What is your sanity score?

I am just not feeling better …. right now.

Better than what?  I am not sure how to explain it.  I guess better than feeling like death.

I am not physically sick.  I can’t show you an injury or a bleeding elbow.  But I physically feel in pain all day,

My medication has definitely made me feel less worse than I did – and really for that I am grateful.

Thanks to Stillnox I am sleeping like the dead.  Thanks to Nuzak I appear vaguely alive during the day.

I have a few other things thrown in for good measure.

This is without a doubt the worst I have felt for the longest time, since at least 2003 – 2005.  I think.  But my memory might be hazy and I may well be mis-remembering.

I cannot actually believe how crap I feel.  Right now I am doing breath-breath-breath, everything else is detail and somewhat unnecessary.

I know I should be all these things that I should be: thankful, grateful, glad to have a job, happy for all I have,my beautiful precious children, my caring partner, but I just feel so “dead” to everything.


I have definitely lost my mojo.  Somewhere.  Some how.  I am just not sure where to go and find it right now.

<If someone could tell me where my mojo is, I would gladly go there and collect it.  Really, I would.  I’d go right now. Immediately and grab it.  No questions asked.>

I am trying very hard with my kids to not give them the impression I am struggling (more than usual) and trying to appear patient and willing to read stories and spend time with them.  And do it and appear happy.

I am trying.

When they are in bed, I literally crumble like a paper mache that got wet in the rain.

Today I added a neck ache and a head ache to my day – I really wanted to take a Cataflam and a few Panado – but I was nervous that I had to get through the day and I had no idea what the combination of medication would do.

I need to give the semblance of functioning.

I made the rather disastrous error a few nights ago of eating dinner, took my sleeping tablet and my night medication, had a glass of wine with dinner.

Granted it was not a small glass.

But I was totally out of my tree while I was still sitting in front of my dinner plate.

I had no idea how I got to bed.  No recollection of locking the security gate or getting in to bed.  I found my glasses I wear when I watch television lying in the middle of my bedroom floor.  Some party I must have had without me knowing it.

So, I am guessing that combination was not the best idea I have ever had.

My pill doctor is a loon, so I need to shop around and find a new one.  In practice I will skulk away from her and pray I do not run into her at a mall.

I have had one appointment with my clinical psychologist who specialises in cognitive behaviour therapy.

We have a ways to go before we start with the heavy lifting stuff –  but I am already intrigued by his manner.  But let’s get to three consultations before I go and tattoo his name on my arm or something.

He suggested something mildly interesting in our last meeting – that I might have been inaccurately diagnosed in the past.

But I think he is going to keep a “new label” as a surprise for a later visit.

I did get a good feeling from him (but bear in mind I did also get a great feeling from my earlier pill doctor, and well, I was clearly …. er …… wrong, so do not take my opinion as authoritative on too many things right now)

I saw this interesting ‘are you crazy’ or better ‘how worried to you need to be by your level of crazy” on-line survey.  I think the fact that if you are doing it sort of tells you that you are a tad “crazy” but it is interesting that it highlights some areas that might be a concern and you might need to look at.

So it is not conclusive, but it definitely holds up some red flags that you might want to think about going forward.

I do want to confess that it was remarkably accurate – but I am all sorts of crazy right now, so really a blind guide dog could work that out.

I plan to retest myself every few weeks and see how it goes.  Out of interest, not for any therapeutic guidance.

So if you want to pop along and check your sanity score – let me know how you scored.

I tested earlier today and I came up with 157 (I think.  I did not write it down, so I am trying to remember accurately.  I just did the test again and got 151).

<the summary it gave me was: Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing a great deal of distress at the moment —  your overall mental health is greatly affected by this distress.  People with similar scores experience life as overwhelming and have a great deal of difficulty in coping with life, relationships, work or school.  If you have been feeling this way for longer than 2 weeks’ time, people similar to you have sought out professional care from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist. – handy advise me thinks>

Would you do the test?  What is your number?

(you do have to sign up, which is a case of a user name and password, so it is pretty simple stuff)

Leave a comment


  1. Hi Strangers,

    I scored 140 today. 120 yesterday. I have 12 major issues including depression, anxiety, and borderline traits. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, but the first time I was aware of my ‘sadness’ was when I was very young, I want to say 7th grade. I’ve been repeatedly discouraged throughout the years to see a shrink because anybody I bring this up with immediately thinks I’m not being truthful or that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    I can’t wait to go to the doctor tomorrow.

    But I have exams this week, so I don’t know how to get through this with a decent GPA… not that I give a s*** about that at this moment. I just want to make it through myself.

    By the way I’m 20 years old, not sure if that’s relevant.

    Thanks for listening

  2. 66. Add another 6 and I’ve got serious issues.

    It is pretty accurate on some points : Driving : Phobias: People with scores similar to yours express some irrational fears of certain specific object or situations, such as being afraid of heights, snakes, or enclosed spaces. Generally, however, most people with this level of fear simply avoid the specific objects or situations in their lives and are not bothered enough by the fears to have it interrupt their everyday lives.

    Yes I don’t allow driving to interrupt my daily life. I just avoid it altogether. Problem solved! Or not…

  3. Sorry that you are feeling so de-ma-car (I cannot spell, but hope you know what I mean)

    I did the sanity test late last night.

    I then returned to your blog to comment.

    It was not a difficult thing to do. All I had to do with click on a seperate tab.

    In that nano second, I managed to forget my fecking score. And I had closed the The Sanity Test website.

    This is all in itself !

    I think I got 79.

    But I may have not !!!!

  4. countess

     /  July 21, 2011

    i scored 53. have serious weight issues. no surprises there. it was highlighted in red. if I told you what I weigh Celeste it might shock you out of the depths of despair? I’ll only tell you, if it will help as a last “saving” resort!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I like what Laura Allmayor said: “let your mojo find you!”….

    Am sending you positive vibrations all the way from the Eastern Cape…

  5. Janine

     /  July 20, 2011

    My score was 85. But, I am not sure if I believe everything I read there. I, apparently have 3 major issues – Self Esteem, Eating Disorder and Phobia’s and 9 minor issues – general coping, depression, anxiety, Dissociation, Mania, Sexual Issues, Technology Issues, Obsessions/Compulsions and Posttraumatic Stress. And apparently I also have bipolar tendencies… Its all been taken with a pinch of salt.

  6. Beth

     /  July 20, 2011

    This post really struck a chord with me. I was in such a similar space to you a few weeks ago – extreme anxiety and battling to focus on day to day life. Everyone around me thought I holding it together but really I was not, and am still battling slightly to be honest, but really am so much better. I was suffering from daily headaches and was getting worried about the amount of pain meds I needed to keep them under control. Those have thankfully disappeared and I haven’t taken any pain meds for weeks.

    I’m on Citraz 15mg which, according to my Psychiatrist, is far superior to Nuzak in dealing with anxiety and depression, and also knock myself out with Stilnox every night, otherwise I just don’t sleep, and lie there with my heart pounding, worried about everything! Its been about three weeks and I’m def starting to feel a whole lot better. The balance of the meds you are on is so important, def find a Psychiatrist who knows their stuff.

    As to the whole counselling option, Ive done lots of therapy over the years but I have my issues – I’ve suffered from cancer as a teenager, had a leg amputated, suffered secondary IF, a miscarriage, multiple IF failures, and yes, I’ve dealt with my pain, have rehashed it all with lots of therapy, but it’ll never go away – its made me who I am, and sometimes I think those of us with traumatric experiences (whatever those might be) in life are going to slip in and out of depression and anxious states, no amount of therapy is going to change that! And sometimes its about finding the right person to prescribe the right meds to help you feel better again.

    I had to laugh about yr Stilnox story – I watch whole TV shows after going to bed and cannot remember a moment of them the next day! Very brave to take while still walking around yr house!

    I’m a bit reluctant to take your Sanity Test – prob won’t look too good at the moment!

    Take care, and I hope you start to feel better soon.

  7. I scored 105 (apparently have issues with anxiety, depression, self esteem, general coping and technology issues).

    I am so tired of this. Really I am. I was feeling so much better. Like I had made it through the forest and now I am so depressed again and I can’t work out why. Nothing has changed. I just can’t seem to cope anymore. I am just so tired.

    I am thinking if you, hope the new doctor helps and maybe the sun comes out and we all feel happy again. Or something

  8. rikki

     /  July 20, 2011

    Based upon your answers, you appear to be in good mental health. Congratulations! You may experience specific mental health concerns, relationship issues, or other issues that come up from time to time in your life, but your overall mental health score suggests that you deal with these well. People with similar scores are more resilient than most people, handle stress appropriately, have good relationships with others, and are able to cope with the in’s and out’s of everyday life with grace and ease.

    My biggest problem is my body and me not liking it right now…

    Celeste – have you read any of the books by Natasha Sutherland? I went to a ladies morning where she wa talking and thought often of you and other moomies – she talks about getting your “muchness” back.

    • reluctantmom

       /  July 20, 2011

      There is a comment in Alice in Wonderland where the “queen” looks at Alice and says she is like Alice, but she has lost her “muchness” – I just can’t find mine right now ……

  9. http://littleandbunny.blogspot.com/2011/07/sanity-test.html. Man… we need help. How did we get to ‘here’? And where is the way out?

  10. Loretta

     /  July 19, 2011

    One’s Mojo is a terrible thing to lose. Have not lost mine since 2001 (unless of course I count the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy when I literally cried every single day, but I suspect those were hormones). In my case my crazy ass cognitive therapist, Herb, did help me get mine back. So whilst I hated the therapy at the time (too much homework!!)it would be what I opt for if ever I lose mine again! So stick with it RM, you will get it back! Oh and by the way, keep on talking: blog, FB, moomie, cause I suspect it will keep you sane. One final PS. After reading JoAnne’s comment I decided not to take the test. Cause if some bloody test tell me I am obese, I will surely lose the little mojo I am hanging onto right now!!

  11. Claire

     /  July 19, 2011

    Oh my hat !!! I thought I was pretty much okay, but scored 97

    Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment in your life, dealing with things that you may sometimes find overwhelming. People with similar scores tend to be coping relatively well with daily life, but sometimes feel overwhelmed by certain moods, feelings, or situation. Your mental health is fairly good and you’re on an even keel. Some people with similar scores find mental health treatment from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist targeted to a specific disorder, issue or problem helpful to their overall feelings and coping skills. Others feel they are doing just fine the way they are.

  12. I might test pretty well today, I had a good one. Yesterday I was breaking into tears every now and again. so really, I am too scared to take it, it might change before I get the password sorted

    Girl, just a hug. I really do not know what to say but that this too shall pass. Like everything else. That I know for sure.

  13. Jo-Anne Donaldson

     /  July 19, 2011

    My score was 42. SO quite sane. Issues like my smoking habits and internet usage dragged me down! And I’m OBESE!! Never thought of myself as obese! Haha!

    RM hope you get your mojo back SOONEST!! I would have gladly sent you some of mine but I am scared that you might start eating profusely and become obese! Bwahaha!

  14. Scared & Imperfect Mother

     /  July 19, 2011

    My Your Sanity Score


    Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment in your life, dealing with things that you may sometimes find overwhelming. People with similar scores tend to be coping relatively well with daily life, but sometimes feel overwhelmed by certain moods, feelings, or situation. Your mental health is fairly good and you’re on an even keel. Some people with similar scores find mental health treatment from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist targeted to a specific disorder, issue or problem helpful to their overall feelings and coping skills. Others feel they are doing just fine the way they are.

    Don’t really know what to make of this…

    RM you should have said its a 100 questions… It took forever – maybe changing my mind from not being honest to brutally honest just took too long.

  15. You had me go and do the test! It’s a lot of answers!
    I got 35, so it seems I’m the sanest of you all! 😉
    But now they have identified 3 milder issues…
    I did not know I had a problem before this!
    Thank you very much, Celest! (some sarcasm here)

    But very sorry to hear that you are not coping as well!
    In the end the rest of us can do nothing, but keep our fingers crossed, and praying (if that works for you!), and sending you lots of LOve!

  16. Mandy

     /  July 19, 2011

    got a score of 87. Don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Lots of self esteem and anxiety issues which is pretty spot on for me as well depressive and post traumatic issues (probably blanked those out my mind). Also recommended I see someone if been feeling this way for more than 2 weeks – HELLO it’s been about 3 years that I have had to be a fake and cry secretly so my kids and hubby don’t see. Really thought I could do without the medication but clearly need something to cope. 😦

  17. My score was 53 and highlighted physical issues which is correct as I have had chronic stomach pains for the past 9 months.

    Hope you are back to normal very soon!!

  18. To Love Bella

     /  July 19, 2011

    I came up with a 51. Somewhat unsurprisingly, the self-esteem part was 100. Mm…
    So sorry that you are not yourself. Really am.

  19. Charne

     /  July 19, 2011

    Score is 41 whcih suggests good enough mental health but highlighted some issues in the eating and internet usage department and some mild relationship issues – quite spot on actually.

    • reluctantmom

       /  July 19, 2011

      Nice. I was very surprised at the comments I got. In my super paranoid self I started thinking “how do they know that!!!?” Of course I just told them in a 70 point monkey puzzle.

  20. mm I dont know what the score was but apparently I am not coping and am showing depressive symptoms – I stopped reading then :-/

    Maybe stop trying to find your mojo – let it find you when its ready!

    • reluctantmom

       /  July 19, 2011

      Maybe stop trying to find your mojo – let it find you when its ready!

      You are such a wise owl … I was going to say a wise old owl, but realised that might not sound very nice …….

  21. I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. I have only ever felt almost like that (I say almost because I think unless somebody walked in your shoes they can’t really relate and can’t really understand), it was in 2007 after my daughter was diagnosed with leukemia. So much energy went into staying focused and positive and at one point I became completely down-in-the-dumps-wanting-to-stay-in-bed-and-cry-all-day, which I couldn’t because Bianca needed me and Caitlyn was only a baby so needed me all the time. And I felt like I lost myself. Like all I did was to exist with no goals, no ideals, that I became a nothing. One thing that helped a bit was hubby sending me away for a weekend. Just me. (And hiring an au pair…).

    I hope that your new doctor will be able to help. To help you find yourself again. To help find your mojo. To catch your breath and find your direction again.


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