. The reason I started blogging – originally – was because nothing made sense to me and I felt really alone. I felt like I was just different to other moms, and my issues were bigger/harder/tougher more than other mother’s had to deal with.

      I also beat myself up no end by the fact that I did not fit in, that I was not more like them. Guilt is a hard pony to ride!

      Blogging has helped me purge, and it has also made me realise that I am not as alone as I thought I was – sure I am clearly not as unique as I thought I was either – but more importantly there are other moms like me out there and that for some reason makes me feel a bit saner and a bit happier.

      I am glad you get me – and I get excited when someone does!! xxx

      Reply
  2. Hmmm… I am in the third group, except x 100. I am already stressing about leaving my child with HER DAD for two days and one night while I am away to be the ‘best’ bridesmaid to my best friend in March.

    I am making all sorts of plans for her to be okay, but I think I’m the one who’s going to feel it most.

    However, I hope you enjoy your week, can be great to go away and apparently the Drakensberg is GORGEOUS!

    Reply
  3. Helen

     /  February 6, 2011

    Um, I don’t mean to offend but ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FEKKING MIND WOMAN?! Run out that door. Don’t dawdle now I mean sprint. And be a duck and leave the details of whichever crazy person is watching your kids as i’d like to add my 9 month old… Have fun!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 14, 2011

      Thanks Helen!!

      Reply
      • The friend that made you do it

         /  February 15, 2011

        I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you which kind of mom I am, think our hedonistic weekend with you should have given you enough evidence. It was absolutely fantastic to see you guys and the hangover was worth it! just a pity Bono didn’t realise that it should have been one of us up there with him, stupid ass!

        Reply
  4. Ag flip, you know, I would loooove to be away from the kids for a week alone, but we decided not to do it last year for our 10th anniversary because we simply thought it was too soon. They are still too young and I am still to teary…

    Reply
  5. LoriF

     /  February 4, 2011

    Part of being a mom – never being able to take a fab trip without the guilt. But they will be FINE!!! Enjoy yourself

    Reply
  6. Sharon

     /  February 4, 2011

    I think I’m with you in the 3rd group as well. While the idea of a week long vacation without changing a poo nappy sounds wonderful in theory, practically I think I’d be just as anxious and as stressed as you.
    However, I’m with Joanne! A few cocktails should help numb the anxiety!
    Have a great time!

    Reply
  7. joanne

     /  February 4, 2011

    I can completely relate, do find though that cocktails assist in ‘fading’ these feelings a little, sure wine will have the same effect

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 14, 2011

      Yes, wine it appears does make the heart less sad, also gives you the ability to dance like a demon (even without the correct music, and a total disregard for co-ordination!)

      Reply
  8. Noid and I eloped to the Drakensberg ….think of me while u there!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 14, 2011

      It is undoubtedly one of the most exquisite pieces of the world I have ever been to …. mouth dropping stuff.

      Reply
  9. I think you’ll still have fun, even though you’ll miss the little people. Hope you do have fun.

    Reply

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