Maybe not everyone is the cookie cutter mommy …..

I have mentioned that I chat on Moomie – it is basically a forum geared towards  moms or moms to be, or moms trying to be moms or freaks who like to listen to moms talk about nappies and cracked nipples.

I didn’t switch on to chatting on forums until about 15 months ago, and it is this place where people chat about just about everything.

I really wish I had done it earlier, it is so much cheaper than therapy. 

You get to emotionally vomit about stuff that you want to speak about.  The bizarre (or not so bizarre depending on your vantage point) thing is that what you say – what you have aching say/reveal – will resonate with someone and they will go “yes, me too, me too!”

And then you get to sigh and go, thank g&wd I am not totally out of my tree.

Forums are great for that – they give me that “space” I need to often discuss something that has been bubbling inside for ages, and sometimes just saying it out loud to a group who understands is so affirming – which might explain why Alcoholics Anonymous works so well.

For me I do not really have someone to sit and chat to about how I struggle with motherhood or children as my friends do not have kids.  Of course my friends can pat me on the shoulder, pour me a glass of wine and nod sagely while I go off and spittle forms on my chin – and I am so blessed that they do that for me (and often supply the wine as part of the arrangement).

Even with the best intentions, they cannot REALLY understand my rants and at the same time, they cannot rant back with me about the same subject – which is really what you need to remind you that you are not going certifiably crazy.

I do wish I had cottoned on to forums sooner.  It really would have saved my medical aid bills a ton.  And I might have spent a lot less time screaming at Kennith for something that probably was not his fault in the first place.

Recently someone brought up the subject of mother and baby magazines and what we buy and read.  My problem with mother and baby magazines is generally – and I say this with the utmost respect for publishers, editors and journalists – that they are actually sh*t.

Everything about them is so “saccharine sweet” and politically correct.  The moms all look like they have spent two hours with a hairdryer and a makeup artist, and have that Mona Lisa blissful smile as they stare into the lens – with their left hand on their lap – so you can see their wedding ring.

They are all so darn happy and rosy cheeked that unfortunately it does not nothing for me, and makes me feel even more awkward.  I want real moms saying what they really feel – and that is why forums are so great (and blogs actually!)

The mommy and baby articles are lackluster at the best of days, and it just feels like the same sad information being rehashed.  There is nothing that I feel I can sink my teeth in to or go “wow never looked at it like that”. 

The highlight, for me, tends to be the back pages where the advertiser are.  That is pretty much the extent of my interest in these magazines.

Any the who.  Someone on the forum wanted to know what would encourage us to buy a magazine. 

I realized this was a rather pointless activity as articles that would interest me would alienate half the population, and unfortunately only attract advertisers who were promoting wine, strippers, cheap dinners out and photography gear.

However that being said, these are the kind of articles I would like to see written by distinguished investigative journalists without the aid of stock photography, and copy and paste from google (I had originally posted a similiar list on Moomie):

Article 1

I want his sperm, but then I would prefer it if he did not come near me again for the next 3 – 12 months.

Article 2
Why reasoning with a pregnant woman is a total waste of time.  And other tips for survival aimed at partners/husbands.

Article 3
Why advertisers guilt moms into buying sh*t they do not need. Tips on how to see that crap is still crap, even if it is painted pink or blue.

Article 4
How much sh*t should I put up with from my mother in law until I tell her to shove off? 52 tips like this, one for each week.

Article 5

Why are so many sh*tty creches allowed to trade? We discover the real truth behind these hell holes and speak to parents who have no option to leave their kids there.

Article 6

Crap Pay = Crap Nannies.  Why you get what you pay for – Eve vs Madam.

Article 7

Why exactly has the employer not been forced to pay maternity benefits – and how do woman actually cope with 4 months of unemployment when they need the money the most and they do not have a financially contributing partner? We do an in-depth investigation of this issue, and how it affects women today.

Article 8

Research into Men being able to carry babies put on hold – until the question on maternity benefits paid by UIF has been resolved.  Stunning expose!

Article 9

10 reasons why it is okay to hate your husband as he sleeps and expects you to wake up 6 times during the night. Free couple counseling voucher included with this issue.

Article 10

I love my husband, but why is he acting like a special needs person and seems to have no clue how to do ANYTHING correctly. Tests husbands can take to see if they are acting like a total moron, pencil is included so they do not have to ask you where the pencils are kept.

Article 11

Tips on how to deal with the pushy nurse in the maternity section of your hospital. Written by 2nd or 3rd time moms who have this concept waxed.

Article 12

Signs that you are losing your mind – and it is okay because other moms are also crying in the bathroom at 2am – they just don’t tell you.  Secret photos included.

Article 13

Lies moms tell!  Why they continue the stereotype that all moms are happy fulfilled creatures, and why there is a small group who disagree, and are not afraid to speak out.

Article 14

How to prepare a fun snack of Flings, Oros and day old toast for your toddler. Recipes included.

Article 15

25 tips on how to tell people to p*ss off when they stop you to give you advise, when you have not asked for it.

Article 16
How to choose the birthing method that works for you.  And how to tell people who keep trying to “correct” you to f*ck right off.

Article 17

Medical Aidsthe love-hate relationship with Moms. Exposed!!

Article 18

The Secret of how to actually sleep when your baby sleeps – the myth uncovered. Next month we look at the Loch Ness Monster, another phenomenon people talk about but no one has ever seen.

Article 19

Moms who give up on losing weight, and decide instead to embrace their bodies, drink wine and embrace a bag of Chuckles at the same time as flicking the bird at the moms who are slightly obsessive. Diet not included!

Article 20

How to leave your child in the care of a carer/babysitter/husband without any guilt …. and more tips to surviving the first three months.

Article 21

How not to roll your eyes at a new mom when you hear them gushing during their pregnancy.  When this is all they talk about – while you actually want to slap some sense into them, but instead smile sweetly and say “how lovely!”

Article 22

How to get your partner to realise that you will kill him if he dares to approach you sexually within the first 6 – 12 weeks. You will make the first move when you are ready. Win a taser (with a special LCD light – so you can find it if you drop it in the bedroom) to use on your partner if he comes near you.

Article 23

How not to stress when your baby is not eating/drinking like other babiesit is okay, babies do not read the charts, they do what they want and everyone gets there eventually.

Article 24

Why Mother and Baby Groups are for the insane …. and how to get yourself out of themPart 1 of the Cult Group Series.

Article 25

Believe it or not, you make a wonderful pregnancy person but we do not want to see every f*kn moment on Facebook or Twitter …. really!! How to interact with people and survive 45 minutes without discussing your children or your pregnancy … Part 1 of a series of 5 of how to break this frustrating habit.

Article 26

How not to feel guilty because you might not bond with your baby immediately.  Moms show you how to “fake it ‘til you make it” in the first 6 weeks, when you feel absolutely no connection at all.

Article 27

Breast feeding is wonderful – but it is not actually the Alpha and the Omega.  Lists of Mensa members who were not breastfed as babies and are okay today.  Bill Gates and Robert Murdoch reveal all.

Article 28

The newer the mom, the bigger the pram …. and other interesting observations made by our roving reporter.

Article 30

Stay at Home Moms and Working Moms finally agree on a Truce.  Thabo Mbeki very happy with outcome of peace talks.

Article 31

Resident Psychologist answers: Why it is okay to love your baby, but not like them all the time.  This question answered, and others posed by readers.

Okay I am going to stop now, as you can see, I could/would just go on forever at this rate!

Advertisements
Leave a comment

24 Comments

  1. That was well funny. Please can you send that taser gun my way now… and my son is 3 years old already, I have a lot of ‘tasering’ to make up for.

    Reply
  2. Wahaha hysterical!

    Reply
  3. I need to the one on sleeping husbands.

    Reply
  4. i want to read them all! You should send a copy to all the magazines 😉

    Reply
  5. Brilliant articles!! On number 31 you can also substitute baby with husband!!

    Reply
  6. You are on form with this post! Very funny!

    Reply
  7. suestuart

     /  February 25, 2011

    Please send articles 9, 10 and 18 my way when done! Love your list, all so true 🙂

    Reply
  8. Sharon

     /  February 25, 2011

    Celeste, you should totally send your list to Living & Loving! They have a “new” editor and since she took over I have started reading L&L every month and its THE ONLY parenting/baby mag I read as its the only one that seems “real”!
    And I LOVE your list of articles, I swear we could start our own “alternative parenting” mag and I could help you co-write those articles!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 25, 2011

      I think I would have the coolest job if I could write a coloumn about parenting or how to avoid parenting or how to parent and drink wine …. you know, that sort of theme!

      It does concern me that this stuff sits in my head …. but better out than in, as Shrek says!

      Reply
  9. Been following your blog for ages, but always been to shy to comment. LOVE your writing.

    Thanks for this, funniest thing I’ve read in ages! Article 14 had me in stitches…

    Reply
  10. This is farking brilliant!

    I think we should start a magazine – I reckon it would be a HIT!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 25, 2011

      Totally, it might have a readership of 5 – but it would be so much fun to put together!!

      Reply
  11. Nisey

     /  February 25, 2011

    that was a good giggle!

    Reply
  12. The friend that made you do it

     /  February 25, 2011

    Would hate it if you were the Cookie-Cutter type – love you just the way you are. You always keep it real and that makes you a special addition to my life, you don’t hide away from your feelings, even if they make you (or anyone else uncomfortable). You’ve taught so many lessons, the most important of which has been that others may think differently to you (or me) but that doesn’t make either you or me wrong, just different.

    Reply
  13. Anna f

     /  February 24, 2011

    Dit was nou die beste leesstof in ‘n lang tyd! Ek het 4 kinders , oudste in gr 12 en jongste in gr4 , ek stem met ALLES saam !!

    Reply
  14. Jenny

     /  February 24, 2011

    Hi I’m the editor of Your Pregnancy. I loved this! Laughed out loud and may steal those ideas

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 25, 2011

      Ha ha – no doubt your circulation figures will drop dramatically, but you will have many moms laughing in the aisles or crying in admiration!! Call me if you ever need an OutLaw reporter to write a coloumn.

      Reply
      • Chloe

         /  November 9, 2015

        Just make sure that you print a massive warning “Please insert panty liners or other incontinence attire before reading” as we all know that when you laugh too hard or start running to grab your copy before they all go, those trillions of pelvic floor exercises we were all supposed to do (but didn’t, or gave up after about 4) will catch up with us!

        I love your blog, as a Mother of 6 boys (1 severely autistic, 2 aspergers syndrome, 1 ADHD and 1 developmentally delayed) it means so much to me that there are indeed other Mums out there as knackered and exasperated as me and who scream at their kids as much as I do but equally feel bad about it after (well, sometimes anyway). Thank you for keeping it real and for making me laugh so much. You truly are a Godsend to Mothers everywhere (I always use a capital letter for the words Mum (I’m from the UK) and Mother as we are bloody important and deserve it!)

        Reply
  15. Christelle

     /  February 24, 2011

    I’m sending this to Living and Loving!!

    Reply
  16. Momto1

     /  February 24, 2011

    Love the “Thabo Mbeki happy with the peace talks” hehehehe 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: