Pepe’s last day was yesterday. I dealt with it by not dealing with it. I knew the day was coming, but decided not to talk about it, to think about it, or to mentally prepare for it.
I really felt dreadful yesterday as I knew it was the day – and even ignoring it, would not change the fact that it was “the day.”
I really felt in a bit of a state yesterday. I was sad. I was anxious. I was uncomfortable. I was afraid. I felt panicky and stressed all day.
Day ended and I got home. Pepe had all her stuff packed up, and I just felt awkward and as much as I did not want her to go, I did want her to leave so I could then go “okay that is finished…”
I went to drop her off at the station, and I felt very sad. I hate awkward situations, and can’t do people leaving or people dying. It is like I can’t sort through the reactions and emotions to find the “right” one, so it makes me feel jumpy, edgy, itchy and irritable, because I feel scattered.
Left the station and I felt really sad. I had taken Connor along for the drive. He decided to lighten the mood by talking about the death penalty. So instead of driving quietly and thinking about Pepe, and how I will cope without her, I spoke about the legal system, the death penalty, which countries use the death penalty, and described the three ways (that I know of) to execute someone – I had hanging, electrocution and lethal injection.
Sobering stuff.
We got home and we were going to have dinner with a friend celebrating her second 40th birthday. I probably should have shut myself up in my room, and sat there quietly. My brain was not really able to do a social situation, when I felt this panicky, stressed and anxious. My head was in full “panic” and “scared” mode.
I am really upset that Pepe is not with us anymore – this is “the thing” that I have worried about for four years. Always worried she will leave me and my life will start to fall apart, one brick at a time.
Now she has left …. and I glance around in horror … waiting for the crumbling ….
Yes, I realise I am being a bit melodramatic, but I am not having a fabulous day.
julz
/ March 1, 2012Thinking of you. x
Karen
/ March 1, 2012Tattoo on your wrist like I did: Air in, Air out, Air in, Air out. You will be fine! xxx
Sharon
/ March 1, 2012It is devastating, she’s been a part of your family and now she’s gone. I’ve made Loveness promise she will never leave me!
Have you found someone else in the interim?
Hang in there!
countesskaz
/ March 1, 2012yes, have you?
reluctantmom
/ March 1, 2012I have done some interviews and have three promising ladies …. so it is not all doom and gloom … but it is just a bit daunting starting the entire relationship/trust from the start ….