Car accidents and anxiety attacks ….

Monday was a bit of a right off, for all the reasons that would be good reasons when you start the day with a schedule 5 sleeping tablet.

Can’t really comment more on that one.

I slept until about 1pm and then had an appointment to get to, and the rest of the day was the usual blur of fetching and carrying kids and eating toast.

I met my (not so new) new psychiatrist and he gave me a new brown pharmacy bag of medication.  I was
not overly emotionally committed to the first bag, so I am okay with change.

I am still getting used to new side effects, so a few more is not really going to change my world right now.  But let’s see how that fares.

I decided that I needed a Mental Health Day on Tuesday – and asked Kennith if he could please stop and get bread on the way home and also take the kids to school on Tuesday morning as I could then hide under my duvet for a bit longer.

He said yes he would get bread, yes he would take the kids to school.

I thought, great.

Made some tea, stared at my reflection in the kitchen window.

Phone rang again – Kennith.

My first thought was “Seriously can you not go to the shop and make a decision without having to ask me three questions.  You have an MBA, work the bread aisle out!”

I answer the phone: ‘Yesssssss” I drawl, slightly irritated.

Kennith – with the background sound of traffic…”I have been in a car accident…”

Me – I felt my adrenal glands compress and push adrenaline through my blood.

I felt my hippocampus start screaming.  I felt my heart start to beat a bit faster to allow my lungs more oxygen to allow for the anxiety attack that was coming….. I thought about my kids and which one was dead.  Which one was injured, and if one of them was dead, who I would “be able to deal” with better.

I thought of my tea and that I might not be able to drink it.   I thought that I probably will not be able to function moving forward.  I might need to go and live with my mom.  I probably will never recover.  Teh entire universe suddenly became me-my cup of tea-my reflection in the kitchen window-and Kennith’s voice on the phone.

I started to realise that Kennith’s voice was still talking ….as he had not paused for breath from his first statement to his second…”I am fine, the car is damaged, I am fine!”

I knew I had just put the kids in bed.  I know logically they could not be in the car with Kennith.  I had just put them into bed – myself!

However that did not stop my brain from telling my brain  that my kids were possibly dead on the N1.

I had already worked out a loose funeral plan and what I might wear.

Kennith repeated: “I am fine, I can’t drive me car.  I need you to come and fetch me, I am at ……
and can you arrange a tow truck …. call DAL’S …….they are really good ….I am fine!”

I got my bag, asked Pepe to watch the kids.

I stopped and looked in each of their rooms  to make sure they were there and unharmed and had were really not in the car with Kennith.

I went to fetch Kennith next to the N1.

Kennith was/is fine.

Kennith’s car is not.

DAL’s tow service sent over a truck to pick the car up.  I had to phone my friend David to help me make the call, as I could not even remember Kennith’s cell phone number at that  point, let alone arrange a tow truck.

Kennith filled in the forms on the side of the N1.

I stared blankly at the road.

DAL’s took the car, in a very efficient and friendly manner.

Kennith got into my car and I drove us home.  I stared rather blankly out the window as I drove us home.  We had to stop for milk (and chocolate spread).

I am traumatised.

It is Kennith’s accident and I am traumatised.

Kennith’s neck is a bit sore and he really should go to a  chiropractor.  I think he might need a trauma counsellor – I am not being flippant.  I think he is very shaken —  I really think he needs to speak to someone.

That someone cannot be me.

I took a sleeping pill on Monday night – I woke up at 4am on Tuesday morning and stared at the ceiling worrying about every possible permutation of what “could have been..”

Tuesday I did not go to work.. I took a mental health day …I need a mental health week.

I can’t actually sit with Kennith and talk to him about the trauma and the effect of the “car accident” on him and how he saw his life flash before his eyes because I am ….

I am angry.

I am scared.

I am disappointed.

I am afraid.

I am petrified.

I am terrified.

I am panicked.

I am anxious.

I can’t help him with the oxygen bag in the plane, as for fk  sake I can’t get mine on, and the plane is nose diving at a bit of a rate.

I woke up this morning just before 5am and stared at the ceiling and worried some more (that is with a schedule 5 sleeping tablet).

Kennith needs support, and I can barely stand …….  I can’t help him because I can’t help myself right now.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

17 Comments

  1. So glad that Kennith is okay. You are going to be fine, eventually. It’s terrible going through the horrible bits though.

    Reply
  2. Scared & Imperfect Mother

     /  July 28, 2011

    Glad to hear Kennith is okay.

    Sometimes a mothers mind is a horrible place to be.

    Reply
  3. Celeste, be assured that it is totally normal to be shaken by this. My hubby was in a head to head – I was 6 weeks pregnant with the twins and in a very healthy state of mind at the time (as we did not know it was twins yet – after that I was no more). And I was so shaken – I cried for days.

    Reply
  4. Julz

     /  July 28, 2011

    Oh my Gosh, Kennith we are really thankful that you are okay. Always scary regardless of not being hurt.

    RM not a good time for you to go through this and just another shove that life sadly goes on around you depite you wishing it wouldn’t.

    As for trauma councelling, it should happen within 72 hours of the trauma.

    I am just so glad Kennith is okay. It’s always a wake up when you hear of someone involved in any trauma. Like a reminder of how dear our lives are and how quickly things can go wrong or in this case luckily not too wrong.

    Reply
  5. To Love Bella

     /  July 28, 2011

    Darling dearest beautiful Celeste. I am SO sorry for all the poo / crap that you are going through right now. I wish WISH that I could offer you more than that as comfort, but I’m pretty useless at expressing things without sounding like a cheese head.

    I am glad that your Bear is ok. And what an awesome support he is to you.

    Hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs

    xxxxx

    Reply
  6. Kennith, you do sound like the most supportive, wonderful egg. I get why Celeste is so shaken because something could have happened to you.
    Celeste, hugs, hugs and more hugs.

    Reply
  7. Kennith

     /  July 27, 2011

    I am fine, I was shaken on Tuesday, but today I am cool. I can reflect on how fortunate I am to be alive and to come out of an accident like that unscathed. I look at Celeste and the kids with a great appreciation for what I have.

    Slight stiff neck, out a couple of k as the insurance wrote the car off and you never get your replacement value out of it, but I am alive and lucky to have the life that I do.

    Celeste does not need to worry about me, I am fine and I am there for her.

    Reply
    • Kennith, have xrays taken etc and check out that neck (if it was not your fault). My hubby was in one about 4 years ago – 3 months after the accident the trouble started. We then had the documentation for the RAF who after years paid out a while ago (just a few bob) but more important – gave a certificate that in future they will pay for the physio and operation as needed.

      Reply
  8. countess

     /  July 27, 2011

    Natasha(above) has a very good point. A different view may do you the world of good. I did it last weekend, went away with some girls to Katberg, drank, sat on our bums and spoke nonsense. Came back revitalised and not…wait for it….irritable.

    you need that. no resposibility. no thinking. no mundane chores and routines. no kids.

    a recharging of sorts. you still love your kids, you just want a breather from them.

    Reply
  9. I am glad Kennith is ok. This is gonna sound so strange coming from a stranger. I wish I stayed closer to you. I feel the urge to come over and make you that cup of tea that you need ( this is meant in a sincere way ) ( not at all in a creepy stranger stalker kind of way )
    I feel an urge to take care of you – to make you feel better. I understand that you are not a broken china cup that I can glue together. BUT If there is anything whatsoever that I can do from here , please let me know.

    Reply
  10. maybe I have not read your entire blogspot – but as a matter of interest – and totally off the topic, what do you do for a living? I need this info to better understand some things about you and your world.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 27, 2011

      Ros, I am not really looking for a new stalker ….. but with that in mind …… I am a production manager in a DTP studio ………does that help….or hinder …..

      Reply
  11. .big hugs

    Reply
  12. Katherine

     /  July 27, 2011

    Glad to hear that Kennith is okay, generally. I read your blog everyday and all I can say is that you are in my thoughts. I sincerely hope the new medication and doctor help you as I have no idea what you are going through but it sounds horrendous. I cannot begin to imagine how tough it is for you and your family.

    Reply
  13. Jesus. Celeste. Really? F*ck. Dude.. can you just go on holiday, with Kennith, disappear for 4 days, put off your phone, get your mother in with the kids. Just go.

    Reply
  14. Thank goodness Kennith is ok.
    I can understand that it is difficult for you to help him. Its hard when you are going through things yourself.
    Have you kind of mentioned trauma councelling to him? But in a way that he understands he needs to speak to someone (other than you) about it?

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: