Bathroom dilemma …

This is exactly what I go through each time I go to a public bathroom.

I can’t wee unless someone is flushing a chain, or there is no one in the bathroom.  I literally sit there and “knuip” while I wait for them to leave, or flush.  And then I can only wee as long as the flush lasts.

I am not sure what exactly will happen if they hear me in the bathroom.  But I am too scared to risk it.

I would have to have full on diarrhea to do a number 2 in a public bathroom.

Forget – I would rather drive home.  From anywhere.  And I have.

Why can’t scam artists spell?

I really do not mind getting “you have won £1,000,000.00” emails.

It allows me a moment of hope and fantasy.

Listen it is better than “p&nis enlargement” cream, which to be honest I have not received as yet, possibly because I do not have a p&nis and thus do not fall into the target market range.

I love reading a story about how a diplomat’s father died and left him a few million dollars and if I was able to assist I would receive a million dollars for my trouble.

I get a warm feeling when Mr. Smith refers to me as Dear Friend, and suggests I help him out of a pickle.  He relies on our friendship.  He always appears willing to pay me for my time, which really is a sign of a good friend if there ever was one.

I read all of them.  I give each email the time it deserves.  I smile towards the end and then I delete the email – usually.

I would rather get 10 scam emails per day, than receive one call from a call centre sales agent, trying to sell me a cell phone contract or wanting to tell me I have qualified for a larger loan or service.

I feel for them, call operators.  We all have to do a job.  But to be honest, I would rather club seals, or be the seal and be clubbed.

Back to scam artists.  It irks me when the person tasked with writing a scam email does not take the time to run a basic spell and grammar check.   Where is the pride in your craft people? <<that being said there are several spelling and grammatical errors on the SA Blog Awards website that drives me to distraction – maybe it is the same copy writer?>>

One spelling error and the happiness is over for me.  It is like someone shat in my tea.  I really feel quite taken aback, and I grimace.

I, on the other hand, am “permitted” to make spelling and grammar errors aplenty – I am not attempting to extort large sums of money from you via my Nigerian counterpart.

I am suggesting a few basic rules for Master Scam Emailer Draft People :-

1.  Do not stretch logos – EVER.  Logos and images are meant to be re-sized IN PROPORTION.  You can get so many great logos on the web.  Use some time to find a decent one with the correct resolution.

2.  Do not use the salutation “Dear Recipient or Beneficiary.”  It makes me doubt your commitment to creating a working document with a decent enough merge data document.  My son is 9 and he can do a successful mail merge.

3.  Never ever use a font that looks like courier or comic sans.  NEVER.  Don’t do it.  Just don’t.

4.  Do not use clip art on the letter.  It is okay to use a gold stamp or a gold looking stamp.  I have the same “consumer rationale” when I choose wine.  If it has a gold label on it, I am more likely to buy it.  Even if the company selling the wine made their own “gold label” and put it on the bottle.

5.  Why put the name of  person who is writing the letters in the subject line?  It is unlikely that I am going to get excited about seeing DR EDWARD FOX in the subject header.  Discuss your marketing aims internally and then look at revamping your subject header.  I think “YOU HAVE WON AN EXHORBITANT SUM OF MONEY AND THIS IS NOT A SCAM” is pretty catchy and seems LEGIT.

6.  Your letters does go on a bit.  It needs a call to action.   I need to know what I must do.  Apply pressure on me to do it and quickly.  This one does not.

7.  I am no technical genius, but there is no way I am going to take a mail from a yahoo/gmail or hotmail address seriously.  You need to get your shit together in this regard.  I don’t have a solution yet to prevent you being arrested, but give this some thought.

8.  101 spelling/grammatical error – shame on you,!!

9.  Reset the entire  document so that it looks like it comes from one person.  Rather than the rather hectic ‘copy and paste’ which you presently have going on.  Dude, if you are too lazy to format the thing to have one font, one colour and common margin guides, then I cannot spend any more of my time on this.  Typesetters are like R40.00 an hour, for shit sake, have some pride.

10.  Ask a person who has the language you are sending out as a first language to read over your document.  English is fairly mainstream, and if you are going to write it, just find someone who can spell gud.

Guys, all you need is to stick to some basic design rules, and use spell check – it’s free with MS Word, it is not a paid for add on application.

I am making a data base of all the “scam email addresses” that I get sent, and I am going to send my offering to them offering a “introduction to scam letter” course.

Here is my latest offer from…… Dr EDWARD FOX – UNITED NATIONS ….. yep, seems LEGIT!!