You can win a cow … actual livestock …

If you really do not care for my opinion on Facebook status updates, please, I beg of you, click away now.

Really.

Click away now.  Go to where ever you need to go to keep you in your happy place.

If you continue reading, then it is clear that you are vaguely interested in MY opinion on this matter and are prepared to forego the warning  – the second one that I am now issuing.

I will miss you – but come and read another day …

<pause for effect>

Third and final warning.  I am reminding you that you are choosing to read this, even though I have warned you three times.  It will/may offend you.

Okay, so to you two who have hung around ……

The truth be told, there are certain Facebook status updates that really do my head in.

I love Facebook – well mostly.

I have been struggling with insomnia for some time, and there is always something happening on Facebook between 2am and 6am, of course that might depend on the sort of people you hang around with and their respective time zones.

No doubt you post some of these ludicrous status updates.  I probably post some Facebook updates that annoy ME and you equally!

These are a few that I see that raise my eyebrow slightly.

The “I love my husband more than anything” post – great, tell him yourself.

Unless he is in Alaska and the only way you can communicate is through Facebook.  But if you live in the same house, is it not just a bit odd?

<I will confess to posting a Facebook update to Kennith once, and asked if he could make me some tea.  In my defense I was in bed, and he was in the lounge and I knew he was on-line.  And I did not want to scream down the passage and wake the kids, nor did I want to get out of bed to go and ask him.  I did get my tea, so there are times when it does work if there is a clear objective.>

<I also asked Kennith on FB if he would buy us John Cleese tickets.  I felt I would get a quicker reaction has he have a very close relationship with his iphone….>

The only time this sort of Facebook status update is acceptable if your husband is Brad Pitt or George Clooney – then you mention him by name in EVERY SOLITARY FACEBOOK STATUS update.

But that status update is worth reading, because it would make me ludicrously jealous – and you have Brad or George, you really do not have to give a fig about what anyone else thinks and you can post pretty much anything you like.

You HAVE Brad or George!!

I am almost sure there is a link/study somewhere of the frequency that you must announce your love to someone on Facebook and the length of your relationship, or the time between the post and the pending divorce.

The “I am so sad” post – cryptic?  Yes, which means I have to ask why are you sad.  Me and 27 other people. Of course I cannot push the “LIKE” button as that will be weird.

So we all have to go “what is wrong sweetie?” and then the person picks one person and goes “Jane I will PM you …”

Fk that does not help the other 26 of us, because clearly it was favouritism, and I have been left out of the circle, unless I am Jane that day.

Use your 144 characters “I am sad because …. and then add something interesting… for instance “I am sad because I cannot access my tampon and need to get to the doctor so he can remove it” or what ever – just finish your damn thought already.

Why be cryptic?  You are not the international man of mystery.  Or are you?

Now that would be interesting.  But sadly the truth usually leaves us a bit disappointed.  Do not build up hype unless you have such a cool ending.

The “I am speaking to someone who is not on Facebook” post i.e. dead family member, your one year old baby or granny who clearly does not Facebook” – again… not sure how this works, but okay.

If you are wishing your child happy birthday – then do it with swagger, because really they are not going to read it.  Something like “364 days ago + 9 months I was having sex with Harry, and his sperm won the race and impregnated one of my ovulated eggs, and now we have Kerry!!  Cool day huh?”

Now that makes interesting reading.

The “I have just bought a goat in Farmville” post – seriously?  But yes, and it appears it is the coolest game around, with like a zillion players/members.  It is the most downloaded application.

Hey we all do things differently but if that sets your arse alight, well then clearly farmville/whoreville or what ever is fab.  It seems.

Maybe, just set it so that it does not update your status updates – because logic tells me that no one sees that and goes “Cool Jennifer has a new donkey, excelllent, good on her!  She is such a cool chick! I am so crushing on her donkey.”

My guess is most people (or it could be just me) are starting to think unsavoury thoughts of you and farm animals.

Well I am.  But again if Farmville is your thing, and you want the man in the dungarees pictured on your facebook wall, then rock on.

You have a few millions crazies with you on that one.

The “random copy and paste” if you know someone with cancer/bad breath/anal leakage” – again, I do not quite get how copying and pasting that is going to make one iota of difference to anyone’s world especially if you have cancer/bad breath/anal leakage.

I might be in the minority. These posts really do carry weight – because they get cut and pasted like mad – so they must make a difference. Especially if you put a ♥ after it or a dare “I dare you to post this if you have a super mom/dad/uncle/hairy neighbour or a spot of flatulence.”

I seldom can turn down a dare, but I can’t say I have ever been “enticed” to copy and paste a status update.  Well not yet, but I might be lured to the dark side sooner than you know.

I once joined a group “My wife said if I started a group and get 100 000 to join we can call my son Spider Pig.”

Do I think that husband was ever allowed to name his son Spider Pig?  Pretty unlikely.

But it made me smile enough to go along and click “Join.”  I did not believe it and I did not try to run around and get three dozen of my closest friends to vote either.  And I am quite fine with you judging me for it.

The thing that grates my frkn goat (at the moment) is the “please vote for my baby” – because it goes on FOR FKN EVER.  And it is everywhere.

Like a case of the clap on a Contiki tour.

Anyone can enter.  I am not 100% sure it actually has to be your baby.

Last time I checked the page count was a million pages and counting – of babies and babies and then some more babies.  I really started to dazed and confused by about page 10 of this.

I have always felt most babies look like each other – really!!!  I have often arrived to fetch mine and the only form of recognition is I recall what I dressed them in this morning!

So the competition is – you enter your child.  Then run around in a frenzy and get everyone you know to go to the page and “LIKE” your baby.  You paste the link back to every place you can. EVERY FREAKING PLACE!

There is no “DISLIKE” button I already checked.

And really the only thing that is happening is that YOUR baby is not winning.

YOU who has the most social media “friends” does, and I am using this term rather loosely.

Really your baby could be a troll, have three eyes, and a voice like Fran Drescher (from the Nanny) but if you can get 2500 friends to LIKE your baby, your baby wins.

Or goes into the top 10 or 50 I can’t recall – and then the crazy plea for voting starts again.  Everyone is down to zero and it is off again.

You are now within sniffing distance of the prize.  So it will be a frenzy and it needs to be on your daily Facebook status updates – because people can vote EACH DAY!

Oh my giddy aunt, can you say “panic on the dance floor?”

For the site who is running the competition – it is a simple – yet brilliant case of – advertising that gets you and your friends to go onto a page a thousand times a day.  Pushing up that page’s hit rate.

That page/product in turn can sell more advertising because they can say “our site gets 5 000 (or what ever) hits a day.”  They are a business, that is what businesses do – whether you actualy have the Best Baby is irrelevant, it is about who has the “most popular baby” or “who has the most deranged/driven mother.”

Even with my rather limited IQ, see this for what it is.

1.  A competition that is not about the Best Baby – because the Best Baby might belong to a mom in “impoverished area”, who has limited internet access, and 10 really great friends on Facebook – but she does not stand a chance.   So her baby can’t be Best Baby – sorry for you!

2.  The mom who is internet savvy, maybe who has a blog, or what ever, she can generate more Likes.  So odds are on her side as so to speak.

3.  There are FaceBook groups you can join – and then in this group, you are all meant to support each other and go and vote for what ever it is you are entering.  No seriously!!  You join a group of people you do not know, for no other reason than so they can go and LIKE what ever you have entered.

Here are a few you can go and look at – or join –  Exchange of votes here, Contests Exchange Votes/Likes, Vote for me / Vótame, 50 Likes or Votes – the bizarre thing is have a look around and see how many desperate moms (who enter these competitions) have these as groups on their FB pages.

Am I the only person who finds this strange, creepy and …. I was going to say desperate, but maybe that is not the right word?  Maybe it is all fair in competitions of this nature.

I like to win as much as the next guy.

Dude if you were going to give me R10 000.00 Huggies Nappies I would be way excited.  I might even do a few unsavoury things and poke a few friends on Facebook.

But I would sort of draw the line somewhere.  Joining groups of people I don’t know so they will go and vote me and I in turn “vow” to vote for them, might be one place I might not go.  But that is just me, it seems.

Moms dig this shit like there is no tomorrow.  Can someone explain why don’t dads get all excited by this crap?

I suggest if you do not like them – you keep that to yourself.  Moms who enter this type of thing get super charged about it, and best if you do not like the idea, to just shush.

Which brings me to the best competition that I have seen.

I saw a FB status update earlier this week to go and LIKE someone’s post on a National Braai Day competition so that they could win a cow.

A cow!  Livestock!  An actual moo-cow!

It gave me so much pleasure to go and vote for her and hope that she wins a cow, that it made me roar with laughter for several hours.  I used to really ♥ her, but now I adore her.

A cow!  She found and entered a competition to win a cow.  Oh my giddy aunt, it made my heart all sorts of glad.

We started picking out a name, and found the cow a straw hat and we had decided who was going to bring coleslaw.  It was seriously a great cheering up exercise.

She unfortunately did not win, there were a few other people who beat her.  But I believe the next win is a lamb. I am right behind that competition.

I like competitions.

I just wish there was a way that “sponsors” could make them more interesting.

Moomie is running a really interesting one now on “what I would do if I had more time on my hands…” clever competition.  And it needs a bit more thought than just voting yourself into a coma.  It needs a really interesting photo – and then the voting is done by the public and by three judges, so that sort of makes it a bit more fair, on the more socially-media-inept kids, which I like.

<Key note :  I am not suggesting to alter your facebook status in any way – for all I care you can wish a unicorn happy birthday and try to garner votes for it too. I am indicating facebook status updates that I do not enjoy so much.  It is YOUR Facebook and you can say what ever you like – just because I do not like it, does not mean in anyway that I am dictating what you should post.  Remember you wear big person underwear, so what is on your Facebook is your big person decision!  Try and remember that before you send me hate mail and sh*t yourself!>

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28 Comments

  1. Mienkie

     /  August 29, 2011

    loved the post! thanks.

    Reply
  2. Lisa

     /  August 19, 2011

    Loved this post. I laughed hysterically for like 30 minutes, you made my Friday and I so share your sentiments about Facebook, stauts updates and those baby competitions!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 19, 2011

      Glad you enjoyed it Lisa.
      I suggest you keep it to yourself if you do not like updates or baby competitions – people really get into a lather about it. Like epic sh&t.

      Reply
  3. Can someone please explain to me why it is necessary for EVERYONE on your facebook friends list to get farmville crap? Shouldnt it just bloody go to the ones who joined farmville??? Sometimes my timeline on facebook is covered (and I mean like 30 or so posts in a row) of someone needing, or selling or breeding something!

    Reply
    • Yasmin, you can remove all Farmville posts from your wall. Just hover your mouse to the right of any farmville post and when you see a cross, click on it and select Remove all by Farmville and voila! no more Farmville posts!! I would have gone mental if I had not done that.

      Reply
  4. Julz

     /  August 17, 2011

    The frigging countdowns are doing my head in at the moment. 8 Days to go, 7 days to go and then eventually they get to hours and you still have no clue what they are counting down to. Actually why do I care? Then as you say one person asks what is happening in x number of days and they say I will pm you. GRRRRRR and again why do I care?

    PS We miss you.

    Reply
  5. countess

     /  August 17, 2011

    SERIOUSLY funny. The cellulite from the bottom of my tummy to my double chins shook and wobbled with every belly laugh while reading this post. Well done to you, well done I say!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  6. Ha ha and LOL etc. I love this post so much I am going to link to it in my status update!! I too entered a baby competition last year and annoyed all my IRL friends/colleagues/family/FB friends/Mommalicious Mommas cummunity/etc etc you get the drift! Twice!! I once made the top ten for about 5 seconds and was so chuffed!! But I have seen the error of my ways and really, I know my babbaloo is totally gorgeous and those competitions are just popularity contests for the mother, so whatever! SO over it!

    I also have friends on FB who are always sending each other messages via status updates. And one you have not mentioned which is toilet updates!! Really we do not need to know what is happening to the prawns you had for dinner last night!

    Reply
  7. Jo-Anne Donaldson

     /  August 17, 2011

    LOVE this post!!

    I also hate the “repost this or get hit by lightning or infested with pubic lice!!” The joining a page filled with strangers who you dont know froma bar of soap also does not sit well with me! What if inbetween the 1000’s of strangers a loony pedo crazy is hiding! You get that loony/pedo/crazy to go view a pic of your CHILD!! I WILL PASS thanx!

    I am still VERY upset that I did not win that cow!! *sulking* Me and you RM had such BIG plans for her! Better luck next time hey!! Will keep trying for the sheep!!

    Reply
  8. Having a really good guffaw over this post! Thanks 🙂

    Reply
  9. Loretta

     /  August 17, 2011

    What’s with baby competitions anyway?? I have never understood the rationale around wanting your baby to the best looking baby!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 17, 2011

      I will settle with just being able to recognise my child in a room with similiar looking children!

      Reply
    • Julz

       /  August 17, 2011

      It really isn’t about the baby. It is about the prize. Sad.

      Reply
      • For me it was to do with bragging rights, more of a case of ‘Look what I made!!’ and showing your friends and family that your baby is famous!! Anyway, as I said, I got over it!!

        Reply
  10. Scared & Imperfect Mother

     /  August 17, 2011

    Love this post

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 17, 2011

      You know someone if not several someones are going to march over and bitch slap me …again ….. I will just wait it out …….

      Reply
  11. I think the most annoying for me is the attention seeking ones you mentioned. Urban dictionary refers to them as vaguebooking. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Vaguebooking

    See they are so rampant they even have their own name!!

    Another pet hate is something that Julie mentioned on the forum. People should really not be allowed to block their profile pages. It seriously inhibits stalking. Totally not ayoba. Only ‘I’ should be allowed to block mine from ex boyfriends and mortal enemies.

    Now a facebook competition to win a boob job and liposuction. That would probably make facebook spontaneously combust and make the earth shift a little on it’s axis. I would enter for sure!

    Reply
    • Kirsten

       /  August 17, 2011

      I almost stood up at my desk and applauded when I read your comment about vaguebooking!! People who do that make my teeth hurth!

      Reply
      • reluctantmom

         /  August 17, 2011

        vaguebooking = new urban dictionary word of the day!
        Who said blogging does not teach you anything!

        Reply
  12. Sharon

     /  August 17, 2011

    Love it Celeste!
    I agree, there are plenty of Facebook updates out there that make me roll my eyes and wish I could press the “unlike” button!
    I’m guilty of some of those annoying updates to, I think we all are.
    And I also fell for one of those stupid Vote for my baby competitions. ONCE and a few days in I contacted the competition organizers and asked them to remove my entry, I hated that I had to irritate people to garner votes and it felt like I was pimping my child and she’s just to gorgeous for that anyway! 🙂
    I love the Win A Cow one! I’d also totally vote for that. I’m all about being entertained and that would be highly entertaining.
    I also can’t stand how some people do nothing but whine on Facebook and my other pet peeve is people who fight with each other on Facebook. Really now! I don’t think Facebook was intended to be a school yard!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 17, 2011

      I really do like Facebook – even the annoying status updates.
      The bitch slaps.
      The I am so annoyed as I am having my period.
      The I hate my husband. The I love my husband.
      I actually love it all – even the ones that irritate me.

      There is an epic FB bitch slapping group that opened up about two days ago – I know I hae had a crap few days, but this poor chick is getting toasted, grilled and burnt on a stake.
      FB (and forums) can be brutal.

      Reply
  13. Tania

     /  August 17, 2011

    good piece
    glad you admit you have slipped up too
    keep it up

    Reply
  14. I am looking for the ”like” button for this post. Well said! I enjoyed every single word.

    Reply
  15. tan32

     /  August 17, 2011

    lol you made my morning
    Ps I’m guilty but lol I know what saying and agree

    Reply
    • Charne

       /  August 17, 2011

      I was waiting for this post….. I soooooo hope the “crazies” read this and that they see my reply to: “Hi there ladies”…………….

      Reply
      • Scared & Imperfect Mother

         /  August 17, 2011

        Charne – you were not the only one waiting…

        Reply
  1. You can win a cow … actual livestock … (via The Reluctant Mom’s Blog) « Scaredmom's Blog

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