17 Irrefutable Parenting Truths ….

….. according to me ….. these are not universal truths ……..

<some are mine, some I borrowed/stole/lent without asking>

  1. When you find yogurt on your butt, learning it’s origin is not likely to make you feel any better.
  2. No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. (Thanks Bill Cosby)
  3. When your toddler farts, don’t look at her lovingly and say, “Do you need to poop?” Otherwise, you might be surprised when your attempt at discreet passing of gas is punctuated by the same words compassionately (and loudly) uttered by her.
  4. What works for one child in a family, will not work for the other(s). Nature and nurture theory can easily crumble as one child gorges on tomatoes, while the other cannot bear the sight of them (swap out the word tomato with just about anything i.e. discipline/Barbie Dolls/jungle gyms or what ever).
  5. The one thing about parents is  that no matter what stage your child is in, other parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse – always – and then smile at you in a be-littling fashion.
  6. Learn how to spell “diarrhea” so that you  can cancel play-dates via text without loading your dictionary app.  Texting “the runs” does not have the same impact.
  7. The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
  8. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
  9. Even though it seems totally improbable that a toddler would poop at the precise moment you are reading to her about how to poop in the potty, it is not.   Refrain from reading such books whilst she’s in the bath.
  10. Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.  Remember that as you stand and offer advise to a mom who has a child throwing a tantrum in aisle four at Woolworths.
  11. Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.  (Oodles of wisdom there …..)
  12. People like your kids a lot less than you think – be aware of this when you visit friends and take your off- spring along.
  13. If you want a baby, have a new one.  Don’t baby the old one. (Chinese proverb, very clever, if you read it, sit with it, the read it again ….)
  14. The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
  15. If it is really quiet in the house, do not put your feet up and think “thank gawd I get a break” – get off
    your arse and go and investigate what they are doing.  They are doing something, usually it involves
    a small flame and possibly the cat.
  16. Kids will forget something you told them 5 seconds ago, but will remember the “less than complementary comment” you made about your mother in law and repeat it back to her, word for painful word over dinner, with you sitting there and a mouthful of food.
  17. If a child screams “someone come wipe my bum!” get up, put the wine down, go and wipe their bum.  Bum duty is pretty grim.  Cleaning poo off walls, the toilet and the child when said child attempts to wipe his/her own bum is far more grim.
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10 Comments

  1. Brilliant post – and #12 is so true!! Also, liking your own children doesn’t mean you all of a sudden like children in general!

    Reply
  2. Nisey

     /  May 27, 2011

    14 & 17 ring too true… very very fun reading for a friday afternoon! Have a beautiful poo free weekend

    Reply
  3. Sharon

     /  May 27, 2011

    On your point no. 5, I’ve also noted that when you tell other parents with older children how cute my toddler is getting, they’ll again nod in a belittling fashion and tell you how they’re even cuter when they’re older!

    Reply
  4. Great post 🙂

    Reply
  5. In trying to pick out one that stands out for me, I realise that they all do! Lol!

    Great post! 🙂

    Reply
  6. Ah no 16 – my favorite!. No 5 though, not true with twins. Whenever I bump into parents with older twins they assure me that it does get easier. Some time…. in the future far away. I am living for that some day.

    Reply
  7. 18. Kids will forget that you’re the one that will stay up the whole night with them, wipe their bums, pick up after them and feed them healthy food. They will always prefer to go with their aunt who has the energy to do “fun” things with them than be with “regular” you.

    One my poor sis-in-law had to learn about her children – my nieces.

    Great list! Like the Chinese proverb. I know a few men whose moms need this.

    Reply
  8. Samantha Robinson

     /  May 27, 2011

    Thank you for this post!! It was great and made me smile more than once.

    Reply
  9. Karen

     /  May 27, 2011

    Excellent stufff!!! Hehehehe

    Reply
  10. To Love Bella

     /  May 27, 2011

    I love you Cel ‘coz you ALWAYS make me laugh / schnort out loud!!
    As for point no 3 – I’m DOING it in the hope that Isabella says it to Travs one day!
    xx

    Reply

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