And the hits just keep coming …..

I have a very simple theory to prevent yourself being pummelled to death with a doughnut.  It has worked well for me over the years, and I am about to impart it to you ….. so prepare yourself.

It goes like this: “Never EVER ask if someone is pregnant, or when they are due.  Unless YOU HAVE SEEN a fetal baby scan photo that the person has shown you in the last hour.  Alternatively if you have actually seen a head crowning between that woman’s legs.  I personally think the head crowning is a much safer measure”

Those are the only sure fire indicators that a woman might/may well be pregnant – and unless you see one, either or both of these indicators, NEVER ASK IF SOMEONE IS PREGNANT.

Just don’t.

The problem is if you ask, and the answer is no, well then you are screwed.  There is actually just no way to recover, and that person will hate you FOR.E.VER and E.VE.R!!

Even if they say “no it is okay, I get it all the time” it is not fine, and they will hate you and you are a chop!

I have had a few corkers in my time:-

1.  I was at Tech and first day in a lecture, put up my hand and asked the lecturer when she goes on maternity leave will there be someone filling in for her ….. she then explained to me that she was not pregnant and had a little bloating.

You know that moment when you realise that no matter what you do in a course, you are going to just not do well.

<and since then I have never asked another soul if they are pregnant – that was my moment of learning>

2.  I went to a business dinner with Kennith and some suppliers from the East a few years back – I think it was in 2007.  Dinner was going famously, until one of the guests leaned over and asked me when I was due.

The problem is that I did not quite hear her and had to ask again.  By that point, I had heard her, the entire table had heard her and so too had the parking guard out  in the parking area.   I was mortified!

And really cheesed off.  It was not because I was overweight, it was because of the shirt I chose that was clearly a bit too flowy ….. that must be it ……….that shirt found it’s way to the dustbin pronto.

3.  Kennith’s cousin’s dad also asked me if I was pregnant and I think that was around 2008.  He is a small man and at the time was lying on a low couch watching television – I used the excuse that his perceptive of vanishing points was all wonky, because he was lying down.

Of course I did want to kick him in the nuts as well, but I didn’t – he is sort of loosely family!

4.  Then my latest and greatest was we were in Johannesburg last month and on the Gautrain on our way to the stadium for the U2 concert.  Train was pretty full, and a guy offered me his seat.

I thought nice guy – well he did not offer me his seat as much as he offered to scoot over and sit really close to his mate and make space for me.  I thought it was my charming personality and the slight sway I had in my step from the bottle and a half of wine at lunch.

So I thanked him for his manners and queried why he was kind enough to offer a space to me and not to the other girls on the train ….. he said something about ‘someone in your condition’….and I thought ‘well, yes I have been drinking, but it is not like I have to drive the train…..’ and then the penny dropped.   I think the penny did not drop as much as I heard Kennith giggling …… and then the penny sort of echo’d into the tin that is my brain.

Someone with more principles would have kneed him in the scrotum and stumbled off all offended, but I accepted I had a seat …. and proceeded to really think about my waistline a bit and whether I really should have eaten that full portion of ribs for lunch ……

Anyway, so all in all, I am not exactly riding the wave of good vibes right now ….. I do really think that I am going to have a total sense of humour failure quite soon what with my age and my pregnancy and all.

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14 Comments

  1. Lizz

     /  March 9, 2011

    Ive followed the instructions on a web page I accidently stumbled upon. After three months, I lost over 15 kg(33lbs).
    If you’re interested, read more about it on http://foxmuldyr.com/looseweight .

    Reply
  2. John B

     /  March 8, 2011

    about half a split second before saying to someone recently “So, are you getting into run because you enjoy running, or because you are loosing weight for the wedding next month?”, I relaised that maybe I should think the question through a second time, then decided not to ask. may have left me with a free weekend in April…. close one.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 8, 2011

      You are a clever lad John, you are a clever lad …….

      Reply
  3. Totally agree! Never ever ask! I was also asked a few weeks ago, and I just had to say “No, I am just fat!”
    I never ever want to see that guy again, and tries to duck. But when I do see him now, all that hover between us is that question…

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 8, 2011

      No matter what happens there will always be that question ….. oh so true!

      Reply
  4. Janine

     /  March 8, 2011

    I’ve had this happen to me and boy is it mortifying!! Luckily, when I’m angry, I seem to find the right retort. (It is a gift for which I am eternally grateful!) I just said “Oh no! I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat!” The conversation ended there and then and I walked off leaving the other person feeling very small!! After licking my wounds, I spent the rest of the evening watching them try to avoid me and enjoying their discomfort 🙂

    Reply
  5. Oh I would have so taken that seat and then just answered, “it’s twin skin you know, it never shrinks back”

    Reply
  6. Charne

     /  March 8, 2011

    How funny is this!!!! I got into the lift yesterday and the guy next to me asked: “How many months do you still have left at work?” Took a few seconds for the penny to drop for me as well.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 8, 2011

      We really should have all the right in the world to stick a pencil in people’s eyes when this happens!!!

      Reply
  7. Sharon

     /  March 8, 2011

    I did a similar thing at one of Walters work functions recently. I was laughing and making fun of one of one of his male colleagues because he had this big red mark on the back of his thigh, so me, thinking I’m a comedian, laughs and says out loud – “look someone gave him a donkey bite on the back of the leg!!!” harharharhar!
    Only have my husband swing around and tell me to shut it that the guy has very severe eczema and is very self conscious about it! YIKES! I wish I could have just dropped dead in that moment!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 8, 2011

      “look someone gave him a donkey bite on the back of the leg!!!” …………….. I am so glad it is not only me who says inappropriate things ……… I am starting to wonder if it is possible for me not to say inappropriate things!!

      Reply
  8. Man I laughed. After I had Benjamin, I was still asked if I was pregnant for a good while. Sometimes it’s just easier to be like “Yep, the baby is due in August.” than going through all the post-comment drama.

    ‘….and I thought ‘well, yes I have been drinking, but it is not like I have to drive the train…..’ -HAHAHAHAHA.

    Reply
  9. Ha! I’ve seen people make the pregnancy comment mistake before. Eeek. Just thinking about it gives me the willies.

    That is one mistake I will never make. I’m not sure why people continue to take the risk of making that statement haven’t they seen the Seinfeld episode where Kramer makes that mistake. 😀

    Hmmmm…..people keep asking….are you sure you aren’t? 😀

    I kid.

    Glad you have a sense of humor about it but at the same time I know it stings.

    I wish I had words of wisdom on this matter to impart but I am tired and as today is my birthday, I am one year older and feeling every minute of it. My brain appears to have run out of energy for the day.

    The Grumpy Man

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 8, 2011

      Happy birthday – we can talk soon about how we envy Hugh Hefner and the fact that he stays in his silk jammies every day!

      Reply

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