How my unpredicatility affects my children …

I was over visiting Bipolarmoms Blog and read a post where she indicates her reaction to both her mom’s depression and her father’s depression:

My mom, however, was prone to wild and unpredictable moods. I was more affected by my mom’s unpredictability than I was by my dad’s withdrawal.

This is something I worry about a great deal.

I have had a good second half of this year, with most of my demons/black dogs being kind enough to give me a short respite from all things self-hatred, self-doubt, and over critical in my judgement of myself.  Much of the depression, anxiety and self-deprecating behaviour has abated.

I am not naive enough to believe it has all vanished, but I feel a lot less heavy.  A lot less weighed down by my baggage.

I am not exactly unicorns and daisies having carnal relations, but I definitely wake up with less of an urge to pull the covers over my head and pray I can remain in bed all day.

Granted being retrenched was not the key highlight in my year – I was pretty sure it was going to kick me off the edge of the proverbial cliff.  It has allowed me to tackle something I probably would not have been courageous enough to do had I not been forced in to it, namely Happy Helpers.

It has allowed me to cast my view inwards, but in a positive light – “what can I do to get this to work” or “how am I going to get past this set back” or “how can I get this business to move” – and to try to see things that don’t work out as learning curves, rather than fall on the floor and cry curves!

This post is not about that.  It is about the fact that I do not think I am this even keel centre of solid reliable behaviour/reaction when it comes to my kids.  I am in a word erratic.

I tend towards outbursts of cussing and really showing my distress in a situation which should appear all good parenting and mother’s apron.  I do not ease into activities with the kids, I go into them thinking “okay, how long do I have to endure this, before it is finished” …..

I am really struggling with sound and my reaction to it at the moment.  And really what can one do about sound, short of wearing ear plugs – but that then makes me hear the whooshing sound that blood makes in my ears, and I can’t do that either.

Kennith suggests I am over reacting and to test that he has taken to chewing 10 – 15 hardc spur sweets at night in bed.  Or  munching on three crisp crunchy granny smith apples.  I am starting to wonder if he is really wanting me to beat him with the lampshade, or whether this is a test in my ability to sit quietly and not react.

But back to the point of this post.

A simple task of sitting and overseeing spelling or reading homework with the kids, causes me huge distress.  I really want to run away — far away.  I hear how much fun other moms are having doing stuff with their kids – if Facebook Status updates are to be believed – and I wonder how I am getting this all so very wrong, as I am not enjoying it so much.

Connor is very aware of my outbursts and my flicking between calm and rampant-bitch, and I can see the careful way he often treads with me. His face goes into a state of fear when he sees me tipping over the edge.  Connor has probably seen and experienced the worst I have to offer.

Georgia does not appear to care. I think she wakes up in the mornings wondering how she can set about pushing my buttons,and then goes about it with a zealous abandon.  Bless her totally unawares socks!

Isabelle is the one I am trying my utmost not to fk up.  She is my third chance at being a better/normal mom.  Gd knows I try with her.  I try to remain level and even tempered.  I try not to go off in fits of rage.  I try to deal with her by first taking a deep breath before I walk in to her tantrums.

Stumbling on that phrase from Bipolarmoms Blog, really gave me pause for thought, concern and reflection.  Wondering how much my “moods” are affecting and will affect my children moving forward.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

10 Comments

  1. Gosh, I believe I was meant to read this. Last night, as I was about to flip out – for the first time I noticed how all 3 older kids jumped to try to placate me – offering solutions to the non-issue that was bugging me. I felt like a beast. I have no idea how to even out my moods, especially after spending a whole day tip-toeing around a tantrum-throwing toddler ( child no.4). I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only one, but I still need to fix it before i totally screw these kids up.

    Reply
  2. This mood thing, in fact many of the symptoms your loved ones suffer through, seems to be a more common thing in today’s wives in the ‘burbs, tannies on the farm, ladies of the night and most of the sista’s inbetween. Is it a sign of our times? Or are people simply more open about their mental health these days?
    You see, in the old days, acting erratically, complaining about non-tangible illnesses – such as headaches, the ‘voices’ – and cursing (hence the name) could get you burnt at the stake or booked in for a routine frontal lobotomy.
    But today, thanks to Jung, Freud and the bunch, being slightly off yor rocker is quite in vogue. In fact, there are so many catergories and varying degrees of nuttiness – and plenty of shrinks making big bucks.
    So, the question to ponder is whether there are the same proportion of psycho’s today as there have been the past couple of thousand years? Or are we in general, just more crazy?
    I also worry about how my lunacy is affecting my offspring, and have, on occasion, felt very guilty and remorseful about things I may have said or done in a manic phase. (Nothing certifiable, but definitely disconcerting.)
    Things that affect my general mental state include, but are not limited to: hormones, seasonality, wind (both kinds), the feeling that no one is listening to me, our financial security, how the business is doing, boredom.

    Reply
  3. Victoria

     /  September 20, 2012

    Now I can’t get the image of unicorns and daisies doing the dirty out of my head!

    I too am prone to mood swings. They haven’t definitely have gotten better with age, but I can be happy and smiling one minute, to bitter and jaded, to screaming, to crying. On other days I am just completely checked out.

    This definitely worries me about what kind of mom I will be. My hubby is very paitient and for that I am very glad. I’m trying to figure out the reasons, the triggers. To hopefully not be as crazy as I believe myself to be.

    Not sure who said it but I want to “fuck up my kids just enough to make them funny”

    Reply
  4. David has similar issues with eating noises – if I dare eat a raw carrot the man actually starts having seizures – when he annoys me I eat loads of carrots (I stock up when Fruit and Veg have that get a 5kg of carrot special)

    But seriously I feel the same about homework and I have similar outbursts!!! AND Cameron notices and is effected but Kiara really just doesnt care – she actually got a smack the other night – the next day I said “THIS is why you go a smack last night” – she looked at me as if to say “what smack”!! Jack just starts shouting when I start shouting – its great :-/

    Was that your Kennith who said worry about Georgia approaching teenage years?? CLEARLY the 10/11 year old monster hasn’t bitten your son yet like it has mine and his band of merry men because then there is no time to worry about anything – even what people are eating!!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  September 21, 2012

      Connor seems to have not hit the difficult pre-teen period of snarky remarks and hormones. I think he is lulling us into a false sense of comfort, and next thing we know he is going to be this miserable sulky teenager thing in my home!

      Reply
  5. Kennith answer says it best! LOL about the hearing!!

    Reply
  6. Alexandra

     /  September 20, 2012

    A psychologist once told me that 90% of our problems stem from our childhood, before 3 or 4 years old. We shouldn’t blame our parents as they did the best they could but we need to understand what happened so that we can understand our reactions.

    My childhood/mother was so near perfect it’s scary and yet I still have issues, on meds, in counselling.

    Do you ever speak to the children about your depression? Do they know that you have problems that they are not the cause of? I’m not saying it’s a solution but it may help.

    Reply
  7. Kennith

     /  September 20, 2012

    Work on being the balanced mom…for all three of our kids, not just for Isabelle…Georgia needs you more and more as she heads towards her teens.

    We both know if any of them have adulthood issues, your answer of “I had issues and tried my best at the time” will not cut it.

    And for heavens sake please go and get your ears tested and see whether there is something that can be done about your supersonic hearing…it was the neighbour eating the apple not me!

    Reply
  8. I’ve been feeling the same way. happy and patient one minute and then flying into a short tempered tantrum.

    Unfortunately, whatever we do will effect our kids, That’s life. Even pearl and twinset, Stepford mothers will have an effect on their kids’ lives.

    one of those things…enjoy shmokkeling with their brains. You may as well have fun doing it.

    Reply
  9. We have a name for flip out Mom in our house. She is called “Monster Mom”. I hear you and I relate.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: