When mommies and daddies fight ……..

Last week Kennith and I had a humdinger fight.

EPIC. FIGHT.

We do not have huge fights often.    We disagree about stuff and then I call him names under my breath, but who doesn’t… I mean honestly?

I am not suggesting we skip around saying “love you noodle” and then telling everyone on Facebook how fabulous we are.

On a sidebar note, why do people feel they must tell everyone on Facebook how much they love their husband or wife?

Seriously, get off Facebook, and tell them yourself.

It is a about as sad as those people who phone in to a radio show to tell the disk jockey how much they love their girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/person they are shagging/person they hope to shag, when the person is sitting behind them and you can hear them squealing with delight in the background.

I really do not give a shit how much you love your significant other, you go tell them.  How desperate are you to give the impression you have the perfect relationship when you need to announce it to Facebook …. constantly.

Any the way, I digress…. a tad.

Back to my story – I have been trying really hard of late to address an issue with Kennith instead of using my passive-agreesive-behaviour.

I do love a bit of PAB as much as the next gal.

I have found that standing with a baby on your hip, a glass of wine in your other hand and sighing in a very aggressive manner while your husband plays computer games during the evening suicide hour is not an effective manner for him to realize that he needs to put off the game and come and help with the kids/dinner/bath routine.

The only thing that it achieves is that you start looking too trailer park for your own good.  Husbands behaviour does not change.

So my story really starts here – my AF (periods for the uninformed) was a bit late, six days in actual fact.

Like most (all) girls if your AF is late you start wondering if you might be pregnant.

By 2pm of said day you start thinking you might be.

By 7pm of said day you are starting to suspect you are.

By 9am of the day that follows the day-when-AF-was-due you are really starting to think you are… for sure.

By 2pm of the day that follows the day-when-AF-was-due you are really sure you are.

By 9pm of the day that follows the day-when-AF-was-due you start to fkn panic because you know you are, but willing to wait for the next morning, as no doubt all will be right with the world.

By 9am of the day following the day that follows the day-when-AF-was-due you know you are.

By 2pm of the day following the day that follows the day-when-AF-was-due you have thought of a short list of names, have already mentally shopped for a pair of maternity denims, have started to feel pregnancy
symptoms that include sore boobs, swelling tummy, and irritability.

(I permanently exhibit 2 of the 3 symptoms all of the time, so this only feeds my slightly wild imagination.)

I was about 6 days late, and you can imagine how my brain had run away with me at that point.

If not, then let me enlighten you.

It was a boy, I had named him, already worked out where he would sleep, and how work was going to deal with my pregnancy.

I also had already mentally worked out how I was going to tell Kennith, and the total frkn explosion that was going to be and how he would suggest I viist a Marie Stopes Clinic, and I would cry and fall on the floor all prostrate and stuff.

Listen, when I am allowed to run about in my head, people get hurt.

I had popped along for a POAS (pee on a stick test) and it was negative and then my AF started, so I was relieved that I was not pregnant, which I also found odd as I do want to be pregnant (but we leave that for another post.)

I am regaling this story, because granted it has been a very stressful 6 days for me, to Kennith who looks decidedly green while I am telling him the story.  I am gabbing on and on and ……

The problem is that the story escalated to a full on argument that included, but was not limited to:

  • You leave wet towels on the bed.
  • No, you leave wet towels on the bed.
  • You never do anything with the kids.
  • Why can you not stop bossing me around.
  • I can’t go to the toilet in peace while you appear to be able to watch an entire rugby game on a Saturday afternoon, how does that work?
  • I will never change so stop trying to make me change.
  • Who do you think is the maid if the maid is not here and you continue to leave your shit all over the show.
  • You are a douche bag (okay maybe I just thought that).
  • You are a selfish bitch (I am sure that one was said out loud).
  • Fuck you.
  • No fuck you.

Any the way …. it got quite brutal and I must be honest I am not sure what we were fighting about exactly, but the wet towel seemed to be the fuel for the fire.

I actually learnt nothing from that fight, other than …..no, actually I learnt nothing from that fight, and I am still unsure what the point was.

I did learn that fighting with a woman whose period has just started is probably not the best course of action.

The thing with me is that after a fight, I am unable to just forgive and move on.  Resentment and anger lives
with me way after a fight has ended.  I am not really a bury the hatchet kind of girl.

I was so angry with Kennith – not about anything in particular, the fact that he was breathing was sort of making me angry.

I did calm down and I did sort of just “let it go” – but I am glad we do not have those arguments often, because they are harrowing.   I am not sure how people function in relationships where they argue all the damn time.

The next day Connor give me this little note …. shame poor lamb chop ….

Leave a comment

26 Comments

  1. Helen

     /  June 3, 2011

    When I was about 9 or 10, iremember my parents having a blowout over something and I then asked my mom if they were getting a divorce. It was a complete emotional blackmail – I knew full well a fight didn’t mean the end of a relationship. Thankfully my mom called me on it. Not saying at all that is what Connie is doing – I was a nightmare! – but don’t feel guilty, kids are smarter than you think and understand a lot more than you give them credit for. Plus let’s be honest – people fight. They must learn tgis. I wouldn’t feel guilty for a second. Have a glass of wine, some make up sex and carry on. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Colleen Willimas

     /  June 3, 2011

    i think in ideal world our kids would not hear or see our fights. It is part of the reality of relationships and human nature that sometimes they will see the ugly side of people.

    As they get older they are more aware, even if we try hide the fights from them. You cannot hide puffy, cried out eyes or the fact that mommy and daddy are loving you but not eachother. You cannot switch your emotions on and off.

    Celeste, I think you do a great job caring for and raising your kids – truely. Just look at Connor’s note. He wasnt saying ooo mommy I hate you / daddy – so when are you getting a divorce? He is loving both his mommy and daddy and he is able to express his fears and emotions to you which is excellent. He is a gorgeous, well rounded, emotionally aware child.

    Reply
  3. Oh he is a sweet boy. Our Princess is a very gentle and sensitive soul and do catch flippin anything going on. We constantly have to re-assure her that all is ok. I do think the fact that one of her best friend’s parents are getting divorced has made her a tad more sensitive.

    And about the Facebook thing – to me it feels a bit like having s.e.x and inviting and audience.

    Reply
    • LOL CAT!!! I love you! I know exactly what you mean, ESPECIALLY when their husbands are not even on FB or involved in their comment streams 🙂

      I see this all the time.

      What about the ones, “to my dear darling son/ daughter. Mommy loves you and is so proud of you for being the cleverest kid in SA :)” and said kid is 2 and clearly doesn’t have FB. Oh, it KILLS me 🙂

      Reply
      • reluctantmom

         /  June 23, 2011

        Totally – I posted something on my FB status the other day asking why people pose questions and comments to people who clearly are not on FB or can’t read (too old, too dead, that sort of thing….) let’s just say the amount of defriending was rife …….

        Reply
  4. jenny

     /  June 3, 2011

    Bless him. 😦 another one to add to your growing guilt list mommy!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 3, 2011

      I keep it in my diary with me …. might have to laminate it now ……..

      Reply
  5. Wendy

     /  June 3, 2011

    That little letter would have killed me! As the other ladies mentioned, as long as he understands that arguments are a normal thing in a relationship, and that they can be resolved, that is good. We do have arguments occassionally, but we do not call each other names. I am one of those sensitive types – if my husband called me a bitch, I would consider that abuse and sue for divorce!
    Hope it’s all sorted out, and that Connor is feeling better.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 3, 2011

      I am not suggesting K called me a bitch – I might have called him a bitch – it was one of those fights that just became bizarre and had no point, and I have no real recollection of what was said or how it was said. But when I was writing the post, I recalled the “towel” that seemed to be the fuel that ignited the flame.

      Reply
  6. I also feel a bit mortified for the sake of poor Connor, but it seems so do you!
    As long as you reassure him that adults can have arguments, and that it does not mean at all that they are going to break up!
    Hope you are feeling better?

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 3, 2011

      Both Kennith and I chatted to him the next day, and I think he understands that “people fight” on a logical level, but on an emotional level I think it made him afraid. But even if Kennith and I talk about something with raised voices (not fighting, but just conversation emotional banter) Connor gets that scared look on his face. He is such a gentle soul that boy is ……

      Reply
  7. julz

     /  June 2, 2011

    Oh my goodness. Nothing makes kids more scared than parents arguing. That being said, none of us are perfect and I find ourselves doing the same. I doubt I would get such a sweet letter from my son. He kind of stands between us and immitates us which is a real shocker!

    Reply
  8. My fights with Graeme go in that EXACT order! Like.. word for word. Favorite sentence: “The only thing that it achieves is that you start looking too trailer park for your own good. Husbands behaviour does not change.” Too true! I was very trailer park last Sunday! Thanks for the wake-up call.
    I do however love telling G that I like his face on facebook.. It’s kinda like a modern version of leaving love notes in your husband’s lunch box..

    Reply
  9. Celeste,
    You have a special child. I love how he is able to do all the “right” things in the note: nicely ask you to change, why he wants change and ends the note on a positive thank you.
    Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Reply
  10. Nisey

     /  June 2, 2011

    poor baby – note to self – must not fight over wet towels anymore in case it damages my baby boy…

    we’re only human and i guess they’ll get over it – even if we don’t.

    as for FB – i thought it was to keep in touch with people you don’t see every day and didn’t realise it was meant to make your ‘friends’ feel inferior/damaged/worthless/shit – but that’s just me 😉

    Reply
  11. Sharon

     /  June 2, 2011

    Firstly, I feel the same about love notes on Face Book and people who FIGHT with each other on Face Book! SERIOUSLY???

    Secondly, that note is just so cute and so sad at the same time. It confirms what I have thought as well. See, last week W and I had a ripper (similar to the one you describe, ours even involved a suitcase being chucked out the cupboard and some clothing being thrown in it and like you I can’t tell you what it was about) but I hated that we did it in front of A and was wracked by guilt over how unsettling it must have been for her. Now I see that it was! 😦

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 2, 2011

      On the upside neither Georgia or Isabelle noticed anything, they slept through the entire thing. It was only Connor who was all wide eyed and nervous the next day …..

      Reply
      • He (Connor) is darling.

        Strangely my Connor is also quite sensitive when we argue. He gets this look on his 2year-old face and comes to me, saying, “mummy, mummy” and I know I need to calm down and BREATHE!

        Reply
  12. Love the sweet little letter. I am always scared of how our fights effect my son. Right now he is toddler so he doesnt really understand or notice. Really enjoyed the part about Facebook. I would love to unfriend people who spout about how great their relationships are. Its actually more interesting when know their relationship is shit and its seems they are trying to convince themselves.

    Reply
  13. Kim

     /  June 2, 2011

    fighting in front of your children has an extremely negative effect on your children, not to mention a vicious one like that.

    Conflict is inevitable, but at least show your children how to settle a disagreement in a grown up manner, instead of hurling insults and cursing. Or at least keep such fights for when you are alone. I can just imagine how destructive such fights can be for a child.

    At least you say you don’t do it often. I still think it has an major impact on your child. They should not be worried about mommy and daddy breaking up at such a young age.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 2, 2011

      Kim, you are correct. However for the record we did have the fight after the kids were in their respective beds and meant to be sleeping. My son unfortunately was not and was obviously listening to the entire dialogue. Yes, not ideal.

      As a rule we do not air our arguments in front of the kids. If we have something to discuss that we feel might get a little heated or might be of adult fare, we do send our kids out of the room.

      Reply
      • Kim

         /  June 3, 2011

        Sjoe, shame, that can’t have felt too good, thinking the kids were asleep, and then finding out one of them heard everything!

        But I think he might be old enough to understand that even though mommy and daddy fight sometimes, it does not mean they love each other (or him) any less.

        Reply
    • Tania

       /  June 3, 2011

      My Son would also react as Connor did, they are about the same age. They both have gentle and soft natures. Another child, for example my daughter, would not react that way, she’s just a different personality. I am sure that RM sat Connor down and sorted it all out as she is a Fab Mum. The last time Jason and I had a major collosal fight Ethan was still awake and around, he came into the kitchen with his pretend sword and told Jason to leave me alone and not to make me sad. Bless him!

      Reply
  14. Scared & Imperfect Mother

     /  June 2, 2011

    I dont know if I should cry over that little sweet mis spelled letter. Your son is a little sweat heart.

    Reply
  15. Alice

     /  June 2, 2011

    Oh my goodness! Sniff sniff! Bless the poor chicken’s cotton socks! Puts everything in perspective doesn’t it?

    Reply
  16. Colleen Willimas

     /  June 2, 2011

    aw bless, how precious is your boy! I am with you on not letting go though – you remember all the good stuff you should have retorted with in the middle of the argument and didnt. They get to walk away feeling all righteous and justified for what they say and you’re left feeling yuk! I am much better at PAB and cursing under my breath. I never win fights 😦

    Reply

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