You can win a cow … actual livestock …

If you really do not care for my opinion on Facebook status updates, please, I beg of you, click away now.

Really.

Click away now.  Go to where ever you need to go to keep you in your happy place.

If you continue reading, then it is clear that you are vaguely interested in MY opinion on this matter and are prepared to forego the warning  – the second one that I am now issuing.

I will miss you – but come and read another day …

<pause for effect>

Third and final warning.  I am reminding you that you are choosing to read this, even though I have warned you three times.  It will/may offend you.

Okay, so to you two who have hung around ……

The truth be told, there are certain Facebook status updates that really do my head in.

I love Facebook – well mostly.

I have been struggling with insomnia for some time, and there is always something happening on Facebook between 2am and 6am, of course that might depend on the sort of people you hang around with and their respective time zones.

No doubt you post some of these ludicrous status updates.  I probably post some Facebook updates that annoy ME and you equally!

These are a few that I see that raise my eyebrow slightly.

The “I love my husband more than anything” post – great, tell him yourself.

Unless he is in Alaska and the only way you can communicate is through Facebook.  But if you live in the same house, is it not just a bit odd?

<I will confess to posting a Facebook update to Kennith once, and asked if he could make me some tea.  In my defense I was in bed, and he was in the lounge and I knew he was on-line.  And I did not want to scream down the passage and wake the kids, nor did I want to get out of bed to go and ask him.  I did get my tea, so there are times when it does work if there is a clear objective.>

<I also asked Kennith on FB if he would buy us John Cleese tickets.  I felt I would get a quicker reaction has he have a very close relationship with his iphone….>

The only time this sort of Facebook status update is acceptable if your husband is Brad Pitt or George Clooney – then you mention him by name in EVERY SOLITARY FACEBOOK STATUS update.

But that status update is worth reading, because it would make me ludicrously jealous – and you have Brad or George, you really do not have to give a fig about what anyone else thinks and you can post pretty much anything you like.

You HAVE Brad or George!!

I am almost sure there is a link/study somewhere of the frequency that you must announce your love to someone on Facebook and the length of your relationship, or the time between the post and the pending divorce.

The “I am so sad” post – cryptic?  Yes, which means I have to ask why are you sad.  Me and 27 other people. Of course I cannot push the “LIKE” button as that will be weird.

So we all have to go “what is wrong sweetie?” and then the person picks one person and goes “Jane I will PM you …”

Fk that does not help the other 26 of us, because clearly it was favouritism, and I have been left out of the circle, unless I am Jane that day.

Use your 144 characters “I am sad because …. and then add something interesting… for instance “I am sad because I cannot access my tampon and need to get to the doctor so he can remove it” or what ever – just finish your damn thought already.

Why be cryptic?  You are not the international man of mystery.  Or are you?

Now that would be interesting.  But sadly the truth usually leaves us a bit disappointed.  Do not build up hype unless you have such a cool ending.

The “I am speaking to someone who is not on Facebook” post i.e. dead family member, your one year old baby or granny who clearly does not Facebook” – again… not sure how this works, but okay.

If you are wishing your child happy birthday – then do it with swagger, because really they are not going to read it.  Something like “364 days ago + 9 months I was having sex with Harry, and his sperm won the race and impregnated one of my ovulated eggs, and now we have Kerry!!  Cool day huh?”

Now that makes interesting reading.

The “I have just bought a goat in Farmville” post – seriously?  But yes, and it appears it is the coolest game around, with like a zillion players/members.  It is the most downloaded application.

Hey we all do things differently but if that sets your arse alight, well then clearly farmville/whoreville or what ever is fab.  It seems.

Maybe, just set it so that it does not update your status updates – because logic tells me that no one sees that and goes “Cool Jennifer has a new donkey, excelllent, good on her!  She is such a cool chick! I am so crushing on her donkey.”

My guess is most people (or it could be just me) are starting to think unsavoury thoughts of you and farm animals.

Well I am.  But again if Farmville is your thing, and you want the man in the dungarees pictured on your facebook wall, then rock on.

You have a few millions crazies with you on that one.

The “random copy and paste” if you know someone with cancer/bad breath/anal leakage” – again, I do not quite get how copying and pasting that is going to make one iota of difference to anyone’s world especially if you have cancer/bad breath/anal leakage.

I might be in the minority. These posts really do carry weight – because they get cut and pasted like mad – so they must make a difference. Especially if you put a ♥ after it or a dare “I dare you to post this if you have a super mom/dad/uncle/hairy neighbour or a spot of flatulence.”

I seldom can turn down a dare, but I can’t say I have ever been “enticed” to copy and paste a status update.  Well not yet, but I might be lured to the dark side sooner than you know.

I once joined a group “My wife said if I started a group and get 100 000 to join we can call my son Spider Pig.”

Do I think that husband was ever allowed to name his son Spider Pig?  Pretty unlikely.

But it made me smile enough to go along and click “Join.”  I did not believe it and I did not try to run around and get three dozen of my closest friends to vote either.  And I am quite fine with you judging me for it.

The thing that grates my frkn goat (at the moment) is the “please vote for my baby” – because it goes on FOR FKN EVER.  And it is everywhere.

Like a case of the clap on a Contiki tour.

Anyone can enter.  I am not 100% sure it actually has to be your baby.

Last time I checked the page count was a million pages and counting – of babies and babies and then some more babies.  I really started to dazed and confused by about page 10 of this.

I have always felt most babies look like each other – really!!!  I have often arrived to fetch mine and the only form of recognition is I recall what I dressed them in this morning!

So the competition is – you enter your child.  Then run around in a frenzy and get everyone you know to go to the page and “LIKE” your baby.  You paste the link back to every place you can. EVERY FREAKING PLACE!

There is no “DISLIKE” button I already checked.

And really the only thing that is happening is that YOUR baby is not winning.

YOU who has the most social media “friends” does, and I am using this term rather loosely.

Really your baby could be a troll, have three eyes, and a voice like Fran Drescher (from the Nanny) but if you can get 2500 friends to LIKE your baby, your baby wins.

Or goes into the top 10 or 50 I can’t recall – and then the crazy plea for voting starts again.  Everyone is down to zero and it is off again.

You are now within sniffing distance of the prize.  So it will be a frenzy and it needs to be on your daily Facebook status updates – because people can vote EACH DAY!

Oh my giddy aunt, can you say “panic on the dance floor?”

For the site who is running the competition – it is a simple – yet brilliant case of – advertising that gets you and your friends to go onto a page a thousand times a day.  Pushing up that page’s hit rate.

That page/product in turn can sell more advertising because they can say “our site gets 5 000 (or what ever) hits a day.”  They are a business, that is what businesses do – whether you actualy have the Best Baby is irrelevant, it is about who has the “most popular baby” or “who has the most deranged/driven mother.”

Even with my rather limited IQ, see this for what it is.

1.  A competition that is not about the Best Baby – because the Best Baby might belong to a mom in “impoverished area”, who has limited internet access, and 10 really great friends on Facebook – but she does not stand a chance.   So her baby can’t be Best Baby – sorry for you!

2.  The mom who is internet savvy, maybe who has a blog, or what ever, she can generate more Likes.  So odds are on her side as so to speak.

3.  There are FaceBook groups you can join – and then in this group, you are all meant to support each other and go and vote for what ever it is you are entering.  No seriously!!  You join a group of people you do not know, for no other reason than so they can go and LIKE what ever you have entered.

Here are a few you can go and look at – or join –  Exchange of votes here, Contests Exchange Votes/Likes, Vote for me / Vótame, 50 Likes or Votes – the bizarre thing is have a look around and see how many desperate moms (who enter these competitions) have these as groups on their FB pages.

Am I the only person who finds this strange, creepy and …. I was going to say desperate, but maybe that is not the right word?  Maybe it is all fair in competitions of this nature.

I like to win as much as the next guy.

Dude if you were going to give me R10 000.00 Huggies Nappies I would be way excited.  I might even do a few unsavoury things and poke a few friends on Facebook.

But I would sort of draw the line somewhere.  Joining groups of people I don’t know so they will go and vote me and I in turn “vow” to vote for them, might be one place I might not go.  But that is just me, it seems.

Moms dig this shit like there is no tomorrow.  Can someone explain why don’t dads get all excited by this crap?

I suggest if you do not like them – you keep that to yourself.  Moms who enter this type of thing get super charged about it, and best if you do not like the idea, to just shush.

Which brings me to the best competition that I have seen.

I saw a FB status update earlier this week to go and LIKE someone’s post on a National Braai Day competition so that they could win a cow.

A cow!  Livestock!  An actual moo-cow!

It gave me so much pleasure to go and vote for her and hope that she wins a cow, that it made me roar with laughter for several hours.  I used to really ♥ her, but now I adore her.

A cow!  She found and entered a competition to win a cow.  Oh my giddy aunt, it made my heart all sorts of glad.

We started picking out a name, and found the cow a straw hat and we had decided who was going to bring coleslaw.  It was seriously a great cheering up exercise.

She unfortunately did not win, there were a few other people who beat her.  But I believe the next win is a lamb. I am right behind that competition.

I like competitions.

I just wish there was a way that “sponsors” could make them more interesting.

Moomie is running a really interesting one now on “what I would do if I had more time on my hands…” clever competition.  And it needs a bit more thought than just voting yourself into a coma.  It needs a really interesting photo – and then the voting is done by the public and by three judges, so that sort of makes it a bit more fair, on the more socially-media-inept kids, which I like.

<Key note :  I am not suggesting to alter your facebook status in any way – for all I care you can wish a unicorn happy birthday and try to garner votes for it too. I am indicating facebook status updates that I do not enjoy so much.  It is YOUR Facebook and you can say what ever you like – just because I do not like it, does not mean in anyway that I am dictating what you should post.  Remember you wear big person underwear, so what is on your Facebook is your big person decision!  Try and remember that before you send me hate mail and sh*t yourself!>