The best feeling in the world is when ….

 

<and the worse is when you get b&tch slapped severely … but let’s leave that for another day>

When I started blogging, I though I would read my blog, and Fred, a nice but unemployed man in Ysterplaat might log in when he gets some free time at the internet café.

That is pretty much how I had it pegged.  And at the time it was enough for me.

When I started blogging – I thought I was unique.

I was the only mom who blogged. I had never read a blog.  I did not realise that there was an entire community/sub-culture out there.

I emotionally vomitted several times.

Then when I thought it was over, I stopped blogging.  You know, I thought I had got that shit out of my system.  I said what I felt I needed to say, to get me through my “little episode” after having Isabelle.

And I thought, that I had also enough and Fred had probably stomached all he could.

Then I had dinner with Mike Shaw – and Mike asked how the blogging is going.  I was a bit surprised as Mike was clearly not the “unemployed Fred in Ysterplaat” so I was surprised he read it.

Then he told me a few things about what he had got from reading my blog, and maybe understanding some of the “difficult” times his wife had gone through.

I left the Spur, feeling a sense of heaviness in my stomach from the Goodie Burger I ate, but at the same time maybe to rethink this blogging malarky.

If it was not for Mike Shaw I might never have got started, again.

Today is my + 10 000 hits anniversary (100,027 at the moment…)

Or one guy who logged in 10 000 times, which ever way you want to look at it. or 5 fans and 9 995 people who hate my guts.

The statistics are difficult to interpret, and really spreadsheets do not excite me – in the least.

My busiest day was the 15 September 2010, with 2,986 views, so that was pretty good.

I realise that 300 – 500 people might read this blog every day, and only 5 agree with what I say, while the other 295 – 495 tsk-tsk and promise to send me hate-mail as soon as they are finished vaginal-birth, breast-feeding, co-sleeping and arts and crafts with their little loves, as well as making a healthy casserole for their husbands.

I have embarrrassed myself more times than I can count on this blog.

I do not blog for you. I blog for me.  (Well I keep telling myself that.  I also keep telling myself that I do not care what people thing.  But clearly we all know now I am a bald faced liar-liar-pants-on-fire!)

There is something in it for me, even when I PUBLICALLY humiliate myself.

Part of it is that I get to out myself first instead of worrying what people are going to say.  I admit to the fart, even if I did not fart, just so that I do not have to blamed and people snigger at me.

Which I do quite often. The casualties are Kennith and the kids who get dragged into this blog, against their will, often.

I have said some things that I do not always regret saying, but I often regret that someone was hurt by it, and considerded it insensitive – that was never my aim, and then I regret posting anything that made anyone feel funny (bad) and not always funny (good.)

I do often look back with my 20/20 hindsight and realise I posted something while being emotional – and one learns one should not send emails, update your Facebook status or post blogs posts while very emotional.

It seldom goes well.

I love every solitary comment I get – some make me laugh, some make me cry, some make me alert the police.

This was my first post about fnding out I was pregnant the first time (though it was a get pregnant on purpose, but I was still horrified)

I did a post about Mommy and Baby groups and I still think it is pretty good.

Not a happy post, but one I really “enjoyed” because I was expressing what depression was to me, when i tis such a difficult concept to explain.

Do you know?  Yes, learning exercise.  That JK Rawling based her characters in Harry Potter, the Dementors on how she experiencd depression.  The fact that they are these dark forces, that can find you no matter how hard you run and how far, and they literally suck the energy force out of you, until you are left alive but dead.

I do laugh at some of the crap that falls out of my mouth, but for some reason this post made a lot of people laugh with me, rather than at me, which was a delightful change.

I would like to give a shout out to Mike Shaw, because if it was not for him, I probably would not have carried on blogging.  (Granted if it was not for Mike and Anita, and how “cute” Matthew seemed, we probably would not have had kids either.)

I would tell him personally, but he ignores my emails, so maybe his wife will read my blog and pass on my thanks to him.  So this is a bit like those ridiculous Facebook status updates which someone posts, but the person it is aimed at is never on Facebook.

Thanks Mike!

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7 Comments

  1. Mike

     /  August 16, 2011

    The thanks are due to YOU Celeste for carrying on. It was EASY for me to say those things I said, to express an opinion on the talent you have and the importance of recounting feelings that are so common-place yet unwelcome and inconvenient. Yours was the HARD part, actually carrying on.

    PS: I’ll SMS you my new email address, it’s not that I ignore your emails, it’s just that I haven’t received any!

    Reply
  2. Congrats, and thanks to Mike Shaw for keeping you on the blogging road! 😀

    Reply
  3. joanne

     /  August 15, 2011

    Wanted to say that I don’t think your ‘hits’ are an accurate reflection of your following and it would appear that my selected manner of receiving my dose of “Reluctant Mom” is not as unique as I would like to think (as Colleen has already pointed out)

    I have been reading your blog since 2009
    (https://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/waking-up-in-a-panic/ ),
    which is neatly mailed to me, most Tuesday and Thursday. Every once in a while though, your selected language is deemed unfit for my consumption by a server based somewhere in the mother province and I then need to log onto the blog, but with your sober habits and choice vocab, that is so seldom, really….

    From one fluoxetine, guzzling, child rearing, working mom to another – Glad your still blogging. Not for me of course…. but for you!!

    Reply
  4. Colleen

     /  August 15, 2011

    Well thank you to Mr Shaw. If it weren’t for your blog I probably wouldnt know there were moms out there who think like me / feel like me… I am not alone 😀 I

    I love your blog! Truthfully, I dont log on to read all your blogs online, I subscribe to them so I get them neatly eamiled to me every time you post 🙂 And I read EVERY SINGLE ONE 🙂 I dont know if your subscribers count as hits. If not you probably have a hell of a lot more hits (fans) :).

    Reply
  5. Tania

     /  August 15, 2011

    That is definately one of the best feelings in the world when someone is happy because of you, totally exhilarating.

    Reply
  1. This is difficult « because the voices told me so

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