I thought I was in love … but I am just not that in to her ….

I had my second session with my psychiatrist yesterday morning.

Basically to see if I was able to sit on a couch and hold down a conversation.

Tick for that – job well done. And I did not cry.  Not even once.

We adjusted my meds a little bit, but the decision right now is to stay with what I have and see if that is fine for me. She did give me some additional “pop in an emergency” pills, so when I feel an anxiety attack (not the correct term, so forgive me there) coming on.

I can take one, and I believe that should be able to calm the storm – or stops me jumping off our one storey house, which ever is more apt.

I was sitting at my laptop last night and doing some photo editing and I felt this growing anxiety in me.  Totally not related to anything I was doing.

It started in my chest and seemed to spread out across my body.

I put it down to being really tired, and took a sleeping tablet and headed to bed – because I felt like it was a panic/anxiety attack, and was trying to hold a semi-normal conversation with Kennith while it was going on.

Some days I really need to get an “oscar nomination” for the work I do in appearing normal.

Some stuff going on with me:-

My mom and my step-father have been kind enough to take the kids for a few days, so I only have Isabelle at home which makes the “coping” easier.

Kennith leaves on a jet plane today for a trade show/or something, so he is gone for just over a week.  That makes me feel very anxious.  I can cope.  I can cope better when I know he is nearby.

Our freezer packed up last Thursday.  Fortunate told me. I forgot.  She told me again on Friday afternoon.  By that point I realised everything had melted or was melting (we have a big chest freezer number.)

I told Kennith on Friday late afternoon.  Kennith gets home (and this is why he needs to be called Captain Underpants) – he looks at it and goes “let’s buy another one.”

I want to clarity, it is Friday night at about 17h30.

He phones House and Home (or whom ever) and speaks to a guy who deals with Fridges.  He says you know model so-and-so fridge-freezer-double-stand-up-thing.  Guy goes yes.  Kennith goes, have you got one?

Kennith hops in the car and flies through to pay for it.

I am busy throwing a chicken in the oven.  Kennith gets back.  Before chicken is out, guy delivers our new fridge-freezer-double-stand-up-thing. (IT IS FRIDAY NIGHT, HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?)

The unpacking and repacking of the fridge and the fact that our kitchen looked like a grocery store had thrown up in it, made me very anxious,  So Kennith unpacked and repacked the fridge and freezer.

Of course now we have a broken chest freezer lying in our backyard.  The similarities to trailer park have not been completely lost on me.

Our lovely Pepe suffered an unfortunate personal blow last week.  Her brother, Kennedy died suddenly/under strange circumstances.

We found out in the morning and by 3pm she was on a bus/taxi back to Zimbabwe.  She is the card that my entire “house of cards” rests on, so that is a bit traumatic for me (I am not taking away from the fact that a death is a traumatic thing for her….. I know this is not all about me).

I am not sure how long Pepe will be away for.  I am worried about her and her family.  I am worried about me coping without her.

I have Fortunate helping me out (for which I am thankful, and yes, Fortunate).

What I mean is that Fortunate is deathly ill, and I have found enough meds to keep her vertical.  No really.  It appears I have a face that a pharmacist feels no qualms about giving S5 meds to without a script.  Clearly I have a winning smile and a kind glint in my eye.

It is unbelievable what I have got without a script.

Fortunate is at home alone with my young daughter.  I phone every 60 minutes to check she is conscious and has not set herself a light.  Clearly that is making me very anxious.

I had my first cognitive behaviour therapy this morning at 07h30.

I was really excited to get started and get some of “my stuff” on my list actioned.

I arrived bright and early.  Dr R arrived bright and early.  He looked at me.  I looked at him.  He looked at me.  He looked at his appointment book.  He said my name is not in there.

I felt our relationship was not off to a good start.  I left feeling a tad deflated/defeated/rejected.

I try again on Friday.

On the upside, can’t be much worse that today, right?

My psychiatrist mentioned “chakra” once too many times for my liking.

I really need to move on.  I think when she mentioned I need to “keep a notebook of things I am appreciative for” near me and jot stuff down.  That was probably the final blow in our relationship.

I mean, seriously anyone who has known me for 4.2 seconds would not suggest that to me.  Unless it was an April Fool’s joke or there was a bottle of wine involved.

I had booked an hour with her, so I did not feel rushed.

I was ready to leave after about 35 minutes.  Actually I was keen to leave after 15 minutes, but it is a bit like a date where you feel you must order coffee before leaving, so as not to appear rude.

I really do not need a pill doctor that I can lie on the couch and chat to, but I just need him/her to adjust my meds and then I can have a rational conversation with once a month.  My problem with the divine Dr D is I feel I am the rational person in the room, which I think is a recipe for disaster.

I really thought Dr D and I had a special relationship and I was nearly at the point of carving her name on my desk with my NT Cutter, but I think I need to start “looking for love” again, as it just is not working out.

Of course I feel terribly embarrassed to tell her that, and might need to reject her via sms ……

Leave a comment


  1. Poor Pepe and poor you 🙂

    Kenneth is fantastic with the freezer – would he like to come sort all my things out too? 🙂

  2. WOW that is impressive – about the fridge.

    Sorry about the “help” not really helping. As much as I am all for gratitude journals I am not sure they are really what you need right now :-/ (It actually sounds like I may like her though)

    Finding a good shrink is as important as finding a gynae you “click” with!!!

  3. Hilary

     /  July 13, 2011

    Firstly, Go Kenneth! No I don’t mean go away for a week – yikes, I’m referring to the fridge incident. Secondly, it’s really good to be back. I’ve been gone on maternity leave for 5 months and have spent the last week catching up on your blog – yes going all the way back to January 2011. Crazy I know but I could not possibly skip 5 months worth of posts. I just had to know what’s been going on in your world. All I can say to you today is Sterkte – hope all this blows over soon.

    • reluctantmom

       /  July 13, 2011

      You are such a loyal supporter —- we like you — all the voices in my head!

  4. Flip, that freezer Friday night thing is amazing… Ok, on to more important stuff – you have to find the right match. Clearly she is not. Just keep your head above waters with her pills, send her a Dear John sms and find another doc.

  5. Only read this now. I should really read your blog before mailing you…


  6. Don’t worry about the Dear John to Dr D. I have been through half the shrinks in the phone book already. You just cancel your appointment and don’t make another. We pay them enough that we don’t have to explain…

    That is one freaky video!! Effective though.

  7. Man, I am sorry that you are having a shit time. I know how you are feeling right now… and it is really just not cool. Don’t you just want to sit in a corner and cry? Make it all go away? When Alice goes to Zimbabwe I completely freak out. She is the only person that I trust fully with the kids. They should not be allowed to leave the house, ever! And Kennith gone… Man I am surprised that you were even able to type all of this and are not locked away in a dark room somewhere (haunting screams echoing down the passage…)
    It will all go away soon. Promise.

  8. Julz

     /  July 12, 2011

    Hectic times for you and it seems the sh!t never stops.

    That Kennith is a terrric egg. Love how he just organises things!!!

    As for Dr D, there are more psychs out there. I am totally jealous about you getting S5 meds without a script.

  9. Ever watched “Finding Nemo”? Dory keeps saying “Just keep swimming, Just Keep swimming…swimming, swimming, swimming”. I don’t think the script writers meant it to be a life lesson or anything but I know that when I am overwhelmed by everything I just have to hang on and keep swimming. It always calms down eventually. I hope your week goes okay…


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