Chemist homework – done …..

{I just gave myself a gold star, because actually I deserve it}

I really do not want to confess that I have spent at least 3 therapy sessions discussing why I cannot go to the pharmacist to explain that he made an error filling my script and I had experienced a bit of a downhill slide.

{understatement on the bit}

My CBT doctor gave me a home work assignment last time and encouraged me to go to the pharmacist and explain he made an error.

We spoke for ages about why it was so difficult for me {I feel at fault, even though it was not my fault, I still do.}

We spoke about what was the worst that could happen if I spoke to the pharmacist. {I would feel embarrassed that I had done something wrong.  I would feel bad that I was making him feel bad.  I was scared he would make it appear that it was my fault … you know because everything always is}

We spoke about the ability to see a situation for what it is.  Facing your fears and appreciating that your perception of something is not always what actually happens/happened/is going to happen – your video feed of a situation is really laced with your own {warped} self-doubt.

Yesterday I went to the pharmacist because I had Dr CBT today.

The idea was to talk to him, and then say “It’s done, I confronted him, look how I roll – word to my hommies!”  {or something of that ilk}

I bought wet wipes and vitamins the size of suppositories I will never use.  I don’t buy vitamins. I do not buy wet wipes that cost R45.00

I did not speak the pharmacist, because I felt too embarrassed to.  I bought my bizarre assortement of items, and left the store.

I had an appointment with Dr CBT today and we discussed the pharmacist, and several other issues.  I did feel a bit embarrassed/annoyed that we were rehashing the pharmacist thing.

The vision I conjure up, the perception that it is all going to go so very badly.  My coping mechanisms that I employ to deal with situations where I think I am going to be uncomfortable, then the anxiety and stress those coping mechanisms create. {repeat cycle ad nauseam}

The issue is not whether I actually confront the pharmacist, the issue is why I won’t and how it is an illustration of what I do in my day-to-day life.  Over and over again.

I avoid situations – at all costs – as I am scared of feeling bad. I am terrified of embarrassing myself, drawing attention to myself.

I am scared of how the other person will react.  I am anxious to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that I imagine will occur.

The result is often that by the time I arrive at a place/space/situation – I am so stressed and anxious about feeling stressed and anxious and worrying I am going to say or do something that will embarrass or draw attention to me.  It is often a bit crippling.

My “coping mechanism” is to do something, or say something, that I know is inappropriate or not “socially acceptable.”  Then I can say to myself “there, done it, now you are embarrassed, people think you are an arse, now get on with your day already!!”

Works.  Not well.  But works. {basically the theory of “Out yourself before someone else does.”}

I did not say it was a healthy coping mechanism, I just indicated it was one I employed.

Anyone after Dr CBT appointment I was feeling quite wired, and wanted to just get this pharmacist confrontation over and done with.

I went in and waited at the counter.  When the pharmacist approached me, I explained I would like to talk to him for a few minutes.

{sweating bullets, thinking everyone is looking at me, feeling embarrassed and highly anxious – and overcoming an overriding need/urge to run screaming out of the pharmacy}

He said, of course.  Finished what he was doing and he led me into a separate little office.

I explained that I had been given the incorrect script in November and it had been repeated over three months, with the result that November, December and January were a bit more shaky than they needed to be.  He has swapped out the medication I was prescribed for a generic and then got the grammage wrong, so I was on the wrong stuff, and too low a level.

He apologised profusely, and then I had a bit of a cry.  And then he gave me a bit of a hug.  Strange pharmacist giving me a bit of a cuddle in the private pharmacy room – nope nothing strange going on here, move along, move along!

I explained to Pharmacist that I was getting better as the medication had been adjusted.  Mr Therapist writes out script, Pharmacist fills it, I put it in my mouth with a sip of water.  That is pretty much how it goes, I do not check and am {wasn’t – am now} not aware of what I am on or the grammage.

When the script had been filled, I had queried it twice, but I was made to feel {or I made myself feel} that I was being silly and should just take the pills, so I did.

He was so great about it – and said that if I wanted to scream at him, it was fine, I should.

He was really kind, really sorry, really apologetic, and really understood how I felt – probably helped he was holding my latest script, and based on the cocktail of drugs on the list he was quickly able to assess that “stability” was not my middle name. It is Lucille actually.

Nothing in this situation was horrible or bad.  Not ONE of the bad/world is ending outcomes that I had imagined and been ruminating over for the last few weeks had occurred.

I don’t feel all sorts of wonderful, but I feel good {well a bit good} and have a real sense of achievement — I realise it is a bit silly and is difficult to explain to someone else.  Who is sane.

I decided to buy myself a cow-patch straw basket that was for sale at the Chemist, it was my reward for being brave!

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10 Comments

  1. Congrats on confronting your chemist! I learned a lot about myself from your post, like I would never ever even consider confronting him, even if he had made a terrible mistake that gravely affected my health, like in your case. I just couldn’t. The confrontation would make me want to die. Perhaps I need some therapy too? Our post office made a stuff up with an ebay sale I made of concert tickets and delivered them too late. I am meant to go and claim back money but I have just left it… for reasons I think you may know.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 27, 2012

      I should tell you the time I bought a bottle of gin {many years ago} and got charged about 65% more – I paid, went to the car, and asked Kennith to go back and get the overcharge back …. I am the worst.

      Reply
  2. Yay for you!!! Often the things we build up into mountains turn out to be molehills (or maybe just hills) but if it is a mountain in your mind then it is a mountain regardless of what it really is (if that makes any sense at all) so well done for conquering that particular mountain.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 27, 2012

      Thank you, it had turned into an “inconquerable” mountain …. in my head ….

      Reply
  3. Yay for you! You deserve that gold star – in fact, you deserve a whole crown of gold stars – for overcoming your fears and talking to the chemist.

    I nearly snorted tea through my nose at your “It’s Lucille actually.” comment. I love your wry, dry, self-deprecating sense of humour. But I think I would still love it if it weren’t self-deprecating.

    I really want to give you a big hug because I’m a hugging kind of person and that hug would say how much I admire you. But I think it might freak you out so I’ll just give you a cyber hug instead which you can accept or reject as you see fit. 😉

    Reply
  4. Yay you! Gold star indeed. Well done for doing it, I’m so glad the chemist was nice about it all, strange cuddles aside.

    Reply
  5. Again, I understand.

    I don’t get how I shy away and don’t want to be noticed, yet am so loud that I am the focus. *sigh*

    Reply
  6. carmin

     /  March 27, 2012

    You’ve made me get my head out of the hole in the ground and make a dentist appointment. Thanks. Guess when they say in Afrikaans ‘gil en spring’ they may have had a point, may being the operative word. 🙂 happy Tuesday and a glass of vino!

    Reply

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