The one where the nanny left …. and the mommy went (more) loony ….

Pepe’s last day was yesterday.  I dealt with it by not dealing with it.  I knew the day was coming, but decided not to talk about it, to think about it, or to mentally prepare for it.

I really felt dreadful yesterday as I knew it was the day – and even ignoring it, would not change the fact that it was “the day.”

I really felt in a bit of a state yesterday.  I was sad.  I was anxious.  I was uncomfortable.  I was afraid.  I felt panicky and stressed all day.

Day ended and I got home.  Pepe had all her stuff packed up, and I just felt awkward and as much as I did not want her to go, I did want her to leave so I could then go “okay that is finished…”

I went to drop her off at the station, and I felt very sad.  I hate awkward situations, and can’t do people leaving or people dying.  It is like I can’t sort through the reactions and emotions to find the “right” one, so it makes me feel jumpy, edgy, itchy and irritable, because I feel scattered.

Left the station and I felt really sad.  I had taken Connor along for the drive.  He decided to lighten the mood by talking about the death penalty.  So instead of driving quietly and thinking about Pepe, and how I will cope without her, I spoke about the legal system, the death penalty, which countries use the death penalty, and described the three ways (that I know of) to execute someone – I had hanging, electrocution and lethal injection.

Sobering stuff.

We got home and we were going to have dinner with a friend celebrating her second 40th birthday.  I probably should have shut myself up in my room, and sat there quietly.  My brain was not really able to do a social situation, when I felt this panicky, stressed and anxious.  My head was in full “panic” and “scared” mode.

I am really upset that Pepe is not with us anymore – this is “the thing” that I have worried about for four years.  Always worried she will leave me and my life will start to fall apart, one brick at a time.

Now she has left …. and I glance around in horror … waiting for the crumbling ….

 

Yes, I realise I am being a bit melodramatic, but I am not having a fabulous day.

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5 Comments

  1. julz

     /  March 1, 2012

    Thinking of you. x

    Reply
  2. Karen

     /  March 1, 2012

    Tattoo on your wrist like I did: Air in, Air out, Air in, Air out. You will be fine! xxx

    Reply
  3. Sharon

     /  March 1, 2012

    It is devastating, she’s been a part of your family and now she’s gone. I’ve made Loveness promise she will never leave me!
    Have you found someone else in the interim?
    Hang in there!

    Reply
    • yes, have you?

      Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 1, 2012

      I have done some interviews and have three promising ladies …. so it is not all doom and gloom … but it is just a bit daunting starting the entire relationship/trust from the start ….

      Reply

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