17 Irrefutable Parenting Truths ….

….. according to me ….. these are not universal truths ……..

<some are mine, some I borrowed/stole/lent without asking>

  1. When you find yogurt on your butt, learning it’s origin is not likely to make you feel any better.
  2. No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. (Thanks Bill Cosby)
  3. When your toddler farts, don’t look at her lovingly and say, “Do you need to poop?” Otherwise, you might be surprised when your attempt at discreet passing of gas is punctuated by the same words compassionately (and loudly) uttered by her.
  4. What works for one child in a family, will not work for the other(s). Nature and nurture theory can easily crumble as one child gorges on tomatoes, while the other cannot bear the sight of them (swap out the word tomato with just about anything i.e. discipline/Barbie Dolls/jungle gyms or what ever).
  5. The one thing about parents is  that no matter what stage your child is in, other parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse – always – and then smile at you in a be-littling fashion.
  6. Learn how to spell “diarrhea” so that you  can cancel play-dates via text without loading your dictionary app.  Texting “the runs” does not have the same impact.
  7. The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
  8. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  9. Even though it seems totally improbable that a toddler would poop at the precise moment you are reading to her about how to poop in the potty, it is not.   Refrain from reading such books whilst she’s in the bath.
  10. Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.  Remember that as you stand and offer advise to a mom who has a child throwing a tantrum in aisle four at Woolworths.
  11. Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.  (Oodles of wisdom there …..)
  12. People like your kids a lot less than you think – be aware of this when you visit friends and take your off- spring along.
  13. If you want a baby, have a new one.  Don’t baby the old one. (Chinese proverb, very clever, if you read it, sit with it, the read it again ….)
  14. The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
  15. If it is really quiet in the house, do not put your feet up and think “thank gawd I get a break” – get off
    your arse and go and investigate what they are doing.  They are doing something, usually it involves
    a small flame and possibly the cat.
  16. Kids will forget something you told them 5 seconds ago, but will remember the “less than complementary comment” you made about your mother in law and repeat it back to her, word for painful word over dinner, with you sitting there and a mouthful of food.
  17. If a child screams “someone come wipe my bum!” get up, put the wine down, go and wipe their bum.  Bum duty is pretty grim.  Cleaning poo off walls, the toilet and the child when said child attempts to wipe his/her own bum is far more grim.