Dirty little secrets mothers keep …

Dirty little secrets mothers keep …

I had someone comment on my blog recently which took me to her blog, and it in turn led me to a section of her blog which was cleverly referred to as “Dirty Little Secrets” where moms/parents had posted stuff …

You know the stuff you think, but do not say in public for fear of being beaten up, or child services arrive at your door step, or for what ever else it is that you fear happening.

There are some corkers on this site.

I thought I would grab a few that stood out for me – then I realized that there were more than just a few that resonated with me …..I am starting to think my multiple personality disorder went along and posted some of these comments.

  • I resent my kids. I feel like I could have done so much better for myself.
  • No one told me how lonely motherhood is….
  • Occasionally I wonder what sort of injury it would take for me to have a stay in hospital as a kind of guilt free holiday.
  • On the outside I am a happily married wife and mother. On the inside I am lesbian plotting to leave my husband when the time is right after get his help paying for my school.
  • I used to love life and feel proud about myself…now I’m sad every day and feel like a failure…I look at my marriage and I think “Do I have to be in this relationship for my children’s sake?”. I love my sons but being a Mom is very tiring and I never feel that I did a good job, unlike when I used to work and felt accomplished and successful. Back in those days when I was single, all I wanted was a husband and a family to make me whole. If this is what I wanted how come I’m not happy…
  • I think I want another baby, only to distract me from the two kids I already have! Probably not the best reason to have a third child.
  • I tell my kids to go away more often than I tell them I love them.
  • I cry in the shower so no one else can hear or see me
  • I look forward to when my husband goes on deployments and work ups because I have one less person to take care of. It’s like he is my 3rd child and I am starting to resent him for it.
  • Sometimes I hide in my walk in closet just for a few minutes of quiet and no one can find me.
  • I feel guilty all the time.
  • I want to leave and take a break from my husband, but I have nowhere else to go. How pathetic is that?
  • I used to be nice too. I used to like sex.
  • If I had known what kind of father my husband would be, we would not have a child. We will not be having a second. Between doing 95% of the parenting by myself, and getting almost no sleep or time to myself, I physically and mentally cannot endure this again.
  • That I want to just sleep. Sleep for an entire day. To just do nothing. I feel like I haven’t slept in 20 months.
  • I keep a container full of M&Ms hidden for just me…that’s right-ALL FOR MYSELF! (It seems like that is the only thing I get to myself). 
  • I love my 2 children but, very often, when they wake up in the morning I’m thinking “When will bedtime come?”
  • I really hate that my husband has he own life and just go’s and can do what he wants and I have to always stay home with the kids or take them with me.
  • I fill up every wipe box in the house to the top and tell my husband we are out of wipes and I need to go buy another package just so I can take “quick” trip to the store by myself.

I think the reality is that there are a lot of sad moms out there who do a fabulous job of putting up a happy face.

I really feel it might be easier if we were all a bit more honest with each other, then maybe newer moms or soon to be moms, would not feel this overriding pressure to “live up to the expectation of motherhood” that we create. 

There is this perception that motherhood is easy, natural, instinctive and well just lovely, and for some, well, it isn’t.

Women really make it hard for women. <sigh>

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38 Comments

  1. oops. Meant to click “notify of follow-ups” and “new posts”

    Reply
  2. So much of this hit home for me. I am feeling rather blue today (for a long time, really) and googled “run away from home mom” and your blog was on the page. 🙂 I’m enjoying your blog, discovering the posts. This post about dirty little secrets mothers keep rang true for me for several of the thoughts listed. Add homeschooling to that mix of feeling guilty and a husband who is now retired and driving me nuts, and you have me.

    Reply
  3. Karen

     /  July 11, 2011

    I totally relate to much of what you’ve experienced. My last is heading for college in August, and I know I will miss him dearly. The cool thing about him is that he is soooo ready to start his life and be his own person. It would be harder for me if I felt he wasn’t ready. He has been such a joy and a challenge to raise having ADHD as well as being gifted so there has never been a dull moment with him. When he was little, from the time he got into the car when i picked him up from school, he would tell me literally everything he had been doing since he went into school that morning. I would eventually tell him I needed 5 minutes of quiet time ( so I didn’t strangle him.) He was okay with the quite time and it helped him re-direct and relax. My friends and family have been talking about my “empty nest.” and won’t I be a wreck. I just smile, but truthfully I am so ready to be wild and free again. I almost feel giddy about it. I want him to know that he will always have us, but this journey I am on is getting ready to take a big turn. I want to be free to be spontaneous and to do whatever I want to do. My kids view me as “Momma” but i am so much more than that. A friend of mine says we experience “seasons” in our lives when the children are little, cute, and cuddly and suck our souls because of their constant needs. Then they are in elementary school, middle school, junior high and high school and our whole family schedule revolves around the frenzy of homework and activities…all worthy things but again soul suckers as we put so much of our needs and interests on the back burner. Now, even though we will be paying for college, I am going to have the time for books, hobbies, for old and new friends.. I’m planning on having the time of my life. Hang in there, sweetheart. It is going to get better and your kids are going to love you for being that mommie they needed so desperately. Despite the negative feelings you have for them and your situation, you are there for them. You didn’t run away even though at times you wanted to. You are their rock.

    Reply
  4. All so true but if we knew all the dirty little secrets before hand we would never have signed up to become moms….only the masochists amongst us would walk the path of parenting and humans would become extinct in no time.

    I only recently discovered your blog, but really enjoying what I’ve read so far. Always refreshing to see others being honest about the dark side of parenting.

    Reply
  5. Gillian

     /  May 19, 2011

    I truely love your blog! It always makes me feel a little closer to normal.

    Reply
  6. Totally resonate with the waiting for bedtime one. It feels like I spend my life waiting for bedtime. I also wish their lives away sometimes! As cute as my baby is now, if he were just a BIT older, he might sleep!

    Reply
  7. I just sent this to just about every mother I know.
    Graeme was reading it over my shoulder and piped up “You women never know what you want… you so badly want kids and a husband and family life and as soon as you have it, you just complain about everything…”
    Yes well.

    Reply
    • danabeattie

       /  May 18, 2011

      wow
      just read the blog,,,so so so true.I started crying cause i can relate to nearly every line.I think our main problem as mothers is, we feel so guilty if we need a time out.You start wondering,am i a bad mother because I just want to get away.All I ever do is clean and I find myself just complaining all the time.And Financially its so hard.
      Men just dont get it.

      Reply
      • reluctantmom

         /  May 18, 2011

        You are truly wise … and that is pretty much it in a nutshell …..

        Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 18, 2011

      Graeme I am afraid is correct.

      I think there is a part of us that chooses to be a mother – in my case I chose to be a mother. What I did not realise was how much “emotional baggage” arrives with it. Yes, there is the “I will never sleep again” and “I will never ever be allowed to go to the toilet by myself” bit, but what I think I am talking about is that all these images of these blissiful happy fulfilled mothers are jammed and rammed down our throats.

      But when we get there and we look at it and go “hey where is my fkn bliss?” then we feel judged, by ourselves and others mothers/women.

      I think by having an odd dose of “reality” and “truth” might help mothers to realise that they might not actually “burn in hell” because they considered abandoning their children in an PnP trolley just so they could run away from them …….

      Reply
      • My only escape is the bathroom. Amongst the chaos, I’ll say.. “Just going for a quick bath…” and I lock myself in there and have to refill the hot water about 4 times and go all wrinkly, but it’s the only place in the house where I can lock a door on everyone and just switch off..

        Reply
        • reluctantmom

           /  May 19, 2011

          Ditto, however it appears as soon as I put my foot in the water, then three children join me …….. and we do not have a lock on the door …. I seldom find I can just be alone …. even when I am …. I am always waiting for someone to walk in ….. ever tried to insert a tampon when you are always waiting for someone to walk in??

          Reply
  8. sue stuart

     /  May 18, 2011

    I regularly wish I would end up in hospital with appendicitis or some such problem, so that hubby could experience exactly what it’s like to be with my LG 24/7! And I do sometimes resent him for the way his life has pretty much carried on as normal! So glad that I’m not the only one.

    Reply
  9. Tanya

     /  May 17, 2011

    Wow

    I’m so glad you posted this because I have been feeling so guilty about feeling this way. I personally relate to at least 90% of those statements.

    My latest thoughts are to just drop my girls with their dad and just run away and re start my life. Being a single a mom I’m always the referee, the bad guy, the one who says No and the responsible one oh and don’t forget Mom is the bloody bank of England. And to be honest I’m tired I just want break but I don’t get to wish for this I must carry on regardless.

    And when I ask my Ex for help his response is I’m workin!

    But when I tell others about how hard motherhood is they like well you should be grateful that you have your girls and I am but its f*€king hard being a mom.
    .. .

    Reply
  10. I don’t feel like that at all. I feel like that about my job, having to leave my house, not being able to nap at 11am, not being able to go to gym because I have no time, not going for coffee play dates, not having mind-blowing sex.
    Then I feel guilty for not being more ambitious ( I AM but on my own terms), wanting to leave a great job to be at home for my kids, having less money because of the choices I want to make. That makes me feel guilty!
    THEN I feel guilty for not doing what I know in my heart I should, for not having the guts to. For being depressed because I am such a f-up who keep on moaning but don’t want to risk a stable income. (Yes, I’m not having a good day…)
    But seriously, I’ve never felt like that about my kid. She makes me laugh when my day was crap, she is just such a beautiful soul. BUT, and a big BUT, if I need time-out, I bladdywil take it. (I just passed out on the bed now, naked kid next to me and shouted at my husband to come dress her, brush teeth and make bottle).

    Reply
  11. Im 3 months pregnant, and only because I was knocked up, I have never dreamed of being a mother and never even held a baby before. It terrifies me, I already feel like most of these woman and the baby is still 6 months away. At least now I know I’m not a terrible person for it but still worried about being an awful mother.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 18, 2011

      Oh Jessie, I think we all worry about being an awful mother – I think I am an awful mother, but some times and some days I think I am a pretty damn good mother. I loved the comment that was made earlier about forgiving the bad stuff and trying harder with the good stuff.

      Reply
    • I don’t think any mom can say she was truly prepared for the birth of her first child. No mom can say she wasn’t scared. Scared of messing up. Scared of losing herself. Scared of not being enough. But the truth behind all of these ‘thruths’ on this site is that most of us wouldn’t give up being a mom for anything in the world. Motherhood makes you stronger and less selfish and it doesn’t give you time to learn these lessons at your own pace. You are thrown in at the deep end and if you’re lucky you have a great support system to help you through the tough times. And you, Jess, have exactly that. I can’t wait to hold your beautuful baby in my arms ( I almost start to cry every time I think about it) xxx

      Reply
  12. Ginger

     /  May 17, 2011

    I’ve been a mom for nearly 18 years and I’ve never felt fulfilled by it. Most days were pure hell, in fact. Somewhere along the path I learned to disregard what I “should” be doing/feeling and bit by bit every day I am learning to live MY life. Without guilt. (Though not without resentment.) Lately what I really struggle with is other women. They fill their lives with lives with being too busy for themselves and it’s verboten to mention any sort of frustration with being a mother. And then THEY roll their eyes at me when I mention that I went hiking or am knitting something for myself or haven’t cooked in a week because my son did it. They resent me for breaking the code of “mom-ness”. I know that deep inside they’re jealous. Why can’t they let themselves live their own lives? Why do they all live a lie? Yes, women make it so hard for women.

    Reply
    • Ginger,
      I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve never felt fulfilled by being a mother. Do you think it is maybe because you perceived how “being fulfilled” should be and it wasn’t?
      I’m not a mom (the way life worked out) but my sister and bff has a 2yr and 3m old and I detect a similar disillusionment with her. She loves her kids. But the “daily hell” feel is there.
      Thank you for being honest and helping this non-mom understand moms better.

      Reply
      • Ginger

         /  May 21, 2011

        Amanda, actually, if you’d asked me at 18 to write my top 20 goals for my life, having kids would never have been one of them. I was never opposed to it, but just it never was something I craved and desired. If it happened…great. Well, it did. In my case I married a real shit the first time and had 10 years of hell and three kids. Then I was a single mother for another five years. My kids are strong personalities and let’s just say that I’ve faced more dark nights than most parents. All is much, much, much better now as I’m married to a gem of a guy and the kids are very good now. Co-parenting…so important! But all those years I was treading water in the deep end of life and never had any energy to do anything else. So a life that I intended to merely include kids has become one that exclusively focused on kids. I’m tired. I want to be clear…I love my children. But the role of being a mother isn’t something that I have enjoyed as part of my core being. I have always felt more satisfaction in other areas. The frustration has come when I get resentment from other women when my conversations feature things I do for myself rather than a litany of selflessness and sacrifice. I resent that they expect me to be selfless…and they resent that I’m not. I find this sad because there are so many women out there who are struggling and feeling awful because they’re like me and think they’re the only one. RM is a wonderful (and hilarious) voice in the void.

        Reply
        • reluctantmom

           /  May 21, 2011

          You make me gasp, and then smile with a glow —- love to watch your work!!

          Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 18, 2011

      Hey Ginger

      I think you have the “balls” to say what a lot of other moms don’t. I recall an email from someone who said: “While I am in a totally different place now with my own kids (but remember those days when they were little very well, trust me) – I can just imagine what a huge support this is to mothers out there tearing their hairs out with the enormity of this task called Parenting (not at all so natural, easy and instinctual as they claim) – especially given her openness about her condition. ”

      The reason I started blogging is because motherhood lacked a certain fulfillment for me – and I struggled. I just did not seem to be hearing from moms who were struggling and only heard from moms about how super-fkn-wonderful it was, which made me feel all the more “not good enough.”

      But I am not where you are right now – but maybe I will get there. Since embrassing my “maybe I am not that sort of mom” I actually have started to enjoy motherhood much more, and also find that I can be honest with myself and others. But I am not sure I am over the guilt of the sense of frustration yet …..

      Thanks for commenting, love hearing from you.

      Reply
  13. Colleen Williams

     /  May 17, 2011

    RM – I have been reading your blog since I was pregnant last year. The very 1st entry I read was sent to me by my sister. It was the one where you were saying that no mom is perfect, but you do your best etc. (You reposted it recently). It helped me more than I can say because you were honest. Since then I have read EVERY entry.

    Imagine if we were truly, openly honest with ourselves… We all put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything, be perfect in every way and just generally be super human.

    How often do we turn to our partners and say to them, “You know what? I actually cant face today. Today it’s all you babe.” Never…

    The comment on finding excuses to go to the shops resonated with me. After I had my son I would leave him with dad when I needed to grocery shopping. I would get in the car and before I had even pulled out the driveway I would have the music blaring and be smiling to myself while I felt free for a few moments. Then the guilt would set in…

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 17, 2011

      Colleen thank you for this …. I feel really stoked that you read my blog even through all my madness. But I am also glad that people like you who know the “joy” of a little jaunt to the shop in peace and quiet is such a delicious treat, because we get to have our own space and play the damn radio at what ever level we want, and pick the fkn radio station too!!

      Unfortunately that dream is a bit of a far away fantasy, in my house if you are trying to “run away from home” the chirp is: “which child are you taking with you….?”

      Reply
  14. Ag ja, half of those are me. Apart that my husband really is great and fills the fantasy of what a husband should be, it is still not easy being a mom. Truly , I am on the edge. I need more than this in my life. Maybe I need to take up Spanish dancing or such…

    Reply
  15. Tania

     /  May 17, 2011

    I’ve said many times that if there were books, magazine articles, newspaper articles, internet sites, school/varsity courses on the real truths of child bearing, motherhood, being a wife in reality and all females needed to pass a test on this knowledge they have learnt we would have fewer children and marriages. It’s a total conspiracy to keep men content to do what they like doing and avoid the rest. 🙂

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 17, 2011

      I am not sure why we keep the conspiracy going …. I am not 100% sure it is for men’s benefits, I am not sure why women are not honest with women ….

      Reply
      • joanne

         /  May 17, 2011

        A new mommy friend of mine, going through the hard adjustment that is mostly inevitable recently said “BUT I thought you were kidding” to which i responded “Just cos its funny, doesn’t mean its a joke”

        Reply
        • reluctantmom

           /  May 17, 2011

          “BUT I thought you were kidding” to which i responded “Just cos its funny, doesn’t mean its a joke”

          Laugh hysterically out loud!!!

          Reply
  16. joanne

     /  May 17, 2011

    Some of those confessions are sooo true! Here are mine:

    Recently realised that I don’t like kids. Despite loving my 2 children to bits, i really, really don’t like kids at all

    My son lies to me about having washed with soap (he plays in the bath for 45 mins, squirts some bodywash in the water and then says he is done) most nights I pretend to believe him just to avoid the nagging, begging, pleading and negotiating that will ensue if I don’t just smile, nod and respond “clever boy” while holding up a fluffy warm towel

    Reply
    • Tania

       /  May 17, 2011

      the thing is that we were also kids once and our mothers most likely felt the same way – the only justice if you can use that word is the reality that your son / daughter will one day experience much the same with their offspring

      Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 17, 2011

      Oh Joanne, I do heart you ……

      Reply
  17. I am sitting in my office reading this post and I want to cry. I can feel the tears well up already. I am trying to remain calm. This resonates quite profoundly.
    I posted on my blog yesterday something almost similar to this, but more generalised.
    Thanks for posting this. Its good to know Im not alone.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 17, 2011

      Honey, with me around, you are never alone. It is nice to have women who have looked into the “dark beast of motherhood” and are comfortable admitting that it is not all the “sweet dreams and dancing unicorns” that it is made out to be.

      Reply
    • Yasmin and Celeste
      I think you are great mothers because you are willing to look the dark beast in the eye. Your children will learn this skill from you and be more resilient adults as a results.
      *admiration*
      Today I’m glad I’m an aunt only – can hand the little blighters back to their mamas. 😉

      I’m loving both your blogs, btw.

      Reply
  1. Dirty Little Secrets … still bleating on about that … « The Reluctant Mom's Blog

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