Eat with your damn mouth closed …. cheese and rice …..

Some days my blog writes itself.

Some days I come up with such “new age” parenting ideas, but I think that it is a bit of an “idea before it’s time”.

Some days I come up with such great ideas, and wonder why I am not Parent of the Year EVERYFRKN Year.

Some days I am in awe of my brilliance.

Some days I wonder whether my kids actually phone Childline once I am in bed at night.

Today was a bit of all of those.

The scene: Dinner in our household.  Weekends we usually eat together at the dinner table.  During the week kids eat earlier and Kennith and I eat together much later.  This evening, dinner at the diningroom table.  Isabelle in high chair, Georgia next to me, Kennith sitting next to Connor.  Me and Kennith.

Menu: Cold chicken and very crunchy salad and a pasta salad.

Problem:  Kids are chewing with their mouths open.

Reaction:  Drives me off my frikn rocker.  I keep saying “chew with your mouth closed” then it escalated to “seriously guys chew with your mouth closed” and finally it is at the stage where I am saying “if you guys continue to eat like animals I am going to give you a plastic chair and make you eat dinner in the back garden!”

Yes, that might have been a bit harsh, but to be honest, I might have been happier if I took my plate and glass of wine and went to sit in the tranquility of the back garden.

Eventually an idea occurred to me.

It was a really good idea.

It was not a good politically correct idea.

It was not a good mothering/parenting idea.

It was an effective idea that would have immediate results.

Me: “I think I am going to pop down to the shop and get one of those dog-collars that has an electric shock buzzer.  You two will wear the collars.  I will have the buzzer.  Who ever I hear chewing will get a small electric shock.  See it as behaviour modifying.”

Connor: “Huh…”

Me: “I really am at my wit’s end …. I think an electric shock will be cool …….zzzttttt …… see how effective it is?  Connor you can have a green button, with a green collar, Georgia you can have a red collar and a red button.”

Connor – who now has thought about seeing his sister being shocked: “Hey I like that idea!”

Me: “Connor you do understand you will also be shocked.”

Connor: “Yes but I will see Georgia will be shocked …. that will be cool.  Can we get one?”

Me: “I think it would be better if we had a foot panel, so we could push that as then you will not see the hand move and know you are about to be shocked.  I could just push the foot panel, and you or Georgia will get a little zzttt …..”

Connor: “Yes, let’s get that. <still dreaming of his sister being electrocuted> Do they sell them?”

Me: “I wish …. I think there is a market, but I think that people might not think it is such a good idea…”

Connor: <still enamored that his sister might be shocked and he could watch> Can we make one?”

Me: “I wish my boy I wish ….”

I then spent the remainder of the meal with my “imaginary” button on the dining room table going “zzztttt.”

Connor thought it was brilliant.

Georgia totally ignored me and continued chewing with her mouth open.

… I do have some reservations that there might be a bit of a public outcry with the introduction of this product … but can you imagine the uses …. endless ……..I am only talking about a small little electric jolt, I am not suggesting roasting skin ……it’s okay, child services already know my number …. I am available any time to take their call …….

Image source:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2009/aug/13/children-restaurants-kids-week-menu

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