Mommy you are really looking happy ….

Yesterday when I fetched Connor from school, he said: “Mommy you are really looking happy.”

Me: “Thanks for noticing my boy, I am feeling happy … but why do you say it?”

Connor: “You just look happy.  I don’t know why.  Are you happy about something?”

Me: “No my boy, I am feeling happy that is all, nothing really, just feeling happy.”

And that really is it. <<I can’t tell you how thrilled I was that he noticed…>>

I am not better, but I am on the mend.

My head is less filled with the negative/kill myself/kill all of you/oh my gawd I am being targeted thinking.

My head is actually quiet.  I do realise it sounds a bit “insane” to say “the voices in my head are quiet.” But they are. This constant internalised conversations that go on and on … all day … all night are quiet.

I can just sit.  And sit.  In silence.  Because there is no noise in my head.

I feel remarkably happy. Not “skip and sing the sound of music” happy, but definitely lighter, more free, and my head is just not as busy as it was before.

I sit and I smile. Just because I do.

I feel a definite sense of creativity.

There are little projects that I have started, and feel motivated to do. I sit in my garden on the old wooden chair, I dusted off and positioned amongst the lavender.  I listen to the bees buzzing, I sip my wine, I feel the coolness of the glass in my hand, and I just feel a sense of calm. Of peace.  Of silence.  Of not internally screaming.

I am not sure whether it is working with Dr CBT, the medication, Dr Pill-Pusher, the fact that I am sleeping, or the time that I hid away from life in the clinic.

I have no idea what to attribute it to.

I feel a sense of happiness.  A genuine happiness that I have not felt in what feels like forever.  I smile when I see my children and I see Kennith, just because they make my glad inside.

It’s a nice feeling.

It is also a  strange feeling I don’t know what to do with it.  I just sit with it right now.  And smile a bit.

<stay away black dog, for fuck sake say away, you are not wanted here!!!>

Leave a comment


  1. This makes me very happy

  2. Wonderful!
    It’s probably the combination of everything that is working. A winning combo!

    This was so wonderful to read.

    Just enjoy it. Don’t question it.

  3. So good to hear (read?). Whatever the reason, long may it continue. Shoo doggy

  4. I adore you. Plain and simple a statement as that is, its the honest truth.
    I loooooove your new blog look as well.
    Is it too much to say you’re my “She-ro”?

  5. Colleen

     /  November 18, 2011

    I am soooo thrilled to read this blog entry ! You have just made my day – I am so happy to see you are feeling happier !!

  6. Charlotte

     /  November 18, 2011

    So happy that you are smiling! 😉

  7. That is so awesome!

    I read this last night and thought of you… not sure how much of it relates, but at the very least the picture at the end made me smile 🙂

  8. Alice

     /  November 18, 2011

    Can’t tell you how it makes my heart sing to hear that. It’s been a tough road, but so good to know the hard work is paying off. May the feeling grow and grow. xxx

    • reluctantmom

       /  November 18, 2011

      Thanks chick, I do feel much better ….. always a bit paranoid “the dog will return” but right now, I feel really good.

  9. May the black dog sense your determination and slink away filled with shame…

    Keep smiling. And sitting. And just being.


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