The quiet before the storm …

There is no denying that I am probably in the throngs of a full-fledged depressive episode.  Can’t say when it started, but it is without a doubt here in its full rather grim glory. 

Which is fantastic.

I think there have been too many things that have occurred, and they are not isolated events, they are symptoms of something else at play.  Not sure what the something else is either.

I have felt a bit “out of it” for more than a week – and even today I feel like I have a hangover.  I am not following exactly what is going on, I feel like I am in a tunnel, and everyone is sort of over there and I am right down this side and can’t quite get to them, or hear them clearly.

My head throbs – which is unusual, I do not usually have a headache – however Panado, Myprodol, or anything capsule like lying in my bag has definitely been my friend this week. 

I can hear and feel the exaggerated thudding of my heart beating – which is not normal, unless I am running up stairs.

I do hope the increased heart beat and the additional adrenaline leads to weight loss, but I am not terribly optimistic (however that might just be a side effect of the depression, and maybe the weight is falling off me in sheets at the moment and I am just too depressed to realise it.  Just maybe.)

I am so drained and exhausted I can hardly explain it. 

I feel frayed (not as in the Afrikaans “to have been loved” but in the English “piece of material that is falling apart at the edges.”)

All in all a bit disorientating. 

But it is what it is, and all I can do is brace myself for the inevitable downslide, and warn Kennith to baton down the hatches, because it is going to be a bumpy ride – and not in the way he would like.

Sunday we had a super baby shower for our very dear friends, Joyce and Leon, and celebrated that Kirsten would be joining them on the 21 April – we are all so excited for them.

The best part about a baby shower is the surprise factor – I think if you have that sorted, then you can tick all the blocks. It was a lovely day and many a tear was shed. 

Of course the issue with planning a baby shower, the same as planning a dinner for three, becomes a huge stressful endeavor for me.  Because I stress about everything.  EVERY THING!   

It does not matter if there are 3 people or 33 people, my level of anxiety is far out of synch with what is actually going on, and I am totally over reacting.  I know this, I see this, but I can’t change it.

By the time the guests arrived I have screamed at Kennith, and the kids, and resorted to giving the nanny the silent treatment. 

It is all very dire and quite unpleasant. 

Some people are wonderful hosts – my friend Alice is like that.  Guests arrive and she will swan into the lounge wearing perfect makeup, hair done, clean clothes and a just hint of Chanel # 5, while she smiles and greets everyone with double air kisses.

I aspire to be that sort of hostess. 

In my world people arrive, I usually have saliva spittle on my chin, a slight crazed look in my eye, and my fly is unzipped.  Not in a sexual come hither way, but more in a I-rushed-to-the-toilet-and-forgot-to-pull-it-up-sort of way, which of course makes them wonder if I had taken the time to wash my hands? 

And then they have that thought in their head the entire day – and as I am usually handing food when they arrive, it sort of sets a thought process that they now can’t move away from.

But besides me being me, it was a lovely baby shower.

I finally got to meet the legend that is Lisa and Travers.  I intend to stalk Lisa and make her my best friend in the whole world; she just does not realize it yet. 

Travers, throw some wood on the braai, we are coming over with my box of Drosty-Hof Extra Light!

My next group-support-room-full-of-broken-limping women is on Friday night.  I have not quite recovered from the Viva La V.ul.va video and experience as yet, and am still having flash backs (and have that faraway look in my eyes like a war veteran).  I still have not done the personal exam, and am unsure that I will be getting there.

Why?

Well as a precursor to the next class I now have a double DVD called “The Wonders of Mas.tur.b.a.t.i.on.”  The fact that it is 4 episodes and extends over two DVDs is beyond concerning.   Seriously what are you doing with yourself for that period of time?  However I have not actually put the DVD into anything that plays yet.  It is still in the shame bag and I am just too mortified to look.

I am traumatized and I haven’t even taken them out of the DVD covers yet.

So I need to get over that hurdles (or hurl) this week before Friday night.

Kids started school this week – fabulous.  Just in time for them to go on holiday for two weeks, again.  I seriously do not know what moms do who do not have holiday programs at schools.  Fortunately mine just carry on like normal, just in casual clothes.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with an educational psychologist to assess Georgia. 

I also have her booked at a child psychiatrist and a pediatrician who specializes in attention disorders.  Kennith feels I am over reacting, but in my defense I have cancelled three other assessments with three other specialists, so I think I have it pretty well under control as I have it down to three, which seems reasonable for me.

So that is where I am.

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