Pinterest …. why are thou … I don’t know, but I truly love you ….

I like to stare at stuff.

I do.

I love sitting, drinking tea and just staring at people.

Sometimes I stare into space.

Who am I kidding?  I stare into space a great deal.

It is not totally zombie-staring.  My brain is in full function and is busy concocting plans, trying to find the quickest way to get from point A and point B, and I sort of like that-just-sitting-state.  Well that is the way I like to excuse it at any rate.

I am not sure how or why www.pinterest.com came into being.  I am not clear who sits in the background and hosts this lot.

<<yes I could google the background.  but I prefer not to as I like the magic it is>>

I am so in loved with pinterest it is frightening.  Basically Facebook can bugger off in to the sunset for all I care, I am quite happy to sit and stare at pininterest.

There is something about the site that makes me feel a bit happier.  It makes me feel inspired.  It makes me feel that I too can crochet a fabulous outfit, and do my hair with panaché.  I get an injection of creativity each day.

Granted I have done nothing on my “stuff I would like to do” but I like that I smile at all this random stuff.

I have not figured out how to actually pin stuff.  I have people “following” me who must be filled with a sense of disappointment, as I have yet to pin anything.

But I know how to stare and drool a bit and have been doing that quite successfully for about 8 days now.

This without a doubt has been my favourite thing I saw on http://pinterest.com/pin/259783967/.

I have no idea whether it is true or not.  But I know I do love chickens.  And this is just the kind of thing that would happen in houise (I snort laughed at this one):

Laughing so hard Im crying….

“This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“.

Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.

And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.    me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.

He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”    Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.

And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh.

Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.

The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.

It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.

Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.

Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.

Two whole weeks early.

15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.

Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.

Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor.

Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.

Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.

And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.

Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.

Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.

Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.

Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.

Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

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10 Comments

  1. JULZ

     /  October 4, 2011

    Oh my gawd this is too funny!!! T H A N K S!!!!!!

    (Quickly, go get the towels before Kennith has a change of heart!).

    Reply
  2. Hilary

     /  October 4, 2011

    Funny story. Love, love pinterest – can tell right away that I could spend quite a bit of time browsing around there. Thanks for the heads up.

    Reply
  3. Shit, I spelled Kennith’s name wrong. Typing error, promise!

    Reply
  4. This is hilarious! Oh my word. Kenneth, why do I spot a bit pf nervousness in your reply?…

    Reply
  5. I loved the chicken story – brought tears to my eyes I laughed so much!

    Reply
  6. have read the this Blog post. very funny. have heard of pinterest. but only been on the site once. will now go again and suss it out, such is my stalking of you! ha ha

    Reply
  7. Ahh I see you have also discovered the Bloggess, she is brilliant!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  October 3, 2011

      I haven’t — but I will go and look now.
      I did not notice the reference as I had seen this chicken story so many times, and just linked it back.

      But if this is an example of her work, then I am so totally finding her. After I finish on pinterest.

      Reply
  8. Kennith

     /  October 3, 2011

    It’s okay. You can get the bath towels dear…

    Reply
  1. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened …. |

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