The bitch is back ….granted she never actually left …

On Tuesday morning I made a full confession to My Good Egg that I was struggling with what can only be politely described as a “bout of depression” of the EPIC PROPORTION.

I feel a lot like one of those fine bone china tea cups that are being rocked on the saucer, with all the hot tea spilling out.  At any moment the tea-cup is going to fall over, spill out over of the edge of the saucer and break into a million little pieces.

<side bar: I am the tea-cup in this analogy.>

I was very anxious and stressed around the girl’s birthday party.  I totally lost my mind about picking out paper plates and serviettes. EVEN at the time, I knew this was not important in the bigger picture.

Well my rational mind knew that, but where the rest of my mind lives, rational is too scared to go.

I was freaking out – and when Kennith bought the “fairy” ones and I wanted the “princess” ones I still ran around to two more stores (after the easy 6 I had been to) seeing if I could still find princess ones.

When I start making these kind of heavy decisions about throw-away tableware, then you know it is time for Valium and a padded room.

I have been aware of it for some time, and then I thought, okay, well maybe you are just in a bad mood.  This, if I must be truthful, is a bit more than just a bad mood.

I am in the downward slide down the rabbit hole of a depressiive episode.  I am desperately grabbing at dirt as I slide down in my little blue dress with the big white bow on the back.

I spoke to My Good Egg this morning as I was sure that the only option was to get a script of Zoloft or something similar.  I seldom discuss “my ebbs’ with Kennith as he knows when they are occurring and gives me the necessary space to move through them, and I usualy move through them.

But I am not moving through this one.  And I feel like I am being swallowed alive.  I am not coping.  I cannot cope.

I had a good cry – actually it was not a good cry,it was a snot sob which I dripped on to Kennith’s work shirt.

I have a cache of (totally misguided and inappropriate) anger, rage and spite bubbling under the surface  – no idea where it comes from.  It is not directed at anyone or anything, and spares no one.  I mean really, what the hell have I got to be angry about??

I feel persecuted – “they” are watching me and “they” are out to get me. I have absolutely no idea who “they” are.  But I feel aggressive if someone starts asking me for something. (My job requires people to ask me for things all day, you can imagine how that is going.)

I have learnt to manage my depressive episodes better as the years have gone by (this however is not a good example of that statement).

The (not so) funny thing about depression ebbs is when I am in them, I believe in my heart of hearts that they will never end.

I am frazzled, I am further down than I have been in what seems like an age, and I am not coping.

I am actually spinning out of control.

We are going away for the long (it’s only a long weekend if you take Friday off work) weekend to the most divine place – I call it my “waiting to exhale” place.

When we get there, I sit and look out over the hills and hear the cows going “mooooo” and the wine in my glass catches the light over the valley.  I let out a breath that I feel I have been holding for what feels like forever.

The part that stresses me, is in my present “state,” I am bound to do or say something to alienate someone if not everyone this weekend.

It is not “if” it will occur, it is merely a case of “when” it occurs.

With that in mind I decided that the best course of action, was to just tell our friends so that they could prepare (and allow them the opportunity to arm) themselves for the weekend:

Morning Folks!!

I am in the throes of a full scale  depressive episode – of what  can only be described of EPIC PROPORTIONS.

This particular bout is characterized by my inability to follow a conversation, my overriding urge to start talking about the most awkward things possible, my inability to take social cues, an urge to alienate people by offending them, and the fact that my brain is not able to process what you say versus what I hear, and a few other
delicious issues ……ah the fun I am having.

No, this is not an opening line to a joke, this is unfortunately where I am right now.

It has been going on for several weeks, but this week is total “wheels fkn falling off stuff” so this email is a warning/word of caution that odds are I will try to find something to say or do this weekend that is bound to piss you off/alienate you/wonder if you can find a spade to kill me with/look at me and wonder how long you will need to count before you just slap me ….. you know that sort of stuff.

There is a good chance I might incite all these feelings in you simultaneously, and odds are I might have already.

I am seriously freaking out, and Kennith and I have discussed possible ‘action strategies’ to get me through my present ‘spell’ – I suggested Zoloft, lots of wine and a cliff, he suggested a few other options.

We are trying his options in the short-term, however I reserve the right to use mine.

So, please try not to be (permanently) offended by my actions/what falls out of my mouth this weekend/Tourette’s Syndrome – I am trying my best to keep it under control, but it is rather epic and a bit out of hand right now, so just warning you that
what I say or do right now (no matter how bizarre it might seem, and I can
always promise you bizarre) is not a personal attack on you in any way, and I
am a total twat, and and and …….

I am also not suggesting that this is a “free get out of jail card” for me, as I also need to take responsibility for my actions/what I say, but if you can please just keep this in mind while you watch me having a total senseless rant, usually in the kitchen, in my blue grubby bathrobe, with a wine glass in my right hand and a child on my left hip
……..

Okay, so when you pack your groceries, please pack some Valium (for you) and maybe some forgiveness fairy dust for me.

Xxx

PS: I am drafting letters of apology now that I will just send off on Monday morning, so I will leave them in my draft tray now.

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17 Comments

  1. Tammy

     /  June 23, 2011

    ‘where the rest of my mind lives, rational is too scared to go’ – I love the way you’ve put that.

    I’m sorry things are crap. Really. I’m not good at commiserating, but I do know that feeling where your rational mind knows something is wrong and the rest of your mind is just apathetic about it all. It’s utterly shite. I hope there’s a way out for you soon x

    Reply
  2. Scared & Imperfect Mother

     /  June 20, 2011

    Hugs button?

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 20, 2011

      Right there next to the smiley face button ….. er not!!! But thanks for trying!

      Reply
  3. Colleen Willimas

     /  June 20, 2011

    Well done for recognising the situation and talking to your “Good Egg” about it. That is a MASSIVE achievement.

    I really hope your weekend away is fantastic for you. You obviously have really good friends that you are able to be completely honest with – that is a rare find. I am sure they will be there for you, trailer park rants and all 🙂

    I wish we could just put depression in a bubble and watch it float off into the blue skies. I can only hope that you can find a solution that works for you and that Kennith’s action plan works…

    Reply
  4. Sharon

     /  June 20, 2011

    You’re not alone RM, I’ve been thinking about going back on AD’s as well. I feel out of control, sad for no reason, very very emotional, irrational responses to normal situations and I just feel like I’m not coping!
    Hang in there!
    xxx

    Reply
  5. O Celeste, I may know a bit what you are talking about. I really hope that the weekend has had a positive result. Have a good hug. And go get the meds.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 20, 2011

      I think I need to find a psychologist first and have a little lie on their couch ….. and see where it goes from there.

      Reply
  6. I am sending you the biggest hug I can think of. I cannot offer any words of wisdom, but know that I am thinking of you. That black hole might look endless now but the light will come your way.
    I maintain that you are stronger than you think and being able to recognise what you are going through makes it so much easier (in a sense) to bounce back.

    Sending all the positive vibes I can. XO!

    Reply
  7. Tania

     /  June 20, 2011

    I have no good advice as I cannot appreciate how you are feeling but know that I am thinking of you my friend and will definately keep you in my prayers.

    Reply
  8. Celeste,
    I’m sorry you’re in the bog right now – sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and that is really hard to cope with, I know. Well done for recognising it for what it is and for asking for help! It might not feel like its enough or anything praiseworthy, but from the “outside” where I am, I can see it is. And, I’m impressed at your sense of humour that is surviving! I’m sending lotsa good understand-energy and prayers! Sterkte!
    Until the Zoloft kicks in something like rescue remedy might help with the anxiety? (works for me – I also have a black dog that follows me around)

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 20, 2011

      I do love the “black dog” reference ….. it is one of my favourite terms …… so simply descriptive and effective …

      Reply
  9. To Love Bella

     /  June 20, 2011

    oh my sweetheart. i know how bloody KAK these bouts are! take something, that’s my advice. i usually opt for biral – although it’s very gentle, it does take the edge off. hope you are feeling better soon, my love. xxxxxxxx

    Reply
  10. I am sorry you are feeling crap….wish I had some wonderful advice that would fix it but I don’t 😦 – thinking of you

    Reply

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