Misophonia … and the urge to stab someone in the eye ….

I have always had a sensitivity to sound and light.  Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t have a radio on, and certain DSTV channels put me on edge, and make me stressed (more than usual).

Of course I put it down to being cranky and just being a bitch, but at some point I stumbled on misphonia.com and realised that the fact that I react to sound is not JUST because I am a bitch.

I am not arguing that I am a bitch, but the way I react to sound is even more bitch than even I find “normal.”

I do not choose to react in an extreme manner, but there are sounds that are like hearing nails on a chalkboard or teeth on wool.

I have an ACTUAL physical reaction to certain sounds.  It does not matter if I dislike or love the person, when they make certain sounds it is like a phosphorous bomb going off in my head.

Big explosion, sharp green light, and then a material that eats through flesh when it lands on it.  My reaction to sound is EXACTLY like that.  The part where my flesh gets eaten until I die is the most accurate.

I have realised I CANNOT sit with my kids at meal times – Connor knocks the fork against his teeth, Georgia eats like a savage ….and the chewing sound sets me off.  I know it should be all holding hands and meditating at meals, but I actually need to sit at a different table.

Today around 11am I made myself a bowl of muesli with yoghurt, and a cup of tea, and I went to sit in the tv room.  Not to watch tv, but so that I could close the door, and shut out all ambient sound.  I put the tv on for a few minutes and then turned it off and just sat there.

Kennith has been away for about two weeks, and before that he was away for about four weeks.  I have no issue with dealing with the house and the kids myself, I am actually extremely self-reliant and I can put my head down and do what needs to be done. But I feel like I am actually going stark raving mad.

My top sounds-to-drive-mommy-to-a-Zoloft-script are:

1. Georgia’s high pitched voice that does not stop.

2. Connor has a particular whine when he whines … he goes “Moooooommmmmmmie” and it sets my teeth on edge.

3.  I have a bird who has now been flying against my dining room window for 8 weeks – I have blocked out windows with paper and masking tape, I have fitted fine gut netting which is actually really cruel to catch birds in, I have tried cut out of ferocious looking birds on the windows, I have gone out and sweared at the bird like a drunken whore, I am at my wit’s end.

4.  Isabelle calls “muuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm” when she needs me to do something with her. I am her glorified hand servant.  Having your child call you is really sweet. 10% of the time. Right now I want to get the large kitchen scissors and stab someone.  Anyone.

5.  My kids drink from sucky bottles —- I really cannot bear it.

I need a holiday from sound.  I NEED A HOLIDAY.  I NEED TO RUN AWAY JUST FOR A BIT, because seriously I am going absolutely frkn crazy.

I realise I sound like someone who is about to lose their mind, or should be on a stronger brand of antipsychotics, but I can’t quite express who I feel like my head is going to implode.  I can “do sound” up to a point.  About the point where I cannot do sound.  Which is about right now.

The next person who tells me “to just get over it” is going to get a blunt broken wine glass in the temple.

Know a place I can holiday for about two weeks, cheap with really controlled sound?

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11 Comments

  1. Oh I feel for you! I frequently feel that my children bear the brunt of my anxiety not in acting out but by the fact that I frequently have to remove myself from their presence in order to maintain composure. Like you I have started a blog to share some of this and help others understand 🙂

    Reply
  2. Jessica Rains

     /  August 20, 2012

    I’m not sensitive to certain sounds like you are, but I do have very sensitive hearing and can hear much higher and lower frequencies, and much quieter sounds than the average person. As such, if the windows are ever so slightly humming from the wind, I cannot sleep at night. Any noise from my cats will wake me up.

    And although I am a musician, and love love LOVE music. I also absolutely love silence!

    My recommendation for you is earplugs, the squishy kind that you stuff inside your ears. They will block out all ambient sound but someone near you can still talk to you and loud sounds still come through softly.

    Could you ask your kids to come to you if they need something? Or possibly come up with another method of calling for you, like flashing a light, tapping your shoulder, stomping (causing a vibration for you to feel), or even sending you a text (if they can do that)?

    If earplugs are too strong of a sound blocker, you could use inner-ear headphones. You can still hear just about everything, but small sounds are muffled or blocked completely. You shouldn’t be able to hear someone breathing or chewing, but you could probably hear someone crunching or calling you from another room. The headphones would be easier to take off and put back in as you need to. As for squishy earplugs, once they’re in, it sucks to have to take them out and put them back in.

    Many people use earplugs for work, meditation, sleep, travel, or just needing quiet. I live by train tracks and they definitely help alleviate stress, even though I’m used to the sound of trains by now.

    Reply
  3. Hi Reluctant Mom,

    I came across your blog when I set my Google Alerts for Misophonia. My intent was to use the articles I found to post my company’s social media sites. I work for Hearing, Balance and Speech Center in Hamden, Connecticut. Misophonia (or sound sensitivity) is a real thing and we’ve seen many cases where it’s hard for our patients to function in normal everyday living, because for them those sounds aren’t normal. The Audiologist I work for, Dr. Natan Bauman has developed a treatment program for Misophonia through our New England Tinnitus and Hyperacusis Clinig and has had success in treating this disorder. If you think you have it and would like treatment for it please contact us at (203) 287-9915 or e-mail us at info@hearingbalance.com. To learn more about our practice and the New England Tinnitus and Hyperacusis Clinic visit us at http://www.hearingbalance.com. We just wanted to let you know help is available if you’re looking for it. Thank you!

    Very Best,
    Michelle
    Marketing Director

    Reply
  4. Tania

     /  August 13, 2012

    Then I have it too. Glad that it’s actually a phobia. Always been told to stop being so sensitive.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 13, 2012

      Yes, I am told regularly to “get over it” ……

      Reply
      • Tania

         /  August 13, 2012

        exactly… especially by my strict german mum during my childhood years & also into adulthood… interesting what lies behind our behaviours… & how seriously damaged you as a parent can make your child(ren)… (sidebar: been seeing a head doctor, mindblowing stuff coming up & out)

        Reply
  5. Felisa

     /  August 11, 2012

    It is so awesome that I found your blog. I am going crazy trying to name my blog at the moment, but I am failing. Just like everything else at the moment. It’s nice to know that not only am I NOT alone with the (specific) noise sensitivity, but I have found someone who is also not afraid to tell the truth. Love this entry and your refreshing honesty about being a mom.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 12, 2012

      Thank you …. I am not everyone’s glass of wine, but glad it resonates with you …

      Reply
  6. You’d probably be better off with just some really good ear plugs. I know some of the bikers wear them. Tiny little foam rubber insert that you pop in your ear, some are made from memory foam so they actually ONLY fit your ear. And they are completely sound proof.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 10, 2012

      I have tried ear plugs and also listenting to music softly. The inner “shshshs” of the blood moving past my ear drums also acts as a trigger!!! Trust me, the option I think right now is moving to a small quiet town in the free state ……..

      Reply
  7. Hi there, I am a new blogger and was looking for moms that blog. I spotted yours and started reading. Well, I have not laughed so hard for a long time. You and I are kindred spirits. I read your post to my husband and he said to me “YOUR TWIN!”. When we eat, my kids sit at the table, my husband sits on one side of the living room and I sit on the completely other side. If I even hear so much as a mouth open, the death glare is given. That “mooooooooommmmyyyyy” whine makes my spine tingle. My eldest son has to eat with a PLASTIC fork because he does the scraping against the teeth thing. If the kids watch tv, I close my bedroom door.
    My neighbour has a huge dog that barks all day when the owner is not at home, I stand by my bathroom window and scream at it “SHUT THE **** UP!!!”
    I am so glad to have read your post, I now know that I’m not just an unreasonable bitch and that there is actually someone out there like me!!!
    If you hear about that perfect holiday spot, please let me know!
    I really loved reading your post. Hope you have a peaceful quiet day!

    Reply

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