The quiet before the storm …

There is no denying that I am probably in the throngs of a full-fledged depressive episode.  Can’t say when it started, but it is without a doubt here in its full rather grim glory. 

Which is fantastic.

I think there have been too many things that have occurred, and they are not isolated events, they are symptoms of something else at play.  Not sure what the something else is either.

I have felt a bit “out of it” for more than a week – and even today I feel like I have a hangover.  I am not following exactly what is going on, I feel like I am in a tunnel, and everyone is sort of over there and I am right down this side and can’t quite get to them, or hear them clearly.

My head throbs – which is unusual, I do not usually have a headache – however Panado, Myprodol, or anything capsule like lying in my bag has definitely been my friend this week. 

I can hear and feel the exaggerated thudding of my heart beating – which is not normal, unless I am running up stairs.

I do hope the increased heart beat and the additional adrenaline leads to weight loss, but I am not terribly optimistic (however that might just be a side effect of the depression, and maybe the weight is falling off me in sheets at the moment and I am just too depressed to realise it.  Just maybe.)

I am so drained and exhausted I can hardly explain it. 

I feel frayed (not as in the Afrikaans “to have been loved” but in the English “piece of material that is falling apart at the edges.”)

All in all a bit disorientating. 

But it is what it is, and all I can do is brace myself for the inevitable downslide, and warn Kennith to baton down the hatches, because it is going to be a bumpy ride – and not in the way he would like.

Sunday we had a super baby shower for our very dear friends, Joyce and Leon, and celebrated that Kirsten would be joining them on the 21 April – we are all so excited for them.

The best part about a baby shower is the surprise factor – I think if you have that sorted, then you can tick all the blocks. It was a lovely day and many a tear was shed. 

Of course the issue with planning a baby shower, the same as planning a dinner for three, becomes a huge stressful endeavor for me.  Because I stress about everything.  EVERY THING!   

It does not matter if there are 3 people or 33 people, my level of anxiety is far out of synch with what is actually going on, and I am totally over reacting.  I know this, I see this, but I can’t change it.

By the time the guests arrived I have screamed at Kennith, and the kids, and resorted to giving the nanny the silent treatment. 

It is all very dire and quite unpleasant. 

Some people are wonderful hosts – my friend Alice is like that.  Guests arrive and she will swan into the lounge wearing perfect makeup, hair done, clean clothes and a just hint of Chanel # 5, while she smiles and greets everyone with double air kisses.

I aspire to be that sort of hostess. 

In my world people arrive, I usually have saliva spittle on my chin, a slight crazed look in my eye, and my fly is unzipped.  Not in a sexual come hither way, but more in a I-rushed-to-the-toilet-and-forgot-to-pull-it-up-sort of way, which of course makes them wonder if I had taken the time to wash my hands? 

And then they have that thought in their head the entire day – and as I am usually handing food when they arrive, it sort of sets a thought process that they now can’t move away from.

But besides me being me, it was a lovely baby shower.

I finally got to meet the legend that is Lisa and Travers.  I intend to stalk Lisa and make her my best friend in the whole world; she just does not realize it yet. 

Travers, throw some wood on the braai, we are coming over with my box of Drosty-Hof Extra Light!

My next group-support-room-full-of-broken-limping women is on Friday night.  I have not quite recovered from the Viva La V.ul.va video and experience as yet, and am still having flash backs (and have that faraway look in my eyes like a war veteran).  I still have not done the personal exam, and am unsure that I will be getting there.

Why?

Well as a precursor to the next class I now have a double DVD called “The Wonders of Mas.tur.b.a.t.i.on.”  The fact that it is 4 episodes and extends over two DVDs is beyond concerning.   Seriously what are you doing with yourself for that period of time?  However I have not actually put the DVD into anything that plays yet.  It is still in the shame bag and I am just too mortified to look.

I am traumatized and I haven’t even taken them out of the DVD covers yet.

So I need to get over that hurdles (or hurl) this week before Friday night.

Kids started school this week – fabulous.  Just in time for them to go on holiday for two weeks, again.  I seriously do not know what moms do who do not have holiday programs at schools.  Fortunately mine just carry on like normal, just in casual clothes.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with an educational psychologist to assess Georgia. 

I also have her booked at a child psychiatrist and a pediatrician who specializes in attention disorders.  Kennith feels I am over reacting, but in my defense I have cancelled three other assessments with three other specialists, so I think I have it pretty well under control as I have it down to three, which seems reasonable for me.

So that is where I am.

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17 Comments

  1. I am at the exact exact same place! Well, about from having to examine my vagina this week and all that.
    Sometimes I hate it when you’re depressed. Really. Because I figure, I am so depressed and messing up and this and that in my 20s. I am EXCITED to be in my 30s and more mature, settled, organized and (dare I say it) happy.
    Then you get depressed and I’m like hell no.. sort your sh*t out : ) You’re me in a few years and my only hope at this point. No pressure. Be happy. Right now.
    xxx

    Reply
    • (Sorry that you’re unhappy right now. It sucks)

      Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  April 13, 2011

      Thanks chick, yes do wish I had a happy pill or a happy switch, but still looking for it – most days I am okay with content, content is good – but right now I am not there either, but I do try and take refuge in that it will pass, and it is a phase, and I will get to the other side …… eventualy …

      Reply
  2. Joyce

     /  April 12, 2011

    Celeste, don’t be so hard on yourself!! You managed to pull off a very successful and beautifully done baby shower and to keep it a secret and you managed to keep your fly closed! It was such a nice day for me (partly because you kept your fly closed), thank you SO much!!! And then you went and surprised me even more by having Travers and Lisa there! Can’t wait to have a good old KUIER together. Hope the downer doesn’t last too long… maybe (hopefully) it doesn’t even happen!!! J-xxx

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  April 12, 2011

      Thanks Joyce – glad you enjoyed it.
      Unfortunately the downer is here, and has beem coming for at least two weeks, not sure why I always ignore these things, but any the who.
      It really was nice to see everyone and meet the Lisa, Travers and Isabella in the flesh.

      Reply
  3. Bevan

     /  April 12, 2011

    Would now be a bad time to ask if you’re running the Two Oceans half marathon in, um, 10 days?

    Reply
  4. Countess Kaz

     /  April 12, 2011

    OK, firstly…calm the heck down gal! Stop being so hard on yourself. I think your’e nervous about tomorrow, but are scurrying about in an attempt to keep busy and not think about it. Just bite off smaller chunks. Georgia WILL be fine. You’ll cope with whatever they say. What’s the worst that can happen? You have your awesome husband, three kids and Pepe at your side. Stop taking everything onto your shoulders. Go for a walk….or take a half hour to do something that you love and only involves you. You need to put yourself first sometimes.

    Reply
  5. julz

     /  April 12, 2011

    Neil cringes when I say I am having people over. I go completely off my mind cleaning and doing arb things around the house as everything has to be perfect.

    I do leave time to do my hair and make up so I give the false impression that all is under control, but usually by the time guests arrive, Neil has been shouted at, Dylan has been sent to his room just because and the dogs let themselves out quitely.

    Maybe you should first get the tantric sex DVD before the double m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.i.o.n DVD.

    Good luck for tomorrow and all the other appointments that lie ahead and take it one step at a time. For the rest of the time just smile and wave. Smile and wave.

    Reply
  6. Sharon

     /  April 12, 2011

    Well, Celeste, you may just have to share Lisa-Marie with me! And FYI – I LOVE to entertain, so I suggest the two of you prepare for my next visit to Cape Town, we can drink lots of wine till we fall down and have a great time together!

    I hope that the bout of depression is manageable and passes quickly!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  April 12, 2011

      That sounds like a fabulous plan …. though I am still not quite on the wine wagon yet …….

      Reply
    • To Love Bella

       /  April 12, 2011

      YEAAAAAH!!!

      Reply
  7. Good on you for seeing the signs and good luck for the rest of the week.

    As to Georgia – just mention them to look at Sensory integration disorder – which is a neurological, not psychological problem, but maybe she has the background. It is on the attention disorder spectrum.

    Reply
  8. TC

     /  April 12, 2011

    I think I love you – sometimes you describe me to perfection xxx maybe the DVD collection is adding to the heart palpitation ceremony?

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  April 12, 2011

      I can almost guarantee the DVD collection is adding to the heart palpatations!! And again, I haven’t even watched it yet….

      Reply
  9. To Love Bella

     /  April 12, 2011

    Oh my honeypot. Then you and I have something in common. I am terrible when it comes to gatherings as well. In fact, I have been known to take a days’ leave just so that I can sort the house out beforehand. That is how bad it gets.
    We LOVED you guys too – and on the way home, I said to Travs how lovely it would be if we were to see you again.
    I do hope that things start getting better for you this week!
    Oh, and on the holiday program front – in case you are ever in a bind, we have discovered that the Cape Garden Centre (just past Kraaifontein) has a great full day program for children!! Bugz play park, I think it’s called….
    Good luck Cel!!!!!
    xxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

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