Showering … and the fantasy of an uninterrupted two minutes …

To paint the scene – Pepe is on leave this week, so that should hint at how crazy the mornings are.

This morning, I thought I would risk it and shower this morning, rather than last night.

I fell out of bed, went to wake kids.

Connor and Georgia were awake and had got dressed.  I don’t know how, I had not put out their clothes.  I was sure they had used the dirty old clothes from yesterday.  I decided to let it go, and rejoice in the fact they were dressed.

Got kids to breakfast table – put Pronutro into respective bowls.  Isabelle decided she did not want milk in her bowl, so proceeded to eat dry Pronutro.

I was lathering kids with sunblock while they were eating breakfast, kept reminding Georgia to eat her food – I need to do this every 45 seconds or she drifts off and forgets.

I did Georgia’s hair for school, Connor went to brush his teeth, Isabelle continued to manoeuvre dried Pronutro into her mouth.

She has opted not to take milk with Pronutro … I have stopped trying to convince her otherwise, and now just put her milk in a cup for her to drink spill over the counter.

Finished hair, sent Georgia to the bathroom to brush teeth, checked Connor’s teeth for quality of brushing, dressed Isabelle, took Isabelle to the bathroom, got toothpaste on her toothbrush, got Georgia’s toothbrush and toothpaste.

Bear in mind Georgia has already been in the bathroom for 10 minutes with the only direction to brush teeth. She STILL had neither touched her toothbrush nor picked up the toothpaste.

I have no idea what she was doing in the bathroom.  Sanity has stopped me questioning this any more.

Got girls brushing, barked an order at Connor to please feed Annabelle (the dog.)

I got into the shower.  Realised that as I took the clip out my hair, and my hair did not move, that I needed to wash my hair.

I step in to the shower.

Connor calls me: “Where is the dog food?”

Me: “In the spare room….”

Connor: “Where..?”

Me – swearing under my breath first:”It is in the spare room, it is the only bright orange bag of dog food in the spare room….JUST LOOK!’

Connor: “Found it..”

Me – brushing teeth in the shower – Georgia walks in and starts talking: ‘Uhm …… uhm……. mommy ……….uhm….”

Me with the curtain pulled back, toothpaste dripping down my chin: “Yes Georgia….”

Georgia: “Uhmmmm …. mommy ….. uhmm …… you know …… uhmm …. you know ….. mommy …. at school …. you know ….uhm …. mommy ….at school you know …. uhm …..”

Me realising that I was officially going to lose my mind!

Georgia totally obtuse to my tortured face peering out the side of the shower curtain: “Uhm mommy ….. at ……. school ….. there is a science fare …..uhm …. mommy …. you know … at school ……..”

Good grief, seriously!!!

Georgia: “uhm … at school … you know there is a science fair …… you know …. and we can buy things ….”

Me: “Georgia, I am not giving you money to buy things at school ….”

Georgia: “Eowwwwww…”

Me: “Just let me SHOWER! PLEAEESSEEEE for god sake!”

Connor from outside: “Where is Annabelle’s bowl?”

Me: “Connor look, just look – it is there outside ……”

Connor: “But where?”

Me: “Look, just look, look towards the floor area …… LOOK DAMMIT JUST LOOK……”

Connor: “I can’t find it…..”

Me – thinking – seriously I need to get that child’s eyes tested again.

Connor: “Found it…”

Me – for fk sake, just let me shower.

Kennith walks in to the bathroom.

Kennith believes that shower curtains have a special chemical that blocks sound waves.  So when he talks to me he must jerk the curtain back.  Allowing cold air in, whilst I stand attemping to risk/soap/rinse myself.

Kennith: “Georgia is only having one pour of milk with her pronutro, if she does not eat it in time, then it goes hard and she does not get any more milk…”

Me …. losing the will to live …… but still have a glimpse of the will to have a shower ….

Sort of nodding, because right now I would agree to painting the house purple if it would mean I could just shower in peace.

Kennith: “Okay Georgia ….”

Me – wondering why I am a part of this — and cannot shower by myself.

Georgia: “Okay ….” Georgia leaves the bathroom.

Kennith: “Okay bye …” – Kennith leans forward to kiss me goodbye – I make the effort to atleast wipe the conditioner which has dripped down my face off my mouth.  My left eye is searing in pain, but I have decided that it is not worth the effort to rinse properly.

I move the curtain back, try to rinse the toothpaste foam from my face, which has now mixed with the conditioner and more than likely is having a reaction with the urine running down my leg.

I can’t lie – some days it is just easier to pee in the shower …. there I said it.

Isabelle appears: ‘Muuuuuuuummmmm ……….. muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm….”

She has just started saying Mum – but then does not end it with anything further, so she gets my attention, but then confused me as I am trying to figure out what it is she is trying to say.

Me: “Yes Isabelle….”

Isabelle: ‘Muuuuuuuummmmm ……….. muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmm….”

Me – for fk sake people please just let she shower.

Georgia: “We are playing hide and seek, and Isabelle is hiding ….”

Me –  wondering how she is hiding when she is standing in the middle of the bathroom and clearly not hiding her bulk well.

Me: “Great girls, can you go and play in the room, I will be there now….”

And so it went on.

I am sure showers are meant to be invigorating refreshing experiences – I am not sure that is the way it goes in my home.

I have also realised that it is pointless trying to close the door, as then I will have Isabelle throwing her weight up against the door crying/screaming/invoking the apocolapse, and I would have to get out the shower to go and open the door and then return to the shower.

I really have dreams where I am showering, alone, uninterrupted … I really don’t care if it ends with Norman Bates stabbing me in the end, at least I get two minutes of uninterrupted shower time.

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7 Comments

  1. Alexandra

     /  February 7, 2012

    Glad to know that I am not the only one with a child that insists on eating dry pronutro, I insist on milk so that’s in the glass.

    I have at times resorted to tv in order to get an uninterrupted shower but this generally doesn’t happen on school days.

    Reply
  2. Tarryn

     /  February 5, 2012

    Hi Celeste! Just spotted this cartoon & thought of you! http://lockerz.com/s/170098126

    Reply
  3. Taryn

     /  February 4, 2012

    You are fantastic, I love your stories, this one in particular resonates with my morning shower experiences.

    Reply
  4. Shame, you have my sympathies! But very funny!

    Reply
  5. Hilary

     /  February 3, 2012

    I’ve had those moments when I contemplate peeing in the shower but have never done it. Probably because my shower’s over the bath and then I think I’ll have to get out and scrub the tub. So not worth the effort!!! Good for you for having the balls to admit doing it though.

    Reply
  6. I agree, funny in a cringy kind of way because I know it so well. I usually shower at night when babes are sleeping but if I want a morning shower I have to grab it before hubby leaves the house. He’ll entertain the kids for a precious ten mins, after that he’ll release them into the bathroom to let me know my time’s up!

    Reply
  7. Bwahahaha. It’s funny reading but not so funny ‘cos it happens in my house too. I’ve done the showering with the door open but still I need me time. Now, I shower when everyone is in bed and before evryone wakes up so that I can at least have a quiet peaceful shower…

    Reply

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