The unthinkable has happened …

I am taking deep breaths, I am trying to find a brown bag to exhale in.

I am trying to get the screw top lid off the Chenin Blanc and it is 09h38 on a Monday morning.

Pepe has just had “the talk” with me.  She sat down on my bed, took my hand in hers, looked me in the eye, and said: “It’s not you, it is me. I need to start to see other people.  I need to start to go to interviews and look for another job …. please don’t cry………”

I picked up my pen, opened my diary, as it always looks composed in a situation of high stress and pending doom to check your dates.

It also gives you an opportunity to look down, so someone cannot see the tears in your eyes, and then you can doodle random shit in your diary along the lines of “Please help me, do not forsake me, please help me…” I find a rather soothing doodle.

Especially if you add a little doodle flower next to it.

So, Pepe has given me my walking papers.  I am trying to let her go with an open heart, and a smile – when in reality I want to scream: “Oh Gd please stay, please stay, love me, love me and stay, I will do anything, just stay……. I can’t live without you …. I won’t live without you …. I refused to live with you …. please for all things that are good and true stay with me….”

I hugged her skirts, and wept.  It did not help.

She needs a non-sleep-in job so that she can bring her daughter down from Zimbabwe and have her live with her.  Her daughter is 16, and she wants her here now – totally understandable.

I tried to be the bigger person. I tried not to have a full-blown panic attack. I am breathing.  I am drinking another cup of tea.

I am wondering how long the calm will last before I start having an anxiety attack.

So far I am just past the five-minute gap and am still counting my breathing through it.  My armpits are feeling a tad moist and hot, and I have developed a small river of sweat down my back, and my neck is starting to itch.

I am in stage one of my five stages of grief and loss.  Presently I am in “Denial and Isolation” … more on the denial.  But that being said, I have locked myself in my room with my dog, under the guise of having to work.

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12 Comments

  1. Charne

     /  January 31, 2012

    You’ll get over it (what else you going to do, right?)

    I’m sure you are sad to see her leave, but you will find someone else and life will go on. And as Kennith says, with a drivers licence!!!! (The possibilities there are endless!)

    Good luck – plenty more Pepe’s out there and you are going to get a PEPE Upgrade!!!!

    Reply
  2. Kennith

     /  January 31, 2012

    Great opportunity to find a live in maid with a drivers liscence!! Kill two birds and you will have a stone to spare – which right now you probably want to throw at me.

    In reality, Pepe is not as good as she should be, but we look over it because we like her.

    The real problem is that she is not telling us when she is leaving, so you are going to walk around with this constant angst that today will be the day, which is going to stress you out more.

    I think you and her must set a departure date, so we can find someone else and make a clean break, else it is going to drive you insane! More so than usual!

    Reply
    • Sharon

       /  January 31, 2012

      Aaah! Kennith, the voice of reason! Celeste, your Kennith really is a good egg! I would add a smiley face but don’t want to fluster or irritate you further! LOL!

      Reply
  3. Hilary

     /  January 31, 2012

    Please try to breath and relax. As Kennith mentioned in a previous post – there is always another Pepe out there. Shucks there’s tons of people looking for work. The mission will be to sort through the loonies and murderers and finding the perfect match. It’s always best, as you would know, to go on personal recommendation from someone you know. What is it that Pepe does everyday besides of course the cleaning? Isabella’s at school for 5 days isnt she? You’re shuttling kids am and pm? I myself hate change so I cannot preach to you but maybe this will be a change for the good? Maybe? Hmmmm?

    Reply
  4. carmin

     /  January 31, 2012

    I am a nanny. I know how hard this is for Pepe, and for you, we (nanny’s) know you will struggle but we only pluck up the courage to leave when we know you will be okay. Everything is always fine in the end, if its not fine, its not the end. Xx

    Reply
  5. OMG. Good luck. I would have a heart-attack if my nanny left, so I can totally relate, hugs

    Reply
  6. Colleen

     /  January 31, 2012

    NONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!

    I am so sorry…. I cant believe it. I know she has to live her life too but it doesnt make it any better for you…

    Reply
  7. Sharon

     /  January 31, 2012

    Oh F*CK! Shite! I feel your pain! I’ve made Loveness swear she’ll never leave me!

    Reply
  8. Build a house for her in your garden so she can live there with the daughter!! Do it!!! Do it NOW!

    OR pull a Fattis and Monis move and keep her locked in the cupboard at night – seriously – desperate times – desperate measures!

    Reply
  9. oh my hat. not a nice situation to be in, but you’ll be fine. seriously fine. house will be in a mess, kids will irratate the heck out of you…but you’ll be fine.

    Reply
  10. Romaine

     /  January 31, 2012

    OH MY HAT you had a feeling this was coming 😦 TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE. On the bright side Kenneth has said it you will find someone to replace her, however I do feel your pain…. BIG CYBER HUG sent to you.

    Reply
  11. I would break down like a child if it had to be me.
    I feel your pain. I have a total unhealthy attachment to my nanny too.
    Lots of hugs to you hun.

    Reply

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