Running fast backwards ….

So “Running fast backwards” popped along and left this comment on my blog yesterday (have I told you how much I love comments, I do, I so do …. and I love them when they make me take a moment like this one did.)

Hi RM. I don’t blog; I am rather behind with all this new blogging, tweeting and you tubing stuff.
Any hoo..one day well sitting at my desk, bored out of my skull and completely unable to go on..I stumbled across blogs. It seems that I am addicted to reading other peoples blogs! Almost like my Big Brother addiction I had (when it first came out) how I adore to read and watch others’ lives, I find it fascinating. What I must comment on though is a common theme that I have noticed with all the bloggers that I have read and that is an underlying sadness. Why is it, that we are all so sad? I too am sad, but not in a lie down and cry my eyeballs out sad…just a sadness that I carry along with me that others seldom get to see. So I was wondering, why is it that you think we are all so sad?

Initially I thought “hey chump I am not sad” but then I thought, damn you are probably right.  I might be a tad on the “not happy side” and actually I follow blogs where there is a bit of sad, or huge snotty heaps of it in fact.

I wrote the post “Running fast backwards” commented on with huge tears running down my face.

I cried some more when I re-read it for spelling.  I cried some more when I posted it, and then I continued to cry for two more days.  I realised I had had one of those moments where you really take stock of who you are, and what the hell you are doing –  I have not cried yet today, but it is still early, so give it time. 

So yes “Running fast backwards” you are indeed correct.  A lot of bloggers are sad, but I think the issue is that (and this is purely my own conjecture on the issues) is that we blog because we are sad. 

We are not sad because we blog.

I have often seen bloggers who start blogging because they have or are going through an ordeal or something that is so huge that they need to put “pen to paper” and then when the “thing” is over, they no longer need to blog.  One example, that I have seen, is that a lot of women who are going through IF, seem to lose the urge to blog once they have had a baby or come to a point on the IF journey where they have decided that another journey awaits them. 

They just don’t need this outlet any more.

Blogging is much like journaling.  You journal so you can write down your thoughts, your inner fears and find a way to work through some of your “stuff.”  Often putting it on a page is liberating.  It is a way of facing your own fears – head on. And that is pretty much what we are most afraid of, our darkness and the sadness that lurks within.

I chose to blog versus journal, as I could not find the right ink for the right pen, and the journal with just the right texture of paper to get started. 

I got caught up in the details, amd I made excused why not to get started.

Eventually I figured I would blog – no pen and paper to procrastinate about.  I had a new born baby strapped to my left breast, I had one hand free, I had oodles of time to stare into a screen (as I was not sleeping anyway) I might as well blog.

I can’t see that a person who is so happy with life that they routinely break out into a skip and yodel while in full folk outfit needs much in the way of sitting down and pondering his/her life.  They often know who they are and are so truly happy/content that deep introspective is just not necessary for them. (bless their cotton tidy whities!)

My sense is if you are truly happy, truly happy, you feel a sense that you are a “full and complete human being.”

Unfortunately I don’t ever feel that happy – I aspire to be content.

I started blogging when I had just had my third child.   I started blogging because I had my third child.

I thought I was going to be the perfect mother.  I thought I had dealt with all my shit and it was going to be really wonderful to be at home holding my little pink fluff.  It was all going to be so happy and well, I was going to be so damn good at it too.  I wanted it all so badly and I felt ready at 37, that surely, surely now, I was ready to be a content grown-up person.

I was going to embrace motherhood – with a sense of happiness and confidence that I had never experienced before.

Instead I felt an overriding urge to stab my partner with a fork (in the jugular), fling my child against a wall so she would stop crying, and take as many combinations of ante-depressants and sleeping pills that I could lay my hands on.

It all felt a tad sad and a bit bleak.

Not quite the poster child for the latest Living and Loving Magazine I am afraid.

I started blogging because I had all this stuff that was sitting inside me, stuff that I thought was unique to only me.  I was so broken and so beyond repair that I was unfixable (or so I thought).

I had been in therapy for years, and I had tried various medications and their combinations, tried hypno-therapy, read a couple of self-help books, and spent too much time googling “depresson” and “running away from home.”

Blogging is  – for me – a way of just saying “this is me, this is my stuff, and I am hurting” – the moment I put it out there, and pushed “publish” on some of my subjects I felt a release that I cannot describe to you.

Just putting it out there, made it no longer run around in my head.  I no longer torment myself with some of the thoughts.  I can say things in my blog that I struggle to say out loud – to anyone.

With blogging I started to feel a little more real, a little more present in my own life story.

And then – and here is the wonderful part – when people started to comment on my posts I realized that as unique as I thought I was, I was not that unique. 

There are moms (and people who aren’t moms) like me. 

Who struggle, and who feel that all they see is the photoshopped smiley moms clutching their blue-eyed off-spring, when they are maybe not “those moms.”  Maybe they are the other moms, the moms who are afraid, who wonder why they chose to be moms, why every day is so fucking difficult, or why they are crying in the bathroom at 2am.

So “Running fast backwards” I must confess that you are right, there are a lot of sad blogs out there, and I too find many of them compelling.

Blogging has helped me in ways I can’t even describe.  It is not something I do anymore, it is something I am, and it is something I need. 

And, when I don’t need it anymore, I won’t do it.

Today I need blogging, and fucking hell, I am so glad I have this platform.  I am so glad I get to connect with other bloggers and readers who I allow glimpses into my soul, and who also allow me privilege of seeing bits of them.

Does that make sense?

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15 Comments

  1. Tania

     /  May 13, 2011

    You go Girl !!! If it makes you feel better and even more content, perhaps even slightly HAPPY, <> is that possible??? 🙂 …you continue and sobbing is good too. I bet you have blogged things that many people weren’t even consciously aware they were struggling with.

    Reply
  2. V

     /  May 12, 2011

    You ladies all make such sense. I am also addicted to reading blogs, unfortunately this is about to come to an end as I am moving to a new desk at work and my screen will be more visible to everyone so I might have to actually do some WORK instead of reading blogs all day!! RM I will definitely keep reading yours though, you are one of my faves.

    I started blogging when my daughter was diagnosed with a syndrome, mainly to keep everyone up to date with her progress, then after she died it became an outlet to express my grief. Now I feel I am at a point where I don’t need to get it all out there anymore as my sadness is now in a small corner of my heart, still there but not taking over. I created a new blog to keep people up to date about the new addition to the family but it is more a ‘this is what happened and here is the latest’ than ‘this is how I am feeling’ type of blog.

    So I think yes, many more people do blog when they are sad or confused. When you are happy you don’t really feel such a need to put it out there. Also people who sound terribly sad on their blogs seem totally different IRL as this is where they can go to express themselves and their RL friends would probably not recognise this person writing the blog.
    Anyway, this is all what you guys all said, I just felt the need to say it too!! Could have just said ‘Ditto!’ but you know us bloggers, gotta make a story out of everything!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 12, 2011

      Could have just said ‘Ditto!’ but you know us bloggers, gotta make a story out of everything!

      You are funny – ha ha!

      Reply
  3. I think that everyone is a bit lonely and that’s what makes us all so sad.
    I really think that the content people are those that are so emotionally independent that they aren’t dependent on other people for their happiness.
    I think a lot of people that read our blogs are looking for “company” or someone to relate to or reach out to. Which is also why we blog. We are reaching out and want to be heard. We are desperate for people to hear us and feel our pain and share in our happiness.

    We want to think that we matter. Our feelings matter, our opinions matter, our problems matter.

    Blogging makes us less invisible.

    Maybe that’s just me

    Reply
  4. So insightful and so true!

    I’ve recently become addicted to the world of blogging and I love stepping into someone elses world for those few minutes reading that persons blog.

    It’s so comforting to know there are other moms out there going through the same thing as you. It’s a special community and often your real life friends won’t admit they aren’t coping so you often feel a failure yourself, for feeling inadequate.

    I think your blog rocks!!!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 12, 2011

      It’s a special community and often your real life friends won’t admit they aren’t coping so you often feel a failure yourself, for feeling inadequate.

      The phrase that pays. That is exactly how it is.

      Reply
  5. Running fast backwards

     /  May 12, 2011

    Hi RM, thanks so much for taking time to reply. I was so excited, I was like all “wow I am famous” SERIOUSLY WOW

    I thought alot about my question to you, about all this sad, and I also had an ah ha moment…I tend to be DRAWN to the blogs who have a bit of sad in them, because it makes me feel normal too and I can relate to the bloggers. I realised that while I browse through blogs and posts I tend to be skip past all the happy days stuff.

    Perhaps “birds of a feather” ?

    Makes sense

    Reply
  6. Elaine

     /  May 12, 2011

    I think all of us wants to blog because a lot of us is just a tad sad. But not all of us are bloggers. And we all can relate some way or another with the different blogs (bloggers) we read.

    RM I do hope that you will always have the need to blog!! I LOVE reading your blog. I ever check in 5 times a day just to see if there is something new!! I NEED SOMEONE TO RELATE TO!!

    Reply
  7. Sharon

     /  May 12, 2011

    My question is this:
    Even when we think our dreams have been realized, like having a baby after years of IF for eg, are there really ANY people out there who are:
    “My sense is if you are truly happy, truly happy, you feel a sense that you are a “full and complete human being.”
    Is there anyone who goes through life so completley unscathed that they don’t have a teeny tiny drop of sadness anywhere within them?

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 12, 2011

      Sharon I think every now and then I get to meet people who are content, who do not seem to have these huge lumps of sadness within them. They are people who seem to know who they are, and even when they are unsure, seem content to allow things to unfold and see wher that takes them. They do not seem to burn up energy screaming and ranting into the storm.

      But then there are people like you and me – who are “storm chasers” – I think that even if all our dreams were presented to us on a platter, with a fabulous glass of wine for the other hand, while a young nubile concubine massaged our feet, we would still find ways to look inside and wonder if we were truly happy.

      But I like that there are people who look internally and do not whistle while they work, I like having both extremes in the world.

      Reply
  8. To Love Bella

     /  May 12, 2011

    Quite right. I started my previous blog to put my emotions down in words, as they were a mighty jumble in my head.
    I started my new blog, because I was, essentially, starting afresh. I had shed my infertility and all its woes and crap – and now with my new blog, I am celebrating my happiness at finally becoming a mom.
    Coupled with my old blog was alot of ‘other baggage’ which I wanted to shed. Creating a new blog really did help with that.
    I do agree with you that there are women out there who no longer blog after having overcome their IF. But I wanted to continue to offer, I dunno, a small beacon of hope? To chart our adoption journey. To get much valued opinions and tips from my fellow bloggers.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 12, 2011

      I think you give people hope …. that maybe there is a smile and a giggle at the end of the sadness …… which makes it all the more sweet!

      Reply
  9. 100% sense. And that is why I do it. I have always kept a journal, then after I started blogging it sort of got replaced by blogging.

    I blog to get it out, but also to share what is happy. Today’s blog was to get it out – I could not keep it in. It was too much.

    I actually think the whole world is a tad sad at the moment….

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 12, 2011

      Definitely, some days the blog posts just fall out of me faster than I can type them … other days there is just nothing …..

      Reply

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